Swinging back to Redundancy.

What is this? I can't really place my finger on it. I try to be upbeat and happy. But then, if I get one minute alone to dwell by myself, I revert back to my 'emo' self. Which is not my usual norm. I can smile even if my heart is heavy. I feel like there is a weight, pulling my down by my core. It's latched onto my chest, my soul, and is tugging my forward, holding me low. I can't get free of it. I want to be able to be free, and let myself feel more than I am. It doesn't happen though. I can't seem to get to that point. 

I can't get to the point that someone else is at. I hold back. I am unwilling to step forward and feel. But I feel like I can't feel. That seems oxymoronic and redundant. It's the only way I can think to say it though. I dunno. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe this hormone thing is effecting more than just my blood stream. It's been 3 years. Medically, I did nothing to counteract what was wrong. Three years is enough time to silently F yourself up internally. Hmmm... but that's not what I was thinking. 

I Freakin' cried at a Bark Off commercial. There is most definitely something wrong with me. People around me notice my horrid mood swings. What the F is wrong? I have not changed. Maybe being peaceable and ambiguous is getting to me. Maybe I was meant to be the ass that I am in my filtered thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy. maybe maybe maybe. 

Oh look! another post where I have no point, and say basically nothing. Joy, Rapture! 

I guess it just comes back to the same ole same old, I don't know what I want. I am afraid to let anyone in. But then again. If you'd had your heart ripped out after finally letting someone hold it, you'd be a little hard pressed to let go again, at least so soon. 

Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I am so bitter, I am unwilling to let go. No, I want to let go. I would like to move on. But there's a part of my that just won't. Poop. That there is also Oxymoronic and Stupid. Woe is me. I'm going to bed... wake me up when I don't have to decide before feeling the right answer anymore.