Babies, They're All Like Babies

Working with people who don't communicate is one of the most infuriating things ever. And is physically and emotionally draining to boot. I want to vent. But I don't want to complain. Ok, on some levels I do want to complain. I think I ask pretty direct questions. And even if I don't, I think that if my question is unclear; whomever I'm asking shouldn't just assume that they know what I'm asking, or just give me an answer for the sake of giving me one. I cannot be JUST appeased. And I hate it when people try to sell me on something. Or just assume that I'm going to go along with what they say. I'm just trying to get answers. I'm not trying to get another bill. Ommigosh! I also don't like it when I am ignored by those that I am questioning. I can't decide on what you need. And fi I do try to assume what you need, I'll probably be wrong, and then I'll get yelled at or have someone be angry with me for doing it wrong. If I am asking questions; I'm wanting to figure it out and do it right. Obviously; I want to do it right. And if I'm not being helped in the way I requested; how can I be at fault? I'm done now. Done.

Pull Hard to the Right and Sit on the Wheel

I don't know what's more embarrassing: the awkward hug given to the Asian friend this evening, or the fact that I cried in my car because I couldn't get the key to turn. Have you ever had one of those days (weeks, months, etc...) where everything just builds up on you, until you finally break. Well, the ignition not turning for me was that small break. But I didn't let it break completely. So I still feel numb. Just lots and lots of little things piling up until the damn bursts and who knows what will happen then. Oh well. I have really been trying for some time now to really not let the little things get to me. But what with the family I have, and other stresses of life lately, Plus my relational standing. I'm bound to crack hard core. I've been holding up considerably well for me. I do believe that it's been a real transformation, and I don't think that what I've let go of will resurface at all. I do; however, think that the distance is doing a number on the vocalization of many ill thought confessions. I suppose I'll let them out one day. But then again, maybe not. I'm keeping them in for reasons known only to my psyche. I don't think I could truly figure them out completely without stepping on toes and interfering with someone else's train of thought. But then again. maybe that's what it takes.

The questions no one is asking

Why is it that we feel the need to keep key things to ourselves? We don't say things that are on our minds because we fear rejection? Or because we think we might be off base. Yes, we may be able to work through those thoughts on our own. And they may be null and void after that. But what if they're not. What if no one is saying those things that are completely valid? How can everything be accomplished if everyone is afraid to move forward, for fear of faultering and moving backwards? Exactly.

I think I don't say things because I may be moving ahead of myself in some respects. I may be pressing the breaks so I won't have to move forward. Or maybe I'm breaking because I was the one who requested them. Also; the things that I'm not saying are not completely formed thoughts, and May be uncomfortable for me to fathom out loud.

But what if the style is childish?

I've been working on this invitation thing pretty much non stop. We have colors, and a general idea. Therefore; I can be working. and I don't think it's aimlessly. Also; with all of this working, and having things to do. It takes my mind off of it's wondering. Granted, I will still over think. But not at the depth of which is normal and accustomed to me. But alas, I should stop with the wedding stuff and head to bed. I don't want to get sick again, and getting up early gets to me fast. Especially when I exercise. I also have a lot to do tomorrow. Design stuff, Finding a job Stuff, exercise stuff, heart to heart stuff... maybe even some RunningMan stuff. That would be stellar.

Anyways. What is going on is this; I am working on designs for the invitations to the wedding. After that, they only need to be ordered and sent out. All other designs will fall into place to follow the suit of these. Yay for deciding on colors. Sleep Sweet World! I sing a lullaby for you.

Wake up World You're Alive Dagnabit!

It's a strange thing thinking all day, and coming out of it with nothing to say. Why is there nothing. I came to no conclusions, and what's pressing on my mind is not so detrimental that it can't be drowned out by the less trivial. So I wrote today, I wrote a letter to an old friend, who a new friend thinks I should cut contact with. But I think I'll choose forgiveness. The offense was not against me, and there is the possibility of true repentance. So I'm giving him a second chance. I also wrote a thank you card. I have terrible handwriting, but if I focus, and concentrate, it's not so bad. still not the best, but legible. I also finished a book. I was refusing to finish it in Wi, so I was only half done with it. Today, I knew that I have something else to read later, so I had no fear in finishing it. There is something to be said for having the option to choose, verses just cutting off the options and hoping it was the right choice. There is fear in the unknown. therefore claiming certainty is a scary place to be. Faith is the key to choosing correctly in most situations. When you doubt those decisions, you loose that faith. But then what did you place your faith in? Doubt is natural. Faith is difficult. I think I will step out, and move inland. for now. Away from my uncomfortable comfort zone. I suppose stepping back sometimes, can help to move you forward. Yes, I do believe that. Good night world, tonight I sleep with a smile upon my face. I'll wake tomorrow to a world of uncertainty, certain of one thing; It'll be a great day to be alive. Alive.

