Sofa King

There are only a few things that will really set me off, and it seems that they have been happening a lot lately. One of these things is stupidity... I hope that this is for obvious reasons. Another is people talking down to me. Do not, for one instance, insult my intelligence. I might have to eat you alive. I am not stupid, even if I am naive. Also! I am not less of a person just because of the position I hold, the amount of money I make, or for the fact that I am female. Superiority complex' piss me off. I also don't like people to say they know me. Not know in the sense of: "Oh, yeah, we hang out we're friends." I welcome that. But know in the sense of; "this is how you are." I like to be considered a mystery. I like to think that I'm not as predictable as a Disney movie. I like to think that I'm not just like everybody else. Do not speak for me, unless you know that you can. Do not assume that I am a certain way. I am less likely to want to talk to you ever again if you 'Know it all.' So: Know it all's piss me off too. I suppose i like to be thought of like more of a mystery, because I have a sever distaste for the run of the mill and ordinary. It is safe, and I don't know it. Safe is scary. Safe as in; I can be in this grove and never step out of myself and be safe because it's easy. Then I'd be purposeless. I'd also be purposeless if people could predict my every move. Yes, I am upset. No, I don't want to talk to you right now. You, are freaking me out! And that pisses me off!

Untitled Ramblings

I'm quite certain that this is the 100th post of this year. Which is exciting for many reasons that I can create. One would be: Whoohoo! 100 posts in 2010. Another would include the fact that I've never before reached more than 100 posts in one year. Or; there is only 14 more posts until the 300th post ever. That's almost one third this year alone. And yes, each year, the number of posts has risen. But I don't really want the whole post to be about what the post is, that nullifies it's greatness. Then what will I continue this post on, you ask? I haven't the slightest. I could continue on the drab train of thought I tend towards on days like this. I hate my job, and boys let me down. I'm considering becoming a recluse. I miss my bestie. Or I could switch it up and ponder the importance of Hot chocolate on a dreary winters day/night. I don't think I will though. Of course I've not talked about how I've not been writing in a long while. I could explore they why's of why I'm unable to move on. But those thoughts have also become more commonplace, and are therefore drab thoughts to dwell on. So what do we have? I could sell; my paintings, I need money. But how would I go about that? I could do something creative, but I'm short a table. I could clean my room, but there's not a home for everything. I could quaff about food. I could rattle on about literature, or dragons and medieval nonsense of which I know nothing about. I assuredly do NOT want to get into politics or religion. Those are two topics that infuriate me because of the stupidity of people. Of course then there is the general topic of the stupidity of people. And then again; I can just leave it at discussing the possibilities of discussion because I'm in a foul mood of sorts, and I don't wish to continue this discussion at all anymore.

Vegetarian of Circumstance

I thought about just updating my status, but I couldn't think of a way to fit this into 140 characters. I am both distressed and grateful for my recent appetite change. I still am unable to eat meat without feeling queasy. But I am also unable to eat my normal portions. I eat maybe 2, 3 tops, times a day. I stare at the options or wander into the kitchen when I'm hungry, and nothing sounds good. So I don't even nibble. This isn't new behavior. It's the; I should eat, that has changed. I think; "I should eat" because it's right to eat or whatnot. So I think about what I can have that is available to me before I even get up to scavenge for it. But then I think about something that would normally sound good, and I get grossed out. So I don't go look. It's not until my stomach is yelling at me and/or eating itself that I venture into the kitchen. But half the time, it still seems unappetizing so I turn around and leave again. When I finally do convince myself to have, say; a vegetable and cheese croissant, I only am able to just eat that much. I know I'm still hungry, but I can't eat any more than that. I like vegetable sandwiches and all, but in this house; meat still reigns king of the dinner table. But the thought of it = Yuck. This is very sad. As far as going out is concerned; that eliminates most fast food joints. and all of my favorite cuisines at said food venues. (the saddest thing ever: I saw a Carl's sign and thought; that looks gross, then almost cried.) I love Cheeseburgers. I really like steak. I can live without eating at Taco Bell again (that fiend that done me wrong.) But I think I'll crumble if I can't go to In'n'out or Carl's anymore. That's really all the fast food I eat besides Del Taco. I eat at Chick'fil'a when I have lunch breaks, but I don't think I can even do Chicken. This sucks! But I am eating smaller portions (not that that was my problem) and healthier snacks (but for some reason I can still eat Oreos (or their off brand equivalent "Tuxedos")). Just writing this about food: my stomach is upset. I am both hungry, but not wanting to eat food. Can I have some pan seared veggies? With a little bit of garlic, butter and salt? Oooh! Wahoos Fish Taco's Banzai Shrimp Burrito... Not sure about the shrimp, but it doesn't sound unappetizing. Too bad the closest one is way far away. But according to some Shrimp, which is fish, is not considered meat... I'll have to explore that thought a bit more. Anyways... The only thing left to wonder is this: will I ever get my appetite for meat back? or will I be a vegetarian of circumstance forever? (and I like vegan food, I just can't afford it, but that's another topic for another time.)

