The Hair and Face Routine

My Brother and I

I have been worried lately; about my personal hygiene and beauty regimen. Meaning; I want to look my best for my wedding, but I am not sure if I can currently attain something of that caliber  So: I have been on my new favorite site, OffBeatBride.com tooling around in the forums for some helpful information, provided by off beat persons, such as myself. I have found some helpful information and some relief. Turns out, according to some and many, I am not a total lost cause when it comes to these things.
In the past (growing up) I was chastised many times for not owning a hair dryer and not actually knowing how to use one... But I thought heat wasn't good for your hair. I'm right, they're wrong, air drying is better for your hair than blow drying. On that note; I also don't use a curling iron, nor am I well versed in it's uses. I do own a hair straightener, but it is a good one, and it is ceramic, and I don't normally use it either.
I was told when I was probably 11 or younger that I should never brush my hair when it's wet, by an older daughter of one of my parents friends who had curly hair. However, she did say that I could brush it while it was dry. For the longest time I did actually do just that; I only combed it when it was wet and only brushed it when it was dry. The results was big, poofy, frizzy, terribly bad hair. In more recent years I have foregone brushing all together, except to get the knots out right before I shower. And because of a bottle of some fancy hair care product I was "prescribed" by an overly expensive hair dresser when I was probably 13, I now take a comb to my hair, in the shower, with conditioner in it, to even out distribution of the product.
About four years ago when I was without a home, I could only wash my hair/shower at all about every third day. I had it dyed dark at the time, and my hair took to this nicely. When my living situation got a little more regular, I stuck to not washing it every day, and washed it at best every other day. I did this because I wanted to save money and water. But it worked well for my hair. (I had bangs and a long Joan Jett style, with naturally curly hair; it HAD to be straightened, so I was also saving time.)
While I was living at this location, however, I was informed by a not-so-reliable source that washing your hair all the time is ok, but conditioning is bad. You don't have to wash every day, but conditioner is bad for your hair to use it all the time. I was also told this in a way that made it seem like she thought I was a total A**Hole for not knowing this OBVIOUS piece of trivia (I'm sorry, I'm not the beauty school dropout, you are! And you smell funny too.) I think my hair washing dosage increased about this time. Shortly after that encounter, I was told by a quasi-hippy/hipster friend that washing all the time was NOT good, but you should condition every day... Imagine my confusion. At this point I took all of what everyone told me and threw it away because everyone's full of Sh*t! (*Deep Breaths*)
More recently, in the last 6 months or so, I was reading up on random articles online about having "Younger Looking Hair." I think they were articles for women with gray hair, but I figured the logic was still sound. (I had gone back to not washing every day, but I was not religious about it, nor was I doing for any other reason but because I was most likely too lazy to.) From there I realized that I can save shampoo and help my hair by only shampooing my scalp. And every time I do shampoo, I must condition. I could also save conditioner by only conditioning the roots. (granted I would now use more conditioner than shampoo because I have long, tapered and layered hair and I would no longer be able to make my bottles last an even amount of time.) I also don't always use the comb in the shower anymore. I just comb my conditioner through my hair with my fingers.
I have over the years attempted to use "product" on my hair to assist in the frizz/poof reduction, but not much has made me happy. I was using some curl hydrating stuff, but I couldn't see a notable difference in my hair, having used it so I purchased a different brand of similar product and hate it, so I'm not using anything now.
Since my discoveries in my most recent hair hygiene research, I have found a few more things that can assist in long, happy, healthy, affordable hair. Besides the actually OBB forum (which you can't view unless you're a member) I was also directed to a few helpful links (and then I spent several hours on You-Tube watching related videos.. or at least it felt like hours.) One of these links was super useful, because I do have curly hair, and I have seen it at its best. The CurlyGirlMethod sounds good to me. And I could probably incorporate most of those things into my daily/bi-daily/every 3rd day routine. I actually ran out of my old shampoo this morning so was able to go and purchase a not too expensive sulfate free shampoo and conditioner justifiably. It wasn't too much more than what I was already spending on "good" shampoo and conditioner.
I was also directed to a few product sites, one of which caught my eye by their claims of being curly hair experts. Oiudad looks pretty legit, and a lot of the videos I watched today were reviews of said product. It looks like it is a worthwhile product, however I desperately hate it when I look like a poodle. Yes, my hair can get that curly. I don't plan on ever buying a fancy hair dryer. And I can't imagine I'd ever be one to spend lots of time putting product in my hair. I can't actually see myself using a product line like this, simply because of the cost of it.
I wonder about organic products, if they're worth a shot. Or if there's an at home remedy that can be made like this skin care method I'm keen to try out. Which is another thing I've been researching. (but not as much yet.) Skin care. I've started researching skin care because I'm 26 and I still don't understand what I'm doing. "Wash your face before bed and in the morning" "Rinse with Hot water." "Splash with cold water." "Use a warm wash cloth." "Massage with an exfoliating brush." "NEVER use your fingers." "Wash every day." "Buy proactive." "IF it doesn't work, you're doing it wrong." "Use Noxema." Use this, use that, don't ever, this always, Hot, Cold, Ice, Mask, Brush, Cloth, Oil. Oil is bad, oil is bad, oil is bad. "Use your faces natural oils to your benefit."... I'm sure there is some wisdom in there somewhere, but how does one make sense of it when it's all a bunch of hullabaloo? This Oil Cleansing Method sounds like it has some substantial backbone on it, and based on what I've read of "consumer" reviews, it's worth trying.
After I figure out what I'm going to do about my hair and face, I'll start looking into the rest of my body; skin care.

All the things we know so far

The mister and I were able to sit down together today and talk through our expectations of the wedding. I let him go first. Turns out his idea of what will happen, isn't that far off from mine. I did have to fill in all the holes where he didn't have any idea of what would happen, but overall, it was the same. Which is good. We tried to talk about the ceremony itself, which was both good and bad, too. Good because, there too we are on the same page. Bad because, neither of us have any ideas of what we actually want. But we were able to talk through and make a general schedule of events for the day.

We'll have the rehearsal dinner the night before and hopefully set up the chairs. No ideas for this one yet. After which the Mr. and I will part ways. He'll most likely stay with his groomsmen (If he picks any by then). I'll stay wherever I plan on staying when it gets closer. So we won't see each other until the ceremony.

2pm - Guests arrive - We'll start off with a cocktail "hour" to ensure that everyone arrives before the ceremony, and gives them a chance to mingle. FH can choose to attend this or not, I'm leaving that up to him. I will be getting ready. There will be both beer and wine available. As well as various plates of foods; Cheese, Crackers, Meats, Fruits, Nuts... During this time we'll have background music going that consists of big-band styles of music and variations thereof.

2:30pm - Ceremony - We're planning on having a transition song so that people will know that we're seriously starting the ceremony now and they have to find their seats. Right now we have our transition song listed as The Final Countdown by Europe. (Teehee!) The song is drastically different than what would be playing prior, and it's long enough for people to find seats. I'm planning on saying something in the "program" about the transitional song, and I'm working on having ushers to ush. We'll be doing the spiral aisle that I've seen here and the smaller center row of seats will be reserved for specific family members. The rest will be free-for-all style. The reserved seats will have exclamation points attached to them, along with the name of whom it's been reserved for. The rest will have Questions marks. (The punctuation will be an ongoing theme throughout and is a throwback to a WoW reference, or MMO questing in general.) We'll only have one processional song, which will be my favorite; Sleep Walk by Santo and Johnny. I only have 2 bridesmaids and no one else to walk down the aisle accept me, escorted by my dad. Like I said before I'm not sure yet about the ceremony, but I would like it, if at all possible, for when the officiant says; "You may kiss the bride." For the music from Legend of Zelda to play (that short little bit whenever Link gets fancy new treasures... Don't know what it's called.) Then there'd be a recessional that we haven't chosen yet and the ceremony part will be over. In the little "program" do-hicky I'd explain that people can take their chairs and move them wherever they'd like throughout the room.