Whirlwind change up life so fast

So I'm back in SoCal. I had a good 17 day vacation from my boring life. Hopefully soon I will be able to break up the monotony of it, and find a job. My trip was better than I was expecting. I wasn't really expecting anything though. somewhere towards the middle of it, I was growing weary and started to lag. But it picked up. further than I would have imagined. And we ended on a good note. Thank you to everyone who helped to make my visit a success. Now I'm going to go to sleep. it's almost 1 in the morning here. I have been up a long time. Sleep well world. Hit me up on the flip flop. Later!

Irrelevant Musings of a Thousand Years ago

Lately, I'm not online all of the time, so I type out blogs to post in Word, and then I don't get on to post them. And I also don't post all of them. The time in between some of them is a good thing I think. A few of them no longer hold much relevance. If I had posted them, some persons might have flown off the handle... Which, when I started this thread is what I wanted to avoid. But life changes, and I still want to avoid those things. I just feel that not all of my thoughts are free to flow here as they once were... Not that I'm people pleasing, but I want to spare feelings in the sense that my thoughts aren't always in context. Blah blah blah; So I just decided that I'm going to post the four posts from the other evening that I wrote. I will put them all in this post, even though they've already been resolved, and are mostly moot points now. :

I like how you love me.

I’m not sure this should be posted for all to see. I don’t want it to be taken out of context, or read into too deeply. If I really want to say something out loud, hopefully I’ll have enough guts to say it out loud. I would hope I wouldn’t keep imperative truths to myself. And what follows I do not want to be read as a: Me to You statement where in I state that I want to and am just using you. That is NOT what is true. I don’t think it is right for me to think in the way of wanting to go off and find myself, and you have to wait for me. I couldn’t do that to anyone. But I would hope that if I discovered I’m wrong you’d forgive me. Not that it would ever come to that. Alright; enough of my pre-justification… here are my thoughts as they leaked:

I love how you love me. That’s nothing. There is no more than “I like the way you like me.” Or “I like how you like me” or “it makes me happy that I make you happy” Those are nothing statements. It is round. And it’s therefore conditional. What If I no longer make you happy, if; for instance there is a day in time that I make you angry? Will it then anger me that I make you angry? That’s not what I’m getting at. I think I’m missing a step. ‘It makes me happy that I make you happy when I’m happy.’ There it is. If I am not happy, nobody’s happy. I am only happy if it pleases me that I make you happy, and if I’m not happy that I make you happy, then you are no longer happy. It’s all dependant on me and my state of mind. If I’m just people pleasing, then I’m not truly happy. Therefore no one is. It’s a false happiness. Unless of course it’s the fact of my existence that makes you happy, or it’s true that me happy makes you happy. Then would you still want to be happy if I were happy with someone else? Is there room for me to try? The bells and whistles seem to be apparent for you. I’ve never heard them. Am I wrong to stay and not try to hear them? Am I destined to never find them? Does it matter that what I’m settling for is not my type. Is that reason for my hesitation? Is that the reason I’ve just used the word ‘settle’? I need to say something if I really believe that this is settling. It can’t be that easy? Choose the first one to press the chat button? Come on! The cynicism in me begs for me to reconsider the entire movement. But then what if I’m wrong? What if this is right? What if there is no better and I’m not settling? But what if the hesitation at thinking that this is settling is due only in part to hormones? I don’t think any of this when the moments are heated. Or when we are arm in arm. It’s only when I see your face, and examine who you are in personality and presence. Maybe it’s because you like me so much, and are not afraid to show it. Maybe I’m freaking myself out because of my cynicism. But maybe not. I’m so confused. I’ve quite possibly confused confusion again. There’s a part of me that wants to just settle for what I already have. But what I have tends to freak me out at times. What if I choose not to settle, and what I thought could be better never happens?

