Sofa King

There are only a few things that will really set me off, and it seems that they have been happening a lot lately. One of these things is stupidity... I hope that this is for obvious reasons. Another is people talking down to me. Do not, for one instance, insult my intelligence. I might have to eat you alive. I am not stupid, even if I am naive. Also! I am not less of a person just because of the position I hold, the amount of money I make, or for the fact that I am female. Superiority complex' piss me off. I also don't like people to say they know me. Not know in the sense of: "Oh, yeah, we hang out we're friends." I welcome that. But know in the sense of; "this is how you are." I like to be considered a mystery. I like to think that I'm not as predictable as a Disney movie. I like to think that I'm not just like everybody else. Do not speak for me, unless you know that you can. Do not assume that I am a certain way. I am less likely to want to talk to you ever again if you 'Know it all.' So: Know it all's piss me off too. I suppose i like to be thought of like more of a mystery, because I have a sever distaste for the run of the mill and ordinary. It is safe, and I don't know it. Safe is scary. Safe as in; I can be in this grove and never step out of myself and be safe because it's easy. Then I'd be purposeless. I'd also be purposeless if people could predict my every move. Yes, I am upset. No, I don't want to talk to you right now. You, are freaking me out! And that pisses me off!

Untitled Ramblings

I'm quite certain that this is the 100th post of this year. Which is exciting for many reasons that I can create. One would be: Whoohoo! 100 posts in 2010. Another would include the fact that I've never before reached more than 100 posts in one year. Or; there is only 14 more posts until the 300th post ever. That's almost one third this year alone. And yes, each year, the number of posts has risen. But I don't really want the whole post to be about what the post is, that nullifies it's greatness. Then what will I continue this post on, you ask? I haven't the slightest. I could continue on the drab train of thought I tend towards on days like this. I hate my job, and boys let me down. I'm considering becoming a recluse. I miss my bestie. Or I could switch it up and ponder the importance of Hot chocolate on a dreary winters day/night. I don't think I will though. Of course I've not talked about how I've not been writing in a long while. I could explore they why's of why I'm unable to move on. But those thoughts have also become more commonplace, and are therefore drab thoughts to dwell on. So what do we have? I could sell; my paintings, I need money. But how would I go about that? I could do something creative, but I'm short a table. I could clean my room, but there's not a home for everything. I could quaff about food. I could rattle on about literature, or dragons and medieval nonsense of which I know nothing about. I assuredly do NOT want to get into politics or religion. Those are two topics that infuriate me because of the stupidity of people. Of course then there is the general topic of the stupidity of people. And then again; I can just leave it at discussing the possibilities of discussion because I'm in a foul mood of sorts, and I don't wish to continue this discussion at all anymore.

Vegetarian of Circumstance

I thought about just updating my status, but I couldn't think of a way to fit this into 140 characters. I am both distressed and grateful for my recent appetite change. I still am unable to eat meat without feeling queasy. But I am also unable to eat my normal portions. I eat maybe 2, 3 tops, times a day. I stare at the options or wander into the kitchen when I'm hungry, and nothing sounds good. So I don't even nibble. This isn't new behavior. It's the; I should eat, that has changed. I think; "I should eat" because it's right to eat or whatnot. So I think about what I can have that is available to me before I even get up to scavenge for it. But then I think about something that would normally sound good, and I get grossed out. So I don't go look. It's not until my stomach is yelling at me and/or eating itself that I venture into the kitchen. But half the time, it still seems unappetizing so I turn around and leave again. When I finally do convince myself to have, say; a vegetable and cheese croissant, I only am able to just eat that much. I know I'm still hungry, but I can't eat any more than that. I like vegetable sandwiches and all, but in this house; meat still reigns king of the dinner table. But the thought of it = Yuck. This is very sad. As far as going out is concerned; that eliminates most fast food joints. and all of my favorite cuisines at said food venues. (the saddest thing ever: I saw a Carl's sign and thought; that looks gross, then almost cried.) I love Cheeseburgers. I really like steak. I can live without eating at Taco Bell again (that fiend that done me wrong.) But I think I'll crumble if I can't go to In'n'out or Carl's anymore. That's really all the fast food I eat besides Del Taco. I eat at Chick'fil'a when I have lunch breaks, but I don't think I can even do Chicken. This sucks! But I am eating smaller portions (not that that was my problem) and healthier snacks (but for some reason I can still eat Oreos (or their off brand equivalent "Tuxedos")). Just writing this about food: my stomach is upset. I am both hungry, but not wanting to eat food. Can I have some pan seared veggies? With a little bit of garlic, butter and salt? Oooh! Wahoos Fish Taco's Banzai Shrimp Burrito... Not sure about the shrimp, but it doesn't sound unappetizing. Too bad the closest one is way far away. But according to some Shrimp, which is fish, is not considered meat... I'll have to explore that thought a bit more. Anyways... The only thing left to wonder is this: will I ever get my appetite for meat back? or will I be a vegetarian of circumstance forever? (and I like vegan food, I just can't afford it, but that's another topic for another time.)

