3 books for two weeks

Here's the thing. I don't know what the thing is. I leave in less than 36 hours. I have not packed yet. I have 3 books to take with me. I have no idea when I'll see my bestie Jenny. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what shoes to take. It will be cold. I don't know how to get rid of pesty boys. I could tell him in Spanish again that I have a beau. But he apparently thinks that that only lasted a month, and started bugging me again. I'm never hungry anymore. And I'm sick again. I was already sick for 25 days. 25 days! now we're on stage two of this sickness, and it's been 4 days now. I just want to be well. I really don't want to be an imposition to anyone. I think I will be. I hope I live up to the hype that's been prepared before me. Blah blahblah. I just want to breath again. I need a job. I need something to get me a little capitol in order to be able to start my own work. My own path. Maybe I can re-try the custom made dress/clothes thing. That's an idea. An idea lacking confidence. Bah-humbug. I don't want to feel ordinary.

Dog Catchers for the Greater Good

Life is pretty distressing these days. What with the state of the economy, and rampant immorality. Keeping your head on your shoulders takes a lot out of a person. So some of us strive to be better people. Make a difference. Contribute to the greater good. Or at least to what we believe is the greater good. I'm at the point where I'm questioning what I believe the greater good is anymore. Yes, I want to contribute to my American economy. But I am one entity. And I have NO clue what I'm doing. With more and more companies outsourcing, it's a wonder America has an economy at all. We are going to Hell in a Hand basket. This Empire will crumble. It's just a matter of time.

But alas; it was not my intention to go this route when I started typing. What I wanted to talk about was my writing. I was brainstorming with my brother the other day and I think I've come up with a direction for the plot of The Dog Catcher. Maybe. I want to write. I've been blogging a bunch lately. But nothing totally concrete. Mostly just thoughts and concerns based on over thinking and confusion. I want to get back to writing something with a literary purpose. I'm having trouble putting something into written form. I see all of these scenes as scenes in my head, as if they were shot in a film, or TV series. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can tell a story that will get people thinking about what they can do to contribute to the greater good. Instead of just going along for the ride, and conforming to the idea that hell is just a sauna.

Retaliation and Pandering

Do you keep things just because they are keepers? I have a tendency to not do things that people tell me to do if I have a choice, just because I'm stubborn. I wonder if that has any relevance to what I'll do about keepers... Will I weigh the options wisely and respond with logic? or will I reason my way out of it because everyone else thinks it's good. But then; is it really good, or do people just think it is, and it's may not be? In the reverse; There are movies that I've been told I would not like, and I do... similarly; do I like them because I was told I wouldn't? I don't think so. Sometimes I even like things I'm told to like. But then am I liking it to please the person who does? We don't like to admit that other people have sway over our way of thinking. We would like to claim that our thinking is all our own and completely independent. However, it's not. We all pander to some degree. Or our stubbornness kicks in and we do the opposite. I'm going to bed now. I'll ponder this... And hopefully I'll be able to figure out what I truly think.

Too Mean to Attend

Ok, Here's the next question... I'm out of work, so where ever I find work is where I'm going to live. Where will I live if I find a job, say in; Brown Deer or Mequon? I don't have ANY money yet, so that eliminates the possibility of purchasing transportation, and living arrangements. What are the options for living at all? I can stay here... use my mom's car, sleep on her couch, live out of a suitcase and find a dead end job while I look for a real one. However; I've had no real determination to find a 'real' one. I Want RunningMan Industries! I Want to be a Rockstar. I aspire to so much. Poop. Anyways... So; Where will I stay? And what will be the means till that ends?

Was it a Phone or a WebChat.

I actually wrote this the same night as ‘White t-shirt, purple lace’ But for some reason, probably embarrassment, I never posted it. Yay for random scene’s;

“Do you have any idea how dirty I feel” she asked him.

He merely raised his eyebrows.

She smiled and leaned in. “I’m sleeping in a t-shirt and underpants.”

He turned his head and tried not to grin. “Why does that make you feel dirty?”

“I’m not sleeping in my own bed.” She paused, gauging his reaction. Flirting is such a dirty mind game. “I’m staying in the guest bedroom at my friends house. But I usually just sleep in my clothes when I don’t have pajama pants.” She could also feel the alcohol coursing through her body. Egging on hormones in all the wrong places. “I usually keep my bra and pants on. Belt ‘n all.”

“Really?” is all he can exclaim at this point.

“But I felt the need to do without them tonight.”

“Well, I wish I were there with you.” He admits.

She merely laughs, unsure how to respond to such a statement in her present state. “I think it’d be best to say goodnight now. I’m not sure I’m in the right mindset to be chatting this way right now.” She says as she rolls further away from the keyboard. “I may have to sleep alone tonight. But I’m not going to do so with my computer on."