I love how your eyes close, when ever you kiss me. But that’s physical; mere hormones. I do believe that this ‘chemistry’ could come about under any number of the ‘right’ circumstances. Exhibit A: Bill, Exhibit B: Louis, Exhibit C: Charles, Exhibit D: Leonardo, Exhibit E: Orange County Guy, Exhibit F: Random Black Guy… I could go on. (Man that disturbs me.) What I’m saying is: With the right line, move, promise, touch, tickle, or whatnot, This ‘Chemistry’ can be ‘ignited’ and set aflame. And, I don’t like how you kiss me. It’s wet, and awkward. I’ve had better. (and now I sound like a floozy.) I’m not thinking that I couldn’t get used to it. But I don’t like it as much as I could. (And now I sound nitpicky.)

When I’m away from you I love how you miss me. I miss you a little when we’re apart. But I could attribute that to boredom. You talk to me when no one else does, and I have nothing to do. I am quite certain I would be exactly as I was without you. And feel nothing missing. No more than I did before. Not in the sense that we were never an item. In that no part of me would feel as if it were missing. I’m not 100% on that, as it has not happened. But I do believe it to be true. I want to feel those bells and whistles. I can’t psyche myself into it. And maybe my friends and everyone are right. Maybe it will come with time. Maybe I don’t even need them. Maybe I should be content with safe. Then my life will go smoother. Maybe certain will come sooner if I don’t hold out for bells and whistles.

I love the way you always treat me tenderly. I like that you can share so openly with me. And you can express such emotions and truths and thoughts with me. I wish I could be more the same. You are the ‘perfect’ guy. I do not know if you’re the perfect for me. But that may just be fear talking. I suppose I am afraid for this to be right. Stupid What If Factor. No matter how prevalently true and well placed what if is; it ruins things. And relationships are a gamble.

And now the words so gracefully sung by Chet Atkins which spurred much of the inspiration for this spout of words, and the song has run partially through my head for the past few apprehensive days;

I love how your eyes close whenever you kiss me

And when I’m away from you I love how you miss me

I love the way you always treat me tenderly

But darling most of all I love how you love me

I love how your heat beats whenever I hold you

I love how you think of me without being told to

I love the way your touch is always heavenly

But darling most of all I love how you love me

I love how you hold me

I love how you tease me squeeze me please me

I love how you love me

... ... ...

Breaks on a Runaway Train of Thought.

Alright; a problem has arisen. I am feeling apprehensive about posting to my blog my feelings and thoughts. Which is exactly what I always wanted to avoid, but is now unavoidable. I want to say something about my own personal truths, but fear the looks of those watching. I don’t want what I say to be taken in/out of context. This may sound like a strange statement. But the decisions tied to what I’d have to say, have not been made yet, and therefore may or may not be found as truths. Right now; they are mere ponderings. They are not meant to be read into by anyone but myself. So I cannot post them. My thoughts are once again; confined to my head, where they will haunt me until I can make a life altering decision on my own. Give in and gamble, or fold now, and take my earnings? My dear friend confusion… it’s been a while. But not long enough. Though; if it had been longer; the decision might be that much harder to make. So I go back to my musings. Unless I can be assured that no one will jump in and meddle with my thought process. The tracks of this train are already laid. If it derails we’re all in trouble.

… … …

Waiting Again;

What am I thinking?

I think I’m scared. I’m overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what you’re so certain of.

When you say we, it is what you perceive to be a mutual emotion. I don’t think we are on exactly the same page. I’m not even sure we’re in the same chapter.

When You say or do things and I seem unreceptive, I may be unable to cope with the fact that I’m not feeling 100% united on the topic and am freaking out and/or shutting down. I think we should try to get along as friends better before we even think about moving on in any other respect.

When we have moved past my comfort limits and you say we’ve done nothing wrong, I wholeheartedly disagree. Any level of physical intimacy, when not founded under God’s grace, is wrong. I am uncomfortable with that proximity. Though, I am feeling closer as friends. I am acting out and playing around as I would with friends and brothers. I am not specifically flirting, and I do not like when you state the assumption that I am. In general, I do not appreciate when you assume my stance on a subject. Any given subject.