War is Change

There are times when I wonder if we're even talking about the same things with our metaphors. On occasion; I fall in love with my metaphors, not realizing that they are being interpreted differently than I mean for them to be. Other times, I don't even know that they're not being interpreted at all. They are being taken for their literal words. Which is ok. Usually I speak vaguely for the sheer appeal of it. That, or I'm not being specific to protect certain parties involved. What it comes down to is this: I'm too nice. So I'm vague. Which makes me confusing. So I'm nice and confusing, which only begs to confuse people even more. Yippee! Maybe we should explore they whys of this... Why am I too nice? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't like it when people are upset or angry with me. I like a level playing field. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want them to have the opportunity to be better than they probably are. I have too much faith in mankind? Or maybe it's as simple as not wanting to burn bridges. If I'm at all irritable, these people aren't going to want to have anything to do with me in the future. And I've lost too many people already. I have been friendless for too many years. I don't want that to happen. As far as being vague goes; sometimes I don't know they whole truth, or I don't want to admit that it is just that; the truth. Perhaps I like the idea of a mystery. Not everything should be handed on a silver platter, you have to work for it. I may be an open book, but you have to know how to read the language to get all the answers. What if the words are a riddle. What if you aren't holding it the right way. What if you skipped a chapter... You won't get it. But then again, both my vagueness and my openness have driven 'people' away. Which that may just be my subconscious screaming at me. "You aren't ready for this." "This isn't right." "You haven't moved on yet." "This guy, seriously?" "If you say that, they'll leave you, like before." 

Regardless of reasons. Regardless of what I'm too nice to do. This is all too much for me. And I don't know how to handle it. Despite what people may think; I'm not as strong for forth spoken as they may believe. I don't always say what I want/should. I may think it, but I've been conditioned to be sensible and keep the peace. Stupid peace. Stupid stupid stagnant never changing blahness.

Sometime I Used To Know

Food poisoning is a strange awakening. It opens your eyes because you know you should eat, but nothing that is unhealthy, sounds good to eat. This is at least true for me. Actually, nothing really sounds good to me right now. But the healthy things don't look as unappetizing as those things which aren't as healthy. I do know that this will pass, and eventually I will choose the things that taste good, over the things that are good. 

I wish that I could get an awakening for other things. Like; not want things that are bad for me. Or at least have the willpower to say no to them. In the very least not miss people who are no good for me. Not want to be friends with them still. There is a reason that we don't communicate anymore. We usually only remember the good things when reminiscing. Only when we reflect a bit too long may we remember those things that drove us apart. 

It's strange when you don't know what it is. But then you see those things after thinking about it. But they didn't bother you then, why should they bother you now. On another leg; there are times when you're like; 'Why did that bother me? So stupid!" But it must have bothered you enough to have said something then. Or maybe you did go overboard and behave rashly. I do tend to overreact sometimes. My once 'good friends' learned to deal with it accordingly, until (I suppose) they got fed up and discontinued association with me. I do have the tendency to place the blame upon myself when I have no idea what's happened. Why are we not friends anymore. Why, when I say hi; do you completely ignore my existence? 

I would continue this thought, but the smell of food is making me feel sick once more. That or I'm getting emotional, so my subconscious is being a wise ass in attempts to get me off this track of thoughts. CHoochooChoot!

Rolling a Murphy's Law

I had the greatest thing to post last night, but I was far too tired and fell asleep as soon as I turned on my computer and logged onto my screen... Now I haven't the faintest idea of what it was in regards to. Then I thought of another thing this morning, that was equally as intriguing of a thought process, but it seems imperative that I am conversed with. I'm not complaining about the conversation. I am glad for it. But it's curious how when I'm not busy, nothing happens, it's not until after I am already occupied, that I become a person of interest. Isn't that true of everything though.

Like that, just now: I completely lost my train of thought. I like playing confidant. I am the greatest secret keeper. But I lost my train of thought. 

Murphy's law? Yes, I think that would fall under the category of Murphy's Law. Everything that Can go wrong, Will go wrong. Or as Nickname would say: "He just rolled a one." Speaking of: I don't know how I feel about that. Rolling ones and whatnot. It's basic slapstick, the most predictable mode of action in the film. Like the Disney movies; They will kiss. it's inevitable. someone will double cross someone else, and the big scary guy is a softie at heart. In a Chinese film: Either the girl dies, or everyone does. I think I'm completely off topic now. Dangnabit. Come back to me thought process, I can't even make decisions without you.

The Importance of Dental Hygiene

Sometimes there's a moment when you don't really know what you're going to say, there's just a general idea that something needs to be said, but then you have no idea of how to start, but you know that you just must. Sometimes there's this... thing, that's looming, just hovering over your head, sitting on the tip of your brain, waiting to be said; if only the words would form. On another hand: sometimes, you know exactly what to say, what you want to happen, or what you're expecting, and you can't bring yourself to complete the task, thought, action, revelation, or truth for one reason or another. Maybe I'm the only one, but I can't usually say these things. On occasion; I know it so intently that I start to try to say something, and in waiting for the words to come, whilst still holding the attention of my audience; I'll just say: Ok, ok.. ok ok, ok... Until I find a word to start it. But then still; sometimes I'll pause after the first words, and start all over. Sometimes I'll realize that the first way I was going to start will not have the effect I would have hoped for. Sometimes I drive myself crazy with trying to please people and still be honest. 

These truths are usually about either my own personal choices, and may or may not be in relation to how they are effecting my audience. But sometimes they are about my audience themselves. Not too frequently; but sometimes. Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. Sometimes I can't find the gumption to say; "Dude, brush your teeth." or "You kinda look like a pregnant hippopotamus." Sometimes I can't say; "I'm thinking I might want to move to the other side of the country." Because then I'll have to explore the why's of that. Each statement I make begs a thousand more questions. I don't know that I want to get to the root of the issues. I'm not certain that I want to delve that deep that soon. I may come across as irrational to do so at such a stage. But what I need to say is based in truths. Facts that I hold dear to me. Either moral, hygienic, scientific, relational, etc. 

