Mediocre Means of Being Average

I need a new plan. I had an old plan, but there were other players in that plan that pulled out. And I haven't come up with a new plan since then, because, I'm a girl and I like to live in this place called denial. 

Perhaps my new plan will me to work my life away being mediocre in Southern California. Or maybe I'll work enough at being mediocre to get back to a life that I'm not sure will be still waiting for me. I know it's not waiting for me now, but I still hope. 

Truth is; I don't know how to be more than mediocre. So I may be destined to always be mediocre. I'm just okay at most things. Those who are worse than me think I'm good. I'm just mediocre. I excel at nothing. I don't make friends easily. I am friendly with everyone, but I'm that friendly person that is forgotten. But we have been over this before. I am mediocre, average, forgettable.

In other news, besides my mediocreness... I also make mistackes. Yes, mediocre mistakes, but they have come to haunt me. Oh, maybe not haunt, but I think about them. But then again; before commiting these mistakes, I knew they were the type of thing that sticks with you. I'd heard stories. 

I HATE BEING MEDIOCRE. I HATE BEING FORGOTTEN. I immensely dislike that I'm not exceptional at anything, or to anyone.

That's enough emotional out-bursting for one night.

Rheana Nymph

So; my online friends have talked me into participating with some of their RolePlays. This one; since my character was in Scotland alone; I've written it like a story thus far: Enjoy:

Masquerading as a Redheaded twenty something, Rheana was currently trolling the pubs in Falkland, Scotland, looking to cause trouble.

As a troublesome Nymph she enjoyed playing the part of a not so local looker for these primitive folk in the local pubs. Yes, it was small trouble when it started, but she knew it could well get out of hand. It was true that this small city had come to be known the first conservative city in Scotland, but before that it was known for some violence. Rheana was sure she could find that violence in the people again, even if it meant taking down their tourism.

Rheana ducked into the Lomond Tavern and scanned the room for an empty seat. She saw an empty table butted up against another, filled with 2 gents and their dates. She smiled and made her way over to her newest victims.  

She could feel every pair of male's eyes on her as she took her seat. Rheana of course was used to, and expected this. She had perfected the walk that attracted the attention. She maneuvered her body in a way, so as to draw attention, but not be obvious about it. She placed herself in the seat against the wall with her profile turned so both men at the table next to her could ogle her curves just right.

When the waitress stepped over she gave her most award winning smile, and let local the accent seep in her voice. "Aye, Aam passin' ben tonecht, takin' in mah bonnie coontry. coods ye teel me whaur Ah micht fin' lodgin' aroond haur?" She could hear all the thoughts in the room taking in what she'd said, and grinned when she was given directions to the next street over. then the waitress asked what she'd have. "Teel me; whit is yer hoose speacialty? i'll hae 'at.." As she waited for the lady to return with her drink, she focused in on the most lustful thoughts in the room. Not surprising to Rheana, they came from one of the gents next to her.  

At the table next to her, the ladies stepped off to the bathroom. In their absence, to two gents began to speak lowly to eachother, either not knowing Rheana could hear them or not caring.
"Swatch at th' body oan 'at lassie. she's ripe fur th' pickin'.""Dae ye hink she'd pull th' auld radge?" The two continued on in this manner. Rheana called out to the waitress, playing the part of a little too drunk. "Hey! Can ye top me aff?"

"Hink she's hud enaw tae please me yit?" They laughed with eachother."Guid day quine, fancy a winch?" The taller one called over to her.
She turned then with a smile. "Ur a body ay ye braw gentlemen addressin' me?"

"Aye." 

"Whit is it ye woods loch?" She said turning to them, leaning over just right. 

"Ye dornt happen tae fancy a roll wi' me?"
"Sae blunt, an' strang, jist hoo Ah loch them. but whit woods yer lassie say?" She toyed with him. The discord went on for quite some time. She smiled evily when she saw the girls return, and heard the outrage that was in their heads. This is when she leaned in and Kissed the man. The hoots and hollers started, and he kissed her back. All head were turning in their direction. Until Rheana determined it was time for them to come up for air and see what damage would become. 

"Ye dobber. ur ye cheatin' oan mah sister?" One man called from the other side of the bar. It wasn’t long before a brawl broke out and She was able to step back and watch it all.

After a long while she became bored with the debacle and found her way outside. In the alley way she though out loud. "That was far too easy... and rather dull."

After a few streets into her stroll away from the pub, Rheana sensed a presence behind her. She could feel someone walking along behind her. She assumed it was the lad from the pub, and started working out a sub-plot. She waited until he was close enough, and pretended to trip on the cobblestone. But before she could hit the ground and fake helplessness; she was caught from behind. The arms which caught her were eerily familiar and warm. But she could not place their owner. 

"You’re not that clumsy my dear. And you’ve a higher tolerance for alcohol than even I."
At his words, Rheana knew it was Narkissos, and began to scowl. "My, your aura is dark this evening. Who exactly are you pretending to be?" Rheana pried herself free of his grasp and spun on him. 

"What do you mean I’m dark Narky? And I’m just out for a stroll. Stopped in for a pint on my way to Perth."
He only smiled at her words. 

"How long have you been following me and what do you want?" Rheana asked. She had already got it in her head to have the closest branch smack him from behind. 

"I don’t know what you mean. But I would advise against that, put the branch down Rheana, I mean you no harm and you know that." She growled as she lowered the branch. "I was just thinking that since I was traveling from Buckhaven as well, we could go together." 

