Falderal And Fiddlede Dee Fiddlede Faddlede Foodle...

So I've closed both my facebook, and myspace accounts. Yep. It's over. Four years was a good run. I had a little fun. Mostly though, it just wasted my time. Yes, I did get back in touch with some people, that I wouldn't have otherwise. But some of the others are just as fake, phony, and plastic as they are in real life. And I don't want to have to feel bad for turning away people I know. But I don't like them. We are not friends. Why should we be "friends?" seriously? That and it just wasted my time. I'm a great procrastinator. I don't need help doing it. I can feel just as disconnected and get just as little done without the help of "networking" sites on the Internet. Thank you. If someone wants to actually talk to me, which they don't; They can find me through e-mail. Or through friends the old-fashioned way. "hey, do you remember Van?" "Yeah, I remember her, what ever happened to her?" "I dunno... We should find out." "yeah, do you have her number?" "I dunno..." "I have her e-mail".... Etc. etc. etc... I'm not saying this would ever actually come about. But there is the potential for me to be found. Even if no one's looking. I may go back to one or both of them in the future. And only "friend" people I know, and talk with, and like. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I could make it so private that the only way people could find me is if they really know me. And I could then deny them. I just feel so like I'm slighting people when I do that. If they actually took the time to request me. Them maybe they actually want to be friends. But then again; maybe not. This by far, is the lamest, stupidest, most inane post, that I think I've ever written.

Disclaiming Your Images

I suppose I should write in a disclaimer somewhere. Most (not all) of the images used in this blog are found exclusively through Google image searches. I merely search a word, phrase, or idea related to the blog it appears in, and choose one from whatever appears. I do not claim those pieces as my own. If there is a dispute to be settled due to it; Please confer with Google. Thanks! (But some of them are mine.)

100 meter Mash-up!

EinHundert! 100! Yep! I didn't think that learning German would be this difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't anticipate the Italian getting in the way. See; with Italian, all I had was very little Spanish getting in the way. (and of course the English. Duh!) And the Spanish wasn't as ingrained into my thought process as the Italian. So; until I've completed a course or two or five of German, and feel comfortable with it. Not just with me and my computer; but really comfortable with it. Say more comfortable than I did when I went to Germany. Then I might switch back to Italian. I think I just need a goal to work towards. Like 'till I feel comfortable with it, then go there. To say fluent in; just scares me. In the long run though; I want to learn: Italian, German, and Russian. When I've completed these; I'll start thinking about others.

Read the Face Book at My Space or Yours?

How is it with all this technology geared towards connectivity; that I can feel so utterly disconnected? I'm not even kidding! With all of these avenues prepared by society for us to be able to communicate on a dime, and enlist each other in networking, I am even less connected than I've ever felt before. And there isn't much of a bridge to gap there. Or whatnot. Maybe it's not just that; but the fact that I need to rely on it/them for all of my networking. I'm not good at it in person. Nor do I have the opportunity to practice my skills at inter connectivity in the flesh. I stare at this screen all day. I would like to go out and associate with the real world; but there is no one to do these things with. If I weren't a social wall-flower; I could make those friends required to go out with; but I'm not comfortable enough to go out and find them without them. In other words; I have not, so I gain not. When I do get an opportunity to venture away from my Personal Confinement; I muddle it up. I am incapable of stepping out of my face. I put up my defenses; in all uncomfortable surroundings I carry an air of stand-off-ish-ness. Which; if I did want some guy to hit on me, would send out the "I'm a bitch" appeal; but I don't. I suppose I'm the perfect definition of an "Indie Wallflower" Bummer! And I don't try out for it. It's just happened. I've been molded by my circumstances in my own home, lifestyle, surroundings, and society. Whoopee! And I have attempted to break out of this scenario time after time; But people tend to shy away from me. I am either taken to shy; or too strong. I'm mean, but it's funny. If we were really friends, you'd understand that sarcasm is a way of life. I do care, just too much; I'm not obsessive. I think I've gotten off topic. If I even had one to begin with. Cheers!

I know you don't KNOW me, but...

I'm sick again. I know; I know; You're all sad for me. But spending a week with Toddley, who has Bronchial Pneumonia, Has extraordinary possibilities of getting one sick. Whoo hoo! I'm not sure weather I should be glad I'm sick today or sad. See; I'm supposed to go to this "Party" at Larry's friend Kitty's house. I'm not sure I want to go. It's in LM. and if you don't know already; LM hated me. And I didn't like it much either. I only say it hated me because that is the way it acted towards me. It may have, in all actuality, just not know how to take me. But I don't' want them to see me all stuffed up and congested. I don't think I want to see anyone I "knew" in LM. But if I don't go; what will I do? Sit on my aunt's couch while Larry goes. Kitty's counting on Larry putting together a crowd for her. That's another thing. If you're going to throw a party; you'd better invite more than two people. So you're guaranteed of the turnout desired; or at least more so. Larry doesn't know many in LM anymore either. So if Kitty's relying on us; She'll get none from me; and out-of-towners from Larry. One more thing; It might not be that weird seeing people that I used to know; if at the time of seeing them; I wasn't "hanging out" with people way younger than me...

Is it better to ignore you than to offend you?

