The paint under my nails reminds me of this.

I'm such a Hypocrite.

Play That Simple Melody & Some Sweet Beautiful Rags

I wrote this one down first... So I might add to it at the end -> { I want someone to write me a song. I want someone to work with me and my vocal capabilities to write a piece for me to perform. I also want someone to just write me a song. For them to perform on my behalf. Either to me or about me. But mostly I want a song to sing myself. I want it be like poetry in motion. Expression of movement and emotion. An outward telling of the soul that lives (thrives) within. A vocalization of the true meaning of what needs to be and what should be said. } <- That is it. Then I made a list of some of the vocalists I admire [their voices]. It included some of the following; Peggy Lee, Bing Crosby, Patsy Cline, Dean Martin, Tracy Chapman, Michael Buble, Otis Redding, Gladys Knight, Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, Judy Garland, Julie Andrews, Harry Connick Jr., Dion, Anne of Heart, Rosemary Clooney, Carrie Underwood, Deana Weinand, Sammy Davis Jr., Etc. One time, I thought of names for this list all the way to school; but then I meandered off the topic... that's like 1/2 hour. It also included those artists who sing songs that I would/could never attempt to sing well. I also remembered what was such a good topic the other day. It had to do with exact timings, irony, and coincidences. It's very interesting to look back and see how things work out. For instance; About six months ago, I did one of the stupidest things ever. Yay! exactly six months (to the day) later, I confronted that issue, and was prepared to get over it completely. Next day, I do something even stupider. Great! haha... Oh well, At least I don't feel the guilty party this time. And I know of most of the angels of each of the arguments that can possibly come into play. I just have to make a conscious effort to never get into those predicaments again. Yay! Don't worry, I haven't exactly compromised my integrity. XD

So that everybody can hear.

I want to laugh, Long and loud and clear... It's fun that way. when people think you're crazy because you have an unexplained smile on your face. When people can't understand that you are specifically happy. I dunno! it's just funny I guess. I enjoy these moments/days. they come too few and far between. they used to come more often. not lately. and how can it be, that I can feel, and act this way when I'm as emotionally unstable as a butterfly. I don't actually know what that means. let me try to explain by writing the random words and statements that go through my head next. with no filter, okay maybe a little one: skin, filter, obese pageant princess, green and blue don't match, the litter of the label, my phone has a post-it note in German, hair and teeth, Orange with yellow, Berlin, Falafl, Open-lab, open mind, smelly room, fear and loathing, captain jack, Student and their Id's, German numerals, roman cars, parasol, wetness, sweaty face, chest, record, recording mic, How many mike's Mr. Mouse, who wears short shorts? that's pretty much it for now. I don't think I can get any more in depth than that right now. Teehee!

Why are they called BlueBerries?

Oh my gosh! I had something I was meaning to write here... I can't remember! I'm way to giddy...Teehee! and I have no idea why. maybe it's because I ate. You know they DO recommend that occasionally... haha, Oh dear... I'm even singing Brittany Spears. There must be something wrong with me. Dangit! it was a really good topic too! hahaha... oh dear, I want to sing. I'm the mood to. I can't really describe anything right now... :) oh, this hurts, I'm laughing too hard for no reason. good times, good times. Love YA!

There's oil in my rainbow.

Drugs are bad. Not just because of what the man says. Because they are. They make people stupid. Do stupid things, Say stupid things, I don't like dealing with people when they're on drugs. Sure it's a little entertaining. like drunk people. But It wreaks my heart. I've never done the drugs, so I don't understand the whole "new frame of mind" thing that goes on... It seems to me, just to make people stupid. But that may be, because I already think in an out of the box "trippy" way. Or at least that's what I've been told. There might also be more to the whole breaks my heart thing too... hmmm... Why me? What did I do for this? I appreciate being the one trusted. But Why am I not trusted when they're not high, or whatever? Why am I feared when they are sober? Why am I feared? Why are people afraid to know me? What am I putting out there? Is it because I have that special air of certain confidence around me? They say I come across as a bitch... but I care. I want you to trust me with your thoughts, your well-being if need be. My friends mean so much to me. I will be there in a heartbeat for you. Or I will do everything in my power to help make it better. I guess it's okay being forgotten in times of joy, If I'm remembered in times of trials... I guess... And why can't I take a compliment? I've gotten the only compliment I long to hear twice... Once from Leah in the 5th(?) grade, and once last week Wednesday(?) from the Moose. I kinda got it from my grandma once, and my mom once, and Stack once; in a way. and there are a few others who've skirted around it. But I want to hear it. Boost my confidence in that. Then help me make something of it. Practice!

