Lately, I'm not online all of the time, so I type out blogs to post in Word, and then I don't get on to post them. And I also don't post all of them. The time in between some of them is a good thing I think. A few of them no longer hold much relevance. If I had posted them, some persons might have flown off the handle... Which, when I started this thread is what I wanted to avoid. But life changes, and I still want to avoid those things. I just feel that not all of my thoughts are free to flow here as they once were... Not that I'm people pleasing, but I want to spare feelings in the sense that my thoughts aren't always in context. Blah blah blah; So I just decided that I'm going to post the four posts from the other evening that I wrote. I will put them all in this post, even though they've already been resolved, and are mostly moot points now. :
I like how you love me.
I’m not sure this should be posted for all to see. I don’t want it to be taken out of context, or read into too deeply. If I really want to say something out loud, hopefully I’ll have enough guts to say it out loud. I would hope I wouldn’t keep imperative truths to myself. And what follows I do not want to be read as a: Me to You statement where in I state that I want to and am just using you. That is NOT what is true. I don’t think it is right for me to think in the way of wanting to go off and find myself, and you have to wait for me. I couldn’t do that to anyone. But I would hope that if I discovered I’m wrong you’d forgive me. Not that it would ever come to that. Alright; enough of my pre-justification… here are my thoughts as they leaked:
I love how you love me. That’s nothing. There is no more than “I like the way you like me.” Or “I like how you like me” or “it makes me happy that I make you happy” Those are nothing statements. It is round. And it’s therefore conditional. What If I no longer make you happy, if; for instance there is a day in time that I make you angry? Will it then anger me that I make you angry? That’s not what I’m getting at. I think I’m missing a step. ‘It makes me happy that I make you happy when I’m happy.’ There it is. If I am not happy, nobody’s happy. I am only happy if it pleases me that I make you happy, and if I’m not happy that I make you happy, then you are no longer happy. It’s all dependant on me and my state of mind. If I’m just people pleasing, then I’m not truly happy. Therefore no one is. It’s a false happiness. Unless of course it’s the fact of my existence that makes you happy, or it’s true that me happy makes you happy. Then would you still want to be happy if I were happy with someone else? Is there room for me to try? The bells and whistles seem to be apparent for you. I’ve never heard them. Am I wrong to stay and not try to hear them? Am I destined to never find them? Does it matter that what I’m settling for is not my type. Is that reason for my hesitation? Is that the reason I’ve just used the word ‘settle’? I need to say something if I really believe that this is settling. It can’t be that easy? Choose the first one to press the chat button? Come on! The cynicism in me begs for me to reconsider the entire movement. But then what if I’m wrong? What if this is right? What if there is no better and I’m not settling? But what if the hesitation at thinking that this is settling is due only in part to hormones? I don’t think any of this when the moments are heated. Or when we are arm in arm. It’s only when I see your face, and examine who you are in personality and presence. Maybe it’s because you like me so much, and are not afraid to show it. Maybe I’m freaking myself out because of my cynicism. But maybe not. I’m so confused. I’ve quite possibly confused confusion again. There’s a part of me that wants to just settle for what I already have. But what I have tends to freak me out at times. What if I choose not to settle, and what I thought could be better never happens?
I love how your eyes close, when ever you kiss me. But that’s physical; mere hormones. I do believe that this ‘chemistry’ could come about under any number of the ‘right’ circumstances. Exhibit A: Bill, Exhibit B: Louis, Exhibit C: Charles, Exhibit D: Leonardo, Exhibit E: Orange County Guy, Exhibit F: Random Black Guy… I could go on. (Man that disturbs me.) What I’m saying is: With the right line, move, promise, touch, tickle, or whatnot, This ‘Chemistry’ can be ‘ignited’ and set aflame. And, I don’t like how you kiss me. It’s wet, and awkward. I’ve had better. (and now I sound like a floozy.) I’m not thinking that I couldn’t get used to it. But I don’t like it as much as I could. (And now I sound nitpicky.)
