In the fairy tale;

She loves him forever, and he never knows. In the end of the story; He realizes he loves her too, and they ‘live happily ever after’. But that doesn’t happen in real life. In real life; He never sees her that way. And she is forced to move on. He is what he is, there is no changing that. If by some miraculous happening he does decide he wants her in return. It will only result in the inevitable unhappiness of both parties; Making each other miserable until they either give up, or die. That is how that story goes. So her love is misplaced, and she should just move on. But she still loves. He will never love her, because he ‘loves’ someone else. And her heart breaks thinking about it. Why does she still love him? Her life is better and more fulfilling without him. But women don’t make sense. Reasoning has little to do with love. Unconditional love in this respect is harmful. Not helpful to the lover. But no one wants to hear that story. People won’t pay money for an unhappy ending. Unless we as a people could see the silver lining. Her life is better without him. He didn’t even know she loved him. So he’s better off for not knowing. But even in moving on, she’s not truly moving on. In the back of her mind, she knows she’d run to him in an instant. She would be his if only he would ask. She fears she’d give up everything good for him. She would give up happiness to miserable with him. This isn’t merely speculation. She is truly fearful that it is fact. No matter how far she thinks she’s moved on. A mere mention of his name, she’s fawning again. She is stuck back again with her obsession. Her addiction ebbs at her. Her heart breaks again. But she holds it in, so no one knows how bad she’s got it. She tries to keep it to herself because she knows it’s wrong. It’s unhelpful, unhealthy. So she removes him. And he pops in again. Starting the vicious cycle over again. She will never be free, until she can find a way to move on for real.

The Mourning Means to Me.

Mourning the losses of what I don’t understand.

Why do I crumble when he just moves his hand?

A catapult of lies,

A tangle he weaves.

A breath of his air,

I drop to my knees.

The breaking of hearts so easily done,

Snap back to the past, where this ache does come from.

The kissing of words,

Chills up my spine,

Another night restless,

As he plays with my mind.

Cry out of the joy past the pain and the torment.

Remember the mourning for all that it meant.

I love ending with a call to Action!

I just saw pure awesomeness. And NO ONE is going to get it. That is what the Anglo’s did to the indigenous people of Africa. That’s what the Spanish did to the Native Americans. That’s what the Egyptians did to the Jews. The Romans did it to the Christians. Even the Nazi’s did it to the Jews. People taking over because the other has what they want, and/or they just don’t understand because the other is different. Uuuuugh! That makes me so mad. It makes me mad, not only because it continues to happen, but also because Hollywood feels the need to glamorize it over and over again. And NO ONE sees it. It breaks my heart. How can one people go in and say ‘I am better than you, so I am taking this because I said so.’ This movie kept bringing me back to Pocahontas. ‘You think the only people who are people, Are the people who look and think like you…’ exactly. Now this film was great for many reasons. The poignant details that were brought to light were thought provoking.

Cowboys and Indians!

Another point I was making here… the stab at modern day morality. This stab was a little more subtle. Not as much, hey you people don’t care, as much as, if you think about this, you might get it. The entire film was full of; you need to trust, and fight for the ONE you love… it will bind once for life. You can’t just keep binding and binding to everyone and anyone. We were meant to be monogamous. Be bound once in life. Now, I’m not saying that if you’ve screwed up, you are damned for all eternity and you need to become a nun/monk/whatever. What I’m saying is we were designed to be bound to one. Like in the film, with all of the creatures.

Now, I know that I’m typing this at 1:30 in the morning. And I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post this. However, what I am saying is close to my heart and needs to be said. What distressed me about the film is this; No one will see the direct similarities to reality as I do. Few will understand the struggle between the peoples in the film and our own histories. And our histories have a tendency to repeat themselves, for the simple fact that people don’t pay attention, and don’t care enough to try and change. Knowledge is Power. Do you have what it takes to grasp that knowledge to hold the power?

