That was quick!

During the short time that this blog has been privatized; I've noticed that I'm not posting the things that the blog was designed for. I do understand that I was getting uber emotional. That was all honestly, and perhaps it should have been filtered. But if I'm not going to utilized the blog for it's intended purpose; there's no use in keeping it. So instead of deleting it; I'm just going to have to remember to not post those things that people don't need to know. I'll have to be more thoughtful before I post. If there's a way to privatize singular posts; that may need to be the way I go. Otherwise; I'm not me. :D

In other news: I have started another blog called Literary Van. Which will be where I'll be posting everything having to do with literature and art etc. from now on. It already has two posts... one of which is a recycled piece from here, but I thought it a fitting opening to a new thing. I also considered starting one for other topics and keeping this one for those private thoughts, but I've not gotten that far; it's not as concrete of an idea as the literary one.

Re-Privatization of Personal Thoughts

Apparently it's my blogging that drives people away. So I have removed all my blatant honesty from FB and I plan to make this a private blog. I just wish that this had been present to me as a factor before. I have no problem keeping my thoughts to myself, but people had inquired and it took a long time; but my blog because a public thing. If I had known I was being unhealthy by sharing; I might have stopped the blatancy sooner. I am a notorious people pleaser. And yes, this person did have a point. Lately my posts have not been full of content that should be shared. Generally; it was all supposed to be whimsical and such, things like story posts; or great ideas for making the world a better place. Or asking those questions that I can't ask of people because I don't know anyone close enough. Like: What Halloween costume should i wear? That's how this whole thing started back in '07. But now an opportunity has been lost due to miscommunication, assuming, and the inability to express concern. Oh well. Just one more learning curve I guess.

But that being said; since this is going to be a private thing; I may not need to be as vague any more. I can unfilter like people do in Secret Diary's. 

I really hate this.

The Heart Pleas on Repeat

What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm not even worthy of an explanation? Is my ambiguity in some things coming back to bite me? Why? I don't understand this. I know that this will work out for good in the end; But that doesn't mean I understand why it happens when it does, or why it does. The unexplained 180 shift in people leaves me hurt and more cynical. Which is only worse in the long run. Why am I a person who cares so much? What do I do to deserve this from people? Yes, they are only people, and they do what's good for themselves. Do the words I chose turn around to stab me? Am I misunderstood to a point where it's too difficult to discover the truth by asking. In a way; it's good to be hurt so soon. Rather than have the pain cut too deep. But why do I care so much so soon. What did I do?

This is going to be super repetitive. But heart cries often are.

Is it because I wear my heart on my digital sleeve? Is it because I don't keep a secret diary, but rather a web log? Is that too much for people to handle when they read into what I say? Where do I begin to get better when I don't even know how I'm worse? Why have I been blindsided by this? Why can I no longer sleep again? I honestly thought I was doing better. I was mending and forgetting my cynical side more. Why whenever I get to that point where I'm almost standing; am I swiped at, lose my balance and fall of the edge again? Is it because I didn't have tears when I was born? Am I making up for lost months? Did you give me these tears so that I can always cry them?

I'm not going to wallow in a pit of desperation and try to reclaim what's not even mine. I only want to know why it always goes down like this. Who am I? What am I? What am I supposed to be? Where do I go? Where do I fit? I want to contribute to this life. But I'm barely surviving. I want to live. I can't live if I'm continually cut down without explanation. That would make me insane. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I should just give up. But what is there to give up? There's nothing left, short of becoming a street urchin.

This one hurts. I don't understand it. I'm so tired. Maybe if I could sleep. The rest would bring some perspective. Maybe I would know where to find the answers then. Right now, I read random things; and they make no sense to me. They're all the logic of my upbringing, but they're not true to me, except for the fact that I know them to be true. How do I bridge that gap? How do I get from knowledge to KNOWING? How do find out what no one can tell me?

Not Mine to Know

As the sleepless tears leak from my face I ask myself what they're doing here.
They have no place, they heed no condolences.
I stare at the vibration of words before me, uncomprehending.
My teeth chatter.
My body convulses
My heart hurts
Dear GOD if there is a reason; let me know
Or is it my place to never understand the resurrection of this circumstance.
I shiver and I sigh as the too well known thoughts return.
No!
This is not mine.
I just know it well.