The Scene Near the End...

The Scene Near the End Before the Overly Emotional Happy Ending in a Chick Flick.

“I didn’t do this.” Her jaw started to tremble. “He contacted me. I didn’t ask him to. He came to me. I don’t have control over what other people do.”

He could only stare at her stony faced. She had no idea what to think in this instant. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong so quickly?

“I told you because not telling you would be to lie.” She started to reason. “Nothing even happened. I didn’t do anything.” He couldn’t look at her anymore.

“I think it’s best if you leave now.” He said staring straight into her eyes. His jaw set with determination.

She gasped and tears started to well in her eyes. Her voice cracked as she spoke. “Al-alright. Fine.” Through blurry eyes, she turned and headed for the door grabbing her coat on her way out. She walked in a dumbfounded speechless silence. She had nowhere to go, so she just walked. She didn’t live here; she had no car, no friends nearby. Everything she owned was in a suitcase in his mother’s guest bedroom. All she could do was walk, and cry, and think about how her life had just deteriorated before her eyes.

“That was a bit harsh. Don’t you think?” His mother spoke up from the doorway to the kitchen, where she had just witnessed the butt end of their quarrel. He turned to look at her and clenched his teeth, the crease in his brow increasing, huffing his distaste at her involvement.

“She said she didn’t do anything.” She said as she put her hands up and started her retreat. “Personally I think I believe her, she’s going to freeze to death out in that snow…” she continued to mumble as she exited the way she’d come in.

When she was gone, all he could do was turn and fall to the couch. Unable to keep his emotions at bay any longer, he cupped his head in hands and sobbed.

Bad Thoughts Made of Too Much Time;

This thought process takes me by surprise every time is assaults me… and I don’t pay it too much homage.

I think I have a pretty eclectic personality. And I’m pretty much the same person around everyone. Maybe not a few choice members of my family; but that’s just special cases. I don’t flirt. At least I don’t think I do. I just am. I try to be as real as humanly possible, while still being human. And some people find that to be an easy personality. Some people even like it. So here’s my bad thought… brought to you by over thinking. I might be the ‘perfect’ girl, to a point, for lots of different people. Now, out of that; how do I know who I’m supposed to be that perfect one for? How do I choose? Physical attraction? Intellectual stimulation? Who has the best toys? Who has the best hair? Who passes the best compliment? Whose bank account is largest? Not that any of these reasons are really a reason to choose. This might be a leap of blind faith. Or maybe I’m just supposed to be able to filter out and find the one that’s the most genuine. But then, since I can’t be inside anyone else’s head to know what they’re thinking of; How can I make sure what I choose isn’t just settling? I told you this was a bad thought… That thought leads to the thought of; what if I choose, and then whomever I’ve chosen changes their mind? They discover I’m not as perfect as I seem. Where will that leave me? This is part of the train of thought that makes me be the way I am. No false pretenses. I am what I am. But what if what I am turns out to be glitter that rubs off… and that’s the other had; What if I’m just the one that’s good enough to pass boredom with? What if I’m the one that they’re just settling with?

And What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Ok. After much 'soul searching' and a little bit of deliberation. Actually; it was mostly just me sitting in traffic overthinking... I think I know why I don't aspire to anything. Because what I want to aspire to has been so construed as an impossibility that I feel it futile, and silly to want to want it. Like I should be embarrassed that a child's dream is my actual dream as a functioning adult. Or not so functioning adult really. I want to be a Rockstar. Point blank. I want to make the world a better place. I want to be able to make enough money to give joyfully to the needs of others. I want to be famous for one thing, and do another art on the side. I want RunningMan Industries to have a pull and a name. I want to be a Rockstar. Regardless of how inane, silly, misguided, or amateur that statement may sound. I don't want to grow up from that. I want to be a Rockstar. That is all.

The things to do to get to be me

Things to do: I need to invest in jeans. I have two pair. One is gray, the other; dark blue, both are skinny jeans... skinny jeans don't work with everything... and I am sick and tired of seeing everyone in a room wearing the same exact thing... skin tight pants (jeans or leggings) with boots, and some sort of graphic or v-neck tee, with a cardigan... granted, there are some variations. But seriously! there is a reason spandex went out the first time. Some people should not wear just it. I know I'm not one who should, so I don't. So; I think a nice pair of Mid to lowrise, long enough to wear with pumps bootcut jeans in a medium to dark wash would be spectacular.

I need to invest in undergarments. I didn't really notice what a dent the puntables had put in my supply until I got here and have to do laundry every so often, because it would be unsanitary not too... And Bras die.

