-A Copious Sin-

I want to sing out how I feel, I miss you. My mind plays tricks that I need you. Your deceit and lies of trickery, You've dooped me once again. Why I believe you? Why should I need you? You're only the worst thing for me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. After seeing life acted out in stages; I have come to understand. Almost see your meaning. Barely see the man. You've become transparent, A window and a wall, The door to pass my moments through, The end of us and we. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. The music man pleases. Giant squid to my soul, Retracting in horror, Selling my love lusts to the boy, Stealing the moments, The freedom to be. I was not yours to hold, The worst friend to me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin.

Two fifths of the quotient sum.

Today; The Captain started school. I get to be his math teacher! Whoohoo! We also had guitar lessons. Good Times. my fingers are going to cramp though. yikes. I really don't have anything to say right now. I had something in mind, but I seem to have forgotten it. No matter. It probably doesn't matter. There is something though. This Hayride I'm supposed to attend with the Yag boy. He's going as Matt Foley. Matt Foley! Come on! I suppose it fits. The personality he had when I used to know him, like 6, 7 years ago is a perfect match. But I'll most likely be proven correct that he's just another perv. A typical boy; after one thing and one thing only. I can't hate him for it. It's "natural" and all I can do is expect it. If I'm too be proven wrong, That would be a mighty fine thing. Speaking of typical boys... I need someone to tell everything to. I don't have that person, really anymore.

Jazz Hands... Jazz Hands...

Sponge Baths are over-rated. And under-rated. All at the same time. Did you know that it's too early to snow. But NO... it's like, hey let's have some flakes fall from the sky today. It's only the end of October. It's too early. I am Not Over-Reacting! DangNabIt!!! I DO NOT OVERREACT! Just kidding. Obviously. Moving on... We have recently discovered that I may have a hyperactive disorder. That's what they're saying; because I can get really hyper, on nothing. I don't think I'm all that bad though. Probably shouldn't have sugar though. just in case. Sugar... SUGAR!... :)

The On Again Girlfriend, to my former heart.

What a peach! Seriously! It's not the fact that she was a bitch so much as he didn't tell me. I wonder; When I said I hated being used just when I was convenient, that it was an open invitation to take advantage of me in that way. I can't believe that I was cut so hard. One of those things that you can't control how your instant reaction will come out. Like a whole being gouged out with a melon scoop, that's been forged of hatred and jealousy in the fires of your lies. Thank you. I think I can move on now. Even though, I didn't know I'd have to. I was never yours. I take me back from you. You horny F*#ktard! VALEDICTION. Goodbye! I'm actually not as mad as all that now. It's been 3 minutes.

Ulterior Words

I leave you with the fakest true smile The last happiness ruined by your few words The newest lie completes this damage Knowledge compensates the feeling I'm becoming my love, All the ways that I hate.

Why should I miss a bag of crap?

I know that every time this happens; I end up feeling used. I did feel used initially. But I wasn't angry, because I was in a state of shocked confusion. Then it moved on to a type of sorrow, not really self pity though. After that, Loss. Emptiness. Kind of like depression. Then I just felt forgotten, which is a normal state for myself apparently. Now I just feel like I've been used again. And I feel remorse because I totally let it happen. I guess I almost willed it. Do I enjoy this feeling of detachment? I do understand; and have understood, since before the beginning: It's not what it could come across as. Words were never spoken, promises never made, stupidity was the only thing stated. That and the lack of control in the self assertion department. Sad thing; I'd probably let it happen again. That's where forgiveness can't come in. Where there is no repentance there is no change on any side of the table. Rolando said I had it. I guess I do. I just don't want to admit it. To anyone. Actually; that's not true. I want to tell someone. I just don't want anyone to know, because they'll judge me. This fear of being judged is what's kept me in a box my entire life. Now it's just a hindrance to my growth as a healthy human being. Dang Nabit!

Running Man Industries and a one year old blog.

Ok, Ok, ok! When Is Crap Holy? When the Pope poops it! And right now. I forgot. This was the only thing scheduled for today! I was supposed to write an anniversary blog. Today is the Anniversary of my blog. It's been 1 year! WhooHoo! Woopty Frickin' Doo. I know, Right. Moving on! I have decided to create a mission for Running Man Industries. I will also create stationary, a capabilities brochure, and an applications manual. I've already designed the hang tags, some of the merchandise, and of course, the logo. Therefore creating some of the style guides in doing so. I'm excited. Should be fun. And then it can go in my portfolio. Just need to make it a little more official. Party on Wayne! RMI will soon be a reality, and not just a sticker I put on everything!

