Beneath a Broken Heart

I sometimes wonder if you wonder like I do. Do you feel what I feel. Have you looked for what I've looked for. Are we reading the same book. Listening to the same song.Wishing on the same star, under the same sky. Then I remember you did the leaving. So it doesn't matter if you do or not. It wouldn't be the same for you. Our perspectives are different. We are on two different playing fields. Even if you wondered like I wondered it wouldn't be the same wondering. One is looking up at home one would be looking down on it. Separate sides of the same ocean maybe. It's uncrossable. Hope has departed because we are on different planes. Heading to different destinations. Even though I thought we held the same ticket. In truth, we don't even ride the same transportation. This isn't a game of cat and mouse, this isn't cat's and dogs. This is Polar Bears and Mountain Goats. Two mutually exclusive beings existing on the same earth in completely different worlds. Too bad I'm not used to the gravity of this one.

Kicking Dirt onto Year Four

Another anniversary blog. Wow. It was October 19th 2007 that I started this blog with an introduction of myself. I worked at John's Place Restaurant. I was going to school. My 'best friend' was Buzzy. I has issues with the Hedgehog. I was contemplating a costume for Halloween at Jam's apartment. Now I sit here staring at this screen with a broken heart. Buzzy doesn't talk to me unless I run into him, and then he makes empty promises with his empty smile, and I don't even try to cover up my hurt and disinterest. The Hedgehog is exactly the same as he was. Working the same job, in the same city, seeing the same people at the same places at the same times. Of course there are subtle changes, but nothing to write home about. I have not seen him since graduation. Which is another new thing. I have graduated from AI with a BS degree and I was promptly laid off. As I have stated many times in this blog; I am an inadequate product of that education. I'm just in debt over my head to dear Sallie Mae, and I have no means to pay the twit. I work a sad job selling alcohol to people in a retail environment with a fake smile on daily. I'm not even sure if I'll be going out for ole hallows eve this year. I've been invited to a Punk show, and I have a costume that I don't want to wear any longer. I can't go back to Jam's she no longer lives there and is now married to another dear friend of mine. Besides, I'll probably have to work, I need to too. I have an order to appear in court today for a speeding ticket, and it's my first offense. I wasn't even criminally speeding, and they spelled my name wrong on my ticket. Maybe the judge will throw it out because of that. I wish. But the biggest thing: is my broken heart. I really never expected to be the one pining over some boy for 8 months after the fact, because he broke my heart. I never expected to be a girl to claim a broken heart. but that is all that makes sense to call it. I'd like to move past this, but I don't want to let go. If that makes any sense. I never wanted to open up that far in the first place. I never expected to be the one to give that much away, and then have the rug pulled from under me. Then continue tripping over it's threads long after it's gone. I want the rug back. even though it's found a new home under someone else's feet. I've been offered a new rug, it looks like a better rug. But I can't say yes to the rug. It's a great rug, but I don't think it matches the rest of the decor.

Valediction, Where are you?

I hate that fear grips me. It pulls me to itself and rips me apart. I sinks me down to another level. One I've not known the likes of previously. I am unable to speak. Not letting out what's in my mind. Reasons evade me. I am helpless against it. I scavenge for a purpose to it. I find none but the circles looping me back to what I don't understand. Then I fear the return. 

I am so cynical that this is normal to me. I am so weary that I do not scream out of the pain of it. My eyes leak the un-cried tears for something that is so far gone, I can not name it any longer. Is there hope left? Somewhere? In some space? Will I wade out of this soon? Or be left to rot here for too long a time to state it? My heart cries help. My lips refuse to move. Set in a jut of my jaw. As my eyes leak the truths I still don't begin to understand. Valediction, Where are you?

Swinging back to Redundancy.

What is this? I can't really place my finger on it. I try to be upbeat and happy. But then, if I get one minute alone to dwell by myself, I revert back to my 'emo' self. Which is not my usual norm. I can smile even if my heart is heavy. I feel like there is a weight, pulling my down by my core. It's latched onto my chest, my soul, and is tugging my forward, holding me low. I can't get free of it. I want to be able to be free, and let myself feel more than I am. It doesn't happen though. I can't seem to get to that point. 