I have to find shoes made in the USA. This is the most difficult thing ever. I just need some basic black comfortable slides... like a Mary Jane, or a basic ballet flat... Basic black pumps would be good too... some converse would probably be too much to ask. Why did Chuck Taylors have to move to China?! Dangnabit! I had an interview today, and my shoes were falling apart. Not so noticeable, but I knew.

I need to actually start the RunningMan. Therefore, I need a screen printer. I need the list for wholesale t-shirts, but my supplier is not working with me... I need a plan for that one. I also need to make a pattern for the new dress/skirt/top set thing... as seen on designervan.blogspot.com

I need to decide if I really want a job. Now, this sounds like an odd statement. But I really wasn't feeling it today. I do feel it when I do work. But finding the work is brutal. and repetition and staring at a computer screen all day sounds terrible to me. I need interaction. And I know I need to be led. I can't start as leader, I can work up to it. But I can't start there.

My dad needs to record my album. Now, I'm not pawning this one off. Granted, I have next to no control over this one. But I can take some control on that is not mine, I might become a really annoying nag in the process, but then something might actually come of it. I would say that the last year, production wise, was a complete waste of my time. Not productive artistically in any respect at all. Bummer days...

That's all of the list I'm posting for now... I know there's more, but if I make the physical list too long, I'll just procrastinate the whole thing because it seems overwhelming.

On another note. I'm attempting to put my words of wisdom into practice. I am trying to become the same person I say I am, and when that starts to seem futile on some topics. I say it as I actually am, and not as I want me to be. Just Breathe!

Happily forever after, for a night.

What is forever? What happens in ‘happily ever after’? Nothing? No, life still happens after the curtain’s drawn. Life during ‘Happily ever after’ is a struggle… ‘Happily ever after’ implies that we already know what will happen. They are happy for the rest of their lives together… I don’t think that happens very often. 50%+ of marriages in the USA these days end in divorce. This begs us to ask the question. Were these people spending too much time contemplating the fairy tale, and not enough preparing for ‘ever after’? Did they consider ‘ever after’ at all during the fairy tale? What if the story’s not a fairy tale? What if it’s a drama? Or a tragedy? One could only hope for a romantic comedy… and we pray it’s not a thriller, or horror…

I’ve mentioned before that I look forward to that struggle that is ‘happily ever after’. The journey may be long, but didn’t someone say; getting there is half the fun. And half the battle. The thing about the battle though… the thing is… one person can’t accomplish too much in that battle, if they’re the only one fighting. One person can’t fight enough to power a struggle for two. This fact scares me. I’ve been in just friendships where I was the only one working at it. And that’s just friends. Has to be one of the most frustrating things ever. We never worked together with a common interest at heart. It was more of a ‘yep, I’m bored… I’ll pass my time with you sitting here.’ But that’s not really a friendship I feel. Yes, that can happen in friendships, but there is a push and a pull. And being a bump on the furniture, or someone to drink with, so you’re not drinking alone, is not enough to be building. I’m not sure what tangent that is…

I have gotten off topic yet again. And once again; I’ve even confused me. Let me restart on another note :

Is there a one and only for everyone? For anyone? Is it possible that we can make the correct decision the first time? Can I find forever? Will I know it when I see it? Will it be willing to work with me? Will forever want to be ‘happily ever after’? Or is forever just a one night stand? Hypothetically speaking of course.

Skee Ball is my Gambling

So, LasVegas, was surprisingly fun. Not surprising in that I didn't think I would my time with the people I was with. I knew I'd enjoy myself with them. But I thought it wouldn't be as enjoyable as it turned out to be. I thought there would be little to nothing to do for someone like me. Someone who doesn't gamble, and doesn't drink as much as they used to. I don't think I complained all that much about the usual things either. Like the weather, and the amount of walking, trust me, there was a lot of walking. I was even ok without my alone time. That surprises me. I've always craved my alone time. I still do. Just alone as in away from certain people I think. I'm ok alone. I do it well... I don't need it. But sometimes other peoples agendas get in the way, and that is what aggravates me about not having alone time. But for those five days, I was ok without it.

Now, I don't really remember why I started typing today. Maybe it was merely for something to do. Not really sure at this point. Anyways; I miss my beau. I didn't think I could ever be this way with anyone. 23 years without it, and not worrying about it, makes ya think you may never have that. But I'm good. I've got it. And no I'm not just making a replacement for Buzzy, Soulshoes was a good choice. and He's different. This is different. I don't know if it's as strong, but it's good. I could see it becoming something stronger. something better. Blah! Look at me going on. teehee!