How Much Would I Pay To NOT See This, is the correct question.

OK, I know I've texted people about this already, but I'm kinda excited about it. Did you know that Alcohol is cheaper here! Seriously. Larry and I got 2 mixed drinks, that would have cost us at least $12 in Orange County, was only $5.50 in Jefferson County. That is $2.25 a drink. The down side to mixed drinks being so cheap, is they are pretty much the worst thing ever. I am quite certain that I've never had a Whiskey Sour worse than that one. Even the One I got in Berlin was better, and that was pretty much a tall glass of Whiskey with a little sour mix, on the rocks. Yep. But the Beer is also cheaper. I had 3 drinks on $10. And Then... Not that I care; but there is smoking in bars here still. Not all bars I hear, but the ones we went to Last night there is. Also, I did notice; I don't believe I've ever been in a bar with a dance floor, with so few people dancing. And I don't believe I've ever seen so many bad dancers in one place. Not just the trashy white girls; but everyone. And those that "could dance" were the slutty whore type, and that was just uncalled for. Totally Uncalled For! I knew that girl in High School, and all I remember was she was on my cheerleading squad, and she was nasty as all get out. Granted it was really dark in there, but Stereotypes die hard. And they were born somewhere... Trailer trash anyone. OK that was mean. But I'm gernerally a mean person. I'm Histerically funny, but mean. Save for when I'm being too nice in the wrong situations.

Do you smell well?

Your senses are amazing things. How they can regurgitate a memory so easily. Not just sight, but all of them. Smell expecailly, tied in with say touch. or taste tied with something else. Yesterday, I was sitting on the porch steps with Larry, in the dark, Drinking a berry beer. It was so cold too. It felt like Berlin, because we'd done just that in Berlin. Save for; it wasn't Larry. We went out to Magnet Club one night, and we all shared German Sebastian's Cherry beer before going in. It was early December, and after 10pm so it was cold, and late. And then, when I use my face moisturizer; I also think of waking up in Berlin. Because that's where I started using it, I supose. Ah! the memories. Another thing that's been ever increasingly pressing in my memory; is brought on by smell. I don't think anything else is involved here. Just smell. But everyonce in a while I'll get a wiff, and wham! I back on Buzzy's couch. wierd. I smell Buzzy's couch. A couch! why? I have slept on that couch numerous times, so it is valid that I should know the smell. But, why? why do I smell it here? it's not exactly a pleasent smell, but it's not dirty or disturbing either. Hard to put my finger on it. On another note (sorta), I want to create new, good, memories with all of my friends. I think it would be fun to go to NewYork with one or two of them. Since I need to go and check out the school before I apply, I thought it would be fun to kill a few birds with one stone. Think about it. Memories are more fun than stuff anyway.

I have a great relationship with your voicemail; it always listens.

I do not read. I like to read. I don't just claim to know how. I actual do. Lots of people don't like to read. Or at least they tell me they do not. I try to accommodate them. However, I can not always do this. The written word is a great form of communication. Speaking is also a great form of communication. But I'll take what I can get with certain people. That's another thing. If someone asked you to call them. Do you think they meant it? Or do they just call and say call me back based on rhetoric? Hey, I'm just calling because I need to run something by you, but it's okay if you don't call me back and this is never resolved. I just had the greatest Idea ever I want to tell it to your machine and then from here on in keep it locked up to myself. I think that would be the best. I also wonder if people understand written sarcasm. Do then get it when it's in the 160 characters worth of space dedicated to a text message? Do people understand that I communicate with them because I appreciate their personal input and care generally about their opinion and time. I do understand time. I'd waste less of it with feedback. Call Me.

Running Twice, dripping and tripping thrice.

I really hate feeling sick. I knew this would happen. When I lived here, two things would happen at least twice every year. When the weather made a drastic change I Break out! Nasty! and then at any given time during the fall, spring, or randomly throughout the year, I would get sick. I know the symptoms, I know they start well before I actually get sick, and I'm always helpless to stop or change it. So; day after the plain (damnit Steve!) plane, I feel it coming. Then it went away for awhile. But it's back again. I have aches and pains, and don't feel like doing anything. Sleeping on the floor and on uncomfortable couches recently hasn't helped much either. Also having been out of work, and being restless to do some is not helping either. I require structure! I need a schedule, Deadlines! This is awful. and not like Full of Awe, more of a dreadful terrible thing!

