Yesterday I made a few... discoveries about myself... or something. Things that I may have already known, but choose not to think about; and things that I brainstormed.
One of these ascertainment's is that I don't really do well with people all the time. Not that I'm completely anti-social. I do have friends, I am not outgoing though. And I am not a people person. That face is a facade. I'm good at acting like a people person if I put my mind to it. But I don't think I really am. I would be happy pushing paperwork full time, and then being creative an running my company in the rest of my time.
There is a part of me that still wants to have a group of friends, but after almost 24 years, the likelihood of that happening and sticking and them being real/true friends is slim. I'll take what I get, and appreciate them for what they are. Good friends.
A second thing goes along with that first thing. Kinda. I don't think I'm going to look for 'love' I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. All I know is that I want to be like best friends with the person I end up with. (and I'd like them to be a bit taller than me.) Not that I was looking for 'love' but my eyes were open to it more than ever. I'm going back to living life.
Another thing came up in church. I have spent a lot of my time helping myself understand what it is that I'm not. Those things that come up, the insecurities that come from how people treat me on the day to day. It says I am those things, and I know I'm not. But I have failed to know what it is that I am. I am not inadequate. I'm not good at everything. I'm not just another pretty face. I'm not ugly, or mediocre, or useless. I could really go on. But what am I... I am me. But what does that mean.
That means I have a lot to figure out before I move on. I'm not even 100% on what I want to do anymore. That may be from discouragement due to a few things though...
I am not confident.
Not in everything. Not in all the things I should be.
I also realized that I like to learn/be taught by step by step instruction. Like that time at the airport when I was like 11. I didn't know what to do so I freaked out. But it turned out fine. And that time at the airport in Germany when I was 21. I didn't understand so I freaked. There are so many things that I've not taken advantage of in life because I don't understand or know about them. I know that I want to be led in life. Work my way up to leader. But not the top. Except in the case of my company. Who knows, maybe I'll put someone else in charge down the road.
For now though, I may change my name. I have this idea for a sketch/note book. I think I can also make it myself. I may need get it printed somewhere else. But I can make it myself.
I think I strayed from the topic a bit here. But then again; what's new.
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