Once again, I don't know if I've put together a coherent thought, but this is what bled from me just now. Happy Thursday everyone.

4 seconds to change perspective.

Last year, I decided to move back to CA for a while. One month from today; I will have been here for A year. And I've already covered this nonsense of what has changed... It has of course changed since then already. The world keeps turning, life goes on. Sometimes plans change, sometimes there is no real plan, just a general idea of what you want to happen. I'm at that place again, where I can be anywhere, as long as I find work. I was unsuccessful at finding real work here. 

Sometimes our own lives aren't the important ones. Sometimes, it's the ones around us that matter. It should be what can I do for you? My life will work itself out. Maybe I'm just supposed to be there for others. Maybe my purpose in life isn't what I want, but what I can be for others. 

Perhaps life throws you curve balls so you can learn to dance around them.

Just want you to notice.

Who'da thunk that an ending like this would bring such high spirits? I honestly feel that I can tie my overly emotional downtrodden mood to this. Now that it's over, (it may sound cliche) I feel like a weight is lifted. I can smile freely, I think I can be my jovial, overly hyped, normal self. I may revert back to depressy, but not more than normal I feel. And these last few weeks, it's been way too much. It's been too much for even me to handle. October was terrible. But I'm good now. :D it is the 7th of November, and I'm good. It's been a good day. (I'm still up from the 6th) I was stood up today. I was broken up with (it seems like twice) today. I was asked to do what I could not do. I was accused of being two faced. But I'm good. I'm awesome. I have good friends. And I'm not the crazy one. I mean; I am crazy, but just as crazy as I know I am. Just as crazy as this girl can be. and it's a good crazy. I don't know what I want. I don't always know who I am, or where I stand. I don't have anything really figured out. I think about odd things. But I got family, and friends who care. They don't just say they care. I am better than I'm made out to be. True; I may still be in love with the past, but there's no changing the past. I can only try to move on from here. But I can now. there's nothing looming over me, judging my every move. I can open my mouth and say what I want to say. Not fearing that I'm being judged. Not caring if what I say, if it be wrong, is a deal breaker. That's too much work. I am a daughter of the most high. I need him. I don't know what that means to me yet. I may not know how to get to where I need to be. But right now, I'm surging with the confidence that I can get to the place where I know I should be. One day; I'll figure out my path. Until then, I'm happy to be alive. I love, I live, I am me.

12 months to opposite it

Let us take a step back to reflect. What has this past year taught us? You may wonder why in November I would be considering the passed year. Because the beginning of how my life changed, started in November of last year. It is now November once again. It most definitely has not turned out how I would have imagined it. I would never have dreamed that I would be living pay check to pay check working as a clerk at BevMo. I wouldn't have thought that I would have had 3 boyfriends. I would NEVER have dreamed that I would fall in love with a boy across a great distance and then have my heart ripped out by him (unbeknown to him). I would not have thought that I'd be considering the consequences and whatnot of an interracial relationship. I did not anticipate not being productive at all in design. I hadn't thought I would be helpless. I was in Wisconsin a year ago, not yet planning on coming back here. Not yet having met either boyfriend one or two. I'd not thought my best friend would be so far away from me and no longer thinking she'll grow up to be a dog lady. I didn't know I'd feel hopelessly depressed at the drop of a hat. I am caught off guard by the amount of emotions that careen through me daily. Who'da thunk that I would be the girl to see a boy's face and be crushed. Who'da thunk I would be considered a 'one of those girls' because of who I associated with. Who would have believed that my social skills would be so dismally vanquished by my lifestyle. But It's not all been negative. I have a boy that confuses me with how much he likes me. Most would be running for the hills. I can not fathom why he likes me so much. I really have no idea. Also; on a lighter note; there have been some good developments. I've been reconnected with my online friends, which contributes to the delinquency of my social skills. I've also got my creative juices flowing again. not in all the ways I'd prefer, but some none the less. I suppose I'll just have to take what life has given me and be happy with it. I just don't want to be the girl in the Pearl Jam song... "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." I hope that'll never be true.

Beneath a Broken Heart

I sometimes wonder if you wonder like I do. Do you feel what I feel. Have you looked for what I've looked for. Are we reading the same book. Listening to the same song.Wishing on the same star, under the same sky. Then I remember you did the leaving. So it doesn't matter if you do or not. It wouldn't be the same for you. Our perspectives are different. We are on two different playing fields. Even if you wondered like I wondered it wouldn't be the same wondering. One is looking up at home one would be looking down on it. Separate sides of the same ocean maybe. It's uncrossable. Hope has departed because we are on different planes. Heading to different destinations. Even though I thought we held the same ticket. In truth, we don't even ride the same transportation. This isn't a game of cat and mouse, this isn't cat's and dogs. This is Polar Bears and Mountain Goats. Two mutually exclusive beings existing on the same earth in completely different worlds. Too bad I'm not used to the gravity of this one.

