4 seconds to change perspective.

Last year, I decided to move back to CA for a while. One month from today; I will have been here for A year. And I've already covered this nonsense of what has changed... It has of course changed since then already. The world keeps turning, life goes on. Sometimes plans change, sometimes there is no real plan, just a general idea of what you want to happen. I'm at that place again, where I can be anywhere, as long as I find work. I was unsuccessful at finding real work here. 

Sometimes our own lives aren't the important ones. Sometimes, it's the ones around us that matter. It should be what can I do for you? My life will work itself out. Maybe I'm just supposed to be there for others. Maybe my purpose in life isn't what I want, but what I can be for others. 

Perhaps life throws you curve balls so you can learn to dance around them.

Just want you to notice.

Who'da thunk that an ending like this would bring such high spirits? I honestly feel that I can tie my overly emotional downtrodden mood to this. Now that it's over, (it may sound cliche) I feel like a weight is lifted. I can smile freely, I think I can be my jovial, overly hyped, normal self. I may revert back to depressy, but not more than normal I feel. And these last few weeks, it's been way too much. It's been too much for even me to handle. October was terrible. But I'm good now. :D it is the 7th of November, and I'm good. It's been a good day. (I'm still up from the 6th) I was stood up today. I was broken up with (it seems like twice) today. I was asked to do what I could not do. I was accused of being two faced. But I'm good. I'm awesome. I have good friends. And I'm not the crazy one. I mean; I am crazy, but just as crazy as I know I am. Just as crazy as this girl can be. and it's a good crazy. I don't know what I want. I don't always know who I am, or where I stand. I don't have anything really figured out. I think about odd things. But I got family, and friends who care. They don't just say they care. I am better than I'm made out to be. True; I may still be in love with the past, but there's no changing the past. I can only try to move on from here. But I can now. there's nothing looming over me, judging my every move. I can open my mouth and say what I want to say. Not fearing that I'm being judged. Not caring if what I say, if it be wrong, is a deal breaker. That's too much work. I am a daughter of the most high. I need him. I don't know what that means to me yet. I may not know how to get to where I need to be. But right now, I'm surging with the confidence that I can get to the place where I know I should be. One day; I'll figure out my path. Until then, I'm happy to be alive. I love, I live, I am me.

12 months to opposite it

Let us take a step back to reflect. What has this past year taught us? You may wonder why in November I would be considering the passed year. Because the beginning of how my life changed, started in November of last year. It is now November once again. It most definitely has not turned out how I would have imagined it. I would never have dreamed that I would be living pay check to pay check working as a clerk at BevMo. I wouldn't have thought that I would have had 3 boyfriends. I would NEVER have dreamed that I would fall in love with a boy across a great distance and then have my heart ripped out by him (unbeknown to him). I would not have thought that I'd be considering the consequences and whatnot of an interracial relationship. I did not anticipate not being productive at all in design. I hadn't thought I would be helpless. I was in Wisconsin a year ago, not yet planning on coming back here. Not yet having met either boyfriend one or two. I'd not thought my best friend would be so far away from me and no longer thinking she'll grow up to be a dog lady. I didn't know I'd feel hopelessly depressed at the drop of a hat. I am caught off guard by the amount of emotions that careen through me daily. Who'da thunk that I would be the girl to see a boy's face and be crushed. Who'da thunk I would be considered a 'one of those girls' because of who I associated with. Who would have believed that my social skills would be so dismally vanquished by my lifestyle. But It's not all been negative. I have a boy that confuses me with how much he likes me. Most would be running for the hills. I can not fathom why he likes me so much. I really have no idea. Also; on a lighter note; there have been some good developments. I've been reconnected with my online friends, which contributes to the delinquency of my social skills. I've also got my creative juices flowing again. not in all the ways I'd prefer, but some none the less. I suppose I'll just have to take what life has given me and be happy with it. I just don't want to be the girl in the Pearl Jam song... "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." I hope that'll never be true.