War is Change

There are times when I wonder if we're even talking about the same things with our metaphors. On occasion; I fall in love with my metaphors, not realizing that they are being interpreted differently than I mean for them to be. Other times, I don't even know that they're not being interpreted at all. They are being taken for their literal words. Which is ok. Usually I speak vaguely for the sheer appeal of it. That, or I'm not being specific to protect certain parties involved. What it comes down to is this: I'm too nice. So I'm vague. Which makes me confusing. So I'm nice and confusing, which only begs to confuse people even more. Yippee! Maybe we should explore they whys of this... Why am I too nice? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't like it when people are upset or angry with me. I like a level playing field. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want them to have the opportunity to be better than they probably are. I have too much faith in mankind? Or maybe it's as simple as not wanting to burn bridges. If I'm at all irritable, these people aren't going to want to have anything to do with me in the future. And I've lost too many people already. I have been friendless for too many years. I don't want that to happen. As far as being vague goes; sometimes I don't know they whole truth, or I don't want to admit that it is just that; the truth. Perhaps I like the idea of a mystery. Not everything should be handed on a silver platter, you have to work for it. I may be an open book, but you have to know how to read the language to get all the answers. What if the words are a riddle. What if you aren't holding it the right way. What if you skipped a chapter... You won't get it. But then again, both my vagueness and my openness have driven 'people' away. Which that may just be my subconscious screaming at me. "You aren't ready for this." "This isn't right." "You haven't moved on yet." "This guy, seriously?" "If you say that, they'll leave you, like before." 

Regardless of reasons. Regardless of what I'm too nice to do. This is all too much for me. And I don't know how to handle it. Despite what people may think; I'm not as strong for forth spoken as they may believe. I don't always say what I want/should. I may think it, but I've been conditioned to be sensible and keep the peace. Stupid peace. Stupid stupid stagnant never changing blahness.

Sometime I Used To Know

Food poisoning is a strange awakening. It opens your eyes because you know you should eat, but nothing that is unhealthy, sounds good to eat. This is at least true for me. Actually, nothing really sounds good to me right now. But the healthy things don't look as unappetizing as those things which aren't as healthy. I do know that this will pass, and eventually I will choose the things that taste good, over the things that are good. 

I wish that I could get an awakening for other things. Like; not want things that are bad for me. Or at least have the willpower to say no to them. In the very least not miss people who are no good for me. Not want to be friends with them still. There is a reason that we don't communicate anymore. We usually only remember the good things when reminiscing. Only when we reflect a bit too long may we remember those things that drove us apart. 

It's strange when you don't know what it is. But then you see those things after thinking about it. But they didn't bother you then, why should they bother you now. On another leg; there are times when you're like; 'Why did that bother me? So stupid!" But it must have bothered you enough to have said something then. Or maybe you did go overboard and behave rashly. I do tend to overreact sometimes. My once 'good friends' learned to deal with it accordingly, until (I suppose) they got fed up and discontinued association with me. I do have the tendency to place the blame upon myself when I have no idea what's happened. Why are we not friends anymore. Why, when I say hi; do you completely ignore my existence? 

I would continue this thought, but the smell of food is making me feel sick once more. That or I'm getting emotional, so my subconscious is being a wise ass in attempts to get me off this track of thoughts. CHoochooChoot!

Rolling a Murphy's Law

I had the greatest thing to post last night, but I was far too tired and fell asleep as soon as I turned on my computer and logged onto my screen... Now I haven't the faintest idea of what it was in regards to. Then I thought of another thing this morning, that was equally as intriguing of a thought process, but it seems imperative that I am conversed with. I'm not complaining about the conversation. I am glad for it. But it's curious how when I'm not busy, nothing happens, it's not until after I am already occupied, that I become a person of interest. Isn't that true of everything though.

Like that, just now: I completely lost my train of thought. I like playing confidant. I am the greatest secret keeper. But I lost my train of thought. 

Murphy's law? Yes, I think that would fall under the category of Murphy's Law. Everything that Can go wrong, Will go wrong. Or as Nickname would say: "He just rolled a one." Speaking of: I don't know how I feel about that. Rolling ones and whatnot. It's basic slapstick, the most predictable mode of action in the film. Like the Disney movies; They will kiss. it's inevitable. someone will double cross someone else, and the big scary guy is a softie at heart. In a Chinese film: Either the girl dies, or everyone does. I think I'm completely off topic now. Dangnabit. Come back to me thought process, I can't even make decisions without you.

The Importance of Dental Hygiene

Sometimes there's a moment when you don't really know what you're going to say, there's just a general idea that something needs to be said, but then you have no idea of how to start, but you know that you just must. Sometimes there's this... thing, that's looming, just hovering over your head, sitting on the tip of your brain, waiting to be said; if only the words would form. On another hand: sometimes, you know exactly what to say, what you want to happen, or what you're expecting, and you can't bring yourself to complete the task, thought, action, revelation, or truth for one reason or another. Maybe I'm the only one, but I can't usually say these things. On occasion; I know it so intently that I start to try to say something, and in waiting for the words to come, whilst still holding the attention of my audience; I'll just say: Ok, ok.. ok ok, ok... Until I find a word to start it. But then still; sometimes I'll pause after the first words, and start all over. Sometimes I'll realize that the first way I was going to start will not have the effect I would have hoped for. Sometimes I drive myself crazy with trying to please people and still be honest. 

These truths are usually about either my own personal choices, and may or may not be in relation to how they are effecting my audience. But sometimes they are about my audience themselves. Not too frequently; but sometimes. Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. Sometimes I can't find the gumption to say; "Dude, brush your teeth." or "You kinda look like a pregnant hippopotamus." Sometimes I can't say; "I'm thinking I might want to move to the other side of the country." Because then I'll have to explore the why's of that. Each statement I make begs a thousand more questions. I don't know that I want to get to the root of the issues. I'm not certain that I want to delve that deep that soon. I may come across as irrational to do so at such a stage. But what I need to say is based in truths. Facts that I hold dear to me. Either moral, hygienic, scientific, relational, etc. 

Once again, I don't know if I've put together a coherent thought, but this is what bled from me just now. Happy Thursday everyone.