The Moosy Cave

What happened to my mood? I was happy seeming, and cheerful this morning. I had plans for the day; I was going to be productive. Then it is over and I feel locked inside. That sad and stuffy feeling of un-accomplishment. I am drawing towards the end of my book that I'm reading. I don't like it when a story I'm involved in ends. I only left the house to pick up my brother from school, and to move the car. I stared at job postings for a long time today. I couldn't apply to any of them because I knew I wouldn't be an acceptable applicant. I thought about working on my book for a while. But then that creativity was drained from my by the stupidity of ignorant teenagers. I gazed at my paintings for a time, but was unmoved by them. I matched a man to  couch set, and I was doing good still for a time after that... When is it hat I lost steam? When the sun started to set? No. It was well before that. Maybe it was reflecting on how hopeless I feel. Maybe it was that phone call I made; it could be a feeling of unresolve. It might have been the bad idea to talk to the wrong person. But I honestly thought that wouldn't affect me any more. I thought I was over it. I thought I could be the one to reach out and still be a good friend. Maybe it was the realization that I can't always be a good friend to everyone. maybe it's knowing that there are hopeless cases. Maybe it's feeling completely alone; that I'm going to be stuck in this situation until something changes, but knowing that nothing's going to change in my favor. This is all downward thinking. I know that there must be hope. But when you're searching for light at the end of the tunnel, at what point do you realize it's a cave and the only way out is to either break through a wall where there is no opening or turn around and go back. Which begs the question; do you remember the way back? Did you leave bread crumbs? Is that trail of string still there? Can you still see that string? Has your lamp been extinguished? Do you have to wait for all the man made lights to go out before you can see what you're missing? 

I feel a little lost in this maze I've created, I keep running into the catacombs, and tripping over stalagmites. At this point I have to remember to not eat the moss; it's poison.

SABOTAGE!!!!

I like it when days are good, and time flies. Those are good signs, no? I just wish life made sense sometimes. Why is it I feel bad about not wanting certain things. Why is it that I am attracted, or I attract rather, the slightly unconventional? What is it that I put out there that causes some to 'obsess'? And only some do. Not all. I have no idea what I'm thinking right now; my mind is on fast forward in slow motion. I'm really tired, but I'm thinking too fast, but the subjects and words are evolving slowly. 

On a separate but similar note; or a slightly unrelated, but along the same train of thought note... Do I over think things? Yes. Is that ok? I have no idea. I suppose it's what I'm over thinking. For instance, if I were to over think how someone is to perceive me, I can make myself feel like I'm sabotaging things because I don't want them to know how I view me... Wait; that came out completely wrong. See what I mean: it's not flowing. There are speed bumps and jagged turns with lots of obstacles to jump before it can make it to coherent; and by that time; the thought is unrecognizable.

It's not quite early enough for bed.

I often find myself posting in my blog in the late hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning. This makes me wonder if I am suffering from insomnia and am wasting the time away by blurbing onto a page; or if I'm insomniatic because I have all of these thoughts racing in my head. Is the thought the cause or the means?

Regardless; I can't sleep right now. I was so so so tired earlier. I almost fell asleep during my movie. But I can't fall asleep during a movie. Not if I'm just tired. I have to be on the verge of sleep before I start it to actually be able to fall asleep during it. Or there has to be someone else around that I trust myself to fall asleep around them. I guess I have to feel secure. I was just laying on the edge of the right side of the bed; eyes wide open, contemplating the significance of realizing that I have been sleeping on the right side of the bed for a while. I even thought back; I generally take the right side of the bed; or the one that is butted up against the wall. if it's not against the wall; I have usually taken the right. except one time. I was on the left... I take the left if it's the farthest from the door. And this has only happened at places like: hotels. But this means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Who cares what side of the bed I sleep on? My dog certainly doesn't she'll sleep wherever she fits; she would just rather it not be against the wall, close to the center of the room. 

... And then What is the grand scheme of things? What does that involve? 

One of my fears has been deepened when it comes to that grand scheme, sort of. I fear that I'm viewed for what I could/should/am-expected-to be. Sometimes I think that I'm the face that is desired due to desperation. I'm the easy answer. But those people who view me that way; they don't really know me. They know the face I show them. I can't always be that. Not all of the time. Yes; sometimes I even think I could be the easy answer. But that's if someone knew the truth of it. And I reflect on that truth; which proves that I couldn't be. 

I don't want desperation. I want reality. Cold hard reality. 

Chick flicks are so easy to lose yourself in. That may be why I generally do not like them. They have no real substance. None of their scenarios would play out successfully in real life. Which begs the question; why have I been watching them so often lately? Am I trying to escape into some form of non-reality? What am I escaping from? What am I hoping to escape to? Maybe it's feeling that this life is completely hopeless. I don't see a way of it working out properly. And the Sunday school answer to this; I know is; Have faith. And I am always hearing people say that; but no one tells you how. What does that look like?

Then of course, there are the religious people in life that tell you to let go, or surrender. How do you do that? Not that I don't believe it can be done. I just don't understand it. I'm afraid to say there is no logic to it. But right now; that's where I'm at. I've lost all logic, and I want to lose myself in a movie with a great emotional soundtrack.

I like the picture more than the girl.

Sometimes I wish I could be an incredibly callused person and be terribly rude and crass to everyone without a thought. But then I remember that I have to consider everyone's feelings. There is this thing that people do: they get irritated, or something upsets them a little bit, but they keep it to themselves for gawd knows what reasons, and then when it's too much; they fly off the handle. They go in the complete opposite direction of consideration. How that Halibut am I supposed to know that the circumstances of the daily bases have changed. How am I supposed to know to try and accommodate someone who is so so spoiled. Not spoiled in the sense that they get all the best all the time. But they get what they want because they want it, and it's always been that way. and if they didn't get what they want; they  did something drastic until it worked out for them in a way that they wanted. I gotta get out of these types of situations. I cannot stand tip toeing around with a completely inconsistent variable. If the variable were a constant; I could manage; but if I HAVE NO IDEA that the variables have changed; how am I supposed to know to accommodate them before I get my head bit off?