3pm-ish - Cocktail Party/ Reception - While the wedding party takes photos and things people will be allowed to get more comfortable. We'll have specialty cocktails available alongside the beer and wine, as well as a variety of special hor de vours. When the wedding party returns, the dancing will ensue. We know we want a first dance; Lucky by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Calliet (sp). We'll have a Mother Son dance for him and his mom, which he gets to choose the song, or let her. My dad is choosing the music for our Father Daughter Dance, which he wants to be super fun and unexpected, and would like for me to choreograph. And a Dollar Dance, because we've liked that at every wedding we've been to that has had one.

5-6pm - Not sure if we want a two or three hour reception, but I'm sure I'll want to be done by 6 at the latest. I will enlist the help of specific people to clean up, because I know I won't want to.

The next day we're going to have a brewery visit day. We'll probably go to Milwaukee. I like the idea of the Sprecher Brewery, because they brew soda as well as beer and many of our guests don't drink alcohol. But I'd like to make sure that the tour is worth it before we choose. I'm not sure what else we're going to do yet, but it will be September in Milwaukee, so I have time to figure it out.

Then Monday; We leave on honeymoon! I'm letting the Mr plan this all by himself.

That's just the general outline that we've come up with so-far. Then I realized that we don't actually have the venue down in stone. But I'm 95% certain that the place I'm thinking of is the place we'll have it. The building is owned by a close personal friend of my dads, and since I've started asking about doing my wedding at his building, he's gotten super excited about offering his building for weddings, and is talking about putting in a kitchen off of the hall we'd use for festivities. We've also established that we only know who is on my side of the wedding party and no one else official. We have some options for officiants, but aren't drawn to any of them. They're all friends of family members. We don't have a photographer yet, but we can look into them once we're both out in WI, so Way after my move. We don't have a caterer, but I do have some ideas for foods. I'm going to have to look into that. My grandmother or my cousin both do wedding cakes, I just have to find out if either of them are willing and if we even want a wedding cake. I don't know about hair, nails, or makeup yet, but I have lots of time for that. I have my dress, it just needs to be altered, which won't start happening until 4 months prior. The bridesmaids have an idea of what I want them to get for their dresses (Cocktail dresses in any of our wedding colors with shoes to match). I have an idea of what all male party members are going to wear (Suits; Black, Gray or Navy. I'll probably buy them ties and they have to wear an appropriate colored shirt). I am making my own bouquets and decorations. I'm making the Save the Dates and Invitations. I've already made the website. We've ordered my "proper" engagement ring (FH chose it himself)... I can't think of anything else.

I think I'm trying to plan everything that I can before I move. We don't know yet when FH will be able to move too.

Some days I'm not me.

Some days I feel pretty. Some days I don't. Some days I just feel like a person. Others I feel like I look like a miserable heap. Some days I look in the mirror and then think I look worse. Some days I look and am surprised by me. Some days I'm good. Others I'm bad. Some day's I'm beyond miserable. Some days I'm depressed, heart-broken or just plain sad. It's an odd feeling when I think of how I look, and my reflection proves me wrong. "Oh, that's me. I am pretty." My shadow lies and my peripheral tells half truths. I like it best when how I feel being me, is good, and how I look matches that. It doesn't always happen. I'd like if it would happen more. But I'll take what I can get. Each day that is good, builds a little bit to my confidence. When I'm confident, I feel even better, and I can better make it a point to invest time, energy, or happiness into being me. When that happens, I can be a better me. In theory; If I could keep this up, I'd be the best me I can be in no time. But then I have bad days. And in the end, I'm still just me. Can't be any me-er than I already am.

And my name is...?

I considering a name change. When I am married, my current names for my blogs will no longer make any sense. Van will no longer be a part of my name, unless I choose to keep my maiden name. I am also considering going only by my game tag and my first name. I have no idea yet what my blog's names will become at that point, but I am considering it. I may give up the idea all together though and simply keep the blogs as is and let them remain beyond confusing to the masses. Input please, I keep going round an round with this on my own. What would I rename my blogs to if I did change? The current names are RawCeeyena (which I would keep), Van's train of thought (aka; vanscreative.blogspot.com), DesignerVan, HealthyVan, and LiteraryVan. Ceeyena is my gamer tag, and if you know me, you know my first name. If you've read any of this blog before, you may have realized that I don't care for my soon to be married name, but I'll get over it. Ideas?

I'd like one ring to rule them all... but he wants 3.

I have been looking for rings lately. A wedding band for him, and a more proper engagement ring for me. We need to at least get the engagement ring before I move away. So I brought it up to the Mr. yesterday. Apparently he has a few preconceived ideas about the rings that he failed to tell me previously. I don't have a problem with him having his own wants and needs, I actually welcome that. But he's terrible at explaining, and I can't figure out why he wants what he wants. We've made an appointment with each other to choose rings on Friday, but I'm still not sure I understand. Are there specific things that are supposed to happen with rings? What if I don't want to wear more than one ring? I've actually mentioned this to him before. Why should we spend money on an engagement ring that's going to be put away in a box as soon as we're married for the rest of eternity? He wants our wedding bands to match, what If I don't want the same ring he wants? He also says that I can't use my engagement ring as a wedding band as well. He specifically said that. The wedding band must be the ring that he puts on my finger the day of the wedding, and not something I had been wearing before. I'm not completely opposed to the idea of matching rings, and could consider the others... I just don't understand why, all of a sudden, he has these opinions about what's right and wrong procedure for rings. Is there specific protocol that I'm missing, something that I should consider? Sometimes I wish he had a longer attention span.

Name Changing Blues

I have been thinking about this since long before we got engaged... it's going to be a real pain in my ass to change my name. Not just for legal reasons, but for personal reasons as well. I don't go by my first name, and haven't for at least 8 years. I go by a variation of my last name. That's my current last name. And I've always known that I would change my last name when I got married, but I never envisioned it being a last name that I disliked so much. So I, myself, am having trouble wrapping my head around not going by my current nickname anymore (which in and of itself is already a hassle to explain to people), and going back to my real first name (which people butcher so much, which caused me to go by my nickname in the first place). I could keep my nickname and hyphenate my last name with his last name, but my current name is already far too long as is. I have 2 first names, a long middle name and a two part last name, and his last name is actually longer than my current last name. So fully written out my name is currently 28 characters long. If I change it to his it will be 30 characters long. If I hyphenate it will become 39 characters plus punctuation. But that's not even the real issue. The real issue is I don't want to go back to my first name, but my nickname will no longer make sense. "It's short for my last name." will no longer suffice. It'll be: "It's short for my maiden name." That'll give 'em all goggely 'you're a crazy one, aren't you' eyes. *deep breath* Am I crazy? Is there a way around this? Or am I just going to have to go back to my first name and have people butcher my name for the rest of my life... "Thank you so much for letting me know I'm pronouncing my own name wrong, I had no idea it's pronounced the way you just said it and no the way it's been said for 26 years." Did I mention I don't like his last name? Does that make me a bad person? Can we change our last name to his gamer last name? I like that one.