Good Morning Earth! Here's a new sort of update for you. I'm addressing everyone. To talk about myself and such, yes. Anywho. I think it in order to tell of my "vacation" I left on the 18th of November. I think. Yes. When in the state of California; I attended Thanksgiving "dinner" at my grandmothers house like always. But it was just like Sunday dinner. So it didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Of course my not making the Deviled eggs like I was supposed to, probably did not help in any respects. Then on Sunday I met up with a friend from school. I wonder sometimes how we managed without cell phones. (I don't have mine back yet, so was personal cell phone less this trip) Therefore; without cell phones. One is required to be more patient. Also during this trip. I wore t-shirts. Wierd. To go from Snow to warm sunshine is a strange phenomenon. What else did I do on this glorious vacation? I was there so long, longer than planned on at least, that I was able to attend a Masquerade at a friends home. Good times. And then I was also able to meet and have lunch with some other friends during that extra week(end). Fun. But I didn't get to see my besties. I feel so vulgar saying things like that. "Girl" lingo. It just doesn't sit well with me... OH well; and then when I did get back; it was like below zero; with white everywhere. It wasn't sticking when I left. Now it's piled up everywhere. And my door freezes open when I go to drive somewhere. uuugh! OH well. Moving on. Now that I've completely bored you, I will leave you with a thought to think about. --=> in a completely non-racist thinking; If 'Black' people can say racist things about themselves and others; Then why can't 'White' people say racists things about anyone; including themselves? They are now the minority in many many American societies. Stupid Americans. I love my country.

A Friend is a Friend is a Foe indeed

For once I know, not what to say My thoughts just seem, to get in the way I hold my tongue, for fear of blurting Or perhaps, it’s a fear of hurting My foot smells bad, in my nose I search my mind, for the proper pose My foot tastes good, in my mouth Why else would I, not take it out My movements feel, the pain I prick If only these, few words would stick I fall on my face, but don’t hit hard I cannot seem, to play this card My ears behold, the wondrous sounds Of unsung heroes, falling down My nemesis, and I have come To see the fault, before the fun Do I stay? To touch this moment Feel this pain, and all it’s torment See the stares, of people watching Waiting for me, to stop punching But if I do, the torment ceases And then returns, after it increases Come back to me, oh friend of mine If you wish, I’ll drink your wine I’ll change my ways, if you’ll come with me Call my name, don’t let me be Follow, toss, turn complete A friend is a friend is a foe indeed. Return the favor, these tastes I savor Sweet then salty, my life seems faulty What did I do? To deserve this from you I hear the phones, inside my mind Could I call you? Another time Would you answer? My desperate pleas For this valiant heart, down on it’s knees And to you, until the end I shall always, be a friend The torment, pain, freedom, love Am I just someone? You can shove Tip turn the dials, on your brain Before you make, me go insane Complete this void, inside my soul Tell me what, will make me whole Perhaps it’s in, a sacred melody Or maybe it’s, a famous symphony The tears in my head, wail and tear My ear’s can’t take it, it isn’t fair I taste deceit, I smell fear I hear nothing, I see clear Follow, toss, turn complete A friend is a friend is a foe indeed.

The face value of Helmet hair.

So I was going through my stuff; since I'm back in SoCal, and I found a poem I wrote for College English like 3.5-4years ago. and it struck me as odd; This poem is exactly the way I feel about a certain situation that I had no idea I'd me in back then. I'll just write it out here in another post. (the next one... so above this one.) I'm not sure what significance this has; but it does have some very poignant lines that could have the possibility to mean so much. If you haven't figured it out yet. Since I've been back; I've had a lot of time to think; to just sit by myself and think; but since there's nothing specific to think about... I think about things like the subconscious meanings of poems; and what it really means to take someone at face value. and why I always end up with a helmet haircut... but the poem needs work; I'm sure you'll see an update of it at some point. It's already changed from it's original version a few times. think about it this way; first half of the line one voice, second half of the line; another. On the bridging thought, one line the first voice, then the indented line the other... lemme know how it goes.

This Heart Can Love You... But For You!

It's really a treacherous thing. I can't help it. And I know I shouldn't want it. I don't think I really do. SOME people say; if you can't stop thinking about someone, then maybe you shouldn't. That's So Juvenile. Romance is Juvenile. I have proven myself a hopeless romantic; as all girls tend towards. But I do not understand it. I've said it before. I'll be one of the first to share my cynicisms with anyone towards romanticism and pretty words. And yet, Here I am, worse than most. Yet; no one really understands why I say I'm worse. A few could venture a guess. But I'll not let on all the truths of my lies. Epic Failure! an Epic Failure to an Epic tale of stupidity and hypocrisy. Buttered with lies and jealousy. I think I sound a little vehement. Just a bit. I'm not really. There's a huge smile on my face. Or maybe that's because of the Gas. Teehee! In the words of the Dresden Dolls; "missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me... you must think I'm pretty... you must want me... you must love me... you would never leave me, It's as simple as can be..." so What I'm saying is; If it's true: all of your unspoken words: then it's time that I should have you give me a reason to continue on like this. It's a lot of work. Trying to keep you off my mind.

I pulled a line from you for a title.