I can't get to the point that someone else is at. I hold back. I am unwilling to step forward and feel. But I feel like I can't feel. That seems oxymoronic and redundant. It's the only way I can think to say it though. I dunno. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe this hormone thing is effecting more than just my blood stream. It's been 3 years. Medically, I did nothing to counteract what was wrong. Three years is enough time to silently F yourself up internally. Hmmm... but that's not what I was thinking. 

I Freakin' cried at a Bark Off commercial. There is most definitely something wrong with me. People around me notice my horrid mood swings. What the F is wrong? I have not changed. Maybe being peaceable and ambiguous is getting to me. Maybe I was meant to be the ass that I am in my filtered thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy. maybe maybe maybe. 

Oh look! another post where I have no point, and say basically nothing. Joy, Rapture! 

I guess it just comes back to the same ole same old, I don't know what I want. I am afraid to let anyone in. But then again. If you'd had your heart ripped out after finally letting someone hold it, you'd be a little hard pressed to let go again, at least so soon. 

Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I am so bitter, I am unwilling to let go. No, I want to let go. I would like to move on. But there's a part of my that just won't. Poop. That there is also Oxymoronic and Stupid. Woe is me. I'm going to bed... wake me up when I don't have to decide before feeling the right answer anymore.

Blind Anger Festering

If someone makes you angry, by them just stating their opinion, who is the one at fault? The one stating their opinion? or you? Is it then alright to tip toe around someone because they might get angry at you for having an opinion? Is it not wrong to let them remain the same? Wouldn't they then never learn to co-exist in the real world? If you are allowed to go off because of what one thing says, and the people around you are careful not to upset you? How do you expect to have everyone in the world be so cordial to you? I think that doing something like that for someone is a hindrance to their growth as a person. True friends stab you in the face. And if you are a big enough person to understand that they are being themselves, and only want you to be a better person, life will go on, and you will be a better person.

The Apocalypse led to Love

I know that this will be out of the norm, I have a consistent look for these posts: But I did not want to type this up again. I told in a Chat Box and I am just going to retell it via Copy Paste.

[09:41:53] * Van did have an new interesting dream though

[09:42:25] @ Van : it was much like the Family Trompiere dream

[09:42:39] @ Van : except it had nothing to do with HS and pretending to be something that you're not

[09:43:26] @ Van : Some of the other people in the house were my coworkers, others were completely made up.

[09:43:34] @ Van : It was a river house... and it was HUGE

[09:44:35] @ Van : After much debate I took the bedroom that was more like an insulated patio... (it had a tiny pool) there was another pool that was huge, and outside

[09:44:39] @ Van : OOOOHHH

[09:44:46] @ Van : And this was all after I died

[09:45:56] @ Van : The Apocalypse came like an atom bomb in the sky, the sun exploded and it sent shards out that destroyed the earth. And in my 'consciousness' I awoke in a white van. With lots of people I knew

[09:46:07] @ Van : (I don't remember if I knew them in RL)

[09:46:27] @ Van : And the side doors swung open and we were presented with an option.

[09:46:34] @ Van : We were offered a redo

[09:46:56] @ Van : We would go back to a certain point, and if we chose to go back, we had to live our lives better.

[09:47:18] @ Van : We would have to be more open and share the truth with people, both that we knew and we didn't

[09:47:46] @ Van : I chose to go back, This one guy was still sitting in the Van fraught with the decision

[09:48:25] @ Van : Before that my Jenny told me she was getting married... and I feared we wouldn't be friends anymore, but my brother was a famous animator... *shrugs* anywho

[09:48:42] @ Van : After selecting my room, I looked down at the river, which was rising

[09:49:29] @ Van : And There was a Volkswagen that had been parked on the grass, next to the dock of my neighbors house and I watched as the water rose and started to carry it away.

[09:49:44] @ Van : so I ran to my neighbors house and pounded on their side sliding door

[09:50:02] @ Van : and a girl came out and found a rope that was tied to it and started pulling it back in.