Kicking Dirt onto Year Four

Another anniversary blog. Wow. It was October 19th 2007 that I started this blog with an introduction of myself. I worked at John's Place Restaurant. I was going to school. My 'best friend' was Buzzy. I has issues with the Hedgehog. I was contemplating a costume for Halloween at Jam's apartment. Now I sit here staring at this screen with a broken heart. Buzzy doesn't talk to me unless I run into him, and then he makes empty promises with his empty smile, and I don't even try to cover up my hurt and disinterest. The Hedgehog is exactly the same as he was. Working the same job, in the same city, seeing the same people at the same places at the same times. Of course there are subtle changes, but nothing to write home about. I have not seen him since graduation. Which is another new thing. I have graduated from AI with a BS degree and I was promptly laid off. As I have stated many times in this blog; I am an inadequate product of that education. I'm just in debt over my head to dear Sallie Mae, and I have no means to pay the twit. I work a sad job selling alcohol to people in a retail environment with a fake smile on daily. I'm not even sure if I'll be going out for ole hallows eve this year. I've been invited to a Punk show, and I have a costume that I don't want to wear any longer. I can't go back to Jam's she no longer lives there and is now married to another dear friend of mine. Besides, I'll probably have to work, I need to too. I have an order to appear in court today for a speeding ticket, and it's my first offense. I wasn't even criminally speeding, and they spelled my name wrong on my ticket. Maybe the judge will throw it out because of that. I wish. But the biggest thing: is my broken heart. I really never expected to be the one pining over some boy for 8 months after the fact, because he broke my heart. I never expected to be a girl to claim a broken heart. but that is all that makes sense to call it. I'd like to move past this, but I don't want to let go. If that makes any sense. I never wanted to open up that far in the first place. I never expected to be the one to give that much away, and then have the rug pulled from under me. Then continue tripping over it's threads long after it's gone. I want the rug back. even though it's found a new home under someone else's feet. I've been offered a new rug, it looks like a better rug. But I can't say yes to the rug. It's a great rug, but I don't think it matches the rest of the decor.

Valediction, Where are you?

I hate that fear grips me. It pulls me to itself and rips me apart. I sinks me down to another level. One I've not known the likes of previously. I am unable to speak. Not letting out what's in my mind. Reasons evade me. I am helpless against it. I scavenge for a purpose to it. I find none but the circles looping me back to what I don't understand. Then I fear the return. 

I am so cynical that this is normal to me. I am so weary that I do not scream out of the pain of it. My eyes leak the un-cried tears for something that is so far gone, I can not name it any longer. Is there hope left? Somewhere? In some space? Will I wade out of this soon? Or be left to rot here for too long a time to state it? My heart cries help. My lips refuse to move. Set in a jut of my jaw. As my eyes leak the truths I still don't begin to understand. Valediction, Where are you?

Swinging back to Redundancy.

What is this? I can't really place my finger on it. I try to be upbeat and happy. But then, if I get one minute alone to dwell by myself, I revert back to my 'emo' self. Which is not my usual norm. I can smile even if my heart is heavy. I feel like there is a weight, pulling my down by my core. It's latched onto my chest, my soul, and is tugging my forward, holding me low. I can't get free of it. I want to be able to be free, and let myself feel more than I am. It doesn't happen though. I can't seem to get to that point. 

I can't get to the point that someone else is at. I hold back. I am unwilling to step forward and feel. But I feel like I can't feel. That seems oxymoronic and redundant. It's the only way I can think to say it though. I dunno. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe this hormone thing is effecting more than just my blood stream. It's been 3 years. Medically, I did nothing to counteract what was wrong. Three years is enough time to silently F yourself up internally. Hmmm... but that's not what I was thinking. 

I Freakin' cried at a Bark Off commercial. There is most definitely something wrong with me. People around me notice my horrid mood swings. What the F is wrong? I have not changed. Maybe being peaceable and ambiguous is getting to me. Maybe I was meant to be the ass that I am in my filtered thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy. maybe maybe maybe. 

Oh look! another post where I have no point, and say basically nothing. Joy, Rapture! 

I guess it just comes back to the same ole same old, I don't know what I want. I am afraid to let anyone in. But then again. If you'd had your heart ripped out after finally letting someone hold it, you'd be a little hard pressed to let go again, at least so soon. 

Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I am so bitter, I am unwilling to let go. No, I want to let go. I would like to move on. But there's a part of my that just won't. Poop. That there is also Oxymoronic and Stupid. Woe is me. I'm going to bed... wake me up when I don't have to decide before feeling the right answer anymore.

Blind Anger Festering

If someone makes you angry, by them just stating their opinion, who is the one at fault? The one stating their opinion? or you? Is it then alright to tip toe around someone because they might get angry at you for having an opinion? Is it not wrong to let them remain the same? Wouldn't they then never learn to co-exist in the real world? If you are allowed to go off because of what one thing says, and the people around you are careful not to upset you? How do you expect to have everyone in the world be so cordial to you? I think that doing something like that for someone is a hindrance to their growth as a person. True friends stab you in the face. And if you are a big enough person to understand that they are being themselves, and only want you to be a better person, life will go on, and you will be a better person.

The Apocalypse led to Love

I know that this will be out of the norm, I have a consistent look for these posts: But I did not want to type this up again. I told in a Chat Box and I am just going to retell it via Copy Paste.

[09:41:53] * Van did have an new interesting dream though

[09:42:25] @ Van : it was much like the Family Trompiere dream

[09:42:39] @ Van : except it had nothing to do with HS and pretending to be something that you're not

[09:43:26] @ Van : Some of the other people in the house were my coworkers, others were completely made up.

[09:43:34] @ Van : It was a river house... and it was HUGE

[09:44:35] @ Van : After much debate I took the bedroom that was more like an insulated patio... (it had a tiny pool) there was another pool that was huge, and outside

[09:44:39] @ Van : OOOOHHH

[09:44:46] @ Van : And this was all after I died

[09:45:56] @ Van : The Apocalypse came like an atom bomb in the sky, the sun exploded and it sent shards out that destroyed the earth. And in my 'consciousness' I awoke in a white van. With lots of people I knew

[09:46:07] @ Van : (I don't remember if I knew them in RL)

[09:46:27] @ Van : And the side doors swung open and we were presented with an option.

