you could shoot your eye out!

Feety pajamas are really the greatest thing ever! seriously... I love them. I'm not too fond of the color choice given... or the pattern of the one... But the best thing! Pirate swords with a belt sheath is cool too. Probably not best to wear together... but eh, to each his own. I guess it's true; I do like weird/dorky things. But now all of them, not stupid useless things, and other certain things. I'm not a fan of pink, or signifying my name on my person. Or those articles of clothing that make a wrongful declaration of self across choice parts of the body. Not a fan. Gody pins... godyness... stuff stuff... If it's just a thing, and not ironic, or flattering, or useful, or seriously funny; I'm probably not going to like it specifically. there are a few exceptions to this [very few] and they are pretty well know. And if I say specifically that I don't like something; it's a better bet to not go in that direct direction. {duh} But all in all, I guess it's the thought that matters. And what is all of this about it being better to give. I'm more excited with the thought of giving; but no one is as excited as me for what I give. I give thoughtful things; but they follow my train of thought from a specific like of a persons to what I think would be good. So I guess I'm just as bad as all them. Though what I did still is in the like side; just not as ironically funny found as I would have hoped. Crazy. Maybe I just remember more than everyone else... all that nonsense stuff that people say off the cuff; like Buzzy with the statement about the sweater vests; and the Orange sweater vest. too bad; he won't remember, and will think I'm twisted or something. Oh well. we'll just go back to that for awhile. Halo; das ist gut? Nein... woher kommen sie? yep yep yep!

wasted time gets wasted after all...

This is really sad... We leave in less than 12 hours... less than 11, 10... 9 hours. Oh! I will be staying up tonight, so that I won't sleep in, I have to wake Sam up in like 2 hours, or so, and I don't know when Leaf wants me to wake her up. She's not in bed yet. I also get to finish a bottle of Vodka, and 2 Liter bottle of Sprite, a liter of Orangensaft, and some other stuff. I'm feeling a little drowsy. tomorrow, I think Leaf wants to get a cab to take us to the airport. That's okay with me. She also wants me to take her extra bag as a check. She doesn't have everything in the bags yet... I don't know if it'll fit. I hope so. I get to go back to work Tomorrow... well, Wed. it is Tue here, but only like 4pm in Cali on Mon still. And another thing! I will be wearting David Bowie in German, for like 2 weeks straight. We went everywhere to find him today; and that was torturous. I couldn't remember where we'd seen him last week... Ooops! so we walked eveywhere looking for him. I have like 30+ Euro left... and don't know what to do with it... maybe i'll buy junk at the airport. I don't know. Just don't know. Leaf is just now reconfiguring her bags to fit everything in. eik! Sam goes back to being a workaholic again starting Wed. too. Leaf leaves for South Dakota on Friday... and I'm not supposed to talk to Buzzy so much... People ask stupid questions. Stupid! Three down... at least one more to go! Vodka Orange juice/ Vodka Sprite. Yum... Everything tastes better here... well, not everything. I wasn't enthralled by the beer, and our supper today at Zoologichier (sp) left a lot to be desired. Our ZimtundSahne tee today was also very dissapointing... That's too be expected when your waitress looks like death... but the tea was uninspiring so I looked around instead. The paintings on the ceiling were just about horrific. Some nude muse pinching her own nipple, and an orgy... seriously? yep! I'ma gonna miss the €2,50 pizza though... S'e la Vie! I do have a few cheesy gifts to bring back. and when I get back; I'll have less time to think about these few things that I don't want to think about. Awe... that makes me want to cry. I did cry a little today. I saw a picture of the captian; He shaved his head. He was unrecognizable, and without the beautiful hair... Another thing I don't want to think about... I need a tissue!

That last day...

Today, is my last day in Berlin. We leave Tomorrow morning; early. I am trying to decide if we should go out for one last hurrah tonight. I would really like to. But not like our Hurrah of Tuesday, but kinda like our Hurrah of the First Saturday night. or Last night. OoOOh! last night, Sam and I went to Magnet again. We saw live bands this time; It's a musical, and Bishop Allen. Very good! I recommend. I think I'll look it up tonight. see where we can go... if Leaf ever gets back. She went out last night while Sam and I were gone. to meet up with her new British friend. it's now 11am, and she's not back yet. I'm very concerned. One because she's not back yet, and because she has been sick since Thursday. I don't know! Sam keeps asking me...wait... Is that Leaf. Yep!... Did you know that every liquor that I have had here has been really strong... and not like in the states strong, like a good strong. Yum! I don't think she should get off this easy! Lame! Well, today we have to go get the best tea one last time, and David Bowie, Sam wants a man purse, and then... last minute gifts for all my peeps. Tchuse... (I'll add a picture lates)

Hugs, and endless contradictions

Watch out world, Here I come! I leave for Germany in two days! I don't really believe that I am fully prepared, but what the heck! I can do this. I am so very excited. I will see Heather, and Sam, Be in another country. And hopefully,won't convince myself again about Rocky. That would be a Travesty. I really want a best friend. I need a hug. I almost cried today... It's about time for a breakdown. Why's everybody always picking on me? I appreciate the attention. okay, not everyone picks on me, but a significant number of people, don't appreciate me in a positive way, or at least the way a girl should be appreciated. I need a hug. I like hugs, I don't get them very often. I am very "bitch-like" when people first meet me, Generally speaking. But I am really that touchy freely, loving person, who does give a damn about her friends, just doesn't know enough about human interaction to deal with it. Good Grief! Do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for people to care. I don't do that, because I have a "persona" to uphold, that I've inadvertently given myself. and now, I do not want to disrupt. Why? I guess I fear I'll be hurt. I guess, I think that if I let myself be the way I want to be, everyone else will see through me, and I will become none again. I won't be the one they're guessing about. I will just be another someone who is un-mysterious, and therefore uninteresting. I can't stand to be the norm. Well, I guess I could. But who wants to be. I am the non-conformist. And I don't do things just because no one else does, or I shouldn't or for opposite reasons. I do things that are appropriated by society, but I want to do. As long as I keep me safe from all that which I don't want you to see. But I do want you to see. come have a look see. Give me a hug.