Happy Christmas Mexican Family

Christmas is...

I can't really answer that in a single statement. It changes every year. And it's been destroyed over time. People talk about keeping the meaning in the season, but that being an actuality is very hard to come by. Here's this: if you are expected to give something because someone else gave to you. and you're not wanting to get the bad end. You're just keeping up with the Jones' and you're not giving from your heart, and therefore not giving for the right reasons. It's no longer selfless though. So; my Selfish act for the season is to not give anything without meaning it. I also don't expect to receive anything. My mom said I shouldn't give up cold Turkey. But I've been thinking about this for a while. I have decided that If I choose to give at any time throughout the year... I will. And whomever I want to give to should be gracious and accept it. I don't like it when people don't accept what I offer. So if I'm offered something, I always accept. Almost always. I think I got off topic once again.

This Christmas, I'm trying to be 'in the spirit' for everyone's sake. But with Grandma being so ill and frail and old looking, and Muncle's hypochondria breeding with the facts of his illness... it's feeling a little dreary. So I'm here in the kitchen alone, blogging. At least I have a boyfriend at Christmas. That's a welcome first. There's not really much else I can do but sit for now. I could read my book. Or talk some more with the dreary overreacting Deb. I love my family. But We're all crazy. Not they're reading over my shoulder. Gahhhh!

Unsettled about being Unsure

Do you ever have that feeling that you know something's supposed to get done, but you're not sure what? Or you know you're supposed to do something? Or something is a little off? I'm kinda feeling that way right now. I think it's because I'm supposed to do something next time I'm online, and here I am, and I don't have any idea what that something may be. If anything at all.

How the mind doth wonder.

There is a school of thought that says I am just a crazy girl with no clue. But that school is wrong. I have a clue. I just don't know what to do with it.

I don't really know what it is I'm hoping will happen. I need a job. Not just need; NEED a job. Some sort of income. But I'm not wanting to 'sell out'. I'll take something working with design, art, music, books, or items made in the USA. But I can't do just any retail for money because of my conflict of interest. Poopy. I want a real job. But I'm soooo unqualified, and un-confident. I'd even do bartending. I mean; I did take that class. But I'm not outgoing enough to look for a job on my onesies. I could be outgoing, when I know what it is that is expected of me. I don't want a nothing job again. I want something I enjoy, or at least has some sort of purpose. Music is good. I have no idea. I could get by with a little help from my friends, but this is SoCal, and connections into anything aren't easily made. Chit! How my mind does wander... I hope it comes back soon. Helps me out. relieves me of this stressful circle of what to do's. How to be's. What am I thinking's. I don't think I'll ever be motivated enough to make my dreams a reality, because I don't have a concrete vision of what they are. I mean, my dreams I have when I sleep are more vivid than my life's at times. That is surely not helpful in the least. Plus, I just don't know how it's going to work out. At All.

Duck Dance Deal Breaker

So, I'm coming back to SoCal, and I'm now part of the school of thought that says that those who 'should' care, Don't. The people whose 'call' it is to love one another, don't give a flying F-bomb what the halibut I do, say, or am. Yes, they're only human. But they aggravated me. I'm so sick and tired of putting myself out there to be drop kicked back into the secular community because 'they' don't understand me. UUUuuugh!

Dear God, why are your people so dumb?

and then there's me. Full of hypocrisy. and shallow standards. Perfection is not so perfect. I have no idea anymore. I've been ruined. Crap! Bag! Dang! Nabit! Exactly.

Word Vomit onto an empty screen

What I'm going for right now is just thought vomit, so bear with me.