She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)

I had a really good idea coming into this now, but it's not important... I can't talk about what's consuming my mind right now. So I'll try and change the subject. Okay... I want someone to write me a song to sing. I love soul, and singers who've got it. I think I could have it. I've never heard myself sing outside of my head though. I still want to be a rockstar though. I would still find that uber enjoyable. {I wonder what this will do to us} nope, can't think about that right now... Okay, I guess this might not work... Dangit! I want to stop feeling numb now. Someone make me accountable. better stop now, save for I say too much...

This is why they told me this

I don't get to talk about this one. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . !

Communication breakdown; where the U and the I intersect... prepare for delays

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. Everyone (okay not EVERYONE) is telling me what to do. And, Yes, their advice is sound with the one side argument, leaving out emotion, and personal assumptions. Along with a different mind set as far as personal standards and moral codes. So; I appreciate that they care enough to tell me what to do. I just can't bring myself to do that. I do admit that I should do something though. I can't bring myself to decide what though. Do I keep on keeping on, and just hope. Or do I chance a major change and probably, end up regretting it. Seriously. Let's think about this. If your friend continually let you down, over and over, and over again. and you just let it go, and forgave them, (hypathetically) you'd want to vent that to someone eventually. Am I right or am I right? You're right. I need to confront them. And if it doesn't end well... Well, then I was right in knowing that I'm the BEST friend. and they're not. But if it goes well, I'll kick myself for the heartache. I don't see this ending well. I also can't imagine not being their friend. Why do I always get the crap dealer? For reals. There was progress though. On their end, and on mine. I didn't put on a happy face to appease. I got irritated (more with myself, than their lack of -Hootspah in the matters at hand) and I let that show. On the other hand; I didn't follow suit with my words. Dang-nab-it. Why? How? UUUgh!

On my honor, I wll try... to live by the Girl Scout Law.

Is it weird that I remember almost everything? I can't help it. And when I do remember, and others don't that drives me nuts. Especially since, My word is my bond. I say I'm going to do something, as long as I remember (which is so very likely I will remember), I will do what I said I'd do. Like the wine glasses for instance. I told Buzzy I would get him a matching set of wine glasses, because he only had one. It took me a while, but he's got a matching set now. Same thing with the water bottle, and Stack's party, and oh so many other things... But when people say they'll do things for me, or to me,or with me, or in general, and they don't that makes me a little irritated. Sure they probably just forgot, or their circumstances have changed dramatically. But if that's the case, an update on the goings on, for the sake of one's word, should be in order. Enough of that nonsense, set off by being drunk texted. Which reminds me; I need to set up a brainstorm with Mr. OrnagePorch himself. I can't really work without a concept. I could BS it. but it might not come out very well. Hmmmm... I also need to make some big decisions about my alternative transportation project; Who, What, Why... the Usual. I promise, this is the last weekend for a while, that I go out every night, and don't get home till too late to work on anything. --I, Van, Swear, to not go dancing without direct guidelines and rules set for me, amongst my friends. I promise to let go of circumstances that may become detrimental to my psyche, and my health. I will not do things for the sake of impossible possibilities, and will reflect on goings on more wisely. On my honor, I will be the person I choose to be, not the girl, I cannot stand. I will love my friends, and respect myself and others, Love God, and my family. and Live joyfully, and uphold the law.

This connection between us seems faulty

wow, it's been a while. So for my first post of the new year; I will write my proposition idea. among other things. I want to create an album campaign for OrangePorch. Since what I want to do when I graduate and go out into the "real world," is music paraphernalia, this is a wonderful idea. It will give me experience working with a real artist, and he'll get it for free. I will have a piece to put in my portfolio, and something to work on in Directed study with Proske. I don't know why he should say anything but yes. Anther thing I want to do is; Hold a "high-fashion" photo-shoot. I will require help from my friends. there's only so much I can do on my own. I want to propose my project as an event for the AIGA, because we are always looking for something good to do as a club, and never find anything. And then maybe, people will want to participate in the club. I will present this to Tawny this week. Thursday is the next meeting. Last week, I was the only member to show up, Yay! Then I went to HOBAnaheim with Eliza, and she talked me into divulging my list to her. Now she is the only one who knows the who'sacquaintances of hers. I hope she won't go back and read what I wrote in the past, knowing the name associations of some of these peoples... My stupidity... oh well. Maybe if I keep updating this, no one will have time to go back and figure out who's who. Yes, some people are pretty obvious as to who they are. I don't know when I'll have time to do that this quarter though. I actually don't have time to be writing this one really. I am busy busy busy. Plus all that other stuff I want to get done. And then; I will be moving up to 5 days a week at work soon. whoohoo!