A day at the park, doesn't end like this...

This waiting thing is soooooo over rated. Yes, I find myself waiting again. Lo and behold, for the same person. Does he enjoy this? I call when I say I will, I do everything I say I will do. (as long as I remember I said it) I can't believe him. Well, actually I can. I wish that weren't the case though. Frickin' Rocky! He must get some sort of kick out of this. Maybe, he's on drugs... That would explain a Lot! But I don't think that's the truth. He did text me today, when he said he'd call, and yesterday too... then He did call me, later, at approximately the time he said he would. That's progress. But it's all been shot today. He said for me to call... So I did, at the appropriated time. and He was either supposed to answer or call me back. That was hmmmmm Like 4 hours ago! Good Grief. Moving on... just forgive him for all that he isn't and never will be. let it/him go! He's got me writing all this nonsensical twaddle. I have like 6+ pieces based on my annoyances with him. I just wrote a bunch of them out for Holly, and his Wifey. I decided to do it all by hand. Have Him tell me what's the problem with them. I figure; who better than to critique it, than a writer himself. and friend. Uggh! that's all I can do... just let it go, and continue on being his friend. I can't do more than that. I can be good at it... I make a great, and true friend. I will stand by you, when you need me. I only hope that one will be the same to me eventually...

The agenda of those who don't get to choose

The way things go down, can not always be helped. I have no control over what goes down sometimes. It's pretty, lame. I want something to happen one way, and all of the circumstances, are set elsewhere, so it can't happen that way. It's probably better. If things went "my way" I would not be a happy camper. Maybe for a time, I would think I was happy, but what I want, and what I really know I want are two pretty different things. LAME. I would like it if I still didn't want those things that I know are wrong for me. Yes, I know, that it's "normal" to want something that is bad for you. Like doughnuts, or french fries. I got over french fries, I can get over this. I shall get over this. And in fact, I am thankful, that other people have their own agendas, and the world is not subject to mine. but can function on their own. bend mine to theirs. forsake my agenda. call me not for what I am, for I shall be none to thee. The cast away of late. Your own shunned friend. the last of what you'll never know, you never had. Because, life does not happen the way we choose. If it did. I would have not wanted this at all, for other circumstances would not have arisen to begin with. the circumstances which took me from my frame of thought to what I have become. The last of not you have forever.

Ewie Goowie Muy goodness.

Life is more interesting when you can choose your own toppings. at pizzahut.com you can choose your own toppings, on 1/2 or whole. and the amount of sauce and cheese on half or whole... it's great. But the price goes up because, you have all these fill in the bubble options... all these choices that just look so good one must click them in. I'll take you, and half of you, and a little of you... aaaaand a whole lota you. I was supposed to do the fill in the dot test, with my student, I think. But I have no access to the scantrons... so granted I would forget. And alas I did! I don't know what to do now. I should either get a scantron and have him retake the test... or just fill in his answers from the test. I don't know. Another note... this pizza is good. I want to try that pizza Eliza was Raving about... Mmmm I like pizza. I grew up on Pizza. Frozen pizza granted, but pizza none-the-less. My dad got pretty good at them crusts in our stupid oven. Stupid oven. Ewie goowie brownies on the inside, and rock hard bricks on the outside. That part between the ewie goowie, and the rock place, that's pretty okay... pretty okay.

Meat, Cocktail and a center for ants...

Yesterday was Meat and Cocktail day. Yup... What is Meat and Cocktail day you might ask?. Well, let me tell you. Meat and Cocktail is a day about nothing. It is a day to eat meat, drink cocktails, and watch random episodes of several carefully chosen television shows. I sat on that couch for hours... We started the day with Bacon, then black olives, deviled eggs, and chips and salsa... I know what you're thinking; that's not all meat! True, but we did begin the cocktails at that point. I don't remember what we drank. first there was some sort of red drink in large wine goblets. then some cosmopolitan concoction. followed by some Mexican beer. we had the beer with Spinach Meatballs, and chicken soup. Later, My mom and Mr. Mouse decided to go camping in the backyard, so we went and got a tent for them... then we ate lamb something with rice, and pork chops; (we also had salad, and garlic bread, and something else). We didn't actually watch that much; One episode of Seinfeld, Seinfeld bloopers, One Andy Griffith Show, One of The Office, One of Laverne and Shirley, One hmmm... I don't remember! that's it. All we did that day. Listened to records, pretended to watch football. the Ushe. Now I am back at Pies, His friend leaves tomorrow, and I've just bored to death whomever read this. remind me later, and I'll make up for it in your Eulogy. I would make a wonderful Eugoogely.