Well, I'm not "sick" anymore. but I am. Just up and about because The Captain is now sick. Despite all of his protests to it, and denial that he should have any part in it. He is now sick. But if we go to my Aunt's house tonight, and he seems sick still; She's keeping him. Simple as that. I've also made a discovery. It's something I already knew; but nevertheless, with all of this "weather" it's been more like put to an experiment. I, me myself, am cranky when I wake up without daylight. This is perfectly logical. makes complete sense. The other night, I slept on the East side of the building, and left the shades open to test this. I woke up early; and was chipper, and not cranky. Still sick; but not cranky. The following day; I wanted to see if this would work again. But, alas, the sun was not shining that morning. I wasn't exactly cranky, but I was definitely not chipper. Last night I slept on the West side of the building; and I couldn't open the shades all the way. I was cranky. Now I'm sitting at my computer staring out my window into the dreary day. It's the same color it was when I woke up about 2hours ago. gross. I also know that I'm cranky when I wake up; and I don't have control over the sensory details that are going on around me. Like when I wake up and my mom's put on her radio. Not that it's bad music. Generally; it's not that bad. But I've no control over it. Or when someones left the door open. Why did they open it? if it was closed when I went to bed... or the light is on... or something stinks... or the neighbors are being loud... or I'm somewhere that I'm uncomfortable... There's a slew of them. But; I don't always show that I'm being cranky. Because; after all, Happiness is a decision. (Joy is not; it is strived for and possibly attained, but happiness is a decision). So is being angry all the time. Why waste your time being glum; even if you feel glum. You choose to act that way.

Senile, ZeNile, De Nile, The Nile.

Alas, I am sick again. I said I was going to be. Didn't I? Well, It's been since; Monday I started, but Tuesday really. I've not been able to work; or do anything but read. Which, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in about three days (in between sleep and stuff) is not bad. But now I don't have anything to read. So I'm trying to force myself to get up and do stuff. Hence; this blog. I was, sad to say, not able to attend the Design Madison event this past Thursday. Which saddens me. (a-duh; sad to say/ saddens me... Oi!) But today is Saturday; and I've only left this building once; to go to my aunt's house, since Tuesday. and that was Thursday. Whoo hoo. If I keep relaying to myself what happened on certain days, I may be able to get them straight. But then again, maybe not. I am tired of sleeping. I am sick of being unwell. ha. Apparently it's been raining. I wouldn't know. I've been cooped up. Besides; I don't have anyone to talk to about the rain anyway. Oh well. Time goes on. And now that I've wasted a good amount of time to say absolutely nothing. I leave you with this thought: Who did Teddy go to live with? Who raised him? Oh yes; I'd like to stop dreaming about you.

Who will judge our changes?

Life is quirky. I'm not sure what I mean by that. But it really is. It's strange having been away for such a long time, and coming back to a place where you once felt completely unwanted, and it not being exactly the same. Being thrust into a situation without any forewarning whatsoever, and therefore having no expectations to meet or break. It's cause for no disappointment. Simply interesting. I wonder if I've changed for it. If there has come to pass; a significant difference in the person. Either myself, or them. And then; who'll be the judge of it. Is there a fear here that keeps you from venturing out on this limb due to it? Is it there for myself? I won't judge you; I'm sure you and I are guilty of the same sins, and misfortunes. Most likely a change in the same direction that no one wants to cop to. Admitting this change would ensue an unjust failure that is truly non-existent. This makes absolutely no sense if you've not felt the fear of the stated.

-A Copious Sin-

I want to sing out how I feel, I miss you. My mind plays tricks that I need you. Your deceit and lies of trickery, You've dooped me once again. Why I believe you? Why should I need you? You're only the worst thing for me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. After seeing life acted out in stages; I have come to understand. Almost see your meaning. Barely see the man. You've become transparent, A window and a wall, The door to pass my moments through, The end of us and we. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. The music man pleases. Giant squid to my soul, Retracting in horror, Selling my love lusts to the boy, Stealing the moments, The freedom to be. I was not yours to hold, The worst friend to me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin.

Two fifths of the quotient sum.

Today; The Captain started school. I get to be his math teacher! Whoohoo! We also had guitar lessons. Good Times. my fingers are going to cramp though. yikes. I really don't have anything to say right now. I had something in mind, but I seem to have forgotten it. No matter. It probably doesn't matter. There is something though. This Hayride I'm supposed to attend with the Yag boy. He's going as Matt Foley. Matt Foley! Come on! I suppose it fits. The personality he had when I used to know him, like 6, 7 years ago is a perfect match. But I'll most likely be proven correct that he's just another perv. A typical boy; after one thing and one thing only. I can't hate him for it. It's "natural" and all I can do is expect it. If I'm too be proven wrong, That would be a mighty fine thing. Speaking of typical boys... I need someone to tell everything to. I don't have that person, really anymore.

Jazz Hands... Jazz Hands...

Sponge Baths are over-rated. And under-rated. All at the same time. Did you know that it's too early to snow. But NO... it's like, hey let's have some flakes fall from the sky today. It's only the end of October. It's too early. I am Not Over-Reacting! DangNabIt!!! I DO NOT OVERREACT! Just kidding. Obviously. Moving on... We have recently discovered that I may have a hyperactive disorder. That's what they're saying; because I can get really hyper, on nothing. I don't think I'm all that bad though. Probably shouldn't have sugar though. just in case. Sugar... SUGAR!... :)

The On Again Girlfriend, to my former heart.

What a peach! Seriously! It's not the fact that she was a bitch so much as he didn't tell me. I wonder; When I said I hated being used just when I was convenient, that it was an open invitation to take advantage of me in that way. I can't believe that I was cut so hard. One of those things that you can't control how your instant reaction will come out. Like a whole being gouged out with a melon scoop, that's been forged of hatred and jealousy in the fires of your lies. Thank you. I think I can move on now. Even though, I didn't know I'd have to. I was never yours. I take me back from you. You horny F*#ktard! VALEDICTION. Goodbye! I'm actually not as mad as all that now. It's been 3 minutes.

