I don't have a lable for you people anymore

It's been a long and trying week. A week ago yesterday gramma was up, talking and walking around. Her funeral was today. It's that concept right there that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. And I'll get over it eventually. I also will get over my displaced anger at my 'friends' as well. I want to thank you in advance for your patience with me, even though we may not have communicated on any level in recent weeks. Instead of dealing with my loss on hand, I've been attempting to get past some other grief that I'd put on hold for too long. The letting go is leaving me feeling numb. I'm no good with the stress I've been 'dealing' with lately, I have no buffer, no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to confide in. No one to just sit with and be. That's a loss that I don't know how to handle. (I forgot the train of thought I was going to go with on this one, so bear with me.) I may have overreacted and said something in my disparity that came off the handle. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone or push them away. Just the opposite is true. I want someone to be closer to me. Someone who'll really know me, and deal with me accordingly. I'm also trying to be 100% honest and the lack of support in the matter by way of response (or me knowing about it) is insurmountably astounding. It leaves me feeling like I'm here all alone. No one cares enough to show they care. I understand that everyone has their own wants and needs, and I try to be sensitive to that on their behalf. But I'm thinking This sucks. I've gone through life without and it still hurts so much. I'm not used to it. I won't ever be used to it enough, so that it won't hurt anymore. I can only become more cynical and numb, and then no one will want to be near me. and the viscous circle will continue on. Spiral on down, and crush me more.

See, one of the problems is; I didn't want to let go of what I had. I was deluding myself with hope that it would work out. and today's lack of response tells me that I was absolutely correct in my disparity. No one wants me. I miss, but am not missed. I want, but am not wanted. I am a friend, but am not befriended. I don't believe this true of EVERYONE. but four kind words at this junction in my life isn't enough to get me through.

I no longer think I'm being coherent. Nor do I know if each sentence goes on with the next. I am not slighting anyone, but those people who care and don't show it. I'm upset that people are selfish and wrap themselves up in their own problems. I hate that people lie to me with their good intentions, and no one follows through. It angers me that people don't keep their words. It's not cool that I have to feel alone so much. Even in a group of people, do I feel alone. Even in the presence of those who claim to be his hands and feet do I feel forgotten, unloved, unwanted, and displaced or judged.

Doom on You!

Ok, I'm done venting for now. 

I love my friends. I really do.

Skipping over the first stage of grief

Correct me if I'm wrong but; I think I've been in denial this whole time. I may have acted out what I thought I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to react. All the while making believe that it'll all work out, so I've not been dealing with it for real. I now realized that you don't want me, and that hurts.  I thought it was odd that I was able to put on the persona of a rock so easily. I was given the false hope that it would someday work out and the problem would go away. But it won't. The problem is left only with me. It took my grandmother dying for me to realize that. The false hope was just your letting me down easy, you don't want me.

I want someone who'll fight for me. Someone who'll pursue me. Someone who'll care for me in the ups and downs. For better or for worse. And I them as well.

Why Can’t I Have Hope as My Mantra?

I really don’t want to seem selfish here. But I am really feeling unappreciated. Maybe unappreciated isn’t the right word, but I’m not feeling especially loved. There’s just something about impending death that brings out the best and worst in people all at the same time. I think it makes people vulnerable, just enough to be themselves. It takes a physical and emotional toll on people. It wears them down to that person that they would be without filters, and then lets them apologize because they know that they’re not filtering. And yes, Everybody filters. Not everyone knows that they filter, nor does everyone filter the same. But no one is 100% honest 100% of the time.

What I’m saying is; I don’t know what I’m saying.

I’m feeling emotionally and physically drained. I have found in the last few days that I truly believe that knowledge is power. I also believe that the spoken word has power. For example; If people are always telling you that you’re ugly, you may soon believe that you’re ugly, and then you may fail to continue to take care or take precautions so as to detour yourself from being ugly. Likewise, if people all around you are talking like you are going to die any day now, or any month/week soon, your subconscious will convince your body that it may very well be true. I do not like the defeatist attitude. I do not appreciate the lack of faith in that demeanor, and that the household as a whole has taken on. What is all this just accepting your fate crap? What happened to fighting to live? Choosing life, making your own way? I believe that grandma is giving up because she’s seen that others have started to wilt in resolve, and have decided that she’s started to give up. I think she has been feeling discouraged at the slow recovery and wants to now give in and give up. But if the people around her would come together with a like mind, and truly believe in her; I think she could make it. I think she could pull through. Romans 4:17 says this: (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. (KJV)

On another note… I don’t cope the same way as ‘everyone’ else. With anything. Ever. I’m tired of people becoming angry/upset/off put/miffed with me for not grieving the way they want me to, or whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. My philosophy is to deal with things as they come, analyze whatever’s happened, to death, vent it out in a rant and then get over it, but all the while maintaining hope that something may change. That may just be an overzealous what if factor playing out its role, but it could also just be the mantra: ‘Never give up, never surrender!’