Yes! This is an instantaneous reaction to a small instance that JUST happened. But I have been so stressed out lately that I'm half a step from the edge. But Me; I don't take it out on that person if I can't do it nicely. I HATE being this close to losing it. 

I know that if I lose it a bit; I'm out on the street. And that makes the stress levels rise even more. There is no security. I'm balanced on a high wire one wrong move; and I'm done for. 

Maybe if I stay to myself and don't make a peep; I'll be ok. 

Oh wait; I've tried that; and I get chastised for being too cold and not being friendly. There is no happy balance. I want to be rescued; but there's no one left to rescue me.

Who is this Mirror girl I see?

Lately I feel that I've been trying to be more reflective. I'm not sure if this is chosen reflection or forced reflection. But it is reflection no less. All of this reflecting is making me feel terrible. I am terrible. I feel terrible. What have I accomplished? I had moved out, but then I believed lies and such, wound up homeless, and had to move back home, where I have less to show for myself, save for more cynicism and a longing to leave. I had purchased my own car, it was mine, I owed nothing, but it had issues and I believed my mechanic and it just kept getting worse and worse I ended up paying for it twice over until all that was left was to donate it to charity, and now I only borrow my mom's car, and it is dying around me. I Got my bachelors degree, and took a job 'under the table' got laid off, and therefore have no real experience so no one will hire me, making it so I have to work retail, which I despise, with people who don't understand my situation and make assumptions, which only reflect back on me as being unworthy to work in my field because I'm just a cashier now... I could go on, and I probably will. I do not care for southern California. There is NO reason to be here, except I can't be anywhere else. 

The next problem I face, besides not being able to find work, and not being able to provide for myself on any level is this: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I don't understand how I got here. I only suppose it has something to do with me letting people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I may be pretty, I may have some brains, but they mean squat if you can't talk yourself up, and sell it as a product. I can't be what everyone wants me to be. That only builds stress and wears me thin, and crushes me down. I want to know what I'm good for if anything. Dear GOD! Who am I supposed to be?!

Eleven is my favorite number

Hello New Year! If I had written a new years post any sooner than right now; it would have been inherently negative. I had back pain. I was feeling sickly. I was upset with one friend, and miffed by another. I was feeling insecure, alone, forgotten, used, and taken advantage of. You may ask: How could you define this year so terribly on the fifth day in? I would then answer: because it's carried over from previously. And last year wasn't all that great either. I'm not going into that detail anymore right now though; I expressed my distaste for it back in November at least once. Then of course the next question you would undoubtedly want a response for is: why is it a would have been? I would then smile at you bemusedly and say something completely vague and/or misleading. Then you'd look at me quizzically and probably walk away miffed and or frustrated. So instead of going through all that; I'm writing this out so you dont' have the opportunity to ask of me such trivial questions. 

There is no real reason why my mood has dramatically changed today. I don't think this year will be better because it is simply a new year. I do however, have hope that it can be better. Yes; things can always get worse; and I might be in another foul mood in a day or so, but right now I'm hopeful and happy ish. I'm going to attribute this partially to the fact that I was able to sleep uninterrupted for an extended period of time today. Though, my back wasn't hurting directly after that; it is starting to ache once more. Not at the level it once was, and I hope that it's only stress related. But it has subsided it's ferocity of attack. I'm also able to breathe fully through my nose and hardly feel the need to cough up my lungs in more recent hours. I was also useful today. I accomplished a small feat. I went grocery shopping and made dinner. These may sound like menial tasks and some people do this on the daily. I am not those people. My circumstances do not beg of me to be so domestic. It was a hint of a routine I do not have, but would like to possess. 

There is a part of me that would like to be able to have the opportunity to struggle through life successfully. To have the experiences that I'm missing out on. I'd like to have a job that I worked for, something that stimulates my brain. I want to take my work home with me, and have to plan out my meals so that I can do my shopping in a timely manner, and leave my shoes in the living room, and set up my desk wherever I please. Look at me; I'm rambling and not making sense. Again. 

I am thankful that I was taken in by my aunt when I was, if she hadn't taken me in; I don't know what would have happened. I am glad I can live here where I am, and I'm not being forced out, because I can't even afford this. I am thankful that I have use of my mother's vehicle. Without it; I couldn't even be working the terrible job that I do have. I am thankful for so much. 

And yet; There is so much that I wish I was better at. I fret sometimes over my disposition and the faults of my personality. I'm not the best: I'm generally average. and I am no good at talking myself up. I don't know what I'm on about now. My thoughts are too disconnected to keep them straight.