Talking to Stargazers

cir·cum·stance - noun

1.a condition, detail, part, or attribute, with respect to time, place, manner,agent, etc., that accompanies, determines, or modifies a fact or event; a modifying or influencing factor: Do not judge his behavior without considering every circumstance.

The circumstances of life define who we are, and what we become. Not definitively. We do need to use circumstances to our benefit. However; if we do not have to opportunity for some circumstances, we have no way to grow from the experiences that they create. If I had been afforded other leisure's in life, the circumstances of my existence would have changed, and therefore would have changed me.

For instance, if i would never had met Rocky, I would not have had some of the life experiences that I have experienced with him. If the circumstances had changed. Say; I wasn't proficient in Microsoft office, so I hadn't tested out of it, I would have been on time to class, and would not have been seated next to him.I would have been early, and knowing me, I would have seated myself somewhere nearer to the center of the room. A neutral position. Or If I had not been walking through the hall in HS that day, like I wasn't supposed to be. I never would have found the postcard to inquire about the school. Suppose I had had friends in HS and hadn't needed to find someplace solitary to be alone during lunch time? I would still possibly not have some of those friends that I made in college. I may have not attended that school. Suppose I'd not had my tooth broken when I was in the 2nd grade, Perhaps my peers would not have made fun of me, and I might have been able to make friends because I wouldn't have looked like a freak. Suppose I'd never moved out of Barstow to Wisconsin. Suppose I'd never fallen out of the car and had to go to the hospital? Suppose that lady at the campground had never bought me a pair of $100 shoes. What if I'd tried harder at some things? What if I'd been more outspoken? What if I'd been a little more confident? What if I hadn't been so insightful? What if I paid attention to the what ifs and continually looked at what I could have done different? Then I wouldn't be who I am. This contemplating the past thing takes on a real snowball effect, and barrels in on itself. It calls for pondering after pondering of what could have been; if only. Which is useless, You can not change the past. You can, however; learn from it. I'm glad I made the decisions I made in life. Some things, in retrospect, I wish didn't have to happen for me to learn, but I don't regret anything. I am grateful for my circumstance. I intend to take each circumstance as a gift and be who I will become.

236 missed times to say what I feel...

Wow 236 posts. I've gone from topic to topic, and from trend to trend. The last... 3 and a half years(?) have been interesting. I went from no readers to the occasional reader, to an avid reader and back to occasional readers. I don't really have a point yet, but maybe I'll come up with one. I started this when I was 21 years old. I am now 24. I have a few of the same friends. Some of them took a break from me, some of them are friendships in new or different capacities now. I've had a lot of new life experiences since I turned 21 too. Like I went to Berlin, I traveled out of this country on my own. I've been homeless, and lived in Orange County. I've driven a Cadillac and had to donate my car to charity because the transmission went kaput. I have learned things about others. And made discoveries about myself. I've graduated from College. And I've found the type of best friend I've always wanted. I recorded a few songs, and performed a concert. I've been management, and jobless. I've waited tables, and a designer, and a retailer, and an entrepreneur. I've had 'love' and I've lost. I've been heart broken, and been resolute. I've made some art, and taken some classes. I've laughed a lot, and cried a few times. I've spent quality time with family, and suffered great loss. I've changed a lot. But somehow, I feel that I'm the same in many ways. I still fall for the same lines from certain people. I still am naive enough to trust people who aren't trustworthy. I've lost some bitterness, but have gained some new cynicisms, so I feel that they even out. I still feel insignificant at times. I also still feel inadequate at my chosen profession. On the other hand lots of things have changed. Like; I want some different things for my life now. I won't get into that now though... mostly because I don't really know if that is what I want... I'm going to stop now. I've completely lost my train of thought.

If you snear at me, I'll sick my fraidy dog on you.

First I can't find the cooking oil, so my dinner is drowned in butter instead. And I was told to fend for myself for dinner, so that is what I was doing, and then; She who told me to fend for myself, brings me home half a sandwich. I already make more than enough every time I cook, and still eat it all. And I can't not eat what was brought to me. So I'm over stuffed. I don't usually eat that much anymore. Not to mention, I had a large bagel sandwich for lunch. With all the fixin's. I'm not complaining. I am grateful for the sandwich. It was tasty. And my food was good too... But bleh... 

I also couldn't find bed risers, or face paint today. Not too big a loss in the grand scheme of things. But frustrating none the less. I had free time to devote to creativity, and I had no ideas that did not include either one of those items. Mostly the face paint. Granted; I have not used it in quite some time, and we've moved since then, not to mention, I've moved a few times since then. But alas, I still wanted it.