[09:46:34] @ Van : We were offered a redo

[09:46:56] @ Van : We would go back to a certain point, and if we chose to go back, we had to live our lives better.

[09:47:18] @ Van : We would have to be more open and share the truth with people, both that we knew and we didn't

[09:47:46] @ Van : I chose to go back, This one guy was still sitting in the Van fraught with the decision

[09:48:25] @ Van : Before that my Jenny told me she was getting married... and I feared we wouldn't be friends anymore, but my brother was a famous animator... *shrugs* anywho

[09:48:42] @ Van : After selecting my room, I looked down at the river, which was rising

[09:49:29] @ Van : And There was a Volkswagen that had been parked on the grass, next to the dock of my neighbors house and I watched as the water rose and started to carry it away.

[09:49:44] @ Van : so I ran to my neighbors house and pounded on their side sliding door

[09:50:02] @ Van : and a girl came out and found a rope that was tied to it and started pulling it back in.

[09:50:37] @ Van : So I helped her, but the brunt force of the two of us pulling made it fly and land on a pile of grassy hay stuff

[09:51:11] @ Van : She said: "It's not a beetle (because I had called it that when I knocked on her door) it's a converted Buss"

[09:51:29] @ Van : And it was, the roof had been redone so I couldn't tell it was a Volkswagen bus

[09:51:42] @ Van : And then her brother came out of the house...

[09:51:50] @ Van : The scenes picked up from here

[09:52:08] @ Van : Eventually: He and I 'fell in love'

[09:52:21] @ Van : and I met more of the people that lived in my house.

[09:53:01] @ Van : There was one guy, who became friends with my 'bf' and I discovered he lived on the fourth floor, but would be leaving for school in a few days.

[09:53:08] @ Van : I'm sure there was more.

[09:53:20] @ Van : But they consist of details about the house.

[09:53:37] @ Van : Like the door-less rooms of the finished basement

[09:53:51] @ Van : Or the roughhousing boys who chose rooms down there.

[09:54:53] @ Van : Or the fact that I went to Billy's house to jump in the pool from the balcony a few times and each time, and automated voice told me something along the lines of "This is a restricted area" But it did not use those words.

[09:54:55] @ Van : 

[09:55:31] @ Van : That is all for now.

Dragon Lady Magus

So... I was doing an 'improv' RP... and got a little carried away. Enjoy 

*** The year is 1472, somewhere in the mountains of what is now a European country. Angana has just been summoned to the high court by the Kings personal guard. She had known that war was imminent, she had even warned the king that she could be of assistance in their time of need. He would have none of that. He raved about the need to keep war fair. As if war could be fair. He didn't want the help of her magic to interfere with fate. Where did he get all of this garbage? He had been a strange child, he'd shied away from her when he'd started his schooling. It must have been those strange philosophers that were his teachers, putting strange and foreign ideas in his head. These philosophers were the fall of this kingdom. Angana knew it in the core of her being.
Upon entering the throne room, Angana picked up on the tense emotions that flooded the royalty and spilled over to their tenants.
"You called for me sire?" She hissed.
A pained expression flashed across the kings face. She almost smiled when she read in his features that he knew he needed her now. But she stopped when she also realized it might be too late. The loud sounds of battle were drawing close to the palace.
"You know I hate to ask a favor of you, Angana. And I do so now begrudgingly. I still do not believe that what you offer..."
She cut him off with her hand, silencing him. She could not bear to listen to him to go on and on about fairness and the unnaturalness that she was. "It is my purpose in my life to serve this kingdom, it's people, and most of all it's royal line. What will you have me do sire? The enemy is already passed the gate? You may have waited too long to see the error of your previous choice. I do hope you have a good strategy and plan." She spoke as a serpent would, her words melted from her lips, asking for something to devour.
The king looked incredulous. "I" he began, "Would have you tell me how to win."
"That is cheating sire."
He sat down hard and set his jaw. "It is not your place to tell me these things. I am king."
"Then rule as one. Don't act like a spoiled child, your 37 years of life should have taught you something."
The king glowered at her. "Guards!" immediately there were guards on her, shackling her limbs. The fighting sounds died down, and the prince from their enemies court appeared through a side door.
"What is this? You have become traitor to your own people?!" The Guards gagged her, and her skin started to glow.
"I told you she was the spawn of Satan, you should have done away with her long ago."
Hearing these words from the enemies lips and seeing her sire smiling at the imbecile, she grew hot with anger. The shackles broke from the pressure of her growing arms and she was soon a large dragon jutting through the walls. She spoke with an eerie vehemence to her once king. "You sleep in the bed of the unwise, and your kingdom shall now fall, as the walls of this palace is now." With this she breathed a breathe of blue hot flames and erupted through the ceiling.
As she flew away to her secret lair in the mountains, her heart cried for those of her people who she had just caused deaths for. She hoped that the kings siblings who'd not neglected her would not now neglect their duty to their people. As Angana landed, she cried one large dragon tear that became the most perfect ruby, she howled as only a dragon whose heart is broken can roar, and then slowly became her self again. She could see the smoke in the distance as her beloved city, and it's people burned.

Ranking on a totem pole.

I was going to say I missed you, and write it on your wall. But when I got there, someone else had already done it. Someone who, I feel, is not as important... that's the wrong word, but I'll use it anyway. That made me a little angry. I, an important person, cannot look like I'm copying someone of a lower stature than myself on your totem pole. 

