Why Can’t I Have Hope as My Mantra?

I really don’t want to seem selfish here. But I am really feeling unappreciated. Maybe unappreciated isn’t the right word, but I’m not feeling especially loved. There’s just something about impending death that brings out the best and worst in people all at the same time. I think it makes people vulnerable, just enough to be themselves. It takes a physical and emotional toll on people. It wears them down to that person that they would be without filters, and then lets them apologize because they know that they’re not filtering. And yes, Everybody filters. Not everyone knows that they filter, nor does everyone filter the same. But no one is 100% honest 100% of the time.

What I’m saying is; I don’t know what I’m saying.

I’m feeling emotionally and physically drained. I have found in the last few days that I truly believe that knowledge is power. I also believe that the spoken word has power. For example; If people are always telling you that you’re ugly, you may soon believe that you’re ugly, and then you may fail to continue to take care or take precautions so as to detour yourself from being ugly. Likewise, if people all around you are talking like you are going to die any day now, or any month/week soon, your subconscious will convince your body that it may very well be true. I do not like the defeatist attitude. I do not appreciate the lack of faith in that demeanor, and that the household as a whole has taken on. What is all this just accepting your fate crap? What happened to fighting to live? Choosing life, making your own way? I believe that grandma is giving up because she’s seen that others have started to wilt in resolve, and have decided that she’s started to give up. I think she has been feeling discouraged at the slow recovery and wants to now give in and give up. But if the people around her would come together with a like mind, and truly believe in her; I think she could make it. I think she could pull through. Romans 4:17 says this: (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. (KJV)

On another note… I don’t cope the same way as ‘everyone’ else. With anything. Ever. I’m tired of people becoming angry/upset/off put/miffed with me for not grieving the way they want me to, or whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. My philosophy is to deal with things as they come, analyze whatever’s happened, to death, vent it out in a rant and then get over it, but all the while maintaining hope that something may change. That may just be an overzealous what if factor playing out its role, but it could also just be the mantra: ‘Never give up, never surrender!’