Ulterior Words

I leave you with the fakest true smile The last happiness ruined by your few words The newest lie completes this damage Knowledge compensates the feeling I'm becoming my love, All the ways that I hate.

Why should I miss a bag of crap?

I know that every time this happens; I end up feeling used. I did feel used initially. But I wasn't angry, because I was in a state of shocked confusion. Then it moved on to a type of sorrow, not really self pity though. After that, Loss. Emptiness. Kind of like depression. Then I just felt forgotten, which is a normal state for myself apparently. Now I just feel like I've been used again. And I feel remorse because I totally let it happen. I guess I almost willed it. Do I enjoy this feeling of detachment? I do understand; and have understood, since before the beginning: It's not what it could come across as. Words were never spoken, promises never made, stupidity was the only thing stated. That and the lack of control in the self assertion department. Sad thing; I'd probably let it happen again. That's where forgiveness can't come in. Where there is no repentance there is no change on any side of the table. Rolando said I had it. I guess I do. I just don't want to admit it. To anyone. Actually; that's not true. I want to tell someone. I just don't want anyone to know, because they'll judge me. This fear of being judged is what's kept me in a box my entire life. Now it's just a hindrance to my growth as a healthy human being. Dang Nabit!

Running Man Industries and a one year old blog.

Ok, Ok, ok! When Is Crap Holy? When the Pope poops it! And right now. I forgot. This was the only thing scheduled for today! I was supposed to write an anniversary blog. Today is the Anniversary of my blog. It's been 1 year! WhooHoo! Woopty Frickin' Doo. I know, Right. Moving on! I have decided to create a mission for Running Man Industries. I will also create stationary, a capabilities brochure, and an applications manual. I've already designed the hang tags, some of the merchandise, and of course, the logo. Therefore creating some of the style guides in doing so. I'm excited. Should be fun. And then it can go in my portfolio. Just need to make it a little more official. Party on Wayne! RMI will soon be a reality, and not just a sticker I put on everything!

How Much Would I Pay To NOT See This, is the correct question.

OK, I know I've texted people about this already, but I'm kinda excited about it. Did you know that Alcohol is cheaper here! Seriously. Larry and I got 2 mixed drinks, that would have cost us at least $12 in Orange County, was only $5.50 in Jefferson County. That is $2.25 a drink. The down side to mixed drinks being so cheap, is they are pretty much the worst thing ever. I am quite certain that I've never had a Whiskey Sour worse than that one. Even the One I got in Berlin was better, and that was pretty much a tall glass of Whiskey with a little sour mix, on the rocks. Yep. But the Beer is also cheaper. I had 3 drinks on $10. And Then... Not that I care; but there is smoking in bars here still. Not all bars I hear, but the ones we went to Last night there is. Also, I did notice; I don't believe I've ever been in a bar with a dance floor, with so few people dancing. And I don't believe I've ever seen so many bad dancers in one place. Not just the trashy white girls; but everyone. And those that "could dance" were the slutty whore type, and that was just uncalled for. Totally Uncalled For! I knew that girl in High School, and all I remember was she was on my cheerleading squad, and she was nasty as all get out. Granted it was really dark in there, but Stereotypes die hard. And they were born somewhere... Trailer trash anyone. OK that was mean. But I'm gernerally a mean person. I'm Histerically funny, but mean. Save for when I'm being too nice in the wrong situations.

Do you smell well?

Your senses are amazing things. How they can regurgitate a memory so easily. Not just sight, but all of them. Smell expecailly, tied in with say touch. or taste tied with something else. Yesterday, I was sitting on the porch steps with Larry, in the dark, Drinking a berry beer. It was so cold too. It felt like Berlin, because we'd done just that in Berlin. Save for; it wasn't Larry. We went out to Magnet Club one night, and we all shared German Sebastian's Cherry beer before going in. It was early December, and after 10pm so it was cold, and late. And then, when I use my face moisturizer; I also think of waking up in Berlin. Because that's where I started using it, I supose. Ah! the memories. Another thing that's been ever increasingly pressing in my memory; is brought on by smell. I don't think anything else is involved here. Just smell. But everyonce in a while I'll get a wiff, and wham! I back on Buzzy's couch. wierd. I smell Buzzy's couch. A couch! why? I have slept on that couch numerous times, so it is valid that I should know the smell. But, why? why do I smell it here? it's not exactly a pleasent smell, but it's not dirty or disturbing either. Hard to put my finger on it. On another note (sorta), I want to create new, good, memories with all of my friends. I think it would be fun to go to NewYork with one or two of them. Since I need to go and check out the school before I apply, I thought it would be fun to kill a few birds with one stone. Think about it. Memories are more fun than stuff anyway.

I have a great relationship with your voicemail; it always listens.

I do not read. I like to read. I don't just claim to know how. I actual do. Lots of people don't like to read. Or at least they tell me they do not. I try to accommodate them. However, I can not always do this. The written word is a great form of communication. Speaking is also a great form of communication. But I'll take what I can get with certain people. That's another thing. If someone asked you to call them. Do you think they meant it? Or do they just call and say call me back based on rhetoric? Hey, I'm just calling because I need to run something by you, but it's okay if you don't call me back and this is never resolved. I just had the greatest Idea ever I want to tell it to your machine and then from here on in keep it locked up to myself. I think that would be the best. I also wonder if people understand written sarcasm. Do then get it when it's in the 160 characters worth of space dedicated to a text message? Do people understand that I communicate with them because I appreciate their personal input and care generally about their opinion and time. I do understand time. I'd waste less of it with feedback. Call Me.