When I’m away from you I love how you miss me. I miss you a little when we’re apart. But I could attribute that to boredom. You talk to me when no one else does, and I have nothing to do. I am quite certain I would be exactly as I was without you. And feel nothing missing. No more than I did before. Not in the sense that we were never an item. In that no part of me would feel as if it were missing. I’m not 100% on that, as it has not happened. But I do believe it to be true. I want to feel those bells and whistles. I can’t psyche myself into it. And maybe my friends and everyone are right. Maybe it will come with time. Maybe I don’t even need them. Maybe I should be content with safe. Then my life will go smoother. Maybe certain will come sooner if I don’t hold out for bells and whistles.
I love the way you always treat me tenderly. I like that you can share so openly with me. And you can express such emotions and truths and thoughts with me. I wish I could be more the same. You are the ‘perfect’ guy. I do not know if you’re the perfect for me. But that may just be fear talking. I suppose I am afraid for this to be right. Stupid What If Factor. No matter how prevalently true and well placed what if is; it ruins things. And relationships are a gamble.
And now the words so gracefully sung by Chet Atkins which spurred much of the inspiration for this spout of words, and the song has run partially through my head for the past few apprehensive days;
I love how your eyes close whenever you kiss me
And when I’m away from you I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But darling most of all I love how you love me
I love how your heat beats whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But darling most of all I love how you love me
I love how you hold me
I love how you tease me squeeze me please me
I love how you love me
... ... ...
Breaks on a Runaway Train of Thought.
Alright; a problem has arisen. I am feeling apprehensive about posting to my blog my feelings and thoughts. Which is exactly what I always wanted to avoid, but is now unavoidable. I want to say something about my own personal truths, but fear the looks of those watching. I don’t want what I say to be taken in/out of context. This may sound like a strange statement. But the decisions tied to what I’d have to say, have not been made yet, and therefore may or may not be found as truths. Right now; they are mere ponderings. They are not meant to be read into by anyone but myself. So I cannot post them. My thoughts are once again; confined to my head, where they will haunt me until I can make a life altering decision on my own. Give in and gamble, or fold now, and take my earnings? My dear friend confusion… it’s been a while. But not long enough. Though; if it had been longer; the decision might be that much harder to make. So I go back to my musings. Unless I can be assured that no one will jump in and meddle with my thought process. The tracks of this train are already laid. If it derails we’re all in trouble.
… … …
Waiting Again;
What am I thinking?
I think I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what you’re so certain of.
When you say we, it is what you perceive to be a mutual emotion. I don’t think we are on exactly the same page. I’m not even sure we’re in the same chapter.
When You say or do things and I seem unreceptive, I may be unable to cope with the fact that I’m not feeling 100% united on the topic and am freaking out and/or shutting down. I think we should try to get along as friends better before we even think about moving on in any other respect.
When we have moved past my comfort limits and you say we’ve done nothing wrong, I wholeheartedly disagree. Any level of physical intimacy, when not founded under God’s grace, is wrong. I am uncomfortable with that proximity. Though, I am feeling closer as friends. I am acting out and playing around as I would with friends and brothers. I am not specifically flirting, and I do not like when you state the assumption that I am. In general, I do not appreciate when you assume my stance on a subject. Any given subject.
We need to cool it. I’m freaking out, and am starting to want to run away. I don’t necessarily want to run away. You are safe for me. I’m just not there yet.
… … …
-I Don’t Think We Feel the Same-
When you say we,
I think you.
When I say we,
It’s based on what you’ve already stated.
When you confess truths,
I refuse to commit to a specific.
When I relay truths,
You draw unfounded conclusions,
Based on what you said about we.
I like you,
You Like me.
You are good people,
I am noncommittal.
You speak easily,
I answer with safe truths.
You eat me alive,
I falter just to please.
We could be best friends.
Best friends aren’t always lovers.
We can’t be best friends;
You want the heart I hold in my chest.
... ... ...
That is all for now. Thanks for reading along with me.
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