Which reminds me, I have to throw my online personality name in there as well... CHIT!

Why Yes I am an Off Beat Bride!

It gets kinda old every time I state the fact that it's been a while since my last post, so from now on; I'll try to refrain from pointing it out. Hopefully this will be the last time. I have been posting "Journal Entries" on the OffBeatBride website, but they are almost completely wedding related. Except for the most recent one or two. Which deal with factors that have come about due to wedding planning and life in general. Instead of posting each on individually, I will post them all in this entry. Then I'll (Probably) start posting here, from here on in for things not to do specifically with the wedding. And probably those as well... So without further ado. From first to most recent; my OffBeathBrideTribe posts:

Choosing the answers to People's questions. (1)
I have been sitting in this same spot on this couch for at least a week. I'm surprised my laptop hasn't burned through my legs yet. This wedding planning stuff is keeping me busy though, I feel like I'm being productive. So far this week, we've decided on our more specific, general color scheme, a theme and added on to our wedding party. Actually this site helped me narrow down how to describe what I want, and pinpoint what exactly that was. So: Drumroll please... Our colors are Bright Sunflower Yellow, Deep Dark Blue leaning more towards green than purple, and all shades of Gray (with a hint of blue if it must.) Now I know that sounds rather specific, and I've been battling with it for a couple days now because I've been afraid of what everyone will think and how they'll react to it *Deep breaths* But then I realized I could give out this more neurotic color palette and ask people involved to stick to it as closely as humanly possible (within reason, of course). I was also afraid of choosing the colors I wanted because everyone said it wouldn't mesh well with the weather or the environment. Pah-lease! The other thing that helped say it's okay to define my colors so narrowly is the theme/style I chose. I want an 8bit Cocktail Party Wedding. The Puese (Fiancee) and I are both fans of video games, he's more of a super-fan than I am, but we do play on almost a daily basis. Mash that up with my desire to have everyone dress up, and my affinity for vintage "Finer things" fashions, I came up with the theme we now have. Now I'm going to take a break for looking at DIY tutorials for creating flowers and decorations and play some Zelda to get a better scope on what I want those flowers to look like. In the end it's our wedding and we'll do what we want.

Talking through my issues
So I had an emotional/mental breakdown last night. I'm still trying to figure out what triggered it, and why it happened, but I do think I have some contributing factors nailed down.
One; I'm not working. I can't find work. I have loads of time on my hands. I have plenty of things I'd like to do with that time. I cannot feasibly choose to do those things. Well, why not? Because we're supposed to move at the end of the year. I don't want to create anything else that would add to the number and amount of things we'll have to transport across the country. So I feel useless.  - To combat this, I could probably have Some arts and crafts time, and make some things just to see if I can. I don't have to make them for the wedding, and I can then get rid of them before we move.
Two; I feel uncomfortable in this space. At the beginning of this year it was established or determined, that my terrible job was more destructive to me than it was worth. So I quit my job and moved in with my BF. A few months earlier he'd moved back from up north and in to his brother's house (Which is a duplex with his parent's house). So it was us in his brother's house, ultra close to his parents. This paired with my personal issues with personal space and social awkwardness makes me not want to get into anyone else's space and do anything "Productive" because it might get shunned/cut short/or something.  - I have no idea how to combat this, but If I rearranged my room for the day, I might be able to find the space to do a craft.
Three; I'm doing this all alone. Because we haven't moved yet, all of the people I would enlist to assist me, don't live anywhere close to me. They are thousands of miles away. My mother is here, but she works full time and is having marital issues with her new husband. I suppose I could try and find out if any of my friends here would help me out, but I don't have a car, so I can't drive anywhere. And this is Southern California, no one can be bothered to step outside of their own bubbles and come to me.
I'm sure there's more to my breakdown. But I'm a bit better today, and Fiancee doesn't work today so I can try talking it out with him. He really is the best. He got me a chili-cheeseburger and watched the Iron Giant with me last night; Two of my favorite things.

Whirlwind of WoW ideas on my Anniversary
I am feeling much better now. I am no longer curled up in a ball sobbing and freaking out. Yesterday, to thwart my own reasoning, I pulled my arts and crafts stuff out of it's storage place and set to work trying to create those things that I've found to create. I've been staring at DIY flower creations and have been feeling hopeless about making any of them because I don't want to make anything just so I have to move it later. But DUH! I don't have to make the real ones now. So I set out o make as many paper flowers as I could out of construction paper. I then remade some of them with a video game twist, by either adding a black line to them so they looked cell shaded or by squaring them off so they looked like large pixels. I successfully made 6 different flowers. And I think some of them are sturdy enough to make a bouquet our of. Others are good for other purposes, like boutonnieres. So there's a sense of accomplishment right there. I just need to make sure I can make them out of more sturdy/attractive paper then construction paper, and that my colors will work with my altered designs. But sitting here staring at them (paired with a little talk the Mr. and I had last night about what we want, and what inspires us.) I've been on a roll of fun ideas for our 8 bit Cocktail party.
We both play WoW and other games, and we both liked the idea of the quest, but were unsure how to incorporate it without it feeling out of place. So today; I decided that each of our mailing pieces can be a quest (Invitation, Save the date, Directions card) which would have their own corresponding "quest turn in" (Reply card, the ceremony itself, the bar). Then to go along with that (haven't worked out all of the specifics yet.) But instead of a full bar, because we can't afford that. We would have a specialty cocktail bar. We can create our own cocktails for the event or rename some standard ones. Then for a cocktail menu, we can have the ingredients listed out like item stats. The quest could also be a good way to make sure everyone knows what's going on when (I've been to plenty of weddings where people, or at least I, don't know what's going on next.)
I may need to mock a few of these things up and talk it through with a few people before I set my heart on it though. But all in all, it could be fun and has the potential to be classy.

Hi there; I'm ME.
After reading several posts today, I realized I too had not appropriately introduced myself.