Running Twice, dripping and tripping thrice.

I really hate feeling sick. I knew this would happen. When I lived here, two things would happen at least twice every year. When the weather made a drastic change I Break out! Nasty! and then at any given time during the fall, spring, or randomly throughout the year, I would get sick. I know the symptoms, I know they start well before I actually get sick, and I'm always helpless to stop or change it. So; day after the plain (damnit Steve!) plane, I feel it coming. Then it went away for awhile. But it's back again. I have aches and pains, and don't feel like doing anything. Sleeping on the floor and on uncomfortable couches recently hasn't helped much either. Also having been out of work, and being restless to do some is not helping either. I require structure! I need a schedule, Deadlines! This is awful. and not like Full of Awe, more of a dreadful terrible thing!

I believe in make shift plans and arbitrary talk

There are a lot of things different here. Like the people, the air quality, mannerisms, the pace. I love the city. I am going to cry without the necessary structure and speed of my everyday life (formerly) and that's bad. It's not all bad. I like... being in charge of scheduling... being a decision maker... visiting the city... having good friends... but seriously, I don't think I'll be able to handle this for very long. Unless I can find a way to focus. But in order to do this, I will become a control freak. Granted; I already am one, so this will just be worse. I can create a daily schedule for work at least, and attempt to make everyone keep to it. I require structure. I want people to be able to make their own decisions and keep them. I want a faster pace. I need to work. Not working is ok for a while, but not this long. And not having structure is good; when I understand it. Like when I'm with Buzzy, Generally, I know that we'll sit around and waste a day or two away. But I know this, and am ok with it. Basically, that becomes the plan. no matter how frustrating it can be to do nothing, spending time with friends is more important than schedules. However, if I'm going to be party to the system which creates drones, zombies, and lazy ass bums; I want no part in it. and will do everything humanly possible within or without my power to change it. Thank you and good night!

The first half of a bad third

OK, I was originally coming here, now, to tell of all the things that I'll miss about California, and all the things that are weird, strange, or just simply different here. However; there is one thing that has seemingly followed me here, and can at times be admittedly worse. A young gent I tend to call my Teenage brother. Thank you for being the most obnoxiously indecisive aggravating bad bad kid I know. Do you really think that I do not know of your follies? Do you really believe that I am so inanely naive that I do not or can not fathom the intents that you desire to fulfill as a maverick of unnecessary mischief and stupidity? Thank you. Now on to something else... How's about how absolutely bonkers it is that I was so utterly excited for the minute happenings of this past Friday night. All alone one lonely victory dance of unimaginable proportions; being had by myself. Yay! I can't really say more than that. Other than to simply state that certain tests taken previously with certain results have been proven wrong, and another test is no longer needed. Also that I've noticed that when one thing happens "emotionally" another does ... "psychologically" and that is all. I do believe that I will begin another post now. I do this due to the fact that I'm not saying anything, save for large and unneeded words in this post you read presently.

I've not seen you for a Fort Knight

So, since I've been here, all of 12 hours. (just kidding) I have noticed there are several things I'm going to miss, or am not accustomed to. I will miss sanitary seat covers in public restrooms. and seriously! what is all this fresh air stuff. Also, I know no one, and I know about nothing to do. I don't have anyway to network, or get connected. I'm already restless. I need things to happen. I like it when things are moving. I can be really irritable when things just aren't happening. When I am needing something to happen, and then they just aren't. Ugh! I think I need to make things happen, but I can't, because I personally lack the means to do so. I miss Moose! and Leaf! awe! how obscenely sentimental. Oh well. Sojourn on! And I'm sorry RissaLa, I really tried; but I still don't like My Best Friends Wedding. For different reasons now. but still. So I leave you with this. knock knock, "who's there?" "Ooze" "Ooze who?" "Ooze in Charge 'round Here?"

Oops I Crapped My Pants!

So I already said this a thousand times before. Moose is too confusing for me. He's just so, so... Uuugh! I'm not really sure. I said I'd always be his friend, and I do mean that. It's just, I didn't know that it would be all this confusing and heart wrenching all of the time. Oh well. But on to better things, or different things at least. In order to commemorate my leaving and moving on to different places. Noting that I will be unable to use the excuse "I live here, I can do that some other time" and am therefore running out of time here. I have agreed to one of the stupidest things in my life. I'm going to Knott's Scary Farm. I'm going to need some depends, Some Oops I Crapped My Pants. Not cool. I watch the news covering Knotts every year, and I get scared, I talk about clowns and zombies, and freak myself out. I can't watch scary movies. Like that "scary movie" I watched with Rocky, it wasn't scary, the ending was retarded beyond all reason, but while I watched it, I scared myself silly. I have an over active imagination at the worst possible times. No good!

wish me luck!?