I have also figured out the standard size charts. I don't know if everyone knows this, but some time ago; between my mother's childhood, and mine; They changed American sizes. This confused me a lot with pattern making. My materials were printed prior to the change. Hahaha... I was so confused. Thinking "I don't wear a 16... or a 14." Turns out, a 10 now was a 16 then. And a 10 then, is now a 4. Mom! You weren't Fat! You wore a 4!

So, Now that I have a size chart that makes sense to me, I'm going to start on standard sizes. Yay! I've also come up with some prices for that vintage stuff I can sell, I still need to go through it though. I have to decide what I want to keep. If anything. I still feel that I'm unqualified to work in my degree field, but if I can make this business thing fly, I won't have to. Uber exciting. 

I also have to get ready for this party. Which will have more than 2 people! It will Gall-Darn-It! Muahahahahahahaha! 

I digress.

La Primera Untitled

So this is the first poem I've written about/for/because of Soulshoes... funny, it's so short, and not what I would have expected. But these things kinda just come on us suddenly. I've also not been able to title it. There may be more in me to come eventually. I hope it helps with the numbness that lies there. Anywho; Without further adieu:

- -

I'm not sure why the water wells
Behind my eyes it does swell
I see your name and falter some
For all that we cannot become.

30 years of dust sheds light on an idea.

I am pretty sure; I have enough vintage accessories to open up an Etsy shop. One that would then finance a start up RunningMan clothing line. I have so so much costume jewelery, gloves and scarves from Bossie, Aunt Pat, and Aunt Jeanette combined, that I could, if I could bring myself to part with it, sell it as vintage, and make money. I might go through it, and choose my favorite, and those things that I'd actually use, and then sell the rest. That's a good idea if I would ever do it. I also need to decide what I'm going to do about this dress I designed. What sizes should I make? I have enough green material to make several green dresses. After I perfect the pattern I made for my yellow dress, I could then make 'standard' sizes and sell those as RunningMan originals. Ooooh, that sounds good. But which sizes do I make? I have to draw up a  pattern for each. I guess I can go by the sizes from the book, but they're European from back in the day. So I could figure it out comparably to what they would be today. But I still need to decide which sizes to make? 4? 6? 10? 14? The sizes in the book are listed as; 8-22. But it also said I'm from an 8 - 16 depending on the measurement. And even then, the book is from back in the day, so it's a different fit. ... hmmmmm... I dunno, I'll figure it out eventually. Sooner would be better than later so that I can purchase the right size zippers. etc. But I do think I will sell some of my vintage/antique stuff here sooner. I've also been told I should sell some of my art as well, and not just have it all over my room for only me to see... but art is so hard to both part with, and price appropriately. More thinking and decisions to make.

Now I'm alone... left in the darkness, setting within.

This will be the ... millionth Saturday in a row that I've had nothing to do. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But seriously. I do nothing, Ever. I'm not really the sort to invite myself out places, nor am I one to instigate or go alone. I am wary of other people and their plans that they may have already made, and I never assume that people have the time or energy to be spent willy nilly on me. I am not really complaining. I enjoy the alone time. It's just become a humdrum aloneness that leaves me feeling meh. I guess I'm better off being alone. Doing everything alone. There's less to give up that way. And I know what to expect. I don't have to interfere with making plans, and breaking plans if one plan disrupts another plan. I can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, to do whatever is beckoned of me by family or whatever it is that I think I am in need of. Being alone gives way to sounding like I'm very selfish. I don't have to worry about anyone else's schedule. That is until I actually have something to do. Then it's five thousand things at once. And then I can't accommodate all or everyone because I'm out of practice. I think I should have one friend that I do everything with. Oh wait, I had that. But it didn't end well. I'm going to go back to being alone now. Maybe think this out a little bit more, so that it seems a bit more concrete. Merky mehrky meh bleh blah.

You don't have to say you love me just because I have.

There a lot of things that I want to say allot of the time. But I never seem to say them. I think I don't say them because I'm afraid of what the other person(s) will do in retaliation, or how they will react. If it's not what's expected of me, will I be shunned from them? Then there's the idea of: if they react badly, maybe they're in denial of the truth. Or if I find out I'm wrong, I'll have to apologize. I don't think this is coherent. Maybe it's that there's a part of me that doesn't want to summon disappointment in me, or for others. I don't want to loose what I have, or for circumstances to change for the worse. I think it's funny that some people like about me, one of the things that I fear to do, because I do it. I suppose that I do do it sometimes, and that is where the reputation comes from. But I am only able to do it when I think I know what the outcome will be, and I perceive it to be positive. And of course, I can say whatever I want here, and not worry too much about what I've said, and how it was taken. Until I feel the retribution of someone's feelings getting hurt or what not. 