If Wine tasted like Martinelli's I'd be a wino fo' sho'

two weeks to go, and I still don't know German. any, really. That's only my fault, I should have been let's say; more proactive in my learning. So, That aside, I am leaving in exactly two weeks. from today. in about six hours. so about six hours and two weeks, I will be departing for the foreign land, I will also see Heather. Yay! Today, was rather uneventful (Thursday, so yesterday... thirty nine minutes ago day.) We had real Thanksgiving again. It'd been a while. We didn't have Green beans or gravy last year, and something else. The year before, or maybe it was the year before that, we went to Hometown Buffet. The year prior to that, we ordered in. LAME. but we had real Thanksgiving this year, with all the trimmings. Turkey, Stuffing, pear salad, yam casserole, corn casserole, deviled eggs(my personal contribution), rolls, black olives, cranberry sauce, gravy, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Yum! I liked it. and as a pre-dinner snack homemade; chips, salsa, and guacamole (as partial Mexicans, we try and pretend). No Martinelli's however. I am finishing off a bottle myself now. but not today. As tradition, we didn't eat dessert. Grandma made pumpkin pie, but we didn't eat it. or the apple or cherry pies. We munched on Friend Lees brownies... but only slightly. and of course, somethings went wrong. this year the big thing was; Muncle Mike accidentally turned off the oven when he set the timer for the turkey. so we ate hours later than scheduled. Not bad though. 11 of us around the dinner table. pretty good. Tomorrow (or today rather) we are doing nothing. We aren't even going grocery shopping. Pie is taking the van and his friend to Hollywood, then to a car show... I am car less... evil! I would pack for Germany, just to see if I have all I need, but i can't do laundry, It costs too much. Oh well, I'll just wear Pj's all weekend. no biggie! I should see if I have anything port worthy, so I don't have to freak so bad next quarter... work on my website, Logo, stationary, resume... all that jazz. hmmm... unless someone wants to take me away from this place. I'd be down for that.

Instead of Toast I want a Tail!

So, Not much has really changed. Pie still doesn't want to give up the car. but he still hasn't given my money back. I should probably just give it up as lost, like all the other money he borrowed and said he'd pay back... {sigh} On a lighter note. We have his best friend here from Minneapolis. He'll be here fore six days. I don't yet know what this will do for our sleeping arrangements here... but we'll see. Pie is also going to leave us in December between Christmas and New Years. I don't know where that puts me... but I'm happy for him. Ruby is not feeling well again... either that or she's just tired, and anti-social. oh well. Shorty is getting all of us into Disney Land tomorrow! I haven't been there since before they re-opened Space Mountain. So I haven't been on Space Mountain since, ... hmmmm.... 1992? Let's go with that. I would have been 5-6 years old then. But I do remember it. I hope it's as great as I remember, or at least close to it. The Monahorne... Monohorn... Monahorn... Iuhno!? was a big disappointment when I went on it again in 2003?(2). It's kinda funny how things are so great when you are little, and when you have an experience with it again after so many years, it comes across as retarded. Like The Brave Little Toaster. I remember us loving this movie as kids. It was wonderfully awesome. So I purchased it. and when I watched it... I'm thinking to myself, this is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life! On the other hand, when you experience something again, and it's even better, or just as good, (but maybe in a different way) that is Uber awesome. Take An American Tale for example. I loved that growing up. It was one of my favorites. And seeing it recently, made me realize how great it is. It is still a great children's type film, (which I usually appreciate) with so many undertones and references to things of relevance and knowledge, I was severely impressed. Well, I hope that I can have more experiences like that tomorrow. Instead of toast I want it to be good. Good company helps too.

Living in color... working for the Man!

so, I have officially avoided doing my homework for about... four hours straight. I was going to sit down and just do my research paper after going to see Everyone's Nobody this evening. But then, I Just didn't. Now I am watching the end of Unfaithful with Shorty. I've never seen this before. Just now. the end. He killed him, and now... they're going home. hmmmm. I'm not a big fan so far. OH! I have Tea brewing! yay. ... mmmmm... I think I should have just done all of this Homework that night right after the class. but, Alas, I didn't. I went home instead. Not my fault though. I had to go with my ride. It really sucks not having my own car. I did however have the use of the Mini Minty Mini Van on Friday, so I got to go to see the Moose Play with Journal. And I got to go to see Everyone's Nobody this evening. Thanks Pie! precitate it! I don't know what I'll do when Pie moves away. My Shneril wants to be a missionary and take the Captain with her. but then I'll need somewhere to live. I need a room mate. I thought I could move into Pie's old room, when he leaves. I'll have to talk to Guy and them about it. So basically, I need someplace to live. I need someplace to live, where I don't have to declare my paycheck. So I don't have to pay taxes, and work doesn't get in trouble with the Man. Hmmmm... Who wants to live with me?

trusting daisy's

I should be letting go of you. -> because you're bad news for me.-> There's something never there-> that really shouldn't be. -> The hate the love and passion-> I felt there in your kiss.-> If it's me you pass on, -> it's only me you'll miss.-> For the love of all that's holy, -> I strain under your thoughts. -> I want to love you solely, -> but I know you love me not.

Loveless you

If I told you that I hate you, -> I'd be almost untrue, -> To say that I'd love to, -> I'm not lying to you, -> I think I want to need you, -> I'd really love to want to, -> But you're not the you, -> You're someone new, -> but who?-->> If I said aloud the loathing, -> It'd never be me you're holding, -> I'm tired of reminiscing, -> Do you recall our kissing? -> I am continually falling, -> feels like I'm always crawling, -> you're not ever calling, -> I'm too scared and stalling, -> after-alling, -->> If I'd just say you're faithless, -> and consider you as weightless, -> I'd know all this here's tasteless, -> and you're really only faceless, -> I'd love you to see you're heartless, -> and come to find that you're a part less, -> You're not flawless, -> simply lawless, -> Love less -> you.

you are an island... I am the raging of the sea...

