What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm not even worthy of an explanation? Is my ambiguity in some things coming back to bite me? Why? I don't understand this. I know that this will work out for good in the end; But that doesn't mean I understand why it happens when it does, or why it does. The unexplained 180 shift in people leaves me hurt and more cynical. Which is only worse in the long run. Why am I a person who cares so much? What do I do to deserve this from people? Yes, they are only people, and they do what's good for themselves. Do the words I chose turn around to stab me? Am I misunderstood to a point where it's too difficult to discover the truth by asking. In a way; it's good to be hurt so soon. Rather than have the pain cut too deep. But why do I care so much so soon. What did I do?
This is going to be super repetitive. But heart cries often are.
Is it because I wear my heart on my digital sleeve? Is it because I don't keep a secret diary, but rather a web log? Is that too much for people to handle when they read into what I say? Where do I begin to get better when I don't even know how I'm worse? Why have I been blindsided by this? Why can I no longer sleep again? I honestly thought I was doing better. I was mending and forgetting my cynical side more. Why whenever I get to that point where I'm almost standing; am I swiped at, lose my balance and fall of the edge again? Is it because I didn't have tears when I was born? Am I making up for lost months? Did you give me these tears so that I can always cry them?
I'm not going to wallow in a pit of desperation and try to reclaim what's not even mine. I only want to know why it always goes down like this. Who am I? What am I? What am I supposed to be? Where do I go? Where do I fit? I want to contribute to this life. But I'm barely surviving. I want to live. I can't live if I'm continually cut down without explanation. That would make me insane. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I should just give up. But what is there to give up? There's nothing left, short of becoming a street urchin.
This one hurts. I don't understand it. I'm so tired. Maybe if I could sleep. The rest would bring some perspective. Maybe I would know where to find the answers then. Right now, I read random things; and they make no sense to me. They're all the logic of my upbringing, but they're not true to me, except for the fact that I know them to be true. How do I bridge that gap? How do I get from knowledge to KNOWING? How do find out what no one can tell me?
No comments:
Post a Comment