Hi! My name in JohannaJoy. But I go by Van. (For family and people I've known my whole life, or at least since HS call me Johanna). Van is short for my last name. Current last name. *Squeee." I am currently unemployed and pretty much unemployable in our current local and situation. I do, however, have a degree in graphic design. I have been blogging since 2007, but when I realized no one really reads my blog, I kinda only post when I really have something specific to rant about, and I have the time to do it. I'm socially awkward and uber quirky. Usually I'm the odd one out in my family, and my "friends" (Those people whom I've spent time with, but never talk to me... Welcome to L.A. people) know me as being the sporadic nonsense driven, eclectic, crazy one. I don't know if any or all of those things are true, but it's better than being the lame one. I am a nerd enthusiast... I may need to explain this later.
My Fiance is my best friend, my soul-mate, if I were to believe in that, and all around favorite person in the world. Kevin. He's been married before (which I was once friends with both him and his ex-wife. No, I didn't break up their marriage) which sometimes bugs me, but only when he talks about it. He's a game-nerd and beer enthusiast. He's got personality up to whazoo, has amazing ideas, and truly loves me and understands me.
We have both known we wanted to get married since very early in our dating relationship (For him it may have been the day it started...He's said some things) For the past 7+months we've been talking about getting married but nothing has happened. When we first started talking about it, he said next June. So it's become and ongoing joke with us to say. "Wait; are you proposing?" then the other will get a happy derp face... Finally; we were in WI visiting my family and at my best friends wedding, and I asked him why we weren't engaged yet.(I didn't want to plan something until it was official because of my family and their noses getting stuck in my business all the time) So; long story shorter, we bought a ring and have set a date for 1 year after the "proposal" to the date. (I already wrote a blog post about the proposal and don't feel like rewriting it.)
More about us: I'm 26 and he just turned 30. We're planning to move out of Southern California back to the small town I grew up in, in Wisconsin and have the wedding there. Our colors are Sunflower Yellow, and Gray Scale with an accent of Deep Sea Blue (yellow and gray are my favorites). Our theme is called the 8 Bit Cocktail Party, which basically means the whole thing will be a cocktail party with a ceremony in the middle with a video game twist. I don't like real flowers because they die, so I'll be DIYing the floral arrangements. I don't like real diamonds and all that that imply's, so my current engagement ring is a $12.50 ring from the Icing in a setting I like, coated in clear nail polish so I don't get a green finger. I've decided that I NEED my 2 best friends in my wedding party. 1 gets me and keeps me calm, the other is an organizational freak, in a good way and understands that this will be my wedding. Which is good, because Kevin wants his Best friend and his brother. The only issue with that is; I'm not sure I have any other friends than that, so only family will attend the wedding, and my family is a giant mash up, hodgepodge of drudgery and whatnot. We play video games together. Last week we got our Alliance characters up to level 80 (Which is the last expansion I have). So we just made Horde and are working on getting them up there as well. I LOVE Minecraft, we have our own server. I like to think I have a little style. I enjoy retro styles from the 20s-early 60's but can't really take all the hippy stuff (mostly) even though my personal ideals are a bit more in line with that than not. Lastly; I'm a firm believe in Buying local. Supporting my local economy before anything, and then If I can be eco-conscious, Do IT!
I've rambled on now; Thanks for reading.

Just a few fears...
I realized the other day, at a Halloween party, (again) that I am extremely socially awkward. Which led me to thinking...
1) Nobody ever comes to my parties, why would anyone come to my wedding. For instance, my last birthday party, only 2 people came to. The first came incredibly early, I hadn't even gotten ready yet. The other came 3 hours late and stayed for half an hour.
2) When I'm around a lot of people I don't know at all, or don't know well, I shut down.
My fear now is that the only people who will come are going to be the Mr's guests. Then I'll shut down, maybe cry and little, and end up not enjoying myself at all.

He Finally talked to his parents and other things.
 Yay! So the Mr. finally spoke to his parents. Which was like pulling teeth for me. (I mean seriously; I spoke to both of my parents in person, and neither of them live close. We live in the other half of a duplex as his). Granted; I know that he didn't want to tell them because of how they would react. They know we're engaged, but he needed to tell them we're planning on getting married after we move to Wisconsin from California, so the wedding will NOT be here in SoCal. And Lo; they reacted just the way he expected them to. Super negatron. At least he's told them, and now they know, and the fretting over telling them is now over. So now I am just waiting for them to give me their quest list requests.

In other news, I've sent out thank you notes to everyone that's agreed to help me plan the wedding. I put together notes for the bridesmaids, both my parents, and my MOH's mother. I'm super excited about them. I made them look like a quest from WoW! and I aged the paper myself. I used regular printer paper, and envelopes I already had. The only thing I had to buy was the string that is my wedding colors and the postage, which was 5 stamps. I like it enough that I will most likely make all the rest of our stationary this way. I'll probably put together a tutorial when I make the next thing. Yay! So the Mr. finally spoke to his parents. Which was like pulling teeth for me. (I mean seriously; I spoke to both of my parents in person, and neither of them live close. We live in the other half of a duplex as his). Granted; I know that he didn't want to tell them because of how they would react. They know we're engaged, but he needed to tell them we're planning on getting married after we move to Wisconsin from California, so the wedding will NOT be here in SoCal. And Lo; they reacted just the way he expected them to. Super negatron. At least he's told them, and now they know, and the fretting over telling them is now over. So now I am just waiting for them to give me their quest list requests.
In other news, I've sent out thank you notes to everyone that's agreed to help me plan the wedding. I put together notes for the bridesmaids, both my parents, and my MOH's mother. I'm super excited about them. I made them look like a quest from WoW! and I aged the paper myself. I used regular printer paper, and envelopes I already had. The only thing I had to buy was the string that is my wedding colors and the postage, which was 5 stamps. I like it enough that I will most likely make all the rest of our stationary this way. I'll probably put together a tutorial when I make the next thing.

Moving 2,000 miles alone
I may have just realized why I'm in the funk that I'm in. It's something that I think I have known in the back of my mind for some time, and I just didn't want to accept as the best possible option for the Mr's and my current predicament. Let's take a step back a moment to help clarify...
We (FH and I) have been planning to move out of Southern California. We have also been planning to have our wedding in Wisconsin. Ergo; we're planning to move to Wisconsin. Not really brain surgery that. However, the getting there is proving a bit more elusive of a task. FH works Part-time Retail I have been out of work since March of this year. We need to save up enough money to relocate over 2,000 miles away. So that's the cost of a movie van/truck, 1st/last mo's rent on whatever we can find, plus other moving expenses. I have been looking for work for a long while here, but in this "Wonderful" economy; No such luck. So we're still living paycheck to paycheck and not making any headway, and at this rate; it won't be until after the wedding, and then some, before we can move... and that would be a step backwards in a way. SO! The only way I can see for us to get out there, is for me to go out there now, and for him to follow me when we have enough. I have family out there that I can stay with for a while. There are more opportunities out there to find work, and the cost of living is much much less (one reason for us wanting to move in the first place.) I have not been wanting this to be the choice, because I don't want to go alone. The amount of time that will be in between myself and FH coming out there is unknown. But we do have enough money right now for me to fly out there.
In a perfect world, this is how it would work: I book my flight for the week after Thanksgiving. Then; while we wait for me to go, We go through all of my stuff in storage and sort out what we will need for him to bring with him, and what we can get rid of. I will also start applying to jobs out there in the city where my aunt lives. Then; when I'm earning as much as FH is now, we can look into renting our own place and he would come out with our stuff.
...
But wait! My dad just called and had an idea. I can come ASAP. (My dad is there, but not an option to stay with) He will help me find a car and FH and I a place to stay. So we can find places to work at the same time. THEN; my mom can bring our stuff out to us. (My mom would much rather be out there, and takes any excuse to venture that way.) My dad says he'll ask around about places, jobs and vehicles. If we did it that way, we'd both be out there round about the same time. AND we would have Christmas in the SNOW!
But then I got off the phone and realized that my dad is always full of good ideas, and the reason my mom and I are back in CA is because he has almost zero follow through (BUT THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE). So back to my depressy idea of going alone. (FH and I have barely been apart more than a few days since October of last year, and not more than a day since probably March.
All this to say; it's really difficult to worry about all these things, and plan a wedding from 2,000 miles away with our present circumstances. If anyone has ideas I'm missing; I'd like to hear them.