Come one, Come all;

Our dearest friend in this realm of Orange, Miss JohannaJoy Elizabeth VanArsdel, Duchess of Naught, is embarking on a new journey, partaking in a new adventure in the far away land of CowsBeer'n'Cheese. We wish it for you and yours to join us in this celebration of departure on the 27th day of the Ninth month of the year 2008. Festivities will commence at approximately three in the afternoon. Our fantastic adventures will be take place at 383 North Lincoln Street, in the kingdom of Orange, in the land of California. If all would please dress according to a role of either a fantasy or fairytale likeness. (the Lord of the Rings, the Chronicles of Narnia, the Grimm fairytales, stories from Hans Christian Anderson styles, etc. are all appropriate.) All should also come bearing gifts for parting to share (gingerbread, pirates rum, stinky cheese, etc. be creative.) By order of the queen; we do hope you will be able to attend. What: Going Away Party for Van Where: 383 N. Lincoln St, Orange, Ca 92867 When: September 27th, ’08 @ 3pm Who: For those dressed in a creative Fantasy/Fairytale type of apparel, and who bring a creative food or drink item that can correspond with a fairytale (not necessarily their own) Why: Van is moving to Wisconsin, for a time. RSVP to either Tiffany Brader or JohannaJoy (Van) please.

Leaving on a jet plane, don't know if I'll be back again...

So, once again, I fall behind. Change is really hard; stress comes easy, but my emotions are all out of whack. I am not sure if I'm making the right decisions. Based on my recent behaviors while under the influence though, I do believe that my making this decision could not harm me. Although it may come across as running away. The first thing to terrify me was the idea of loosing my connection to my music. Such as Indie 103. 1. The Midwest isn't really the best place for my music. I miss it every time I visit there. The second thing I've freaked out about was the pace change. I do believe that I will be able to handle the pace of the Big Apple. It's being so far away from "civilization" or the city at least that I'm not sure about. Of course I've freaked out about other things; and in no particular order I might add. things such as: Leaving behind EVERYOne I know. Sure, I do know people in Wisconsin, but that was more than 5 years ago. I quite certain they've either moved on with there lives, or we're just too different of people now. I am leaving behind my closest friends. I care so much about them, that I dread the disconnection from them. They'll move on, I'll move on. It'll just hurt; A lot. Yes, besides all of my anxieties, I am very excited. I'll record, work on design, and hopefully be accepted to the school of my choice. I just wish I could take someone along with me for the ride. But I feel like I'm pigeonholing myself into what I've feared; becoming useless, insignificant, and forgotten yet again. Now; there are many more things, but this is on the forefront of my mind. and it's all happening sooooo quickly. less than three weeks, no wait, less than two.

That cannot anger me.

Granted, it's been a long time. A lot has happened in that time too. I've written a lot, just not here. I've written speeches, cover letters, poems and letters. I've gone to Indiana, Wisconsin, Nevada, and The mall. I've driven my mom's car, my dad's car, grandpas' car, Grandma's and my own. I've driven through heat, rain, cold, wind, tornadoes, and buckets of water. I've been laid off and kicked down, forgotten and ignored, I've moved, and laughed, re-arranged and smiled. I've sang, and even played my guitar. It's been fun. More than that has happened; but I don't think it's necessary to go on about it. That's enough of this one.

Call in the next 5 minutes and loose a best friend. At no extra price.

Going along with the same theme and or tone of some previous posts. WHAT THE HELL! That's all I can really say. All but, say one or two people, vote for the curb. I understand it. But I DO NOT like it. I don't think I should make it that easy. This is already too hard for me. Just think. Two people can ruin a persons life in mere minutes. One person is capable of ripping to shreds all that the another has worked four years at building in a blink of an eye. I wonder if this sort of talent at debauchery is marketable. "Just look what can happen. In mere minutes; you can have the life you never wanted. One simple payment of your Heart, Morals and soul and this turmoil can be yours" or something like that. I don't think I like it. "no returns" "no refund" this is just awful. and not in a good way.

And Now you make me feel.

I feel used. Abused. Tossed aside. Forgotten. Dismissed. Broken. Stomped out. Made useless. Dirtied. Dingy. Tainted. Upset.

Dsyclecsis are popele too.

Hello world, It's me again. Yay! I have a computer again. And soooo much has happened since the last time. To tell the truth though; I still have the same computer, it's just been "reactivated" so to speak. Whoo Hoo! Anyways. I don't have much to say today. just: Whoo Hoo! Oh yes, Mr. OrangePorch himself has outdone himself. Confusing; I think not. He's written a truly marvelous song! I was the first to hear it... and it just keeps getting better each time. Excellent! jary mane; is the name of the game. Check it out. That is an order.

Formulate my thoughts please.

I think it's funny, or interesting rather, how I can think up some of the occurrences as "day dreams" that fly through my head and thought patterns as viable possibilities. For instance; who thinks about making the huge mistake of getting drunk and then married in Vegas? But more than that; how they would handle and cope with it as a continuing reality, with an onslaught of unfathomable aftermath? Or even how they'd handle the consequences of their actions sexually. whether consensual or not. Who really sits around and thinks; If I did this thing, which I'm not going to do, and this happens because of it, and thus a certain series of events might occur... How would I react in THAT situation? Not even the immediate situation, but one that has sprung from the possible possibilities and mere chances that have a low probability to even occur at all. Who thinks about the reactions to the results of an action that is so unlikely to happen; that once one comes upon this realization, they're so befuddled by it's seeming randonimity, that they are delved even further into the endless line of possible outcomes and circumstances to come from this almost impossible quarry? And then, Above all; Why?

