Tears of a Beached Whale

It's so strange feeling this way. Not that the feeling is strange. Or why I do. It is more strange because of it's origin. 

I know that people are insensitive in general. I also know that online is not the same as real life. I know that people do not always pay attention. I realize that not everyone has the same moral capacities for being 'nice' that I have. 

It is more in the fact of what had just been said. Followed directly by opinions. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I understand that people like what they like. But do they have to consider what they don't like as wrong? I am what I am, and I can't change it. The things that I should be able to take control of physically do not change regardless. I have killed myself trying. I continue to. I refrain from what I should refrain from, but I am still no less than I am.

I also understand that everyone's frame of reference is different. But when some peoples are voiced so convictedly from their own mouths... I feel like I am less in mine than I should be. I hate that. 

I can only be who I am. I don't want to feel put down due to it.

I am Van, around one hundred and seventy to one hundred and eighty pounds since the end of eighth grade. I am at least a double D.

Raising an Overlord

My original intents were only to keep the child away from his father. But it transformed into something so much more. As time went by; I knew it would be impossible to share his existence with anyone from the court, and so I kept him to myself. (rule #46  Never trust anyone fully.) I named him, I trained him, I created what he is becoming… and it is magnificent. But I digress.

The boys father is a powerful man, radiant with energy the makings of a true villain. He could have made it. He even wrote the book on how it could be done. But his damned pride keeps him from achieving ultimate greatness. He is loved by all; a ladies man, a Man’s man, a beautiful creature of fortitude. But as I must impart to you now; all of his intentions lead to evil. And a corrupted evil of that sort does not make the best ruler. So I keep his child secret. I let the court believe I had miscarried, and I could no longer bear children. My reasoning for this being twofold; one: so that they would believe the child dead, and two: to make it so I would go untouched. (on some levels, I do regret thwarting the touch of a great man. But that was a pleasure I have to deny myself, for the good of our son.)

I see in his son; a greatness that even Xereaux could never accomplish. Not even in his most sadistic dreams. My son is Easton, and he will grow up to be the greatest overlord the world has ever seen.

World of Gray Working Title

So I'm working on another dream I had...

In a world of gray and no major emotions, where children are taught everything in the form of a drab comic style book; there is an interesting phenomena occurring.

...

I’m not sure whose idea it was in the first place, though I’m sure all intentions were pure. But we’ve converted to studying the children. On our quest to further our knowledge we’ve hit a road block, and wish to know what; if anything; a child, uninhibited, un-brainwashed by a society without media will come to think of when they learn, what is their main goal? What do they take from it? Needless to say; the ideals of their parents have a tendency to show through. Things which the child could sparsely know of, but to be told by a parent, for the knowledge of that if far gone, have come out; baseballs and aprons in hues of pink. Our research has truly proved remarkable. The imagination is a wonderful thing, even when it’s controlled.

There are few cases however that are cause for noteworthy concern. Not because they’re unproductive, but rather: because they are. For instance; there is the case of two boys, who for some reason in our world of equal-ness and control, do not get along. They never have. Today during their monitored learning; coming down the belt, the one boy had a snide smirk upon his face. And he looked down at us with an unearned look of superiority (this was puzzling in and of itself). His session in the Bauble took surprisingly less time than the other children’s normally do, and when he came out for his scan, it showed only a picture of a gray earth. The other boy in question, though neutral on his journey down the belt, seemed rather resigned. His time in the Bauble took quite a time longer than his peers. His scan too, was odd. It turned on as black and after a few frames began to static. In the beginning, watching the learners attempt to fix the static, which they’d never encountered before, was highly entertaining. But it was also alarming. In this world; static does not exist. What could this mean? What was this boy leaning? What was in those books? Who was shaping their minds? 

I am Dr. Louisa Parnnasis, Head Children’s Learning Researcher at the Institute of Collective Knowledge. And I am frightened. …

Faceless texting makes me you

I do not understand this phenomena that is 'finding' 'love'. How is one supposed to get to know someone else when either one or both parties have predetermined expectations of what themselves or the other is supposed to be. And of course; then there's the whole new idea of internet dating. Which in and of itself lends itself to being the creation of such falsities. It's all become so faceless. I do not know who I ought to be anymore. I do try with all that I am to be who I am more than anything. But even that is twisted. You are expected to be someone so you give in to the inquiries that require you to be that. But that is not truly who you are to begin with. Most of my 'getting to know you' personality; is based upon gauging the other persons reactions, and being myself. Which includes gestures and other non verbal communication. Because I am not merely words. If I were; I would be drab and boring beyond all reason. and who then; would want to want me. Or I would come across as what I am expected to be, which then I would be only like what else they've encountered, and not myself, which in turn would make for a rude awakening once they actually met me. In other words. I do not want to be expected to be something I am not, and then chided for not truly being that which I was expected to be. That would be pure hypocrisy.

Who is Framed in Happy Ever After?

I think I should forewarn you: this is going to be a bit scattered. 

I'm not sure why, but I've only wanted to watch the same movie over and over agian for the last while. It's not even a movie I particularly care for. In fact; once upon a time, I hated it. But that has not stopped me from watching it 4+ times in the past few weeks. 

Maybe it has something to do with my emotional well being, and it's current state. My ego as well. It has had a few kicks of late, and those kicks have proven very detrimental. Once again I have been placed on a rather high pedestal. I don't know how I manage these things. I do not attempt to get into these things. I cannot even live up to the expectations of this post. I don't like continually falling from that height. There is too much riding on other people expectations of me.

I do not understand how I can be more than what I am. I am what I am, and do not pretend to be more than that. How is it that people come up with these ideas about what my disposition is or will be? 

I need a job. I also require a new company name. RunningMan Industries has proved quite confusing to the 'masses' and therefore now needs to be changed. 

I think I'm still lost for two persons of the same magnitude and neither one is the same in regard in return. I don't even think there's room or way to move on from here anymore. 

That settles it; I've ruined me. Good night all.