I know I've said this before... I hate waiting. For phone calls. I think I should just convince myself that he doesn't give a shit. that he's not going to call. Fickin' Rocky... There you go leaving me hanging again. I think I've re convinced myself that, that is what I want. Even though I know that I don't want him. Regardless... him not calling, is a great end to a shitty day. Yes, shitty. I had to rent a car because of Pie's ego. I had to find a gas station that I could use. I had to go to school, to do the OLS training, I had to go to Irvine for a frickin' Furrows field trip, then back to school, then to Laguna Beach for another frickin' Furrows field trip, then back to school to tutor, then another tutoring session. by then I was fried, and I couldn't remember the math I was tutoring. It was pretty bad. Then, I didn't get any homework done, because I had to remember how to do the math, then I couldn't remember how to help Stack in MY program. Then, there is the whole waiting game. stupid. stupid stupid. Now I just want to eat drink and be merry. but I can't, because idiot Pie has all his friends over. I was supposed to make dinner and eat with everyone. But no! He brought his friends, and went to eat with all of them, so I have no food, no friend, no brain. LAME! I like House, but not with all these people around. I want to see Rocky! I need a new obsession. I feel so very blah. Eat and Drink... Drink and Eat... Drink... Watch a chick flick... with a sad ending. cry... break down... make-out... drink...

Roger Dotty Ireaka Base

I think it's funny how people can be so possessive. I mean, it's just stuff. Like Pie, He's got this "new" van, I put a hundred bucks down for it, and he nothing, but he likes it. I need transportation. sure he does now, now that he's run another car to the ground. But, I had to rent a car for tomorrow, because he doesn't want me to drive it. LAME, give me my frickin' money back then. I don't know what to do. LAME! I have lots of places to be. I need to go to the show on Friday, how am I going to get there? The logistics are perfect, for me to drive him, and then go. With his work schedule, I only need the car while he's at work. not before or after. just during. So Stupid. So, I get to sleep on the Hide-a-bed again, and not get enough sleep, because He and Guy keep awkward hours. I really don't like this. I appreciate it, yes, I appreciate that I can stay here. blah blah blah... It doesn't help that I'm starting to freak out about Germany. As you may as well know, I'm a bit of a control freak. Leaf knows this. and so does my family. I don't have any control over this situation. so I've become overly controlling of everything else. or if I'm not controlling the situation, I NEED to know what is going on. and then the tempers run high, and these people think that I'm having a bad attitude. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON! I don't need to be in complete control, I just need to know that the situation is being controlled. I'm going to have a breakdown soon if things continue on like this. if everyone else is going to have attitude problems, I'm going to get irritated, a bit, and then flip a lid. I bet, I will cry at least once this month. I see it coming. I'm losing all control. I can only pretend so far. I can only make nice for so long. I try, but we'll see. we'll just have to see. Hopefully nothing goes wrong at the rental car place tomorrow. hopefully I can wake up.

Movies at the Bre Rennisance

It's really terrible, being stuck at home. Even thought it's not my home. I've watched three movies on TV. First I watched The New Guy, Then I saw Blazing Saddles, Now I'm watching Psycho. Not too bad. I've also; washed all of the dishes, finished my homework, talked with an old friend, discussed Germany with the White Japanese kid, Cleaned the kitchen, cooked my dinner, ate my dinner, organized the trash and recyclables, straightened the movies, and... made some pretty pictures... Now I'm tired. it's still Friday night, and I've been in all day. Bored, to say the least. now i want to eat, again. And then drink some tea. and no more beer tonight. maybe reorganize my bags. maybe watch another movie. I know the Birds is on next, but I might be too scared to see it. There are alot of movies here. I could play Wii, or Guitar Hero, Or go to sleep. I don't know, I'm just now, staring at the t.v. while typing and not looking at my computer screen. this is a real strange phenomenon. I'll have to spell check for sure. I guess if you actually watch this movie from beginning to end. and stare at it. It's pretty suspenseful. intense. That and I'm on the edge of reason now. starting in on delirium, and all that jazz. I should probably just go to bed. The music doesn't' help much either. hmmm... I dunno!

And sometimes I wish there were fumes...

Wow! I do a lot of waiting. Yesterday, I had to wait, today, most of this week. Right now, I'm waiting for Flexi to finish printing. We have about 3/4 of one. That means... 6 and 1/4 left. and this is Large Format! OH-boy... It wouldn't be that bad, if I still had some other work to do. But I'm just too awesome. I've finished it all already. And I left my Laptop at Pie's today, so I can't even do my Homework. I don't know what homework I have; but that's not really my point. And then there's the whole It's Friday thing. And I have nothing to do. and no vehicle, and Rocky, The Moose, and May are busy, I don't really do anything with anyone else, Pie is working 'till midnight. I guess, I'll just sit here at my desk. and paint my nails, until these signs finish printing, and Pie comes to pick me up. Oh Yeah! Now; should I do a "french" tip, with the brown, or just stripe the light pink?... Seriously, another Friday night, with nothing to do?!...

A sinners decision.

LasVegas, I've never been. I have a trip for four to go to LasVegas Sometime in the next year. And I don't know who to take. Who would enjoy it? OH my Gosh! Leaf? Rocky? The Foreign Kid? JC Champ? Pie? Stack? May? Eliza? The Moose? I dunno! Whoever I take would have to be someone who would enjoy it? There are two shows. And the room is A Suite... Bedrooms, and kitchen, the whole shabang. Then I also have to decide When to go specifically. Next quarter is my last quarter. So I should plan it for after, but not too far after. I might be working for reals. or whomever I decide to take with me. So like that week. Which would be spring break for most of the rest of the world. I don't know. I just don't know. Insight into this would be really helpful. but I don't want to offend anyone. and if I bring it up to someone, and then I don't invite them... Awkward! And what do I do in Vegas. I don't gamble... quite the quandary. And also, who would be appropriate to take. I mean I would love to take Rocky, but considering the past history between us, Leaf would consider that taboo. even though; we are good now. I don't think The Foreign Kid would really enjoy it. and I don't really want Pie to go. I would be uncomfortable with him, in that sort of a situation. So Who do I take? Who, Do, I Take?

and this kids... is your uncle pie...