I can give advice, and tell those who ask for it, what is what. I can direct people on the path they should be on when I feel that they won't blame me if it goes wrong, or if I'm sure I'm right. I can help other people with their problems. the problems that for myself I'm afraid to ask about or fix. Because I have those same problems that others have. But I don't take my advice and act on them as I say they should. But then, do I really know what it is that I should be doing. Or am I merely attributing the scenarios as being the same? It must be true that we as people, see in others our greatest faults. Maybe that's why I can be so helpful. I see in others what I would fix of myself. 

I really should try to go back to bed. But I couldn't sleep then, that's why I'm up. 

Why are true feelings so hard to communicate? Why can't we tell people that their life decisions might be detrimental to their future? I know if people where more honest, I might not have been in some of the predicaments that I've gotten into. But then again, I'm odd, and usually ask for advice where it's not given. I don't want everyone in my life to please me. Yes, I'd like to be pleased some of the time, but what happened to hard knocks? Why can't anyone tell it like it is? 

I can't tell it like it is, because I'm not sure of what it is. But I can tell what I perceive. And I can be wrong.

Birthday Wishes Listed For the Clueless

I've decided what I want for my birthday. Besides of course, my always wanting: to spend time with friends. But seeing as I rarely get that, I've come up with a list of stuff type things:

- Cork. I love bulletin boards. Cork by itself lends itself to creativity. But I love bulletin boards. And despite my love for them, I don't have one here.

- Push Pins. To go with the bulletin board, or cork.

- Music. This is always on the list of stuff type things. I always want more. 

That's all for the specific things, but I do have a general idea of what I like: 

- Sewing stuff. If I'm going to start a clothing line, I can always use more.

- Art stuff. An artist can always use this. 

- Gift Cards. If you don't know what to get me. And don't want to spend quality time with me. I'd appreciate some sort of acknowledgment. Mostly I kid.

- Other things I like include: Pirates, Elephants, Learning new stuff, German, Italian, Water crackers, Salsa dancing, Stripes, polka dots, Cowboys, Music, Shelves, and girl stuff I usually don't buy myself.

- Spending time with my friends. (this is year round that I want this, but especially on my birthday)

Despite how it may sound. I am not selfish. I'm just putting this out there. After all; this is my train of thought.

Just another Sad Country Song.

I don't want this. I need you.  Need you to own what you want. Own what you choose.

I'm just sitting here, minding my own business. Then I lend a friendly ear. and you break my heart again. The decision is yours. The decision was always yours. Yours to break me in the first place. It's your prerogative to choose what you think is best. But don't make a decision based on what you think will be best for me, without my input. Maybe what I want isn't what you think will be best for me. 

But then again. Maybe I need to move on. and let you live in regret. 

This is why I stopped listening to Country songs. They're too sad, and speak to me too closely. Have me making up scenarios again. Everything but the part about my heart breaking again, that is.

Quoting Myself for a Pep Talk

It wasn't as bad as I thought. I wasn't expecting it, but what did happen wasn't all that surprising either. In other words; I knew it was a possibility. I'd dreamt about it recently, and some of the facts of my dream to reality have been the same. Not entirely, or in the same caliber, but similar. But I don't know what to expect now that it's happened. I suppose I should take from what's happened in the past, and use that as guidelines as what to expect. That knowledge won't make it any easier though. And I don't know how long it'll last. Other times have been so variant in lengths, I wouldn't know where to call the medium. I guess I can just take it for what I get now, and be ok when it's done again. After all, wasn't I the one who said: "And to you until the end, I will always be a friend." Yep. That was me. And the end isn't close yet. The end is when I end. I don't plan on that any time soon.

I only utter profanities at your expense.

Damn It all to Hell! What was that?!

I really had no idea you still had that effect on me. You and your stupid name. You send me into a spasm of tears. Stupid you. Stupid Love. Stupid Name.

Just give me a minute to breathe. We aren't friends, so it doesn't matter. We don't communicate. But now I know where to find you. I know your mother's address. I know your employer. I know your MySpace address. I even know your phone number, it's burned in my brain. But now that I know where to find you always. I don't think I can handle that. It's bad enough that I live this close and have restrained myself from trying to keep the promise of friendship to you that I made. Why?!