This of course causes me to explore why I am feeling this way at all. Being angry for something like this is ludicrous. I find that it is a seed of jealousy. Why should I be jealous of them? Because I want to feel important. and someone else was there before I could be. 

I want to matter to someone that matters to me. I cherish my friends. I know that my friends have other friends. But when you are forgettable to most of them, it gets to you after a while, and you start to feel unimportant. This is probably another one of those hollow things that I feel. But I feel it nonetheless. 

In attempts to rectify this world from it's selfishness. To make sure that I am not a hypocrite. Whenever I think of someone who is important to me, I try to let them know. That may make me seem crazy. But I want people to feel important. I guess this falls under the train of thought: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Dismal Water

Have you ever been in a specific mood? A mood where you don't want to listen to anything but a certain band? A mood were no movie will do, but a certain one? Where you don't want to hear a specific name or joke? You don't want to see a person? Where the only way to get away from that mood is a distraction? But you are incapable of creating that distraction yourself? You know that you need a distraction, and those who are capable of pulling you out of said mood are unaware of how to help? 

I've been there a few times. All I needed was a distraction. It's all hollow. Each mood has no center. It has no base. It's shallow and depressing. It comes from letting yourself over-think things. The antidote is to think of something else. To pick yourself up by dwelling in another realm of thought.

Very few people understand this. I believe that there could be another way around it. But I have yet to find it. 

Until then I will wade in the waters of my own demise.

Sin is Sciscm

I had an idea. I thought I could add scenes to the Dog Catcher, and then complete it.

I also noticed that I tend to not have happy endings. I realized today while thinking in the shower that I do not tend towards the typical story line. I have been contemplating a 'song' about the other girl in the movies. The girl that the guy uses until he realizes that the main girl is his. Well What the Heck?! When does Drunk Girl 2 get hers? Who finishes her story? Does she get to live happily ever after? Probably not.

Then I started thinking about 'Happily Ever After' and I realized the only way to show that would be to hit on a few high points of how they choose to live and work together and end it when either one or the other dies. It's not all friggin sunshine and roses people. Not everyone gets the dream story. Not everything works out in the end. Sometimes there are more hard knocks than happy endings. In all the movies; the average people happy at the end is 2. Two people. The odds don't look too good for everyone else. Stupid Disney movies based in predictability, giving girls (or anyone for that matter) a false sense of hope for a happy life by the time they're old enough to 'fall in love.'

I'm sorry, I think my cynicism is showing. But I would rather be cynical than hopeless. At least I still have hope. I have the common sense to tell myself that the fairytale won't happen, but I let myself believe that it can. Look! I lost my topic again. On some levels; everyone is cynical... maybe not the same cynical as me... that would be hopeless for mankind as we know it. I'm going to stop now... now that I'm in a mind rut.

Seeping Through a Broken Filter

I'm quite certain I've already covered this, but eh. 

There is no way to be completely unfiltered and truthful. I am finding this to be increasingly true. A person cannot be totally honest without looking like a dick at some point. I would like to be able to tell and say EVERYTHING that is on my mind at times, but then I think of all the people who have the opportunity to hear or see it. So I cannot say it. What I say has an impact on others perceptions of both themselves and me, as well as the world around them. Unbeknownst to them it may be, but it still is. There are parts of me that I would love to tell the world about, but there may be a few persons that would take it the wrong (or right) way, and their knowing would either be taken completely out of context or the weight of it would crush me. And that sounds very selfish. Because it is. Either option is a selfish one. Either it will benefit me, or it will crush me. and the same for not doing it. But since they are my thoughts it is completely up to me to either share them or keep them to myself. I do not NEED to share my every experience even if I would want to. If it would help me to get them off my chest, perhaps I should. But then we come back to that shame factor. 

This was scattered and I got distracted halfway through with a sad song, and thinking about all those things that I do not share.

Sealing Fates

It had been two weeks. Two full weeks. The gnawing in her stomach would not cease. Pacing the floor, Achindra wrung her hands together as she waited. She’d already waited two weeks. She’d waited as she started to feel sick. She’d waited, willing this away. She did not want it to be true. She knew something like this would be his undoing. She could not tell him if it was true, and not just a fluke. Still she paced. Looking up at the clock frequently, she bit into her lip. She did not like this waiting. She thought about how she was usually a patient person. She tried to distract herself by thinking of something else. But she couldn’t focus on anything else. She listened to the clicking of her heels as she passed between the rug and the tile, and back again. She rubbed her forehead, and hoped a headache would not start due to all of this worry. She would not be on her best game if she had one. Two weeks, she’d been thinking about what to say. She had been thinking about if she would tell him. She had been thinking about what would happen if she did tell him. She even thought about what she would do if she didn’t tell him. She looked at the clock again. 30 seconds. Thirty seconds wouldn’t make a difference, but still. So she walked slowly back to the bathroom. She walked back to where the test lie. She walked back to see the two pink lines that sealed her fate. Now all she had to do was keep it to herself of seal someone seal Xereaux’s fate to fall as well.

Got carried away thinking.

The Glendora store is only a 15 minute drive from that house in West Covina. It is an half an hour bike ride ish. I could transfer, and then find a second job there and work on my company. I could also run in that neighborhood, and feel safe, I could work on my tan in the winter like an crazy outta stater. I could shop at Ralph's which is close to that store, I could get a motorcycle license and take classes at MtSAC. I could find a nice church and get connected. I could record using that closet space, and I could network and meet the right people. I could make my company start. Then I could make friends with a nice boy and we'll be really close, and then we'll get married and I will support him in all of his endeavors and he, me in mine. I could be lots of things. But I can see it happening, so It probably won't ever happen. Just a thought.