Should I stay or should I go now? I think that I could stay there. But then What am I doing with SoulShoes? I don't think I'll be able to find work in my field either here or there. My portfolio sucks... So bad! I'm not really qualified for anything. I can't even get a job in a bar. I'm so lame. I have that stupid bar tending class under my belt, but even the job placement people don't want to help me out. I want to Make RMI a real reality, but I've no gumption. And I'm full of fear. What do I do about Latin Steve Ruiz? If I go tomorrow, that'll be awkward. I'm missing the DM Christmas Party because the Caddy's being ornery. She won't start. I still think I should give her a name. But I can't think of a good enough one. A name worthy of the Caddy. And if I do come back here, I'd need a car, and a place to live and a job. If I stay there, I'd need a car, and a job, and a place to live. Same either way. I have good Non-christian friends there. and I have good non-christian friends here. And why did Moose re-request me as a friend? That means he was looking for me to realize that we weren't anymore. What is that about? I was thinking we were good with not being friends... I don't really want to deal with all that again. Even if I still think of him as a friend. And What is with SallieMae? I don't have enough money. I don't/didn't make enough money to live and pay them. and they don't seem to communicate with each other. asking for money on top of money on top of money, even though I already paid them. 187 days are not in two weeks. I could work in a library. I've always wanted to do that. But I'm probably not qualified for that either. I just want to be able to get by. Make the world a better place. Sing. Create. Gah! ... My arms hurt. It's cold. I finally have a bestie that thinks the same of me. And now I'm leaving. I'm seeing this really really great guy.... humpf!

Little known fact about me; I've never really thought/dreamed about my wedding. Yes, I've stated that before. and that's not the little known fact. The facts are; I've always thought I would just be best friends with someone, and we'd end up getting married. I would essentially marry my best friend. In Vegas. Yes, Vegas. Or something similar. Elopement I guess. But then I start thinking about ceremony's and it gets so convoluted, who would I invite, who would I tell? Where? Why? what would I wear? It gets to be too much that doesn't matter yet because it's not happening, and I shut down. Whatever.

Chew on that for a while. I've run out of words in my head. It's just going round and round... I'm sure there's more, but it's nothing pertaining to anything. Not that anything I say here really adds up to anything in the grand scheme of things.

A little bit of nothing.

I hate being confused. And if you know what's been happening, you know that I've been confused a lot lately. I thought the extreme confusion was over. and it was mostly. But now I'm dealing with new confusion. actually, it's old confusion. just again. But I don't want to dwell on that anymore. it's just a lot of me asking why? stupid moose.

ON another note; I need to find a job ASAP. And a car. And then what do I do about this 'relationship'? And I hate SallieMea. That's a side note though. My stomach hurts. Boys confuse me. I need a name for my ExBoyfriend. Poophead? no?

White t-shirt, Purple lace.

I was going to write about how it's a bad idea to make decisions when you've had alcohol and you're in certain types of moods. But then, I decided not to. I wrote out a scene describing an instance that would never happen too. But That's mine, and only mine. I then decided I should try and sober up, and make better decisions. Yep. I should. So; I didn't post the story/scene. It wasn't well written anyway. I'd be embarrassed by it tomorrow. I might be embarrassed by a few other things tomorrow too, but those things aren't detrimental to my well being. At least I think not. Unless, something goes horribly wrong. In which case I'd then be caught out in the cold. I'm good though, I can handle this. As long as no one does something unexpected. This is so vague and can be construed as misleading. I promise: this is nothing bad. Just personal.

Choosing the Choices that we Chose.

Have you ever felt like you made the wrong right choice? That what you decided could have been a little bit better? Not that what you did choose was entirely wrong. But that it's simply different. That no matter what you chose, It would have been alright? Has it ever happened that you feel apprehension after you felt so sure? I was almost 100%. Now I'm just 50%. That's not good. But I can't change the past. And I am happy with my choice. I just have this thought at the back of my head; what if I had made the other choice. I'm not 100% what I'm thinking anymore. This may all be the sum of my over thinking and over analysis of every situation. And/or the fact that it's the first time I've ever had to make a decision even remotely close to this type. Not that I expect to have to make it often. But, meh. I don't know. Have I confused you yet? This isn't even me confusing Confusion.