It's not quite early enough for bed.

I often find myself posting in my blog in the late hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning. This makes me wonder if I am suffering from insomnia and am wasting the time away by blurbing onto a page; or if I'm insomniatic because I have all of these thoughts racing in my head. Is the thought the cause or the means?

Regardless; I can't sleep right now. I was so so so tired earlier. I almost fell asleep during my movie. But I can't fall asleep during a movie. Not if I'm just tired. I have to be on the verge of sleep before I start it to actually be able to fall asleep during it. Or there has to be someone else around that I trust myself to fall asleep around them. I guess I have to feel secure. I was just laying on the edge of the right side of the bed; eyes wide open, contemplating the significance of realizing that I have been sleeping on the right side of the bed for a while. I even thought back; I generally take the right side of the bed; or the one that is butted up against the wall. if it's not against the wall; I have usually taken the right. except one time. I was on the left... I take the left if it's the farthest from the door. And this has only happened at places like: hotels. But this means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Who cares what side of the bed I sleep on? My dog certainly doesn't she'll sleep wherever she fits; she would just rather it not be against the wall, close to the center of the room. 

... And then What is the grand scheme of things? What does that involve? 

One of my fears has been deepened when it comes to that grand scheme, sort of. I fear that I'm viewed for what I could/should/am-expected-to be. Sometimes I think that I'm the face that is desired due to desperation. I'm the easy answer. But those people who view me that way; they don't really know me. They know the face I show them. I can't always be that. Not all of the time. Yes; sometimes I even think I could be the easy answer. But that's if someone knew the truth of it. And I reflect on that truth; which proves that I couldn't be. 

I don't want desperation. I want reality. Cold hard reality. 

Chick flicks are so easy to lose yourself in. That may be why I generally do not like them. They have no real substance. None of their scenarios would play out successfully in real life. Which begs the question; why have I been watching them so often lately? Am I trying to escape into some form of non-reality? What am I escaping from? What am I hoping to escape to? Maybe it's feeling that this life is completely hopeless. I don't see a way of it working out properly. And the Sunday school answer to this; I know is; Have faith. And I am always hearing people say that; but no one tells you how. What does that look like?

Then of course, there are the religious people in life that tell you to let go, or surrender. How do you do that? Not that I don't believe it can be done. I just don't understand it. I'm afraid to say there is no logic to it. But right now; that's where I'm at. I've lost all logic, and I want to lose myself in a movie with a great emotional soundtrack.