I believe in make shift plans and arbitrary talk

There are a lot of things different here. Like the people, the air quality, mannerisms, the pace. I love the city. I am going to cry without the necessary structure and speed of my everyday life (formerly) and that's bad. It's not all bad. I like... being in charge of scheduling... being a decision maker... visiting the city... having good friends... but seriously, I don't think I'll be able to handle this for very long. Unless I can find a way to focus. But in order to do this, I will become a control freak. Granted; I already am one, so this will just be worse. I can create a daily schedule for work at least, and attempt to make everyone keep to it. I require structure. I want people to be able to make their own decisions and keep them. I want a faster pace. I need to work. Not working is ok for a while, but not this long. And not having structure is good; when I understand it. Like when I'm with Buzzy, Generally, I know that we'll sit around and waste a day or two away. But I know this, and am ok with it. Basically, that becomes the plan. no matter how frustrating it can be to do nothing, spending time with friends is more important than schedules. However, if I'm going to be party to the system which creates drones, zombies, and lazy ass bums; I want no part in it. and will do everything humanly possible within or without my power to change it. Thank you and good night!

The first half of a bad third

OK, I was originally coming here, now, to tell of all the things that I'll miss about California, and all the things that are weird, strange, or just simply different here. However; there is one thing that has seemingly followed me here, and can at times be admittedly worse. A young gent I tend to call my Teenage brother. Thank you for being the most obnoxiously indecisive aggravating bad bad kid I know. Do you really think that I do not know of your follies? Do you really believe that I am so inanely naive that I do not or can not fathom the intents that you desire to fulfill as a maverick of unnecessary mischief and stupidity? Thank you. Now on to something else... How's about how absolutely bonkers it is that I was so utterly excited for the minute happenings of this past Friday night. All alone one lonely victory dance of unimaginable proportions; being had by myself. Yay! I can't really say more than that. Other than to simply state that certain tests taken previously with certain results have been proven wrong, and another test is no longer needed. Also that I've noticed that when one thing happens "emotionally" another does ... "psychologically" and that is all. I do believe that I will begin another post now. I do this due to the fact that I'm not saying anything, save for large and unneeded words in this post you read presently.

I've not seen you for a Fort Knight

So, since I've been here, all of 12 hours. (just kidding) I have noticed there are several things I'm going to miss, or am not accustomed to. I will miss sanitary seat covers in public restrooms. and seriously! what is all this fresh air stuff. Also, I know no one, and I know about nothing to do. I don't have anyway to network, or get connected. I'm already restless. I need things to happen. I like it when things are moving. I can be really irritable when things just aren't happening. When I am needing something to happen, and then they just aren't. Ugh! I think I need to make things happen, but I can't, because I personally lack the means to do so. I miss Moose! and Leaf! awe! how obscenely sentimental. Oh well. Sojourn on! And I'm sorry RissaLa, I really tried; but I still don't like My Best Friends Wedding. For different reasons now. but still. So I leave you with this. knock knock, "who's there?" "Ooze" "Ooze who?" "Ooze in Charge 'round Here?"

Oops I Crapped My Pants!

So I already said this a thousand times before. Moose is too confusing for me. He's just so, so... Uuugh! I'm not really sure. I said I'd always be his friend, and I do mean that. It's just, I didn't know that it would be all this confusing and heart wrenching all of the time. Oh well. But on to better things, or different things at least. In order to commemorate my leaving and moving on to different places. Noting that I will be unable to use the excuse "I live here, I can do that some other time" and am therefore running out of time here. I have agreed to one of the stupidest things in my life. I'm going to Knott's Scary Farm. I'm going to need some depends, Some Oops I Crapped My Pants. Not cool. I watch the news covering Knotts every year, and I get scared, I talk about clowns and zombies, and freak myself out. I can't watch scary movies. Like that "scary movie" I watched with Rocky, it wasn't scary, the ending was retarded beyond all reason, but while I watched it, I scared myself silly. I have an over active imagination at the worst possible times. No good!

wish me luck!?