so this is kinda like having room mates. There are five of us staying in a two bedroom apartment. I have a hide-a-bed, shorty stays on the twin in the living room, Pie has his own room, and Guy and Ruby have their room. not bad. We eat out all the time, and sit around watching TV. Tonight we had Chinese take-out and watched House, followed by the first four episodes of How I Met Your Mother Season 2. good times. Shorty, Pie and I are sharing a bathroom, and we only wash dishes when we have to. I miss my car. my back misses my bed, and my stomach misses my kitchen. even though I live in the dining, it's my room, and I don't have to share it. I don't mind the sharing thing so much anymore. But only for a time. not so much so fast. I think I need to ease into it. I am grateful however for a place to stay while I'm car-less, and for the rides that everyone gives me. It's just nothing here is mine, save for what I brought in my designers bag. and that's not that big. I have my laptop too. Whoop, here it is. But NO food. No breakfast, just Jovy Fruit Rolls, that I have with me. and that will not suffice. Good times. I wonder what we'll eat tomorrow, or if we'll even eat at all. Will May remember me? Will The Hedgehog be there? Will Dom come? Will Rocky show up? Will I even get to eat tomorrow? Are May's friends going to be there again? I need a car. I need transportation by Friday. I have to go to the dentist. I think I can get everywhere else until then... We'll see. How do I feel about a mini-van? Ope... Gotta go, my "room mate's" got to go to sleep.

another waiting game...

I think waiting for a phone call is more intense than waiting for something to happen. At least for me. With a phone call you don't know when it's going to happen. When you're say, waiting for someone to come pick you up, you're only a slave to the dictates of time. Versus, having no time restraints. It's a more calm experience, you're pretty assured of what will happen, and when, how long you'll have to wait. time is half the battle. However, if you're waiting for a certain time, and that time passes, and you're still waiting, that is even more stressful than waiting for something without time restraints. I still hate to wait. I can just handle it, the pressure and all, when I know the timings. Then it's only a tedious task.

I said what about breakfast?

Double dating is really weird. The whole night is awkward... The kind of double dating where, I know you and you know me, but we don't really know each other, so I'll bring a friend, and you bring a friend. Like a blind/double date... but not a date. I find myself trying to break up the awkward silences all night. I'm not good at that, I can pretend, but Not good. And then calling it a night early, that's also awkward. Not as awkward, or in the same way, yet, still awkward. Something else that's awkward; Telling a story without giving out any specific details. I've been trying to relay a "message" to ... Eliza, without actually telling her anything. I can't tell her the names of the people involved. I can't tell the details lest she figure out who... So I say as little as possible, and it just seems awkward. Not in the same way as say, actually talking to those people about those situations, yet still awkward. Eliza, I swear... It's just too difficult, Maybe I should just tell you whats happened. But I swore to he that I wouldn't. Damn my big mouth. I think I'm over it enough to talk about it. but I can't, because he's not. UUUUGH! Sooo difficult!

Who wears short shorts?

I hate waiting. I hate to wait. For Phone calls, for people, appointments, dough to rise, for messages, for water to boil, to fall asleep. Yep, all of it. Like I call Rocky, and He returns my message directly, so I call him back, and He doesn't pick up. If he had called me directly instead of just returning the message, I could have spoken to him, and I would be waiting. I hate to wait. I hope he doesn't forget. That would be detrimental to my psyche, (and my job). I'm also waiting for pizza to cool, so I can eat it. Yesterday, I waited for like 4 hours for a phone call from Pie. He never called. I finally gave up, when the time sensitive material has passed the deadline for knowledge. So I guess it's a no. I got a yes from Rocky. I'm just waiting for an itinerary, or timeline. whatever. Is that pizza cool enough yet?... Cool enough. Don't want to wait anymore. not bad. I like Tom Sellek Pizza.

The words in my ear...

There are some songs that are just enticing for situations. Some Songs speak to a person in an instance so well... it's wonderful. It's also a big pain in the butt sometimes. What if I didn't want to be singing now? Music makes people happy, Why would I want to be singing right now? Even thought the song fits the situation perfectly? I have play lists dedicated to some of those instances. Like the one I have dedicated to songs that make me think of a situation with a certain person. It is full of songs from all ranges. I add some during all sorts of moods. If I'm feeling good about it, they tend to be happy, or hopeful. When I'm not feeling too good about it, they tend to be heartbreaking. And whatnot. Looking at it, when I'm in neither specific mood about it; it looks really sporadic, and is a really sucky play list... Now, there are songs that are just fun, and could never really speak to a situation. like; Keep Young And Beautiful by Annie Lennox. It has no really meaning in any real life. it's just fun. It's your duty to be Beautiful. Well, maybe it does, and I've just never had it. So, it doesn't pertain specifically to my life. I like this whole shuffle the music thing. Though it can be quite frustrating. like when you're in a certain mood, and they are only playing commercials and opposite songs on the radio. NEXT! And of course I don't put really specific names on my play lists, so I sometimes add songs to the wrong ones, and when I'm then in that mood, I go to that play list, and there's this song that doesn't fit. It makes me angry, a little. only a little. it's not getting what you're expecting. To hear Ozzy Osbourne when you're expecting Jewel, throws you a bit. it's like smelling cinnamon and all these great smells cooking in the kitchen, and then having Meat pie for dinner. It's highly disappointing. Highly. Or when you're expecting something to be really Heavy, and you go to pick it up, and end up throwing it, because it's way too light. Not that I've had any experience with that. All in all... I don't really know. I like this song... "Someone to Die for... In this endless night... someone like you..."

cut, load, repeat.