The Dog is out for the Cather of dogs

I added more to this an long time ago... and I just added more on a whim today. So I will share both parts:

5.11

I stood there in shock as my eyes strained against the dark to adjust. Just then; a loud crack resounded throughout the hall. I looked all around me for what could have made the disturbance. I saw nothing. Swooshing sounds came hurtling towards me, and I was knocked flat onto my back. In the next instant; the sheer terror that filled me erupted into a deafening scream that never escaped my lips. Everything went black.

Part 6.1

When I opened my eyes, everything was still black. I tried to open them again. I still could not see. Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I tried to remember where I was. I gasped when I remembered the events that had happened, and tears stung at my eyes. Supposing I was still in danger, even in the dark; I still tried to be as quiet as possible. I whispered "Scotty." I heard his paws on metal which sounded down to me. I then realized I was not hearing anything else any more. Where had Boyd gone to? What about his guests? Where they in the room I had just escaped from? How long had I been unconscious? Was I safe? Had they gone?

Then I heard a loud scrape as if a chair were being dragged across the floor. I tried to place where it had come from, but the sound was too short for me to recognize it. I tried to gently get up from the floor, but when I rose. There were bright lights and immense pain in my darkened vision. My head stung in two places. Both; where I had been hit, and where I had landed. I bit my lip to keep from making any noise and held my head in my hands, willing the white lines of pain to leave me.

When Swim is No Longer an Option

Where do you go when you're scared? Where would you go if that place was not there anymore? What would you do if all your options were exhausted? How would you hope if there was nothing left? 

If fear was the dominant driving emotion in your life, how would you handle that? What do you trust in, when everything you've had faith in seems to fail? How do you hold on when all you've held on to seeps from your grasp? Who do you turn to when there is no one there?

What decisions do you make when all the choices are gone? When there are no more opportunities, how do you make a way? How do you keep living?

At least I have the World Wide Web

I keep thinking about trying to work on my novel. But I can't manage to be productive with it. I keep formatting the pages and staring at it. Then I re-read the part I'm 'working' on and I think of scenes that I could add but they aren't concrete enough to make into scenes yet and then I start thinking of why. Which leads me to think of Real Life scenes that will never come to pass. And that depresses me and makes me not want to work on my Novel anymore. Another vicious circle comes to fruition. 

Then my stomach starts to growl and grumble and complain, but there's no food. And I don't have the Caddy yet, Oh how I miss the Caddy, so I can't go anywhere to get food. I don't want to eat all my banana bread in one day. I had to get banana bread because they did not have banana nut muffins at either Kwik trip we stopped at yesterday. They also did not have 1% milk, so I got Skim, which isn't really the same, and then BP does not carry wildberry pull'n'peels anymore. Which is the most depressing thing on the planet.

So I get to sit here, and stare at a page I won't be able to add to, with a growling stomach and think about something/someone I can't have or see.

Everybody Hurts, Few Bleed

Who am I really hurting by this?

I think I am the only one effected by my stupidity on the regular. What am I trying to prove and to whom? Who is it that I am rebelling against? I know that it is a guilt trip that causes people to justify their actions. It is those who need to justify to themselves what they do that are the ones running their mouths off with justifications at a simple comment, whether directed at them or just stated in general. 

So who am I running from? I feel like I am. I feel the need to justify my actions. I think I might be running from the me I think I should be, for the me that I think I could never be. Just to prove me wrong. But I could be that girl. I could also hate her for all eternity. I already don't approve of most of her actions. 

And why, when I analyze this psychologically, is it justified by the pain caused from misdirected emotions. Why do I let this still hurt me? How is it possible that I am not letting myself completely move past this? Maybe because I know that there are things that cannot be undone here, and they will always reside. That; coupled with the lack of other wants I'm holding onto, I am a miserable wreck. 

In other words. I am a girl. I am a female. I am a woman. All baggage and drama included no matter how hard I fend it off.

You So Did Not Just Post That

Today I'm going to attempt to cover some old topics that were never typed up, as well as some new ones if I can remember them...

Does anyone know how it comes about that some people want to be in control so much? For example, I am a nerd and am a part of a role playing website. Some members of said website continually have characters with the same exact personality. They talk like they are better than everyone and seem like they have more power than everyone else, like they are fighting to have control. This sort of behavior makes me ponder why. Why do they feel the need to hold that power? Why do they have to be better than everyone else? These thoughts lead me to consider other persons that I know in real life. Some people like to be the center of attention, they thrive on the belittlement or control of others. These persons, I believe are lacking in other areas on the same level. Meaning: perhaps they are the lowest member on the totem pole in their own home, or perhaps they have been in their victims place before under different circumstances. Regardless of reason though, I do believe that it is psychological, and maybe not even on purpose. Which leads me to believe that they may be struggling with other issues as well. Like issues that they cannot see beyond themselves. For instance; It has been said that the faults we pick on in others, are our greatest insecurities in ourselves. But that's not what I'm saying. OK: the posting notes thing. The: Do this thing because I don't want to have to do it. In some cases, this is not an unfounded thing. But, if you are wrapped up in yourself and your own plights only, you may not see that others are unable to react the way you want them to, and in turn do that thing that you do not want to do. An old example would be the thing with the lights. I would leave the lights on because I was not the only one using the space and I was thinking of someone else. Said lightswitch was hard, if not dangeraous, to find in the dark. If I had been questioned directly, this knowledge would have been found out and we could go on with our lives. But, I was not questioned, a note was posted as a continual reminder and I was attacked with a "Why did you leave the light on" in an anything but friendly tone. In other circumstances; I would be happy to help and have even tried. I make it a point to stay out of the way so that things are easier for others. But then it is stated that, and with angry words too, One person is unable to continue to do something as a martyr. You're not a fecking martyr, put your damn crap away and I will be more than happy to make the surfaces spotless. 