[09:50:37] @ Van : So I helped her, but the brunt force of the two of us pulling made it fly and land on a pile of grassy hay stuff

[09:51:11] @ Van : She said: "It's not a beetle (because I had called it that when I knocked on her door) it's a converted Buss"

[09:51:29] @ Van : And it was, the roof had been redone so I couldn't tell it was a Volkswagen bus

[09:51:42] @ Van : And then her brother came out of the house...

[09:51:50] @ Van : The scenes picked up from here

[09:52:08] @ Van : Eventually: He and I 'fell in love'

[09:52:21] @ Van : and I met more of the people that lived in my house.

[09:53:01] @ Van : There was one guy, who became friends with my 'bf' and I discovered he lived on the fourth floor, but would be leaving for school in a few days.

[09:53:08] @ Van : I'm sure there was more.

[09:53:20] @ Van : But they consist of details about the house.

[09:53:37] @ Van : Like the door-less rooms of the finished basement

[09:53:51] @ Van : Or the roughhousing boys who chose rooms down there.

[09:54:53] @ Van : Or the fact that I went to Billy's house to jump in the pool from the balcony a few times and each time, and automated voice told me something along the lines of "This is a restricted area" But it did not use those words.

[09:54:55] @ Van : 

[09:55:31] @ Van : That is all for now.

Dragon Lady Magus

So... I was doing an 'improv' RP... and got a little carried away. Enjoy 

*** The year is 1472, somewhere in the mountains of what is now a European country. Angana has just been summoned to the high court by the Kings personal guard. She had known that war was imminent, she had even warned the king that she could be of assistance in their time of need. He would have none of that. He raved about the need to keep war fair. As if war could be fair. He didn't want the help of her magic to interfere with fate. Where did he get all of this garbage? He had been a strange child, he'd shied away from her when he'd started his schooling. It must have been those strange philosophers that were his teachers, putting strange and foreign ideas in his head. These philosophers were the fall of this kingdom. Angana knew it in the core of her being.
Upon entering the throne room, Angana picked up on the tense emotions that flooded the royalty and spilled over to their tenants.
"You called for me sire?" She hissed.
A pained expression flashed across the kings face. She almost smiled when she read in his features that he knew he needed her now. But she stopped when she also realized it might be too late. The loud sounds of battle were drawing close to the palace.
"You know I hate to ask a favor of you, Angana. And I do so now begrudgingly. I still do not believe that what you offer..."
She cut him off with her hand, silencing him. She could not bear to listen to him to go on and on about fairness and the unnaturalness that she was. "It is my purpose in my life to serve this kingdom, it's people, and most of all it's royal line. What will you have me do sire? The enemy is already passed the gate? You may have waited too long to see the error of your previous choice. I do hope you have a good strategy and plan." She spoke as a serpent would, her words melted from her lips, asking for something to devour.
The king looked incredulous. "I" he began, "Would have you tell me how to win."
"That is cheating sire."
He sat down hard and set his jaw. "It is not your place to tell me these things. I am king."
"Then rule as one. Don't act like a spoiled child, your 37 years of life should have taught you something."
The king glowered at her. "Guards!" immediately there were guards on her, shackling her limbs. The fighting sounds died down, and the prince from their enemies court appeared through a side door.
"What is this? You have become traitor to your own people?!" The Guards gagged her, and her skin started to glow.
"I told you she was the spawn of Satan, you should have done away with her long ago."
Hearing these words from the enemies lips and seeing her sire smiling at the imbecile, she grew hot with anger. The shackles broke from the pressure of her growing arms and she was soon a large dragon jutting through the walls. She spoke with an eerie vehemence to her once king. "You sleep in the bed of the unwise, and your kingdom shall now fall, as the walls of this palace is now." With this she breathed a breathe of blue hot flames and erupted through the ceiling.
As she flew away to her secret lair in the mountains, her heart cried for those of her people who she had just caused deaths for. She hoped that the kings siblings who'd not neglected her would not now neglect their duty to their people. As Angana landed, she cried one large dragon tear that became the most perfect ruby, she howled as only a dragon whose heart is broken can roar, and then slowly became her self again. She could see the smoke in the distance as her beloved city, and it's people burned.

Ranking on a totem pole.