You know what really blows? When your vehicle malfunctions. Seriously. It screws EVERYTHING up. I am loosing sleep, because it's kinked up my schedule so much. Awful, just awful. I had things to do, that I can't do now, because my cars not working. My mom and the Captain are going to be gone most of next week too. and I need to have transportation. I have an orthodontist appointment, and school, and work, and first Saturday. And, and, and...

Ugh! And then there's the whole having to pay for the repairs. Not a pretty fun time. Not at all. Of course, there is also the rest of stresses of life to make those experiences even worse. Homework, school, classes, tests, deadlines, work, life tasks, eating, the gym, maintaining friendships, and all the other stuff one must do to keep sane. all these together, really help to cause insanity. fun times fun times. Of course, now you may be asking why? why? why are some of these things listed as stress factors. Well, let me tell you; Let's take the "maintaining friendships" item, for instance. Friendships, as we well know, are a type of relationship. and all relationships require work. It would be helpful if both sides would work at it, but this is not always the case. people as a rule, tend to be very self-centered. so it takes someone to step outside themselves to be a true friend to others. I have been deemed this person in most cases. What am I saying. Being Rocky's friend is a lot of work, and strain, and is very stressful, it's what's the word... frustrating to say the least. but there is a history there, to account for some of the frustrating awkwardness that comes from his end. but still. therefore, friendships can be stressful. not always, but they do make the list. Work is also very stressful. Even the lack of having work to do, is stressful. Waiting around is stressful, because, then, I have time to think. I get to think about all the other stress filled things in my life, JOY! like now, I have nothing to do, but wait for vinyl to cut, so I'm writing a blog... there it is... and cut! and wait... this is great fun. Yay! 14 down, 12 to go... but then what? I'm the only on here. I don't think that's cutting right... Oh bother! That would be wonderful, then I'll have nothing to do... and cut! reload, cut! now we're 15 to 11. bbbblllllppppptttt!

from whence does yonder friendship blow?

There are a few things in life that one can be selfish about. Their Family, is one of them. I think that it is only fair that I am selfish in certain respects of the children of my kin. Yes, I do know that I would only be a... Second Cousin? and not really an aunt. But, I want to be close to my "neicifew" If We are truly like sisters, Larry and I, this is only natural. Right? I think that My cousin, Her mom, and her unborn need to move out here, and live with My mother and I (and the captain too of course) and we should all buy a house together. Either that, or they should move out here, and live really really close. I think it would be better for all of us. My mom wants to buy a house, from what I understand, my aunt is not happy where she's at. Maybe, but I don't think so. I believe she would be happier closer to family. I think Larry would do better here. I think I need to be closer to Larry myself, and that the impact that we could have on each other would be good. a good interaction. I also think that I need to be close to said neicifew while they're growing up. It would be best ("") if they moved out here, before the child is born, but hey, I-personally- do not work miracles. I do know someone who does. I think they should both get out of the influence of the environment. I've been there, I know it. It's not the best. That's really it. on that subject. Another subject; Rocky is talking to me again. and not even meheh talking like before, but like real friend talk like how I would talk to him before, and the conversation was awkwardly reciprocated. but real conversation. happy good friend talk, He listened I spoke. He commented, I vented, He understood, I smiled. Yay! good times, this whole him being a friend back to me is going to take some getting used to. I've had that experience only a mite of a few times before, it's weird for me. I only worry that it won't last. but run off like it splattered before.

And that's why we're not too close.

I think I need to apologize. I should not spew my vehemence towards certain people, so soon after they scorn me. I should have waited a few hours, or days, or maybe weeks. No, not weeks. That would be harboring ill feelings. I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that I am particularly healthy anyway. I don't eat regularly, I don't sleep enough, and I can hardly exercise. My life is full of stress. I've been pretty blah... for the past few weeks. The music keeps me going. I've started glaring through my eyebrows again. That is Scary. The perfect look based solely in vile distaste. not a happy look to say the least. I also think that all of these factors can be attributed to the fact that I am not happy. or they are the factors of why I am not happy. I am a very good lier. I am quite the little actress. I make believe very well. And could fool you if I wanted to. Maybe that's what happened with him, maybe, I was too convincing, I was trying to convince everyone else but him. He obviously fell for it. Blah! Of course, I've made it better between some other 'friends' and I with my "acting" skills before. That may not be entirely healthy either. Me harboring emotions of contempt, whilst making sure that we stay friends. That makes sense. That would explain my antics as a pirate with Rocky. AHA! That still doesn't excuse my behavior. I should try and restrain my pretending just like I restrain my sarcasm with some people I guess. I'll just end up hurting myself, along with others, otherwise. Dang-na- it.

How many ways to say no?

I, Flippin, Hate, The Hedgehog. Seriously! What is he thinking? What did he expect to happen? He flippin knows where I stand, I told him. Point blank. I can't make it anymore clearer. What did he think I would do? Just be okay with it? Who in their right mind doinks "a girl I was seeing before I even met you" while said "love interest" is in the same house. What the frick was he thinking? Oh, just stay here with me, wouldn't you like to wake up like this with me? HELL NO! I DO NOT WANT THAT! It would all be purely for his own enjoyment. I would get nothing from it. "I would love it." "I can trust myself in a house full of other people, with you" What the frick about last week? with that other girl? seriously. NO, I can't say it any planer, No! I guess I just said it too nice. perhaps I have to be mean about it. NO! I can't do that, not for you not for anyone. That is what I should say. flippin' "Is it just me, would you say yes if I was some other guy?" Firstly, What says that I should tell you? Secondly, NO! Who are you? You disgust me all night with your inappropriate jokes. You ignore me, and treat me like I'm some sort of flippin' eye candy. I've got news for you buck-o! I am not your eye candy, I am not your Fuck-buddy, I am not your Girlfriend, and I am not yours at all. YOU, have NO power, or possession over me. I've been kind and courteous for the sake of all of your friends. But no more. You screwed up and shit your self by me, for the last time. I Hate you. This will be your last Valediction. Good Fickin' bye. and Good Riddance.