A hold on planning and a checklist of things to do
We may have to put a hold on wedding planning. We've decided that I'm going (Moving 2,000 miles). But before I go there are some things that we have to get done. Some of these things we've already accomplished.
- Buy a plane ticket. I'd like to leave November 29th.
- Find a place to stay. I've called my aunt, and close friend to see if I can stay with them for a while. My dad is searching for apartments and rooms for rent for me as well.
- Design the wedding website. I won't really have time once I'm gone to work on designing the site, I will, however find time to update it. So I finished designing it this morning. It's not as fancy as any of those pre-made wedding website thingies, but I wanted it to match our stationary. The only way to accomplish that was to put it together myself.
- Re-pack all of my things from my last apartment and have them ready to move. We started this yesterday. We went through all of my kitchen and dinning room stuff, and were able to consolidate it all into One and a Half boxes by way of donation to both thrift stores and people we know. We still have the rest of my stuff and all of his stuff to go through. Luckily, most of my stuff was kitchen stuff and clothes.
- Pack. Since I'm going alone, and will be flying, I have to be able to consolidate my belongings into what I'll need only.
- Find a job. I need to earn as much as possible as soon as possible, so that FH can come be with me.
- Gather guest list requests from my mom and his parents.
I don't think I'm forgetting anything. :/

The Engagement of my lifetime!

I know I haven't posted in a while, and I know this because I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about my wedding! I haven't gushed, or (heads to the dictionary/thesaurus to find the right words) Blabbed, or Gibbered, or Jabbered, or Prattled, or Raved, or Spilled the Beans, or Squealed, or Talked Nonsensically about it at all yet here. As of September 28th, 2012, BF and I were officially engaged. We'd been discussing it for a long time and I finally asked him what we were waiting for. Neither of us could come up with a good enough reason for putting it off any longer, so we made a plan while we were in WI visiting. We went to the mall, stopped in at the Icing by Claire's and chose a style costume jewelery ring that we both like the looks of. We both knew it would be a temporary ring, but it didn't make sense to wait on getting engaged because of such materialistic trivialities. So he paid for it, ($12.50) unwrapped it, held it out to me in the middle of the mall and asked me if I'd like to marry him, and I said I would... yay! Then the process of enlightening the interested parties ensued and before we got back to my aunt's house, my phone died. Directly after that (meaning the next day) we drove down to Indiana to see some of his friends and the even was forgotten amongst them. But then we drove further into Indiana to visit some more of my family and the whole thing came back full force. My sister even took me to a full service wedding dress salon to look at dresses. Which, I found an amazing dress and was able to purchase it! Then we spent a few days in Florida as he took an intensive, then we drove all the way back to SoCal where I've been perusing wedding sites ever since, trying to narrow down all those things that I want in our wedding. Our original plan was to get married in June, because that's what we'd joked about when we first started talking about the wedding, but then we decided it would better suit us to have it later in the year. Our current (and hopefully permanent) date for our wedding will be September 28th, 2013. Somewhere in Wisconsin. That's all I know for certain besides who've I've already asked to be in it. So there's that. I am quite happy and will hopefully remember to keep everyone in the loop as I progress through this. Until next time, Good Night!

The Degree of Unnecessary

Mike Tracy - Former Ai Teacher

So I have been hearing some rather unpleasant things lately about the "college" I attended for my "degree" in Graphic Design. And I have to say: I'm not that surprised. Some other students have been speaking out against their system lately and that makes me smile. (More Links Links Links)

For me: After I was convinced that I should go to this school by some crafty salesmen, and told that my lack of funds wouldn't ever become an issue, I enrolled. I made it far enough in my program to realize that the major I'd chosen wasn't what I'd wanted at all. The Multi-Media program I'd chosen turned out to be a web-design based curriculum with very little to hardly any video production involved. So I changed majors (to something "good enough") under the continued assumption that I wouldn't lose out on anything. In the long run though, the school continued to mess up my classes, schedules, and credits from that point on. For instance; I was enrolled in a class, finished the quarter and found out the last day that I was no longer enrolled in that class. (The staff had put me in that class themselves, I did not enroll personally). Turned out I was required to take another class, then retake that first class and not receive any credit for being there at 7:30am every week for Eleven weeks straight. I was displeased but I soldiered on.

I did enjoy and respect a handful of my teachers there. I did learn a lot from them. But near the end; the forces that were, were making the "don't worry about the money" fairy disappear. I was so close to the end, and I'd been promised so much. I couldn't give up having received nothing... To make a long story a bit shorter; When I graduated I was unable to find work, and six months after I finished; the school refused to continue to help me. Not that they were much help prior to that. So here I am; a college graduate with thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt, with a piece of paper (actually; they never sent me my diploma, so without a piece of paper and no way to pay dear old Sallie Mae.

In hindsight, if I could have taken maybe a max of 10 of those classes with those teachers, and only those; I'd be well off and know that helpful information I know now. But I'd still be in an industry I didn't care for in the first place. In other words: I just wish someone had warned me before I dove headfirst into this mess called the Art-Institute. 

Motivating a Motivator

I don't know if anyone has to deal with this, the way that I do, but I'm sure other people have to deal with motivation. They say that humans are creatures of habit, but I don't think that's entirely accurate. There are some who say that if you do something long enough, "routinely," it will become second nature and habit forming. They say if you do something for three weeks, or for a few months. But for me, I have to force myself to do things everyday. I still have to talk myself into brushing my teeth. Which, I do, every day. Starting this spring, I was going swimming every day. And every day, I'd get ready and get out there, and then; standing at the edge of the pool, I'd have to hype myself up to jumping in. This started back in April, it's now July, and I still have to talk myself into jumping in. Last year, I put myself on a strict exercise regime, and I did it from May until September. That whole time, I had to talk myself into it every day. Yes, some days were easier than others, but as soon as life got stressful, I was unmotivated to motivate myself to keep trying. As some know; I'm trying again with the exercise thing. Since my circumstances of living are significantly different now, It's much more difficult to actually Do what I think I should and to stay on track. In other words, this time around; my self conscious self gets in the way. Though I recognize this, that doesn't make it any less difficult on a daily basis. I'm also not receiving any outside motivation either, actually; at times, it's quite the opposite. That's actually part of the reason for me making my healthyvan.blogspot.com blog. Also the reason for the 10 day check-in videos on my Ceeyena account on Youtube. It's also the reason I'm putting actual photos up of me in all my fatness as well. I'm trying to trick myself into being motivated and just do it. Hasn't really worked yet though. 
However, I have assumed the role of the motivator for Mr. Peanut. I can figure out the right, true, things to say when he needs it. Most days it's easy for me to motivate someone else, especially if I believe in them. Maybe that's the issue, right there... I don't believe in me. 

I Sleep with Spiders Bro

I am considering revamping the Look and feel of this here blog. Not sure if I'll go through with it. But it does "need" to be done. Some other things that need to be done; I need to screen those shirts for Client #1, and I need to deep clean the bedroom. There are spiders under my bed. BF likes to put the pillows on the ground next to the bed when he goes to sleep. Ergo; when I make the bed, there are now spiders ON the bed. This is definitely not good. What I'd like to do is get in there and take everything out and then vacuum  and mop and sweep and dust and all that jazz and then reorganize all the stuff, but the room is too small for that, and I'm not feeling dedicated enough to start a task like that, one which requires it all to get done in one day; or else I WILL go crazy. And I kind of like my sanity... The little bit of it I have left. 
And Now I'm just going to say this; Some people make me uncomfortable. Why the SamHill would a damn "Bro" try and hit on me?! My BF is the fourth wheel to this tiny party. It must be my mesmerizing Double D's.