I am going to walk away from this post now and fix my filter.

Another Crazy Dream

Wouldn’t it be funny if we all knew each other in Real Life? I think so. I also think that my dreams are weird. I see them like a film in my head; scene transitions, steady camera shots through photos to live action, panning, etc. This is the movie I watched in my head last night. It is kind of hard to describe; but I will do my best.

It started on the Year book. The Family B______ had their own section in said year book instead of a picture like the others. First entry you zoom into a sepia family portrait, when it becomes full frame, it changes into a silent family film. First of the 70’s style parents, free spirits, then it goes to color film of the children. The frame pauses on each to give us a name, like opening credits; First Beaut, then Shiney, then everyone else as well.

These Children were all the parent’s foster children. Orphans and playing a part. I was the new addition to the family. We all lived as a family did; but the story starts on the bus to school.

Each of us are masquerading as sophomores in a small town. The first bus ride to school, all of us rode the bus to school together. The girls more towards the center front and the boys center back. After many seat changes, we settled in and Shiney and I sat next to each other, with Beaut across the aisle in front, and Moony across from her, All the boys were behind and I’m not sure where everyone else ended up.

School itself was odd. Since everyone else had already been. I was led around and showed the ropes. I had classes with everyone. Beaut, Moony and I had Gym together directly before Lunch when we all ate together. At the end of the day there was a ceremony in the Gymatorium. 'Mom and Dad' were there, being honored for taking in yet another new orphan.

Then all us ‘kids’ had to walk home. When we all got to the corner gas station, we were cut off by this sports car convertible speeding in. This Red-Neck of a black woman, and her Red-Neck of a white man, began to spray themselves off with the power hose. In all the chaos of them yelling at each other, not angry yelling, just yelling; we discovered they’d gotten a notice from the school district that said everyone should be clean for an upcoming event. She also made it known it’d been a while saying "It’s been two months for me" and she was surprised he’d not had one in the mean time. I figure it was because dirt would show more on his pasty white skin, verses her dark complexion. She hosed him off in the car, he fell over the seats, but she also got water all over the convenience stores floor, it was an open air market set up. And then my brother woke me up.

Hollow Mood

It seems that lately I am hopelessly depressed. I can be in a good mood; but that mood is hollow. One thing taken the wrong(or right) way can completely shatter it, and I'm slung back into a hopeless vortex of nothingness. It's not fun. I'm not too excited about it. I also don't know why it is; nor how to change it. I can do the whole: pretend to be happy and you'll be happy thing. But that is the easily shattered rouse that I've been attempting lately. It is not happening. I know that happiness is a choice. and I want to be happy. Maybe it's clinical. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe there really is no hope.

Another Empire's Fall

In the late 21st century; The United States Empire began to waver. It had reached a height in immorality comparable to no other. Not even Rome in its day held a candle to it. The country had become so self centered they did not notice that they had outsourced themselves out of work. The poor of the country welcomed all the foreign products unknowingly. They were happy for the ‘lower prices’ that until they themselves lost their jobs to those other countries, they savored the junk. Eventually the only jobs open to Americans who were not born to opportunity; were retail, food services and entertainment. But even entertainment was leaning more towards the new blue blood. There was of course still White Collar Americans who were caught up in their own plights of what the next thing the Jones’ would acquire. The rich got richer, the poor got poorer, and the media corrupted all. Soon enough; poverty was so rampant in some areas that violence and theft reigned supreme; it was like a riot every night. Without the income of the lower classes though, the upper classes were starting to feel it. They had no way to fight it. China would not give back what they had received, and America had no means to recreate what they had given away so willingly. Slowly but surely; the economy fell. There was a state of panic in the people. All the people. The Government made rash decisions and one president blamed the previous president for each downfall that occurred during his term, and then made their own terrible decisions. Each of them preached hope and a uniting of their nation to equality. Before long the people realized that the only equality left for them was to all be equally unfed and poor. So each class rose up individually against the government. There was modern warfare on the streets.

When it was clear to the rest of the world that America was no longer the so called strongest nation; China stepped in with Russia on their heels and calmly reclaimed that throne. In all the confusion the transition was seamless. But was not long lived. Soon, with treaty after treaty, and the help of the media; China lost control of their power. Russia had main control, but each country now had a more equal control in this new world of theirs. Some countries started uniting with others in attempt to tip the balance in their favor. That is where our story begins.

Like a Tramp

Virgin: 5. any person who is uninitiated, uninformed, or the like. 12. first. 15. without experience of; not previously exposed to.

According to this: I am still a virgin in many more things than I would have thought. 

I am Virgin to skydiving, and flying an airplane. I am virgin to a loving relationship, where I love, and that love is reciprocated. I have virgin eyes; in that I've never watched pornography, nor set foot in an adult store. I am still virgin in regards to most of the products we sell at my work. I am virgin to becoming a rock star; for lack of knowledge. I am virgin to a sorority. I am virgin to car payments. I am virgin to waking up in a strangers bed, not knowing the events of the previous night. I am a virgin of being a published author. I am a virgin homeowner. I am a virgin company owner. 

What I am saying; Virgin is not a dirty word. Just like those old commercials said. But I do believe they were only referring to one context.