Is there a light to this hope I want to feel?

Dang it! Why do I miss you? Why do people still want me to be with you? Why do others assume that we would be the best together? Why do I dream about you? Why do I want to talk to only you about these things? Why do I want to confide in you? Why do I think that you don't even want to be my friend anymore? Why can't I get past this? Poop! 

I learn about me everyday

Yesterday I made a few... discoveries about myself... or something. Things that I may have already known, but choose not to think about; and things that I brainstormed.

One of these ascertainment's is that I don't really do well with people all the time. Not that I'm completely anti-social. I do have friends, I am not outgoing though. And I am not a people person. That face is a facade. I'm good at acting like a people person if I put my mind to it. But I don't think I really am. I would be happy pushing paperwork full time, and then being creative an running my company in the rest of my time.

There is a part of me that still wants to have a group of friends, but after almost 24 years, the likelihood of that happening and sticking and them being real/true friends is slim. I'll take what I get, and appreciate them for what they are. Good friends.

A second thing goes along with that first thing. Kinda. I don't think I'm going to look for 'love' I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. All I know is that I want to be like best friends with the person I end up with. (and I'd like them to be a bit taller than me.) Not that I was looking for 'love' but my eyes were open to it more than ever. I'm going back to living life.

Another thing came up in church. I have spent a lot of my time helping myself understand what it is that I'm not. Those things that come up, the insecurities that come from how people treat me on the day to day. It says I am those things, and I know I'm not. But I have failed to know what it is that I am. I am not inadequate. I'm not good at everything. I'm not just another pretty face. I'm not ugly, or mediocre, or useless. I could really go on. But what am I... I am me. But what does that mean.

That means I have a lot to figure out before I move on. I'm not even 100% on what I want to do anymore. That may be from discouragement due to a few things though...

I am not confident.

Not in everything. Not in all the things I should be.

I also realized that I like to learn/be taught by step by step instruction. Like that time at the airport when I was like 11. I didn't know what to do so I freaked out. But it turned out fine. And that time at the airport in Germany when I was 21. I didn't understand so I freaked. There are so many things that I've not taken advantage of in life because I don't understand or know about them. I know that I want to be led in life. Work my way up to leader. But not the top. Except in the case of my company. Who knows, maybe I'll put someone else in charge down the road.

For now though, I may change my name. I have this idea for a sketch/note book. I think I can also make it myself. I may need get it printed somewhere else. But I can make it myself. 

I think I strayed from the topic a bit here. But then again; what's new.

Plump and Pasty Me

This is so stupid! The pool here doesn't open until 2pm! What the Heck! Whoever heard of a pool opening at 2 on a Saturday?!

Anywho... I'm feeling a little discouraged, woozy, miffed... take your pick. I have been working out since I've been back in SoCal. Just about everyday. I don't eat junk. I haven't been drinking. I don't eat candy. I don't drink soda. I eat 'healthy' food, and drink juice and water. I don't eat out either. But nothing happens. Until this morning that is. Yesterday we ran out of food. I had a salad for breakfast, worked out, and wasn't able to eat again until today, because of all of the running around, and then there's no food here to eat. I wake up at 5 am because I have to feed the dogs at six, I drink some juice while I wait for the water to boil... and bam; it doesn't want to stay down. I then ate some oat meal, and My hand was shaking. So I worked out too much and didn't eat enough. 

That's not what I was going to say...

Last summer I ate healthy food and ran. Nothing happened. My body only ever changed when I was 'homeless' living on my aunts floor, and only eating fruit and muffins, and the occasional sandwich. Then in January; I worked out everyday and nothing happened. I was eating healthy then too, but I also didn't gain any back. Until I went to Wisconsin for two weeks and basically did nothing but challenge boyfriend to see who could eat more. I can be so stubborn/stupid sometimes. But then I was back to what I was before I was homeless... which wasn't a big difference. Since I've been back, I work out about 4-5 times a week usually 5. and sometimes 6. I eat healthy when there's food available, or I can't eat. Nothing is happening. I look exactly the same. I don't know what else to do. I can't starve myself and work out. I'll die. I don't think that would work either. Woe is me.

