Short Stories are Tall Tales

I've been writing a page by page story, and today; I was indirectly told that no one was interested in ever reading it. Indirectly have you, and that may not actually be what they meant, but that is how I heard it, and they're probably right, if that is what they meant. And that kinda kills my steam to keep writing in it. However, I started writing it, to pass time at work when there's nothing I can do. I have been getting severe headaches and back pain recently, tied to the stress at work, so that limits what I can do. Which leaves me sitting in the office a whole lot. And, I am very proficient with my tasking that I've made it so I have very little actual work to do in the office. And that little work I do have to do, is self updating to a point, so that limits what I have to do even further. Mostly, I update things in about 5 minutes and then fix my assistants mistakes and then pretend to work for the rest of the day, or until actual work comes along. But; have no fear, there are only 46 days left here at this job. This also means I am having to move and find new work. My mother does not want me to move in with Mr. Peanut, however, Mr. Peanut lives much closer to the design world than she does. It simply would not make sense for me to relocate to Riverdonkey when I hope to work in the design word, which is in LA and OC. And not even all OC, just the more populous areas... meaning; not North Orange County. But North OC is better than Riverdonkey, and if I felt there was a better, more viable option, I would seriously consider it. But; since I don't have a job yet, it makes sense to be closer to wear the jobs are. And that's another thing; I am virtually helpless to find a new job. I have next to ZERO industry experience. And I don't have the programs right now to hone my skills. Plus; no one wants to hire someone who would be happy doing Photoshop touch-ups all day. Even if that is what the job is. I dunno. This whole thing is bunk. I wish I was qualified for other things. Or something. Maybe if I could just sing. I would like that. But I don't know how to do that either. I only know that I like to sing, and the only opportunities I have to sing are at Karaoke bars and things like that. So I take those opportunities. But what else? 

Good Service DOES Exist

So; my laptop died. I lost pretty much all of my documents. But I got a new laptop, there were display models on sale and the OfficeMax team was great. On Sunday, my car died. I had to purchase a new battery and starter and get them installed, but the AAA guy and the PepBoys guys were all great, and friendly. I had an interview, I have no idea how it went, the interviewer seemed more nervous than I did. Afterwords, Mr. Peanut and I went to Chili's and our server was spectacular, knowledgeable and friendly. I am going to say; despite the circumstances and all the chaos going on in my life right now; I have (so far) had a great customer service week. Thank you all you GREAT Customer Service Representatives out there, I appreciate you. 

A New Path To Take

Do you know how it feels to know that you're letting someone down? Even before you've told them, or they find out about what you've done? Even before you do it? That's where I'm at. Not that what that person believes should be done is right, but you still don't want to disappoint them. What they think, feel and believe; matters, but you just cannot appease them this time. And this time, out of everything, may be so big that their opinion of you as a person may change... knowing that the dynamics of your relationship are about it change is hard. Especially when you have NO idea how much they are bound to change. And then there's the waiting to find out how they're going to change. waiting to see how that person will receive and react to the news that may shatter your relationship. How will the dynamics between you change? There's a lingering fear and dread there. The aura of the unknown and mounds of uncertainty. It's kinda stressful just thinking about it. People always tell you, it'll be alright, or if it's a strong bond, everything will work out... But things change. Even if it's the strongest bond, some things just can't stay the same. I'm just afraid of how it'll change. I'm not going to try and stop the change. But I'm not going to encourage it either.
On the other end of the spectrum. I feel confident that I am making a good choice, and I do not feel that any amount of reasoning or persuasion will sway me from my choice. Living with a bowling ball in your brain for several months is bound to break a person down, so I am removing myself from said bowling ball situation and choosing something else. I have found the one I believe to be the love of my life, and I am excited to start builiding our life togehter away from the unruly stress that is my current job. I do not know exactly what the future holds for us. I do know the ground is shaky when you're poised at the end of a needle, but together, we can balance out our platform by working together. I love you Mr. Peanut. SWTOR and all. 

Dormant Energy

Yay Energy! I can't sleep. It's not that I can't sleep because I have energy. No. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about what's going to happen over the next several weeks. I have energy because I have hope that I don't need to be here anymore. I have decided that my miserable self cannot work this job. You don't know it, because for the duration of my terrible job experience here, thus far; I have not been in this blog much, nor talking about said job experience. It basically breaks down to a few key points. 1) My assistant Manager is useless. 2) My boss does nothing about the terrible uselessness (and counter-productiveness) that is my assistant manager, though things should have been done a LONG time ago. 3) I am the face of a company I'm growing to not care about because of reasons 1, 2, and 4. 4) I have too much responsibility and not enough power. Over the next several weeks, I may get into that deeper, because it is weighing heavily on me. It is also the main reason I am losing my sanity. But I have hope that it won't be happening much longer. I have fear of what will happen until that time frame is up, and what happens after it. 
I am very glad to be regaining sanity. But will I be losing a different part of sanity? Will I still be me at the end of this? Will this be the biggest mistake of my life? Will he still love me when he has to deal with me ALL the time? Will family still accept me after I make this choice? Is this dumb? Can I do it? Will I find other work? What do I do with all of my stuff? How do I tell MY family? Will the roomie see why I need to do this, and forgive me for not sticking to her side? Will I get stuck? Will a rut seize me and i'll just turn into a bump on a log and never attain any type of goal at all? Am I driving myself mad? Am I making a mistake? 
It would be a bigger mistake to stay.