I was going to say I missed you, and write it on your wall. But when I got there, someone else had already done it. Someone who, I feel, is not as important... that's the wrong word, but I'll use it anyway. That made me a little angry. I, an important person, cannot look like I'm copying someone of a lower stature than myself on your totem pole. 

This of course causes me to explore why I am feeling this way at all. Being angry for something like this is ludicrous. I find that it is a seed of jealousy. Why should I be jealous of them? Because I want to feel important. and someone else was there before I could be. 

I want to matter to someone that matters to me. I cherish my friends. I know that my friends have other friends. But when you are forgettable to most of them, it gets to you after a while, and you start to feel unimportant. This is probably another one of those hollow things that I feel. But I feel it nonetheless. 

In attempts to rectify this world from it's selfishness. To make sure that I am not a hypocrite. Whenever I think of someone who is important to me, I try to let them know. That may make me seem crazy. But I want people to feel important. I guess this falls under the train of thought: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Dismal Water

Have you ever been in a specific mood? A mood where you don't want to listen to anything but a certain band? A mood were no movie will do, but a certain one? Where you don't want to hear a specific name or joke? You don't want to see a person? Where the only way to get away from that mood is a distraction? But you are incapable of creating that distraction yourself? You know that you need a distraction, and those who are capable of pulling you out of said mood are unaware of how to help? 

I've been there a few times. All I needed was a distraction. It's all hollow. Each mood has no center. It has no base. It's shallow and depressing. It comes from letting yourself over-think things. The antidote is to think of something else. To pick yourself up by dwelling in another realm of thought.

Very few people understand this. I believe that there could be another way around it. But I have yet to find it. 

Until then I will wade in the waters of my own demise.

Sin is Sciscm

I had an idea. I thought I could add scenes to the Dog Catcher, and then complete it.

I also noticed that I tend to not have happy endings. I realized today while thinking in the shower that I do not tend towards the typical story line. I have been contemplating a 'song' about the other girl in the movies. The girl that the guy uses until he realizes that the main girl is his. Well What the Heck?! When does Drunk Girl 2 get hers? Who finishes her story? Does she get to live happily ever after? Probably not.

Then I started thinking about 'Happily Ever After' and I realized the only way to show that would be to hit on a few high points of how they choose to live and work together and end it when either one or the other dies. It's not all friggin sunshine and roses people. Not everyone gets the dream story. Not everything works out in the end. Sometimes there are more hard knocks than happy endings. In all the movies; the average people happy at the end is 2. Two people. The odds don't look too good for everyone else. Stupid Disney movies based in predictability, giving girls (or anyone for that matter) a false sense of hope for a happy life by the time they're old enough to 'fall in love.'

I'm sorry, I think my cynicism is showing. But I would rather be cynical than hopeless. At least I still have hope. I have the common sense to tell myself that the fairytale won't happen, but I let myself believe that it can. Look! I lost my topic again. On some levels; everyone is cynical... maybe not the same cynical as me... that would be hopeless for mankind as we know it. I'm going to stop now... now that I'm in a mind rut.

Seeping Through a Broken Filter

I'm quite certain I've already covered this, but eh. 

There is no way to be completely unfiltered and truthful. I am finding this to be increasingly true. A person cannot be totally honest without looking like a dick at some point. I would like to be able to tell and say EVERYTHING that is on my mind at times, but then I think of all the people who have the opportunity to hear or see it. So I cannot say it. What I say has an impact on others perceptions of both themselves and me, as well as the world around them. Unbeknownst to them it may be, but it still is. There are parts of me that I would love to tell the world about, but there may be a few persons that would take it the wrong (or right) way, and their knowing would either be taken completely out of context or the weight of it would crush me. And that sounds very selfish. Because it is. Either option is a selfish one. Either it will benefit me, or it will crush me. and the same for not doing it. But since they are my thoughts it is completely up to me to either share them or keep them to myself. I do not NEED to share my every experience even if I would want to. If it would help me to get them off my chest, perhaps I should. But then we come back to that shame factor. 

This was scattered and I got distracted halfway through with a sad song, and thinking about all those things that I do not share.