Drunk and Unclean

I rarely do this anymore; and the thought just occurred to me; if for no other reason than this, one shouldn't drink until they're drunk... Hygiene. There is no drunk person (that I've ever come in contact with) who is passing out, falling over, stupid drunk who says; "Hey guys, wait a minute, I need to wash up before going to bed." No! They just plop. Depending on the level of drunk, they may consider this as an option. But if they are wholly drunk; ain't gonna happen. Personally I hate the feeling of waking up in an aura of funk. Besides the funk of your body, stomach, and head disagreeing with the amount of alcohol you consumed the previous night. The added funk of fuzzy teeth and unwashed face is enough to send a person to the porcelain god and regret their actions. Then again; that may only be if you think about it too much. Either way the unclean feeling probably contributes to, what we call, the hangover.

Creating Characters Based on Pictures

Sometimes I have great ideas. Sometimes I just feel like being creative, but cannot find an outlet. Sometimes, I have no idea how to motivate myself to do/be what I would like to. Sometimes I wonder why I can't sleep, if I'm not going to be able to be productive if I stay awake. So I'm going to try and put this insomnia to use right now. It is after 2am, and I'm going to put together a character. I've decided to form/mold/create a character for an RP I'm going to be a part of. However, I don't even know where to start. Developing their personality takes time and precision, and you have to know where you're going before you start off with these sorts of things, or your character will change part of the way through and everyone will be like: who is this?! Generally, for these sorts of characters, I first find an image to stem my inspiration from. Most RP's I've been a part of have called for an appearance, and a photo/drawing/image of some sort is the easiest way to go about this. I have, on a number of occasions found an image via Google Search and photo-shopped it to look just right. Why? Because while I'm looking at images, I'm ruling out some and considering others, so before an image is even found, the character is being developed. Then you need to find a personality that exudes those traits you've now founded in your head and then combine the two and create something fantastic... or not so fantastic; however you're inclined. After all of this though, a name needs to be chosen. I like to give my names meaning, or choose names with meaning rather, but then the names of all of my characters turn out sounding foreign or old or just plain strange. But then again, I don't really care for everyday names... not that they're bad, I just don't want my characters named them... Unless of course, everyday is what we're going for. After we have a name we actually develop their personality through either a personality section or a biography section, or both. Yes, these are both usually rather short, I don't think I've every written more than a paragraph for each. But because they're so short, each word that goes into it, must have meaning and, for me at least, the ideas presented have so much more background implied in them than is needed to be said. The worst thing about this process is: You put all of this time and energy into creating your perfect character for the given plot and then you have to wait until you can use it. Worst case scenario; the RP's never started and your character lingers in a feed to get passed over until it's forgotten and never used. To avoid this; I save all of my characters for future use. This has come in handy a time or two. I'm sure the characters appreciate it. 

Choosing a Dream

Recently, in one of my more vegetative states, I found myself perusing Netflix in an attempt to entertain myself. What I stumbled upon that day; still has me thinking, nay; it has me pining for dance once again. The Australian TV show Dance Academy is the only thing that caught my attention that day; so I proceeded to watch 12 episodes in a row. It made me remember all those feelings I had towards dance and ballet, and had me questioning why I stopped. I can't for the life of me come up with a good enough reason why I would have. Only reasons that are blaming others for my own misfortunes. Granted; they were legitimate reasons. But if I had wanted to dance as much as I thought I did; those reasons wouldn't have prevented me from finding a way to do it. So what was the actual cause of the discontinuation of my passion? Probably the same reason that plagues me to this day to make anything of myself or keeps me from obtaining any sort of passion. I simply don't believe in myself. I don't actually think I'm capable of being good enough at something to pursue it fervently. The deep and foreboding feeling that no one will think I'm good enough, or that I simply won't be more than mediocre circumvents the desire to want to accomplish. The hope that is fueled by the passion is squashed my by low self esteem and those who would see me fail. So in the end it is ultimately my own fault. No matter what anyone said to me so that I didn't feel good enough, worthy enough, or special enough; I didn't pursue it. I let their words get to me, and now only I have nothing to show for it. 
So perhaps now, the recognition of this, today, will help me to change? What I can do today is choose to be better than someone else may think I am. And if anyone says that I can't (Even me) The first thing out of my mouth should be "Why not?"

Marvel-ously Addicting Game

I'm not actually a fan of wasting time. I do appreciate the enjoyment of time. However, I do find myself continually back at the wasting bit. It's probably a good thing that my newest time waster was designed to be child friendly, and in being so; only has so much available for the obsessive time-wasters personality. On the Marvel Super Hero Squad, the most I can do is visit each of the 4 zones, and do each daily mission, as each of my current 5 characters. You may be thinking; that's plenty of time being wasted. But let me assure you: It could most definitely be more than that. My next goal is to gain a 6th member of my squad. And this is no small task. As far as I can see; the only way to gain more members is to buy them. And the only ways to buy them is to win enough gold on the wheel, or spend enough silver. And my daily wheel has already rendered me all the gold I can get, as well as some extra silver. The only way to spin this wheel is to spend tickets, and you get tickets from dealing with the antagonists in each of the four zones... I HAVE HUNDREDS of Tickets!!! And then you collect those translucent white stars, and 10 of those white stars earns you one more silver. The issue here is the bad guys and the white stars return so frequently that it's neigh impossible to pass something up. "OH! Just one more flame guy." "Just one more bubblegum machine." "Just one more UFO." Do you see how this could drag on? 
Now we come to the point. I will eventually get board of doing this. With only 2 different missions, to play only 2 different ways (without friends online) there is a limit to how many times you want to repeat the same old same old. So: I've logged off for today. But I will most definitely be back at it again tomorrow. Why? because there's a daily mission that changes every day. That daily mission, as well as finding specific daily things for each character in each zone has me hooked. MY GOSH! it's only day 2. 

Butter Flavored Oatmeal

Why is it that the 'weight control' oatmeal from Quaker tastes like butter? I picked up, and ultimately purchased this specific variety pack because of the flavors on it. I wanted Banana Bread flavored oatmeal. Is that too much to ask? I wonder if they made them taste like butter to give those people who would normally add a pound of butter to their oatmeal the kicks they were looking for, without the guilt of a pound of butter. Then again, maybe it's just gross. But seriously; I now have a box of oatmeal that I'm disinclined to eat because I don't want a bowl full of butter flavored mush oats. I will probably end up eating it... maybe add some fruit to it or something. Good thing it keeps... I will NOT be partaking any time soon. 

Mac'n'"ChiliDog"Cheese

I know that I've been trying to be healthier and that some food choices may need to be denied for that purpose, however; I am certain that had I missed this; I would not be in the elated mood that I find myself in. This! This, is amazing... Yesterday, Puddle made some chili, which was really good. Perhaps you saw the blog; Mr. Peanut and I grilling up some hot dogs, which we topped with the delicious chili. While we were doing this; Mr. Peanut and I were joking around and came up with Mac'n'ChiliCheese Dog or ChiliCheeseDog Mac... So today, when Mr. Peanut made us Mac'n'Cheese with Hot Dogs and spinach, I thought of it again. Now it's about dinner time and I am combining these two great delicacies and have Mac'n'ChiliDogCheese. Tadah!!!! And I must say; It is so very tasty.  Just enough of this and bit of that. And it wasn't hard to make. Equal parts of the chili and the mac'n'cheese, 'tis tantalizing my taste buds. Nom nom nom. That is all for now... after Dinner; I'm going to figure out my screen printer. Yay!

