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Do you know how it feels to know that you're letting someone down? Even before you've told them, or they find out about what you've done? Even before you do it? That's where I'm at. Not that what that person believes should be done is right, but you still don't want to disappoint them. What they think, feel and believe; matters, but you just cannot appease them this time. And this time, out of everything, may be so big that their opinion of you as a person may change... knowing that the dynamics of your relationship are about it change is hard. Especially when you have NO idea how much they are bound to change. And then there's the waiting to find out how they're going to change. waiting to see how that person will receive and react to the news that may shatter your relationship. How will the dynamics between you change? There's a lingering fear and dread there. The aura of the unknown and mounds of uncertainty. It's kinda stressful just thinking about it. People always tell you, it'll be alright, or if it's a strong bond, everything will work out... But things change. Even if it's the strongest bond, some things just can't stay the same. I'm just afraid of how it'll change. I'm not going to try and stop the change. But I'm not going to encourage it either.
On the other end of the spectrum. I feel confident that I am making a good choice, and I do not feel that any amount of reasoning or persuasion will sway me from my choice. Living with a bowling ball in your brain for several months is bound to break a person down, so I am removing myself from said bowling ball situation and choosing something else. I have found the one I believe to be the love of my life, and I am excited to start builiding our life togehter away from the unruly stress that is my current job. I do not know exactly what the future holds for us. I do know the ground is shaky when you're poised at the end of a needle, but together, we can balance out our platform by working together. I love you Mr. Peanut. SWTOR and all.
Yay Energy! I can't sleep. It's not that I can't sleep because I have energy. No. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about what's going to happen over the next several weeks. I have energy because I have hope that I don't need to be here anymore. I have decided that my miserable self cannot work this job. You don't know it, because for the duration of my terrible job experience here, thus far; I have not been in this blog much, nor talking about said job experience. It basically breaks down to a few key points. 1) My assistant Manager is useless. 2) My boss does nothing about the terrible uselessness (and counter-productiveness) that is my assistant manager, though things should have been done a LONG time ago. 3) I am the face of a company I'm growing to not care about because of reasons 1, 2, and 4. 4) I have too much responsibility and not enough power. Over the next several weeks, I may get into that deeper, because it is weighing heavily on me. It is also the main reason I am losing my sanity. But I have hope that it won't be happening much longer. I have fear of what will happen until that time frame is up, and what happens after it.
I am very glad to be regaining sanity. But will I be losing a different part of sanity? Will I still be me at the end of this? Will this be the biggest mistake of my life? Will he still love me when he has to deal with me ALL the time? Will family still accept me after I make this choice? Is this dumb? Can I do it? Will I find other work? What do I do with all of my stuff? How do I tell MY family? Will the roomie see why I need to do this, and forgive me for not sticking to her side? Will I get stuck? Will a rut seize me and i'll just turn into a bump on a log and never attain any type of goal at all? Am I driving myself mad? Am I making a mistake?
It would be a bigger mistake to stay.
Actually; I don't have anything specific to talk about. Mr. Peanut is sleeping, and I can't sleep yet. So I'm laptopping it up in bed... whooooooo... I could talk about how I sometimes think I look like a sexy beast and then I don't. But I was not feeling it tonight. Then I saw my reflection... I'm all "Dang Girl, you's a sexy beast." in my head. Out loud, I just giggled and remarked on it when I returned from the bathroom. That's actually it for now... I have a feeling I'm going to be rather "secretive" on this blog for a while. That may change. But I don't want to spill just yet, everything. No funny business, just stuff.
Look at all the things I miss when I go away for a long while. Everything looks different. Almost everything is different. Besides the fact, that I hate my job and would like to still live in a van down by the river... pretty much everything has changed. The layout for posting has most certainly changed... I haven't even looked at what I need to do to post this yet. It's a new year! My Bestie is getting married. (To a douche... ok, maybe not a douche, but I'm not happy with him.) My other Bestie has relocated to my neck of the woods and started life at my humble abode. AND; I have a Mr. Peanut! I don't think the world is ready for the cheese that is the love between us. That or I just don't know how to describe what I want to say. But I did not come here today to talk about him, or us. But I do want to say this! Tomorrow is our 3 monthiversary, and it has been wonderful. I think I actually came back here today, just so I could start coming back here. There's got to be a first, it's gotta start somewhere, so sometimes, you just have to power through and eat the first bite, or take that first step. Just Got To Do. 'Cus if you don't just start, then you can keep putting it off, and you'll never start. And I don't want to stay away from the blog anymore. I'm not saying that I'm coming back and it's going to be the same as it was. I'm not saying that it's going to last forever. I am definitely not saying this is a one time re-return, or the format is going to change. I'm saying this is my first step and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know I would like to put my thoughts out there again.