You are what you eat? Oh, boy...

Actually; I don't have anything specific to talk about. Mr. Peanut is sleeping, and I can't sleep yet. So I'm laptopping it up in bed... whooooooo... I could talk about how I sometimes think I look like a sexy beast and then I don't. But I was not feeling it tonight. Then I saw my reflection... I'm all "Dang Girl, you's a sexy beast." in my head. Out loud, I just giggled and remarked on it when I returned from the bathroom. That's actually it for now... I have a feeling I'm going to be rather "secretive" on this blog for a while. That may change. But I don't want to spill just yet, everything. No funny business, just stuff. 

Just Gotta Do.

Look at all the things I miss when I go away for a long while. Everything looks different. Almost everything is different. Besides the fact, that I hate my job and would like to still live in a van down by the river... pretty much everything has changed. The layout for posting has most certainly changed... I haven't even looked at what I need to do to post this yet. It's a new year! My Bestie is getting married. (To a douche... ok, maybe not a douche, but I'm not happy with him.) My other Bestie has relocated to my neck of the woods and started life at my humble abode. AND; I have a Mr. Peanut! I don't think the world is ready for the cheese that is the love between us. That or I just don't know how to describe what I want to say. But I did not come here today to talk about him, or us. But I do want to say this! Tomorrow is our 3 monthiversary, and it has been wonderful. I think I actually came back here today, just so I could start coming back here. There's got to be a first, it's gotta start somewhere, so sometimes, you just have to power through and eat the first bite, or take that first step. Just Got To Do. 'Cus if you don't just start, then you can keep putting it off, and you'll never start. And I don't want to stay away from the blog anymore. I'm not saying that I'm coming back and it's going to be the same as it was. I'm not saying that it's going to last forever. I am definitely not saying this is a one time re-return, or the format is going to change. I'm saying this is my first step and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know I would like to put my thoughts out there again.

Old post never posted.

Boys lie. Why am I a stupid girl who always believes what boys say? Why do I anticipate what I know will probably never happen? It's days like these that I'd gain weight if I gained weight. But I don't gain it. I don't lose it. I don't get the happy ending, I don't get the fairy tale. I don't even get to be the other girl int he fairy tale. This is poopy. And I don't like this...... 




I wrote this a while ago... Sheesh! 

I could be better than me.

I've been thinking about writing for a long while, but have yet (until now) gotten around to it.
There are so many things going on in my head. I'm surprised I haven't exploded from not writing them out. Some of these things are options I have... Including but not limited to: I could go into the service, I honestly think about it all the time. I could go back to school for something I think I might actually do. I could sell all my worldly possessions and live in a van, down by the river. I could try dating again. I could try and find a job in WI. I could throw caution to the wind and run away. I could learn motorcycle mechanics. I could play the lottery, but not really. I could invest in audio equipment, and keep working this job I dislike 75% of the time. I could rearrange my schedule again. I could eat Hardee's Biscuits and Gravy every day and then exercise, and not eat dinner. I could go on a 4 day mini vacation. I could join the military. I could focus on either learning a hobby, instrument, or language. I could go to the money managers seminar. I could tell the 'truth'. I could fall apart. I could have a nervous breakdown. I could pretend to be content with my life as is. I could walk away. I could paint more. I could get my motorcycle license. I could speculate about how I feel, and how others feel about me. I could cry myself to sleep. I could try to be a better friend to those who forget me. I could go to bed. 

Why Does Rex Get the Girl?

I knew better than to fall that hard. And of course I was right. Why don't I ever listen to my cynical self? Because usually she's just being cynical, overbearing and hurt. But this time: she was right. Yes; I couldn't really help it; but if I had listened to myself, I might have been better prepared for this. Why in God's green earth, should I feel like my heart is broken after 3 months of communication, and one date? Probably because of the way it ended... or, or, or; because I'm a stupid girl and let myself start feeling during those first 3 months. In retrospect, my overly cynical self tells me that he didn't like me as much as he said and his leaving for 6months is a great excuse for him to cop out of saying; "I don't like you, you crazy girl." But then my logical self chimes in and says: "Not everyone is clever enough to think like that." So it's just a happy coincidence. 
I was coming to terms with not specifically waiting, as requested: but then he went and gave my number to his friend... so he's resigned himself to my not being available by trying to ensure that I won't be? Seriously; if he did like me as much as he claimed; wouldn't my talking with his friend the way his friend wants to talk, pose a conflict of interest in the future? Wouldn't that friend and him have me hanging in the balance between them after that 6 months? Or is my cynical self right, and he doesn't like me like he said he does. Did. 
It probably doesn't help that I'm becoming an emotional cynical wreck again. I seriously have not liked anyone like this since Soul-Shoes; and it wasn't that quick with him either... But I think Soul-Shoes still lingers a bit. A reminder of why I don't let myself fall that hard. But then; If I never fall that hard; I'll never fall at all... and then I'll be an old maid who drinks by herself and has no friends or love interests. I don't want to be an old maid. I want someone to take me away from this. I want someone to struggle through life with, have ups and downs, and eventually be the last couple on the dance floor at our great grandchild's wedding... Dang, my martini's gone. 
Maybe tomorrow I'll not listen to this heartbreak music, and I'll be ok alone again. Maybe I'll go back to content with monotony... Who am I kidding, I wasn't really content with monotony; I used to have hope. But the glass has been toppled and it's no longer half empty; there's only a puddle remaining, filling up it's side as it totters on the edge of the table. 

