Why should I miss a bag of crap?

I know that every time this happens; I end up feeling used. I did feel used initially. But I wasn't angry, because I was in a state of shocked confusion. Then it moved on to a type of sorrow, not really self pity though. After that, Loss. Emptiness. Kind of like depression. Then I just felt forgotten, which is a normal state for myself apparently. Now I just feel like I've been used again. And I feel remorse because I totally let it happen. I guess I almost willed it. Do I enjoy this feeling of detachment? I do understand; and have understood, since before the beginning: It's not what it could come across as. Words were never spoken, promises never made, stupidity was the only thing stated. That and the lack of control in the self assertion department. Sad thing; I'd probably let it happen again. That's where forgiveness can't come in. Where there is no repentance there is no change on any side of the table. Rolando said I had it. I guess I do. I just don't want to admit it. To anyone. Actually; that's not true. I want to tell someone. I just don't want anyone to know, because they'll judge me. This fear of being judged is what's kept me in a box my entire life. Now it's just a hindrance to my growth as a healthy human being. Dang Nabit!