after 2am: Pissed, Crying and Bearing my Soul

I hate it here. I want to go home. But mom's apartment is not home either. I don't want to take it anymore. I don't want to be the adult. I can't hold it together anymore. I don't think I can do it. I just want to run away from it all. I'm overwhelmed.

I want someone else to stand up and make the decisions. To be the bigger person. I'm tired of being better. Maybe I want to be worse. Not just better, and then forgotten. I'm tired of the pretenses that others have for me, I'm tired of trying to live up to them. I'm tired of expectations. I'm tired of being the one who cares.

I'm upset that I've not been taught the way to be and am expected to be it correctly. I'm tired of the vicious circles.

I can't pay my bills. I want to, but I can't. I can't find a job to help me. I'm not good enough.

I am tired of feeling unwanted and unloved. Of feeling in the way. Like I'm just taking up un-valuable space, that could be better used by something else just as useless.

I want to have friends. I don't want to be a babysitter.

I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of Pam. I want to be there for her. But she's drained me. One more inch, and I'll snap. And we won't be friends again. and then Merh will take her side, I'll be the evil one, and that will take the Hobbit, then JoeCool, then Grandma... etc. Then I won't be able to be there for Toddly. Why did she have to name him that?! I hate it. I hate SH. I hate that Pam won't just leave him. She doesn't believe in herself enough to actually leave him like she says she will. I HATE all of her words. I hate that she has no action. I hate that she takes everything personally, and everything with her is a one way street. I hate that Toddly is being raised by a drama queen.

...

I hate not having control over anything. I hate not having a home. I hate being confused. I Hate.

I love my mom, I love my dad, and my siblings. I love the rest of my family, And I love my 'friends' more than they like me.

I feel so drained and empty.

I'm frustrated by broken promises, and people going back on their word. By my weight.

I want someone to actually care without ulterior motives. without judging me.

I need a hug.

Your (not so)'Perfect' me.

-Me-