-Your Five O’clock Shadow Bit Me-

Will you call me if I do?

Will you call me if we don’t?

Don’t hurts more than do,

Initial outtake to be received.

Do hurts more than don’t,

The Backlash of regrets.

Your lies are quite pretty.

Conscience screams at me to run.

Two steps closer to your doorway.

Drunk scratches on a bare back.

The blankets are inviting.

Envelopment could be sweet.

Instinct yells at me to run now.

I cannot seem to move my feet.

Stop your hands from roaming.

A NO escapes my lips.

All reasons are now daunting.

Confusion seethes in my mind.

My body wants to do this.

Hormones catching up with reason.

We didn’t see it through.

Now I wait for which lies are true.

The waiting is what’s hardest.

The hurt that is my dues.

Chastising myself again.

Never let it go that far.

A cut from the 5 o’clock shadow,

Is my only scar today.

An empty spot on my heart,

Will be my soul ache for many tomorrows.

I think I confused confusion.

I hate being confused. This confused that I am. It doesn't even make sense. Yes, I know that statement makes little to no sense. But it really doesn't make sense. Let me explain; Have you ever really really liked someone, but were confused because you didn't want to like them as much as you do, and you can't put your finger on why you don't want to like them. Confused yet? I am. I think the confusion might be bred from and tied to my confusion and frustration with life choices that I'm dealing with at this point. That and my emotions are so in whack that I don't get them. They are doing what, in movies, they would be doing, if I were in a movie. This really sucks. I feel like a stupid silly girl. Not just a stupid girl, which I expect of myself. Uuuugh! I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I don't want to give too much away. Which goes completely against what I was talking about in my previous post. But not in the same ways. That's confusing too... Like the music thing. What was with that. Why do I freeze up? I shut down and don't trust myself. My instincts are usually good. And what does it matter if they're wrong. In the Grand Scheme Of Things, does it change anything? Maybe. That's why I choke. So what is actually holding me back? Fear. But fear of what? Getting hurt? Being happy? Being able to Move on? Getting to a point, and then some teensy fact or not so teensy fact comes up and it ends? I have no idea. I am so confused.

The Reason for The Thought Process IS:

There have been several instances over the past while that I've thought to myself; 'you should blog this' but then I think about it. And I decide not to, because what I'd have to say may be taken the wrong way, and blown completely out of proportion. If it be fact or fiction, or just a random thought. I has the potential to be taken wrong. But That thought goes against the whole reason for having this blog. This blog is to chronicle my thoughts as I have them regardless of offense. I write my mind, because I'm not always encouraged to speak it. I am expected to be peaceable in real life. This is cyberlife. I am allowed to be myself here. I am allowed to believe what I believe, and blog what I want to blog. I am entitled to my own opinions, and experiences. Gah! If I don't have some sort of release. I'll be angry all of the time. Well, maybe not all of the time. But I'll be irritated with people, and their presence, and they won't even know why. If I can't work out my thoughts on my own time. I can't work out a way to deal with those thoughts in a way to make them constructive instead of; 'Gah! I Hate You!' which is not always true.

Oh Em Gee! This Is So Cliche!

I don't know why I'm so worried about it. It's not like I'm actively seeking him out. It's not as if I am prepared to make all of the changes and sacrifices that come with a commitment. But it still hurts. I am still alone. I can handle that. Most of the time, I am perfectly okay with that fact. But sometimes, The feeling rides on me. It balls itself up in the pit of my stomach, and makes life even more depressing. Not always, but sometimes. Maybe it's because I see how it has worked out for me in the past; meaning: not at all. And how others make it seem so, so, Not easy, but less difficult. I guess there's just that part of me that will always want to be loved and protected. There's that part of me that wants to commit and sacrifice for someone else, for an us factor. regardless if it's now, or not.

Maybe that's why I keep doing this to myself... that's not an answer... Maybe I keep thinking back to past non-possibilities because in my self pity there is desperation. Unfounded desperation, but desperation no less. I want something comfortable, and constant. something I know, but am still curious about. Something mysterious and deep. Something with someone I know that I will always love, AND be friends with. Something real.