I can do this. Just don't think about it anymore. I'll be good. 

I think I didn't really react as bad as I typed out. But it was fun over-venting!

Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady

After some deliberation I've come to this conclusion: I am not always going to be talkative. Some of you are now taken aback I'm sure. "No! Not possible." you say. But it is true. I think that if you are truly comfortable enough with someone, they're a person that you can just BE with. Yes, fun times should also ensue. You should be able to talk and get along, and have oodles to say. But if you can also be comfortable not filling all of the silences together, that's good too. 

Plus, I'm a little shy, and I don't always know what to say. Whether it be because I'm feeling intimidated, or I merely just don't know what to say. 

Another thing is: I, like most girls, want someone who'll fight for me. Will try to pursue me. So, maybe he's still out there, and just hasn't found me yet. I'm not too worried that it will happen. It's not my timing to decide. 

SO; I'm settling for finding good friends for now. 

On the other hand: If I'm given enough sugar, or carbohydrates, or caffeine, I will be talkative... but that's just being hyper.

Nothing Profoundly Spoken

I had something really profound I wanted to say, but I decided that I should not get out of bed again. So I didn't. Now I'm not 100% about what it was.

I don't like stuff. knick knacks make me angry. Not having them. It's the stuff that means nothing that just sits there and takes up space and collects dust. The stuff in the junk drawer that is useless. The stuff that you don't even know you have it until you see it again. The "oh look at this, it's so cool..." stuff that is nothing. That's the stuff I don't like.

When I have children. If one of them turns out crazy... They will not be in charge.
I don't think I'm completely attached to the city anymore. I could really live anywhere. I'm not set on living in any location. Nothing has me tied. I could live in the country, I could live off the grid, I could live in a high-rise. I'm very adaptable. I also don't think I'm tied to having any specific work. I do think I should work for a living, make an earning. I think I could even do well as a stay at home. That doesn't mean that I don't want to do RunningMan Industries. On the contrary; I do. But the origins of it may be different. And the running of it may take a different coarse than I'd originally imagined. 

I'm kinda bummed that I've not been able to find work yet. Ok, I'm really bummed. I feel very inadiquate and useless because of it. That's not cool. I've both willing and able to perform any profession I've applied to. I also want to learn more. 

I've also not been able to pay my bills since I've had no income. That makes me very nervous, and upset. I really want to pay those that I'm indebted to. But as of right now. That's an impossibility. Which in turn makes it more difficult to find work because it effects my credit score, which employers look at to hire. I seriously need to find some sort of employment. 

This really has nothing to do with the profound point I was going to make, but eh. 

Adding whole branches to a tree

The wedding was good. It was fun. And a little strange. We've gotten this whole new family, not just one more member... a whole slew. Good, fun people too. Not pretentious in the slightest. Which makes me think: Why don't I know my own family this well? Is it due to pretense? Is it some sort of deterrent based on a family affiliation? I know I'd like to know them more, even if I don't fit that well. But relationships, are not one way. Both parties need to at least be interested in it. I would like to at least make an attempt though, so that the offer is out there. So I now have to decide: do I go up north to see my mom's new family, whom I already know I get along with, and are fun. Or do I head back to Indy to see my dad's family whom I've 'known' my whole life, but still don't really know... decisions decisions. I also don't have that long to choose. Both take place on Pie's birthday. Poor him. And technically, I could choose either at this point; I still am not working. I have all the time in the world. 

Lately I've been spending that time a little more frivolously. Well, just this week. Up until last weekend, I was dealing with family things; funeral, burial, visitors, wedding, etc. But this week, I got me a bit of a sunburn. Only a bit though, it doesn't hurt. only when I scratch my leg where it's red in the tungsten light. It's a little uneven, and I don't really know how that happened. I laid out evenly. but one of my legs has two lines and the other has the appropriate 4. I'm glad I laid out when I did though. I think I'm getting whatever Joseph had yesterday. Whohoo! Spring Cold! Speaking of spring fever; I've been in the mood to bake lately. What is that? I made chocolate zucchini cupcakes (thank you Robin) the other day, and frosted them with cream cheese frosting. They're a little dry. But good none-the-less. I was thinking of trying my hand at a layer cake, and homemade butter frosting (via Erica's direction) But I don't know if I will. We should probably finish off the cupcakes before I start another confectionery treat.

I think I'm just rambling now, I start sneezing about a minute into this, now my head feels like it's starting to congest. I'm going back to bed. Yeah, that sound good. a little warm/hot, but gooder than this wooden chair.