That's all on that subject.

Oh wait; My back now hurts pretty much everyday. It might be my bed, but it might just be my back.

On another point; I wanted to get a tan this year, or at least some sunshine. But I never can. The stupid pool is closed until 2 pm. The beach is way far away, and we don't exactly have a yard to lay out in. Poopy! I guess life wants me to be plump and pasty.

Aye, tis' birthday time 'gain

There are less than 2 months until my birthday, and I haven't even thought about it yet. True, the other day I thought about how I hadn't thought about it, but that's as far as thinking got. So I've decided that I'm going to start thinking about it now. What am I going to do for my birthday? I am going with my Jenny to the Pirate Faire the following weekend. And I have opened the invitation up to my other friends. I am willing to make all the plans in order to make this a birthday 'extravaganza.' We could camp... or I could look into cabins, I could also look into hotel/motel rooms. We could go up Friday night and Come back the last night, which is Sunday night.

But that's just one idea. I will still want to plan something for my birthday day. It's on a Friday this year. So there is no reason to not do something. I'm open to suggestions. Someone get back with me. As always, I mostly just want to have a good time with my friends.

ReDesigning DesignerVan Again

While re-designing my DesignerVan website, I discovered that in order to finish/really start, I have to re-design my stationary first. Which is something I have to do anyway. But I don't know what I want to do with it. Maybe since I already have a new resume, and portfolio. I could match everything else to them. That sounds like a good idea. I will also need to output all of my work a different way to do this idea. I'm very excited. I have things to work on while I'm sitting around doing nothing. Instead of doing nothing though.Now if only I can figure out the html for this stupid thing. I think I can manage it. Otherwise I can just do slices like the last one. I'm not sure yet though. I'll have to get everything else finished and up on the board before I worry about outputting and whatnot.

The Opposition of Holidays

I love holidays. I hate holidays.

I love that people get together with their families. I love that there is a searching for a higher meaning to living that comes with each. I love that there are opportunities to investigate into those meanings. I love that people wish each other well. I love the sense of camaraderie that comes from a centralized celebratory state of mind.

I hate that people don't know the deeper meanings behind what they are celebrating. I hate that people want to be satisfied, and look towards all the wrong things to satisfy them. I hate that people are left empty. I hate that camaraderie ends. I hate the media hype behind holidays. I hate that we are expected on these specific days to uphold some form of character that may or may not be a natural characteristic of ourselves, and on that holiday, all good form is attributed to it. I hate the excess of waste that comes from decorating, and advertising, and disposable knick-knacks.

Now, if you know me. I am not bad mouthing holidays. I do appreciate the good that comes from them. I also understand the media point of view and what-not. I am not saying we should do away with them, or traditions that come with them. I just don't want to be expected to do something because it's a holiday. If it's expected. It doesn't truly come from the heart. No wait; it has the potential to not come from the heart.

I think before we do something that is attributed to the holidays, we should reflect and see if we would do those things otherwise. Like spending quality time with our families. Or smiling at the people we pass on the street. Do we do these things regularly? Do we try to make every day special for the people we care about? Do we care enough to be a better person on Wednesday? Not just Easter?

Interacting with Life

I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. Now; I know this is not a new development. I usually can be caught thinking about any number of random topics. I know I need a job. And I know I feel that I am inadequate for most positions. I also know I don't have the personality for others. But where does that leave thinking? I'll tell you. Nowhere. I don't know anything else after that. I can speculate until I'm blue in the face about everything else that is/isn't going on in my life. But I don't really know anything.

I'm pretty sure I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. And I don't know why I dream what I dream. Nor do I understand why I dream of who I do. I don't know if there's a deeper meaning that my subconscious is coming up with without me. Or if it's merely a product of over thinking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to want anymore. I don't know what I'm expected to know. I don't know how to get through these trials that I'm faced with. I don't know how to be motivated. I don't know how to relate. I don't know if I even care anymore. 

I think I'm in need of good friends. Not that I don't have good friends. I need good friends who'll talk to me. And I can do things with. I think I'll go crazy if I am left to my own devices, cooped up here. I do nothing. And I lack that vital human interaction that makes us well rounded personalities.