DayMares, Night Ponies

I had this thought a couple of weeks ago that; Daydreams have that specified indicator that they are happy, and are of things you want or with for. As in a fantasy. However, what is it called when your mind rattles through the negative possibilities of what may or may not com to pass? Would it be a daymare? I think not The thoughts are brought on by something that is not wanted, and then are continued through in the manner of; what would happen if this would happen. And furthermore continue on in how I should react to the results and consequences of this? Also; another thought I had. Is it significant to have the same dream three times in the same night? Does that constitute a recurring dream? Or is it just a repetitions nuance of the psyche?

spelling errors in lowercase

So, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I've been a bum for a week now. I need a goal. I would like to go for my masters... and get certified. I need to move. The price has been lowered, but it's still high. Would I be a bad friend to back out completely, and go somewhere else? would it be wrong of me to do all of this? It would be better for me. I don't know. We'll have to see. I'll talk to the one guy next week and see how it works out. I'm also terrified. I'm afraid of how this new endeavor will turn out. especially since I don't even know how to begin it. How long will it take. How much will it take? Who do I take along this journey with me? Who should I leave behind? I really don't know what to do.

Speaking of Ill Refute

I like Pizza. And this song... la la la... I like my new green king sized throw. comfy. cuddly. Now alls we need is a good film to go with this lazy day. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am so unmotivated. Don't really feel like doing anything. I need to set for myself a new goal. I've got the whole degree thing done. What's next? I need a bike. and maybe a Vespa! Good times. Lately I've found myself obsessing over other peoples wellbeing. taking on the role of caretaker/nurturer. weather I'm wanted in that role or not. and when it's not possible for me to be in the immediate vicinity to act as such, I find myself being overly concerned. Oh well. I've known myself as such for quite sometime. Only this side of my personality has been somewhat subdued due to the immediacy of personal stress at hand. Oh well. I'm here to care for you. *Smile!*

I'm dead with deciding, afraid to choose.

So, I've been thinking allot lately. Now that I'm done with school, what will happen next. I really would love to move in with Eliza, but Her current "rounded guesstimate" price is waaaaay too steep. I cannot continue on driving so far, living in my mom's dining room. It works, but I just can't do it anymore. Another thing I've been thinking about is this; Who will remain in contact with me after all this. I know that the majority of my "friends" that I've made here at school, have their own circles of friends outside of this that I do not fit into. And I don't really have any friends outside of this thus far. Not which are close enough to here. These former current friends are all in the Midwest. This Blows! This stupid place has been such a staple of my life for the past 3 and a half years. I'm not certain how I'll function without all this school stress. And the Rocky and Moose stress. I don't have to deal with the Hedgehog stress... but I've already acquired new stress. Work stress... and "boy" stress, that I really didn't need. So stupid. Which makes me think. How do I get myself into these predicaments? I know that I've already stated that I am a little oblivious to lots of these things. I just don't have them on the forefront of my mind. So they take me by surprise when they happen, And I act out stupidly to them. then I get all confused and overreact to the situation... It's not good. I just want to know where I stand. On whose feet am I? Are we just friends or should I be bolting in another direction. In the words of the Smalltown Poets "each paths growing shorter the longer I stay" In this case. Each choice I make has a shorter fuse to explosion the longer I don't make a decision. MY Gosh! I feel so Stupid sometimes... Why, did I do that? I knew it wouldn't end well. I know that I am also needing forgiveness. I also have no Idea how the other parties will react! Gall Darnitall! All apologies. That's just the way I am.

Marry (My Everything)

I long to pick up these words as they spew from my lips, or vainly would have them fall straight to the floor. I mean no offense with these offenses. I want to love you forever and more. How do I put this into perspective.

I won’t do anything for you until you change my name.

I want to give you my world, my everything, all that is left to give. I want you to trust your soul with me. But we’re on opposites sides of a different bridge. I want to let you be my all, so I can do all of this for you. But first I need to lay out this.

I won’t do anything for you until you change my name.

To move the mountains, truly. the cliché in your eyes, yet this disdain. I want to only live and still survive. I long to be your live in. I’d even quit my life. I’ll be your only lover, and keep you in my heart. If you want me to, you can keep me in the dark. You need to have me only to care and soothe and keep. I’ll mend and do your cooking but keep in mind;

I won’t do anything for you until you change my name.

Can’t do anything I want to ‘till you change my name.

This love lust that we’ve started my dearest, may I please remind. You are my first and last here.

But can’t do anything for you unless you change my name.

Fear(s) of the Heart

There is something I really do want to spew out here, but I fear that's all it will come out as, is a spew of venom. and that's would not be helpful, intentful, or good. Let me formulate a thoughts a bit longer, and hopefully I will be able to lay it out. I hope I don't wait too long. People are already noticing.

And It Comes Down To This...

Graduation, graduation! I've been freaking out for a week or so. cool huh! I'm just about done again. I was, but had to reprint. Then my book needs to be re-upholstered. and I have to re-work three pages. then there are my leave behinds, and my resume; which need to be printed. I have to add photos to my process book. And put together the music campaign for Mr. OrangePorch himself. Neat! That and the whole drama of moving out of the dining room. Party On! Then I'll be a real person! hahahahaha.... Don't make me laugh. there's just too much drama going on right now to be dealing with the other stress that I'm dealing with. I still can't say, even if it was forgotten to swear me to secrecy. I don't want someone to hate you, purely for me, and what I've stated. but I'm a girl, I have to talk about these things. DUH! And that's another thing. There is all this stuff out there. It states exactly how females are. Not all of it is literary. I sit there and say exactly how I am... and Males still don't get it. How much more assistance in this do you need? Ask me a direct question, you're most likely to get a direct answer. But I have to know you're being direct. Don't beat around the bush, or play games. That is so aggravating, it frustrates me. But then again; that may just be my instantaneous, black and white personality.