Itsy bitsy lunch time special

I don't know if the old wives tale is true or not, if it is in fact, just an old wives tale, but this post is being written in that delicate time frame between eating and swimming. I'm not really concerned about the wisdom being truthful or not. I just determined that now was a great time to write a blog. Besides; if it is true... I'd like to choose the healthier option. Don't want all that previous healthy to go to waste. Fish, asparagus, and yellow squash at least seem healthy to me anyway. This choice for staying away from the pool may also be accompanied by the fact that today's bathing suit choice is a bit teeny weenier than I would have desired. Alas; I am doing laundry and the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini is the only one left to wear, that technically fits. Yes, it is my size. But it's a very small swimming suit and not one I'd desire to be seen in public in. I know the pool is only in the back, and it's the middle of a weekday. But still... one can't be too careful. Maybe the trees are spies and wish to humiliate me in the midst of my sunbathing splendor. Yet; I still do plan to go out and swim. And whilst I dry off, perhaps I can finish the last 5 chapters and Epilogue of the book I'm reading. Then perhaps, I will also be able to review it in it's entirety today on Literary Van. That would be good. This would also invite me to start reading the second book in the King Raven Trilogy; Scarlet. Plus... Avalon is a great book so far, and I cannot fathom how he's going to wrap everything up in the last few chapters, being as it stands now. Eeek! So Exciting!!! Okay, enough of this, time to step out of the locker, I'm headed to the pool.

Moore or Les I'm not a Morning Person

This morning I was Soooooooooooooooooo tired. But Mr. Peanut had to get up at 6:30, so we both did. We may have been slow to start, but we did start, and shortly into our morning, we were participating with full enthusiasm. Yay us! I am considering keeping track of measurements to see if this early exercise thing works like the poster said it would... but then again; I don't want to work myself up and then get disappointed if it doesn't. Perhaps it should be enough to know that it's the healthy choice. 
Speaking of choices; Today I choose to be productive. However, my productivity, in part, depends on others... so said productivity has halted for the time being. Although; I did choose to write a blog whilst I wait on them to do their part. I will also post anther entry into "Les & Moore" which, for some reason, I have not been posting online, even though I do have pages written out on paper. Then again, I will run out of pages to type if I don't also add to the written pages too. I am mostly just stuck on where to take it. And I can't get feedback from readers, One) because I am not sure there are readers, and Two) If I haven't typed up to where we are, how can they say where to go from there? As we can see: I've fallen behind. I did have an idea though. Yesterday I thought about illustrating a few parts of what's already written, maybe add some pictures to the blog site. I also considered, along this same line of thought: Perhaps I could illustrate and read aloud the story at intervals then post them as well... Do an audio/visual thing. Kinda like those shows that I rarely watched when I was a kid. An illustrator would illustrate a story as they read it aloud. I liked it when they did all the voices. I think it would be best to have more of the story down before I went that far though. I'd also have to design the characters look. Any input on that end (or any that I've discussed) would be much appreciated. 

Morning Tones Set the Days Tune

I am in a great mood. I have woken up for the past few mornings in a fantastic mood. Mr. Peanut and I have started new morning routines that help to set the tone for our entire days. And so far, it Has worked. Granted; it's only been a few days, but... just saying. Part of this morning routine is declaring our intentions for the day and for how we want to feel or what we want to accomplish and setting it in our minds to make it happen. Another aspect of our mornings also now includes exercise. Not alot, we don't always have the time to dedicate to a full workout, but doing something (at least something) is important. Just a short exercise regime. I actually found the short list of things that we do on pintrest, which; I know, I know; I said I didn't like pintrests... I still don't like it when my facebook wall is inundated with "pins" from one person and I'm all... Good Grief, I Don't Give a Rip!!! but that's a discussion for another time. 
After setting this spectacular tone for the day, we are then ready to attack anything. I am getting LOTS of work done and am determined  to actually make a dent in my to-do list that I've mentally prepared for my day... Because (not only because, but it helps) we also have a short nightly routine too. We list off at least 5 success for the day. When I was kid, mom had us say something we were thankful for before going to bed each night when we said our prayers. It's not a bad habit to get into. Like in White Christmas when Bing Crosby sings about Counting your Blessings instead of Sheep to fall asleep. You should try it. Positive attitude, positive reinforcement, positive outlook. Out with the Negativity... Ha! It's not easy. I myself am a natural pessimist and see the negative in everything, but for years I have been trying to be the "Optimistic Pessimist" and I LOOK for that silver lining. The constant positivity on the regular helps. 

Sharing Holidays and Occasions

Once again, it is my birthday month, and said birthday is only a few days away now. And I, once again, am trying to not build myself up to let myself down. However; like always, I am not quite succeeding. I have imparted to Mr. Peanut, exactly how important this occasion is, and he is attempting to get the day off of work so that he can make it as special as possible. This brings us to the issue of his employers. We won't know until this evening if he'll be able to spend any time with me or not. Seeing as the big day is on Monday and today is Saturday, this simple fact has made it Nigh impossible to plan anything. Thus injuring my psyche and disappointing me before the fact. I have tried to busy myself with other things to think about, to no avail. For; they all lead back to this one specific conundrum. For instance: I have been in search of the proper attire for the  events unplanned. This has proved most difficult, due entirely to the fact that the events are unplanned, and cannot be planned until we have his schedule. Not only is this difficult; it is downright unnerving. I spent an entire day looking for something that I couldn't put my finger on. I can't even describe what it is I am looking for because I don't know the purpose yet for which I need it. I am now out of time to purchase something that is unknown. I am also unable to create that thing because I have no inkling to what it should look like in the least. Even if the day gets planned this evening for Monday, I will still be unable to procure the proper attire before the date in question. Sunday is out, and Monday is not only the day of, but also a National holiday. Thus making the entire previous weekend difficult in the very least. 
Which brings me to another point. I am all for Memorial Day being a wonderful and Thanks filled occasion, but it is again, exceedingly difficult to find appreciation for someone else when one feels so severely under appreciated. A feeling that does come, more often than not, with this most important day of the year. Happy Friggin Birthday to me. 

This is Only a Test.

This linking Ad space to my account is terrible because I forgot what email I used to sign up for the ads and it didn't match what I'm signed into here with... So I get a default split personality. Therefore; this post is now a test, a scientific experiment, so to speak. Let's see how it goes.

Lyrics on the edge of consciousness.

I usually wake up with a song in my head, unless of course I woke straight from a dream. If this happens, a song usually comes to me from nowhere shortly thereafter. The song I wake up thinking has a tendency to set the tone for the whole day in at least one way, shape, or form. This may be why I don't like waking up to the radio, at least the radio that someone else turned on. I don't want the first words resonating in my head each day to have been chosen by someone else. The whole ordeal puts me in a foul mood most of the time. Now; there are instances where the song playing at that moment of coming back to consciousness is welcome and a wonderful addition to my morning routine. But more often then not; the sounds make me scowl. 
Recently I've been waking up with the same song in my head, and it makes me smile. "It's a great day to be alive." Now, I don't usually have an entire song in my head and it's not always the main chorus. Sometimes it's a part of a line from a verse that doesn't always stick out to everyone when they think of that song. On occasion, it even takes me a little while to figure out what song my thoughts are from. Today the lyrics were from a Shakira song, and not the chorus of it either. I'm excited, now that I've realized I hear these songs and they affect the flow of my day, to hear the new song everyday. And if it's not a positive song, I can choose to change my mindset. I can choose to let the song have sway or not. 
In other news: Mr. Peanut and I are making headway on our business ideas and will be starting within the next few days with content. More to come on that in the future. Thanks for stopping by. 