Forgetting Steel

I'm grasping for the surface in this, Your suspense beckons me Will I find, in the end, that it was of naught? Will I be forged of the steel, That requires my thoughts of you? Can I breathe now? The lack of substance in your glare. The glance that cautions me to follow. Over tried as the victim, Of your lust.

combining metaphors? certainly not.

Don't you think it's funny how, your teeth don't hurt until after the dentist "fixes" them? It doesn't even hurt where the "problem" was, just on the same side. NOT Cool! It's kinda hard to enjoy oneself when the mouth is full of pain. LAME! Another thing that's lame, okay not really lame. just humorous. People without rhythm. people without rhythm who in fact, think they have rhythm. pretty funny to watch. Cho was like that, actually, she admits to it. so it's not quite the same. hahahaha. Something that's not so funny; really drunk people, when you're completely sober. sure you might laugh at their antics right then and there. But it's not that funny. Think about how they'll be the next day, or just in a couple of hours. not funny. Well, sometimes it is. Now, I get to decide what I'm going to do tonight. I think I'll go to the parties, but which do I hit first? and if I go to one, will I be able to make it to the other? or will I get sidetracked and such? So, with one is more imperative that I attend? Once I know that, maybe I can make a decision. I have a few hours, so I don't have to freak out yet. Or maybe I should just cuz. I haven't really done that in a while. There are pros and con's to each. Which has pros that out way the con's? I don't know. One is BYOB, The Other has the Hedgehog. One has Rocky, the other has a Keg. hmmmm... I like combining metaphors...

The definition of this is that.

There is a question... I don't know what it is. I think it is in regards to music. Mystic. What is mystic? Dictionary.com defines mystic in this way; mys·tic [mis-tik] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	involving or characterized by esoteric, otherworldly, or symbolic practices or content, as certain religious ceremonies and art; spiritually significant; ethereal.

2.	of the nature of or pertaining to mysteries known only to the initiated: mystic rites.

3.	of occult character, power, or significance: a mystic formula.

4.	of obscure or mysterious character or significance.

5.	of or pertaining to mystics or mysticism.

–noun

6.	a person who claims to attain, or believes in the possibility of attaining, insight into mysteries transcending ordinary human knowledge, as by direct communication with the divine or immediate intuition in a state of spiritual ecstasy.

7.	a person initiated into religious mysteries.

-> I like how dictionaries define words, using the word that you are looking up. That's always good. Really clears things up. Not that I disagree with the definition. Or that I can think of a better way to define some of these words. Seriously, I tried. just now, I was lost in space, thinking of how else one could define mystic. but then I got side tracked, listening to this song; The End, by The Doors. It's pretty crazy. I just blanked out listening to the words. Yeah, it's a really happy song. ;/ no not really. sarcasm runs deep. that is all I have to say about that. One time I took one of those chain e-mail quizzes, because I was soooo bored in class. One question was; Do you use sarcasm allot? and the cliche is to answer the question with a sarcastic comment, right? I wonder if anyone could just write yes, and be taken seriously in that answer... I mean, if you really are sarcastic (allot) then wouldn't you be sarcastic then too. wouldn't you want to show off that crazy wit and commentary. You'd think so.

Sugar, Oh honey honey...

Where does this red stuff come from? I have this random red stuff between my ring and middle finger on my left hand. Weird... It's kinda sticky... icky.... Stack said it was from my sweets, but how do you hold a cupcake between those fingers? seriously. It wasn't from my soda, even though it was in a red can, I don't think the paint rubbed off. it's not from my pizza, I would have noticed it sooner. Those are the only reddish things I have here. There's red on my shoes. I'm not bleeding. Yeah, I don't know. I think I need to sleep, I slept maybe like hmmmm... well, actually maybe 5 hours, but maybe not. I am so tired. It's the continual lack of sleep that's getting to me, then not sleeping and eating mucho sugar is way too much. I had two pieces of chocolate satin pie, I've had a piece of cheese pizza, and then a CocaCola, and am staring at a cupcake. Yummmmm,... Sugar... (guuuh). ...

The comedy is a dangerous liason...

The Comedy of errors... this comedy is serious. My so called life, is like comedy. It could be misconstrued as drama, definitely not action, Hardly romance, and though; it may be foreign to me, it's not. So Comedy. Ha Ha Ha Haha. Just laugh about it. Why did she say those things? does she not realize that when I told her those things, it was in fact, in confidence. Since the facts were pried from me in the first place. wouldn't that be a direct indication that I didn't really want anyone to know. Even though I wanted to tell. What was she fishing for. Searching for substance in an endless oblivion that contains not of that which she seeks. Oh Bother! And as for pacing myself. I've slowed back to my snails pace. even though the snail only lives in that aspect of my life. I'm fast at EVERYTHING else otherwise. It may now be too slow of a pace. I just don't want to push myself over the edge due to some dispute that has no real discrepancy's. As I've said it is the "death of this child never created" nothing happened. It was over before it began, and I. now punish myself over monotony? I don't think so. I deserve better, I know it. and I tell everyone. actually no. I tell few, but they don't seem to get it. it takes a huge misunderstanding/unveiling to reveal that they HAVE NO IDEA because they have not LISTENED. what a bummer, He had so much going for him. seriously. If I were him, I'd be kicking myself for ruining the best thing, for an okay thing that is familiar. LAME! Just because it's familiar doesn't mean you need to keep it. If I only did what was familiar, I would not have my new paintings, I would still have no friends, and I wouldn't have this new blog. Change is good. Granted; it need be for the right reasons. Overall. I don't think he considered the options, and now he's lost. just lost.

