It's been a long and trying week. A week ago yesterday gramma was up, talking and walking around. Her funeral was today. It's that concept right there that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. And I'll get over it eventually. I also will get over my displaced anger at my 'friends' as well. I want to thank you in advance for your patience with me, even though we may not have communicated on any level in recent weeks. Instead of dealing with my loss on hand, I've been attempting to get past some other grief that I'd put on hold for too long. The letting go is leaving me feeling numb. I'm no good with the stress I've been 'dealing' with lately, I have no buffer, no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to confide in. No one to just sit with and be. That's a loss that I don't know how to handle. (I forgot the train of thought I was going to go with on this one, so bear with me.) I may have overreacted and said something in my disparity that came off the handle. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone or push them away. Just the opposite is true. I want someone to be closer to me. Someone who'll really know me, and deal with me accordingly. I'm also trying to be 100% honest and the lack of support in the matter by way of response (or me knowing about it) is insurmountably astounding. It leaves me feeling like I'm here all alone. No one cares enough to show they care. I understand that everyone has their own wants and needs, and I try to be sensitive to that on their behalf. But I'm thinking This sucks. I've gone through life without and it still hurts so much. I'm not used to it. I won't ever be used to it enough, so that it won't hurt anymore. I can only become more cynical and numb, and then no one will want to be near me. and the viscous circle will continue on. Spiral on down, and crush me more.
See, one of the problems is; I didn't want to let go of what I had. I was deluding myself with hope that it would work out. and today's lack of response tells me that I was absolutely correct in my disparity. No one wants me. I miss, but am not missed. I want, but am not wanted. I am a friend, but am not befriended. I don't believe this true of EVERYONE. but four kind words at this junction in my life isn't enough to get me through.
I no longer think I'm being coherent. Nor do I know if each sentence goes on with the next. I am not slighting anyone, but those people who care and don't show it. I'm upset that people are selfish and wrap themselves up in their own problems. I hate that people lie to me with their good intentions, and no one follows through. It angers me that people don't keep their words. It's not cool that I have to feel alone so much. Even in a group of people, do I feel alone. Even in the presence of those who claim to be his hands and feet do I feel forgotten, unloved, unwanted, and displaced or judged.
Doom on You!
Ok, I'm done venting for now.
I love my friends. I really do.
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