Only Fear of Self

My dad sent me an e-card. He sends me a lot of e-cards. But this one, it was an e-card with an attached song. The song attached always makes me cry. I knew the song was attached to the e-card, but when I pressed play; I started crying anyway. Both times I watched it. It's one of those songs that makes you question yourself. It says, I want to be this. I want to Be more than I am, and then you feel convicted because you're not that. You're not more. You're not enough, and you could be so much better.

"... I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things? ... "

I'm not more, I'm not enough. So, this is my call to action (mostly for myself). I will be more. I will choose to love. I will not be only what I am currently. I will make the most of my life. This whole thing goes along with my new five year plan... But; why am I only who I am and not more, not who I want to be? Because, sad to say; I am afraid. I am so afraid of the judgement of others. Mostly the judgment of those who are supposed to not cast judgement. Not supposed to by who they say they are. But I feel inadequate. Therefore, I've cast a judgment on them. Poo! No one is perfect. It's been my argument in defense of these same people to others; They're just people, they too are only human. But I want to expect more from them, and I want to expect more from me, and I want them to expect something from me, and to walk with me and lead me, and to guide me, and to care, all at the same time. When I'm in their presence, I am merely gripped by fear. Fear due to all of my past transgressions and sins, even those forgiven and repented. They will still judge me. They've done it before, How could any of them be different... I could maybe be myself in other circumstances, around other people... which I have been closer too. But it's not the best me, it's just the me that is. The me gripped by different fears. The me afraid to tell them, because they will stereotype me into the same heap as the them from before, and I am only human. As they too are only human. And they cycle continues...

But I will be better. I can get passed this. I will be more.

"... And now that I'm here Should I tell them that You are the one who has made me And saved me and set up a home there inside Should I tell them that I am a perfect example Of all You can do with a life. What should I say to them? What if I'm failing them? What should i tell the tonight?... "