Short Stories are Tall Tales

I've been writing a page by page story, and today; I was indirectly told that no one was interested in ever reading it. Indirectly have you, and that may not actually be what they meant, but that is how I heard it, and they're probably right, if that is what they meant. And that kinda kills my steam to keep writing in it. However, I started writing it, to pass time at work when there's nothing I can do. I have been getting severe headaches and back pain recently, tied to the stress at work, so that limits what I can do. Which leaves me sitting in the office a whole lot. And, I am very proficient with my tasking that I've made it so I have very little actual work to do in the office. And that little work I do have to do, is self updating to a point, so that limits what I have to do even further. Mostly, I update things in about 5 minutes and then fix my assistants mistakes and then pretend to work for the rest of the day, or until actual work comes along. But; have no fear, there are only 46 days left here at this job. This also means I am having to move and find new work. My mother does not want me to move in with Mr. Peanut, however, Mr. Peanut lives much closer to the design world than she does. It simply would not make sense for me to relocate to Riverdonkey when I hope to work in the design word, which is in LA and OC. And not even all OC, just the more populous areas... meaning; not North Orange County. But North OC is better than Riverdonkey, and if I felt there was a better, more viable option, I would seriously consider it. But; since I don't have a job yet, it makes sense to be closer to wear the jobs are. And that's another thing; I am virtually helpless to find a new job. I have next to ZERO industry experience. And I don't have the programs right now to hone my skills. Plus; no one wants to hire someone who would be happy doing Photoshop touch-ups all day. Even if that is what the job is. I dunno. This whole thing is bunk. I wish I was qualified for other things. Or something. Maybe if I could just sing. I would like that. But I don't know how to do that either. I only know that I like to sing, and the only opportunities I have to sing are at Karaoke bars and things like that. So I take those opportunities. But what else? 

Good Service DOES Exist

So; my laptop died. I lost pretty much all of my documents. But I got a new laptop, there were display models on sale and the OfficeMax team was great. On Sunday, my car died. I had to purchase a new battery and starter and get them installed, but the AAA guy and the PepBoys guys were all great, and friendly. I had an interview, I have no idea how it went, the interviewer seemed more nervous than I did. Afterwords, Mr. Peanut and I went to Chili's and our server was spectacular, knowledgeable and friendly. I am going to say; despite the circumstances and all the chaos going on in my life right now; I have (so far) had a great customer service week. Thank you all you GREAT Customer Service Representatives out there, I appreciate you. 

A New Path To Take

Do you know how it feels to know that you're letting someone down? Even before you've told them, or they find out about what you've done? Even before you do it? That's where I'm at. Not that what that person believes should be done is right, but you still don't want to disappoint them. What they think, feel and believe; matters, but you just cannot appease them this time. And this time, out of everything, may be so big that their opinion of you as a person may change... knowing that the dynamics of your relationship are about it change is hard. Especially when you have NO idea how much they are bound to change. And then there's the waiting to find out how they're going to change. waiting to see how that person will receive and react to the news that may shatter your relationship. How will the dynamics between you change? There's a lingering fear and dread there. The aura of the unknown and mounds of uncertainty. It's kinda stressful just thinking about it. People always tell you, it'll be alright, or if it's a strong bond, everything will work out... But things change. Even if it's the strongest bond, some things just can't stay the same. I'm just afraid of how it'll change. I'm not going to try and stop the change. But I'm not going to encourage it either.
On the other end of the spectrum. I feel confident that I am making a good choice, and I do not feel that any amount of reasoning or persuasion will sway me from my choice. Living with a bowling ball in your brain for several months is bound to break a person down, so I am removing myself from said bowling ball situation and choosing something else. I have found the one I believe to be the love of my life, and I am excited to start builiding our life togehter away from the unruly stress that is my current job. I do not know exactly what the future holds for us. I do know the ground is shaky when you're poised at the end of a needle, but together, we can balance out our platform by working together. I love you Mr. Peanut. SWTOR and all. 

Dormant Energy

Yay Energy! I can't sleep. It's not that I can't sleep because I have energy. No. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about what's going to happen over the next several weeks. I have energy because I have hope that I don't need to be here anymore. I have decided that my miserable self cannot work this job. You don't know it, because for the duration of my terrible job experience here, thus far; I have not been in this blog much, nor talking about said job experience. It basically breaks down to a few key points. 1) My assistant Manager is useless. 2) My boss does nothing about the terrible uselessness (and counter-productiveness) that is my assistant manager, though things should have been done a LONG time ago. 3) I am the face of a company I'm growing to not care about because of reasons 1, 2, and 4. 4) I have too much responsibility and not enough power. Over the next several weeks, I may get into that deeper, because it is weighing heavily on me. It is also the main reason I am losing my sanity. But I have hope that it won't be happening much longer. I have fear of what will happen until that time frame is up, and what happens after it. 
I am very glad to be regaining sanity. But will I be losing a different part of sanity? Will I still be me at the end of this? Will this be the biggest mistake of my life? Will he still love me when he has to deal with me ALL the time? Will family still accept me after I make this choice? Is this dumb? Can I do it? Will I find other work? What do I do with all of my stuff? How do I tell MY family? Will the roomie see why I need to do this, and forgive me for not sticking to her side? Will I get stuck? Will a rut seize me and i'll just turn into a bump on a log and never attain any type of goal at all? Am I driving myself mad? Am I making a mistake? 
It would be a bigger mistake to stay.

You are what you eat? Oh, boy...

Actually; I don't have anything specific to talk about. Mr. Peanut is sleeping, and I can't sleep yet. So I'm laptopping it up in bed... whooooooo... I could talk about how I sometimes think I look like a sexy beast and then I don't. But I was not feeling it tonight. Then I saw my reflection... I'm all "Dang Girl, you's a sexy beast." in my head. Out loud, I just giggled and remarked on it when I returned from the bathroom. That's actually it for now... I have a feeling I'm going to be rather "secretive" on this blog for a while. That may change. But I don't want to spill just yet, everything. No funny business, just stuff. 

Just Gotta Do.

Look at all the things I miss when I go away for a long while. Everything looks different. Almost everything is different. Besides the fact, that I hate my job and would like to still live in a van down by the river... pretty much everything has changed. The layout for posting has most certainly changed... I haven't even looked at what I need to do to post this yet. It's a new year! My Bestie is getting married. (To a douche... ok, maybe not a douche, but I'm not happy with him.) My other Bestie has relocated to my neck of the woods and started life at my humble abode. AND; I have a Mr. Peanut! I don't think the world is ready for the cheese that is the love between us. That or I just don't know how to describe what I want to say. But I did not come here today to talk about him, or us. But I do want to say this! Tomorrow is our 3 monthiversary, and it has been wonderful. I think I actually came back here today, just so I could start coming back here. There's got to be a first, it's gotta start somewhere, so sometimes, you just have to power through and eat the first bite, or take that first step. Just Got To Do. 'Cus if you don't just start, then you can keep putting it off, and you'll never start. And I don't want to stay away from the blog anymore. I'm not saying that I'm coming back and it's going to be the same as it was. I'm not saying that it's going to last forever. I am definitely not saying this is a one time re-return, or the format is going to change. I'm saying this is my first step and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know I would like to put my thoughts out there again.