Hello New Year! If I had written a new years post any sooner than right now; it would have been inherently negative. I had back pain. I was feeling sickly. I was upset with one friend, and miffed by another. I was feeling insecure, alone, forgotten, used, and taken advantage of. You may ask: How could you define this year so terribly on the fifth day in? I would then answer: because it's carried over from previously. And last year wasn't all that great either. I'm not going into that detail anymore right now though; I expressed my distaste for it back in November at least once. Then of course the next question you would undoubtedly want a response for is: why is it a would have been? I would then smile at you bemusedly and say something completely vague and/or misleading. Then you'd look at me quizzically and probably walk away miffed and or frustrated. So instead of going through all that; I'm writing this out so you dont' have the opportunity to ask of me such trivial questions.
There is no real reason why my mood has dramatically changed today. I don't think this year will be better because it is simply a new year. I do however, have hope that it can be better. Yes; things can always get worse; and I might be in another foul mood in a day or so, but right now I'm hopeful and happy ish. I'm going to attribute this partially to the fact that I was able to sleep uninterrupted for an extended period of time today. Though, my back wasn't hurting directly after that; it is starting to ache once more. Not at the level it once was, and I hope that it's only stress related. But it has subsided it's ferocity of attack. I'm also able to breathe fully through my nose and hardly feel the need to cough up my lungs in more recent hours. I was also useful today. I accomplished a small feat. I went grocery shopping and made dinner. These may sound like menial tasks and some people do this on the daily. I am not those people. My circumstances do not beg of me to be so domestic. It was a hint of a routine I do not have, but would like to possess.
There is a part of me that would like to be able to have the opportunity to struggle through life successfully. To have the experiences that I'm missing out on. I'd like to have a job that I worked for, something that stimulates my brain. I want to take my work home with me, and have to plan out my meals so that I can do my shopping in a timely manner, and leave my shoes in the living room, and set up my desk wherever I please. Look at me; I'm rambling and not making sense. Again.
I am thankful that I was taken in by my aunt when I was, if she hadn't taken me in; I don't know what would have happened. I am glad I can live here where I am, and I'm not being forced out, because I can't even afford this. I am thankful that I have use of my mother's vehicle. Without it; I couldn't even be working the terrible job that I do have. I am thankful for so much.
And yet; There is so much that I wish I was better at. I fret sometimes over my disposition and the faults of my personality. I'm not the best: I'm generally average. and I am no good at talking myself up. I don't know what I'm on about now. My thoughts are too disconnected to keep them straight.
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