Learning To Be Useless

I still need a job. At this point, I think I don't really care what it is... mostly. I think I could work at data entry, or as a file clerk. I don't think I'd be good at commission still though. Maybe I'd do it anyway. I am fairly certain I don't have the personality for it though.

On another hand. I am flying through this HTML book. I don't think I'm retaining much. But I am understanding it. And I'm not entirely sure about everything I'm taking in either. I am hopeful though. I can figure this out. And then I'll have another unused skill under my belt.

Speaking of unused skills; I've found I have the uncanny ability to radar in on doughnut shops. In the last week I've discovered maybe 20 in and around the Riverside area. I've only been to a few of them... my workout routine does not approve of this. It feels like it's being taken advantage of, and is putting out a whole lot of effort for nothing. I should try and convince myself that I don't like doughnuts again. then maybe this ability will slow to a stop. Maybe I should get a job at a doughnut shop.

Target Practice Invitation

I've come up with something more to write about. HEEhee... Anyway; 

I'm in the mood for a photoshoot. Now; I usually do these things on my own when the whim hits me. But I want to go bigger. Yes, we did go bigger once, but it was a rush job, and very thrown together, and it showed. What I need this time is a concrete idea. Or at least a loose idea that I can work with. I like to work with what I have. But I don't have that much anymore. And I don't necessarily want to be all things in it.

Lately I've had ideas run through my head periodically, but I've had no way to get them out. 

I need someone to work with me on these visions. A partner in 'crime' as it were. I'm not even going to confine myself to a certain style. Lemme know if you'd like to get your creative juices flowing, and would like to help out. Or share ideas.

A Little Change

I think it's great that not everyone sees me as the same person I was. I hope that these changes are for the better. And I hope that it's not a false identity that they either saw or are seeing. I know I'm not the same as I was. I've gotten out of my shell a bit. Granted; it's still a natural reaction for me to be that way. But I choose to be more. I don't think I had anywhere that I was actually going with this. So: That's all folks.

Thinking Over Waiting

I'm all wedding-ed out. I don't care about the shoes. It was just me to choose for, following my mothers guidelines. Now I have choosy people to choose for, and I have to consider what will work for them and whatnot. I'm just done. There is no way to appease everyone. I also don't know a think about flowers. I'm ok if they're just close to the perceived colors that we've chosen. I don't think I could care any less. It's all very frustrating. But I'm also thankful that it's kept my mind busy. With an active mind, I've not had a chance to over think what has happened. yet, I have enough free time to move past it. But now that I'm worn out; I don't know if I want to move on. I'm not sure if I feel it necessary to wait either. I don't know if I should. I know I could. And I think I'd be willing to. But I also don't want to be waiting around for something that is never going to happen. Needless to say; I'm confused.

I am stronger than Me.

Right now: I’m going to clarify. I am not angry. Yes, on some levels I am hurt. Not by anyone else but me. I am upset that I opened myself up. No, that’s not entirely true. I would feel more hurt if I thought that to be absolutely true. I am grateful that for a time; I was accepted for me. I am surprised at how ‘easy’ it was for me to drop my guard. Even though it did not seem like an easy task. I wanted to let someone in. Because I do not want to always feel alone. That is something I need to work through on my own. I do feel like a whole person on my own. And it’s odd to me that I think I can move on already. However; I don’t want think I want to. I don’t think I want to be that vulnerable again. Even though I think, no, I know I will need to be again someday. For now; I am going to focus on me, the relationships that come into my life, my business, and my God. I am sorry for my friends in Wisconsin. It seems that I no longer have a concrete reason to come back. I don’t have a concrete reason to do anything, or be anywhere. I do have abstract reasons to continue living. I thought I would just exist for awhile from that point. But even I know just existing doesn’t work; I don’t want to waste away. I will survive, and more. If life changes again, I want my friends there with me as much as they were before. I appreciate the positives attitudes that were volunteered in regards to the situation. I love you, and thank you.

The Bricks The Shadows Keep

Opened myslef up.
Ripped out the pieces.
It's not that I'm broken hearted.
I have merely retreated.
Retreated to my keep.
The walls are high.
The deadly moat is deep.
I know it's not a healthy place.
Nor a place I want to be.
I'll put up my mask.
Forage the unknown kingdoms.
Then sit.
Alone.
Again.
For times unknown.
I will wear a cloak of daggers.
To prick the pain away.
Come in my dear.
Eat me whole.

Cross the River

I don't want to hurt
I don't want you to hurt
I want to hurt you
for hurting me
Having naught hurts more
than the pain of not knowing
The depth of which I have you
Numbness is overwhelming
Shallow breathing burns
crush me like a can of soda
I crumple to the sides
In and out of myself
The emptiness is filled
by a shorter distance
the chasm of half a nation
It's not close enough to conquer
Only for the long run
Not worth the effort
of rescuing
from the hurt

we can't help but cause.

Ending the Beginning.

This is what I get for thinking. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...and now I'm done.