3rd Rock

Where did i leave off with you? Several lines of probity of recherche garrulously fall from a forked tongue on a two faced rara avis.

Elvis and the candyman are good brothers.

Righteous! now it's 60! Yay! Well, I'm really tired. I get like three hours of sleep a night, I know, I know, my own fault. No one forced me to stay out till one every night. Not like I'm doing homework. But I don't want to fall out of touch with people. I just need to Learn to say no, or manage my time better. Oh well, I've got a week to be finished with the port and my "thesis" and all that jazz. Whoo hoo! Then it's LasVegas. By the way, I still need one more person to go with us. Preferably a guy, so Buzzy won't be out of place, so to speak. I'm open to suggestions. Just needs to be someone I know preferably, and someone that all the rest of us can get along with for four days... That's all for now... TTFN.

-Strictly Business-

Candy canes and sugar-pops

A bullet through my eye

Turpitude

The name of call

Slowly steadily dies.

Retrograde expanses

Pandering to become

Limp and soulless

Sisters of doth

Mothers of emptiness

The children of the open

Tourniquet spinners

Spiders crawling

Upside down into pipes

Created in the boxes

On the corners of giants

Who care not

About the

Insubordination required

Next of kin

Fathers of a hopeless nation

Falling onto your scissors

Gouging

Keeping up with Mr. You

Here it is

A Rat poker lollipop

Created of lust

And greed

For your body

-Soggy Paper (The Right Words)-

I should keep some paper by the shower

That’s where I get the best words

Of all things I need to say to you

The circumstances I want to curse

You’re not the first best friend to break my heart

It has happened times before

I’ve given you a new start

Though you’ve hurt me times before

Why does the pain ache all through my bones?

It starts in my heart and works to my soul

Kind of like candy in a dirty old sock

The very next day, I’m the treat of a pox

Porcelain outlines draw tears on my face

You’ve trampled my heart all over the place

You lock me out cold, outside in the dart

Then you tell me your soul, and cause me to start

I’m afraid of the consequences rendered

Now to be faceless down in the mud

If only you would react as tender

Could we stop the decay of the flood?

The friendship we have is not but a riot

A candy cane serpent is drawing quite near

Sometimes I wish you’d trust me and try

The only thing holding me back is this fear.

-Fingertips-

I long to be in your presence

To have your body touching my fingertips

Take this magnet of you

Release the watch I see

I want to drink you away in

Combine my metaphors

Realities and redundancies

I need your eyes reviewing my lips

To have your body touching my fingertips

Is the Water really that close?

well, It seems they lied to me. That was only 55. UpDate! Well, I got my favorite compliment again! That makes me so Happy! I really can't say more than that on that. I've decided that the song was wrong. It was still good. Lot's of first times for things this week. Good Times! Good Times! it's been fun. a little stupid at times. But Fun none the less. And there's still more to come I fear. Party On! Another thought though. I'd like to find someone who will rent me their couch space.

Singles be wary, Couples beware.

Wow. It tells me that this is my 60th post! Groovy. With this knowledge at hand, I considered reflecting on all that's happened since I began this last October. Then I decided that, that would be stupid. So, rather. I will continue on in my determined nature to attempt to lay down my train of thought as words. I realize that each post has become a tad more ominous than the last. With less and less information given. But, as I said before, this is to protect those parties involved. With all this in mind. I hate Saint Valentines Day. It's another Americanized holiday. Yay! If you think about it, no one really likes it in the state we have it as today. If your single, you feel like crap. If you're not. There's all that stress, The anticipations, and expectations that aren't easily met. Too much like work. But then again, I may be biased. People tend to not have the same judgments based on bias. Like The Italian and his roommates, really have it out for the Nancy Kid. I think that if they tried to be nice to him, and incorporate him in, he might not be that bad. Yes I realize that, he may be a slob. but the vehemence spewed towards him, that he's just supposed to take. It almost hurts me. almost. but then again, my bias does not include any of the circumstantial evidence that they've got in play. I am working solely from word of mouth. But then again, I'm too nice. Haha. well, there's more to that sag-way, but; secrecy is the bases of what'll be broken in that.

Do You Really Wanna Know?

I am so happy. Yesterday went much better than I wasn't exactly anticipating it to be. I wasn't really expecting anything much specifically. It went well. I didn't expect it to be awful, or anything like that. Just not the way it was, I guess. Narrowing it down was hard. And I thank you Buzzy, So much for helping me out. You will never know how much that really means to me. I also was almost taken aback by the way He now speaks with me. As if I'm a real person, a friend, a human being, a cohort... I'm a great listener. and I love it when people want to tell me things that are important to them. I don't want to make it seem like I'm taking anything from this that I'm not. because I'm not. I'm just so.... proud... to be his friend. I would like to have other friends be as close as we are becoming. But so far; I can't bring myself to be myself for anyone else completely. I don't trust that they will take me seriously enough. I don't want to get hurt again. I guess, there's just too much invested here, to do What I've been told I should do. I just have to be who I am, and do what I've promised. For I am the Best Friend, you never yet had. Love Ya!

We really Need crutches

You know, when there's a recommended dosage, and such, you should probably follow it. Wait as long as they tell you to wait. And only take so much. Teehee... I'm feeling a little loopy! I feel great! Save for my Throat and my Nerves... but that can't really be helped. I'm so terrified about today! but am so anticipatory... kewl. I'm not the happiest with my song selection, but I need to appease each party involved, come to a happy medium if you will. that'll work. Cheers!