Too soon too fast too much too deep

I don't really know why I chose tonight of all nights, but I'm drinking alone. I woke up depressed after a night of bad dreams and uneasy sleep, then mood dramatically changed later in the day; It went through a few transformations due to random circumstances, or maybe not so random. And now I'm in a depressy mood once again. Only now I'm full of Martinis. I'm not crazy drunk. I'm buzzed though, and should probably just call it a night. 
How is it possible that I can become so... so... addicted so fast? I don't usually have an addictive personality. But My emotions are tied to how I think this guy is thinking. And that's just it: I don't know what he's thinking, so it's all conjecture and assumption. I have a very over active imagination, and a cynical nature; so it's not usually the best that I come to. I try to find the better light of things, but I can't do it today. It's just not happening. I'm coming to the worst conclusions, and I feel terrible. I think I like him. Maybe too much too soon. He says he likes me too though; so if we're taking him at his word, then it's not too bad. But I am wary of being stabbed in the heart again. 
For the past two days I've been listening to the least helpful music too... Classic Love songs of Rock'n'Roll, Ella and Luis Songs for Lovers, Dion and the Bellmonts... It's just terrible. And then he wonders why I'm the way I am. I'm a stupid girl and my emotions get all out of whack on occasion. I have little to no control over it apparently. But I really do like him. I catch myself day dreaming about the future; I never do that. I'm not a usual mushy girl. But seriously; I thought about myself in a wedding dress today. Where the Halibut did that come from?! I never think about weddings, Never this soon, not usually later even either... If this is wrong; I think it may ruin me if we say goodbye. And just thinking that; makes this whole situation worse. 
Seriously; I'm considering compromising my life away for him already. So pathetic girl!

She's doing what?

I have found that it is not enticing enough a thought (much like a secret diary) to post in a blog that no one reads any more. Seriously; I feel that there's zero possibility of people actually reading this. So I don't post. 
But I have had lots of ideas, and I've had several things I've wanted to say; and today I have the time and motivation to be productive, so here I am.
Yesterday I started a TurboFire work out program. Actually; first I did a NYC Ballet workout, and then I did a Zumba Flat Abs workout, and I still had a little energy, and the box that my mom had left behind was just sitting there, so I put in the first disc. It was just an informational DVD, prepping you for the workout to come. My mom didn't leave the guide behind, so I put in the second DVD. I about died, and I stayed a little soar. But it's a good soar, and I found out that there is an online community designed to help people help each other through their workouts. I have no friends who would work out with me; so I went to try it. That just motivated me to continue on in the program. I, generally, am turned off by Yoga; it might just be the implied stereotype of it, but eh. It was good too. So; we'll see if this keeps on. If I do keep with the schedule that's been created for me on the website for at least a week; I'll buy myself a new bathing suit. One better designed for learning to surf. Which is another new thing. I talked an old friend into teaching me to surf; it didn't take much persuading, he actually more or less volunteered when I said "I want to learn to surf." But we both agree that I'm going to have to constantly remind him. Which I can do; I do pestering friend very well I do believe. Hopefully that will turn out good, and that'll be one more thing off my "bucket list." 
And I suppose that is what it is. I am going to be a quarter of a century old in a few weeks time, and what do I have to show for myself besides some heartache and an enormous Sallie Mae bill? Not much, there is so much I want to accomplish, but circumstance and opportunity has always held me back. So I've decided to put on a take charge personality and just do it. I don't want to find that I'm middle aged and have never done anything I've wanted. I'm still relatively young, I can do this. So this summer; I'm going to learn to surf, ride a motorcycle, seriously work on my German, and look into gardening my own vegetables. I'm excited. I just hope I don't lose momentum like I'm no doubt bound to do. 
I'd ask for someone to hold me accountable to this; but no one really reads this, nor is anyone around to get on me about it. I have no close friends. So it's going to take a lot of self motivating. Just gotta do it. Set goals; and prepare rewards for accomplishing them... perhaps I'll make a list, or a spreadsheet for that... monitor my progression. Wish me luck; someone call me and check up on me or something.