Lately I feel that I've been trying to be more reflective. I'm not sure if this is chosen reflection or forced reflection. But it is reflection no less. All of this reflecting is making me feel terrible. I am terrible. I feel terrible. What have I accomplished? I had moved out, but then I believed lies and such, wound up homeless, and had to move back home, where I have less to show for myself, save for more cynicism and a longing to leave. I had purchased my own car, it was mine, I owed nothing, but it had issues and I believed my mechanic and it just kept getting worse and worse I ended up paying for it twice over until all that was left was to donate it to charity, and now I only borrow my mom's car, and it is dying around me. I Got my bachelors degree, and took a job 'under the table' got laid off, and therefore have no real experience so no one will hire me, making it so I have to work retail, which I despise, with people who don't understand my situation and make assumptions, which only reflect back on me as being unworthy to work in my field because I'm just a cashier now... I could go on, and I probably will. I do not care for southern California. There is NO reason to be here, except I can't be anywhere else.
The next problem I face, besides not being able to find work, and not being able to provide for myself on any level is this: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I don't understand how I got here. I only suppose it has something to do with me letting people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I may be pretty, I may have some brains, but they mean squat if you can't talk yourself up, and sell it as a product. I can't be what everyone wants me to be. That only builds stress and wears me thin, and crushes me down. I want to know what I'm good for if anything. Dear GOD! Who am I supposed to be?!
No comments:
Post a Comment