Wee willie winky

you want to know something that's really creepy? Winking... Just think about it... Everything that it insinuates, and proposes. all the creepy (and not so creepy) people who partake in the action. all the words it gives out... and innocences it takes. seriously... uber creepy. and ultra unnatural. I mean, is your one eye supposed to close without the other? I don't think so, I don't think so. Creepy. Unnatural. Winking.

The Iceman a-cometh...

It's getting pretty cold in here, I don't understand why Cathrine said it was an iceberg, I haven't felt it as an Iceberg yet this quarter. It's not quite iceberg-esque yet. It's been pretty warm in here comparatively. Whatever! Rocky didn't come to class today. Probably decided to skip because he didn't have all his work done for that class. Stack didn't come either. Travel, or lameness. I need to talk to Rocky about tonight, I also need to know if may is coming. She said she was last week, but hasn't mentioned it this week. Don't know! OH well. The combination of how tired I am, and the air conditioner blowing on my fingers is not a good combo. I feel like my fingers will either break, or just keep numbly moving until the end of ages crashes in upon us. I guess that's due to the pain running all throughout my whole body. The feeling is mutual in many aspects. and what's up with that giant bruise on the back of my leg. Where did it come from? How did it get there? What is the purpose. did i do that at the symphony? with the wooden chairs? did it happen this morning doing plieas? (sp) did I pop a blood vessel or something whilst amidst an agonizing muscle cramp? When will I get my test results back? what is wrong with me? The pains not the bad, but the gross feeling every morning, come on... I'm a little over it already. Maybe I should just eat more, and go to the gym. Or not. What the Heck?!

Naming friends

I think, just to be fair, I shouldn't name name. But then, if I don't name names, what will I use to identify everyone? I'll have to use "aliases" but then how will I keep them straight? I can't post it in a blog. Then they could read it. I also can't use names that they'd know. but fitting names. Like the Hedgehog, and the Moose. I could try and continue with animals, but that wouldn't be fitting for everyone. and if I use names that I would know them as like Laura, there's a chance she wouldn't remember, but she might, and then I might get her confused with someone who's really named that. I just don't know. I guess I could name each person when I cross their bridge. I'll just have to remember who's who. You wouldn't think this was such a big problem, after all, these are my thoughts. We'll see. And I might just need to change names from instance to instance.

Focus, Focus... Fo..cu..ssss... Ooooh!

So, I'm not that good at focusing. At work, I can work... and finish it all really fast. just do. But at school, and/or on my own time, I can't. Like now. I'm writing this, I should be doing something for tomorrows or Thursdays class, or even Monday's class. But no. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts. thoughts about the Hedgehog, and not so much The Moose anymore. just stuff. I'm glad that the Hedgehog doesn't like me anymore. I'm not glad that he doinked another girl. But, I wasn't going to. and he knew that. I knew that would only last so long. I am kind of surprised it took this long. I don't see what anyone sees in him. But then again, that argument may be entirely based on biased. I really hate him. I really "have a heart" for his friends. Weird. And he doesn't actually look like a Hedgehog, more like an obese Prairie Dog. On another topic... or a previously unstated topic anyways. I now have lots of Library books. I am not "in love" with him. I just want to make sure that he doesn't forget about me and our friendship. Yes, I did say that I was "in love" with him. However, I'd had 2 shots of vodka, with a beer chaser and a couple of other drinks. I think in doing that, I absentmindedly convinced myself that the love/feelings, that I felt were in fact that sexual love. but they're not. I love him like I love my best friends, like Joe, or Dan, or Cho, or or or... my other friends that I consider like kin. That's all I've got to give.

The inevitable costume...

It's taken a long time this year for me to come up with good ideas for a costume. go figure. I who dress thematically daily. can't come up with a good Halloween costume. Last year I was a flapper. the year before, I was a flapper. I've been a pirate, Mary Poppins, Barbie, a flapper (duh), an evil sprite, a ballerina, and some other things, On a daily basis, I dress as 50's, 20's, 70's, 80's, punk, goth, prep, country, school marm, and fashionista... among other things. I wanted to be Jessica Rabbit, my natural rack is almost big enough, and in several of my "garbs" I can get my waist down to really small. But I was freaking out about the dress, so no. I could also have been a punker. but that's tooooooo boring. I would have done that, if I decided to go to the punk show on Saturday. which I still haven't decided if I will or not. That's another thing, I went from having nothing to do, to having three things to do, all on the same night. I can go see TSOL with Erik and Clyde, Go to Janelle, Kristin, and What's her names Halloween Party, or go to Christine and Brian's Halloween party. but that's the only night anything is planned, I don't know what to do. Anywho. I was thinking that I wanted to do my makeup like I do for my photo shoots, or something similar, my mom thought I should be a geisha girl, but I don't want to do that. So I thought hey, 80's punk, though I don't think it's that extreme. So I thought "what clothes do I have" I thought of my thigh high fishnets, my Asian robe, cowboy boots, flapper dress, 30's sequin dress, black wings, all my hats, tutus, etc. So now I think I've got it. I came up with it while doing my makeup... a Punk Rock Ballerina. I still am not sure what all that entails, but it should be good. NO? yes!

This is me

This is your first introduction to me.... Hi, I'm Van. I would say that I'm pleased to meet you, however. I haven't met you. I may be the only one to ever read this. I can't very well meet myself, now can I. I believe we've already met. Long long ago. What would I do if I'd forgotten myself. Next time I see me on the street, what would I do? Hi, I am me. That wouldn't go over very well at all. People would suppose that I am crazy. Talking to myself and all. I just won't have it. On the other hand. Do I even have a say is this? Well, That's it. Van