We need to cool it. I’m freaking out, and am starting to want to run away. I don’t necessarily want to run away. You are safe for me. I’m just not there yet.

… … …

-I Don’t Think We Feel the Same-

When you say we,

I think you.

When I say we,

It’s based on what you’ve already stated.

When you confess truths,

I refuse to commit to a specific.

When I relay truths,

You draw unfounded conclusions,

Based on what you said about we.

I like you,

You Like me.

You are good people,

I am noncommittal.

You speak easily,

I answer with safe truths.

You eat me alive,

I falter just to please.

We could be best friends.

Best friends aren’t always lovers.

We can’t be best friends;

You want the heart I hold in my chest.

... ... ...

That is all for now. Thanks for reading along with me.

3 books for two weeks

Here's the thing. I don't know what the thing is. I leave in less than 36 hours. I have not packed yet. I have 3 books to take with me. I have no idea when I'll see my bestie Jenny. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what shoes to take. It will be cold. I don't know how to get rid of pesty boys. I could tell him in Spanish again that I have a beau. But he apparently thinks that that only lasted a month, and started bugging me again. I'm never hungry anymore. And I'm sick again. I was already sick for 25 days. 25 days! now we're on stage two of this sickness, and it's been 4 days now. I just want to be well. I really don't want to be an imposition to anyone. I think I will be. I hope I live up to the hype that's been prepared before me. Blah blahblah. I just want to breath again. I need a job. I need something to get me a little capitol in order to be able to start my own work. My own path. Maybe I can re-try the custom made dress/clothes thing. That's an idea. An idea lacking confidence. Bah-humbug. I don't want to feel ordinary.

Dog Catchers for the Greater Good

Life is pretty distressing these days. What with the state of the economy, and rampant immorality. Keeping your head on your shoulders takes a lot out of a person. So some of us strive to be better people. Make a difference. Contribute to the greater good. Or at least to what we believe is the greater good. I'm at the point where I'm questioning what I believe the greater good is anymore. Yes, I want to contribute to my American economy. But I am one entity. And I have NO clue what I'm doing. With more and more companies outsourcing, it's a wonder America has an economy at all. We are going to Hell in a Hand basket. This Empire will crumble. It's just a matter of time.

But alas; it was not my intention to go this route when I started typing. What I wanted to talk about was my writing. I was brainstorming with my brother the other day and I think I've come up with a direction for the plot of The Dog Catcher. Maybe. I want to write. I've been blogging a bunch lately. But nothing totally concrete. Mostly just thoughts and concerns based on over thinking and confusion. I want to get back to writing something with a literary purpose. I'm having trouble putting something into written form. I see all of these scenes as scenes in my head, as if they were shot in a film, or TV series. I'll see what I can do. Maybe I can tell a story that will get people thinking about what they can do to contribute to the greater good. Instead of just going along for the ride, and conforming to the idea that hell is just a sauna.

Retaliation and Pandering

Do you keep things just because they are keepers? I have a tendency to not do things that people tell me to do if I have a choice, just because I'm stubborn. I wonder if that has any relevance to what I'll do about keepers... Will I weigh the options wisely and respond with logic? or will I reason my way out of it because everyone else thinks it's good. But then; is it really good, or do people just think it is, and it's may not be? In the reverse; There are movies that I've been told I would not like, and I do... similarly; do I like them because I was told I wouldn't? I don't think so. Sometimes I even like things I'm told to like. But then am I liking it to please the person who does? We don't like to admit that other people have sway over our way of thinking. We would like to claim that our thinking is all our own and completely independent. However, it's not. We all pander to some degree. Or our stubbornness kicks in and we do the opposite. I'm going to bed now. I'll ponder this... And hopefully I'll be able to figure out what I truly think.

Too Mean to Attend

Ok, Here's the next question... I'm out of work, so where ever I find work is where I'm going to live. Where will I live if I find a job, say in; Brown Deer or Mequon? I don't have ANY money yet, so that eliminates the possibility of purchasing transportation, and living arrangements. What are the options for living at all? I can stay here... use my mom's car, sleep on her couch, live out of a suitcase and find a dead end job while I look for a real one. However; I've had no real determination to find a 'real' one. I Want RunningMan Industries! I Want to be a Rockstar. I aspire to so much. Poop. Anyways... So; Where will I stay? And what will be the means till that ends?