"Very well. But I’m warning you" don’t get in the way of my dastardly plans." He put his hands up in surrender. Then followed her as she stomped off. 

FACELess Ladies; a dialogue. -

"Oh my gosh, I thought she’d never leave."

"Oh I know, it took forever."

"I would have said something, but I didn’t want to seem rude."

"Me either. She’s just so eeh."

"Exactly. Her presence just irks me sometimes."

"I know what you mean."

"We should really do something about her coming back."

"Yes, no one wants her here. Do they?"

"Well, I certainly don’t. Do you?"

"Of course not. Why should I want her here? I just try to be nice to her when she is here."

"You are too kind."

"I know. But I do what I can."

"I just wish there was a way to block her from coming back here, without saying it directly to her."

"Why can’t we say it directly to her? I would, but I don’t want to be the only one saying it."

"Oh, I’d back you up, 100%."

"Really?"

"Really. If you tell her, I’ll stand with you on it."

"Ok then. If you’ll stand with me. Next time she comes in, I’ll tell her we don’t want her anymore."

"You’ve got a deal."

"Deal."

"What are you going to say?"

"I’ll just say: I’m sorry, but you are not welcome here anymore. And leave it at that."

"Ooooh, that’s cold. But good."

"You think it’s too cold?"

"No, just cold enough, or else she might not get it, and try hanging around."

"We can’t have that. So I’ll be cold enough."

"Oh, oh, here she comes. You’re on."

"Hello ladies, I just came back for my jacket."

"Um, she has something to say to you. Go on."

"What? Um, I... I just wanted to say I liked your haircut."

"Thank you. That’s nice of you to notice."

"You’re welcome."

"What, what about?"

"Well, I will see you two later. I have to go now. Bye."

"Bye."

"Later... Why didn’t you say it?"

"I kinda just froze."

"Uugh! She’s just going to come back whenever now."

"I’m sorry. I just couldn’t be that cold. You do it next time."

"Fine. I’ll do it. Which way did she go?"

"What? Now?"

"Yes now. I can’t stand that little twerp."

Driving Complications

The day had been long, and the three passengers traveling in the red car speeding along in the carpool lane were more than weary. In the back rode Christof, a boy of 20 with no track in life but the whims that he was feeling. And today, he was not feeling his on-again-off-again girlfriend as a need. He had just finished relating to his companions his eagerness to be rid of the shrew.

Isaiah, in the passenger’s seat, remained silent, though he couldn’t agree more. He had been against any union between the two since the first time. However, being Christof’s junior by 2 years, he could not bring him to see reason, and rid himself of her permanently.

The two of them seemed a grim pair, each minding themselves, staring blankly out of their own windows. And thought the day had been long and weary, though she despised the wretch that was her brother Isaiah’s friend’s girlfriend. Elizabeth had a slight smirk emerging onto her face as they drove on. She watched the lines of the road as the oncoming traffic blinded her in the windscreen. That sadistic smile grew unknowingly to the others, as she contemplated what it would be like to careen the vehicle into the center dividing wall of the interstate they traveled.

Tears of a Beached Whale

It's so strange feeling this way. Not that the feeling is strange. Or why I do. It is more strange because of it's origin. 

I know that people are insensitive in general. I also know that online is not the same as real life. I know that people do not always pay attention. I realize that not everyone has the same moral capacities for being 'nice' that I have. 

It is more in the fact of what had just been said. Followed directly by opinions. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I understand that people like what they like. But do they have to consider what they don't like as wrong? I am what I am, and I can't change it. The things that I should be able to take control of physically do not change regardless. I have killed myself trying. I continue to. I refrain from what I should refrain from, but I am still no less than I am.

I also understand that everyone's frame of reference is different. But when some peoples are voiced so convictedly from their own mouths... I feel like I am less in mine than I should be. I hate that. 

I can only be who I am. I don't want to feel put down due to it.

I am Van, around one hundred and seventy to one hundred and eighty pounds since the end of eighth grade. I am at least a double D.

Raising an Overlord

My original intents were only to keep the child away from his father. But it transformed into something so much more. As time went by; I knew it would be impossible to share his existence with anyone from the court, and so I kept him to myself. (rule #46  Never trust anyone fully.) I named him, I trained him, I created what he is becoming… and it is magnificent. But I digress.

The boys father is a powerful man, radiant with energy the makings of a true villain. He could have made it. He even wrote the book on how it could be done. But his damned pride keeps him from achieving ultimate greatness. He is loved by all; a ladies man, a Man’s man, a beautiful creature of fortitude. But as I must impart to you now; all of his intentions lead to evil. And a corrupted evil of that sort does not make the best ruler. So I keep his child secret. I let the court believe I had miscarried, and I could no longer bear children. My reasoning for this being twofold; one: so that they would believe the child dead, and two: to make it so I would go untouched. (on some levels, I do regret thwarting the touch of a great man. But that was a pleasure I have to deny myself, for the good of our son.)

I see in his son; a greatness that even Xereaux could never accomplish. Not even in his most sadistic dreams. My son is Easton, and he will grow up to be the greatest overlord the world has ever seen.

World of Gray Working Title

So I'm working on another dream I had...

In a world of gray and no major emotions, where children are taught everything in the form of a drab comic style book; there is an interesting phenomena occurring.

...

I’m not sure whose idea it was in the first place, though I’m sure all intentions were pure. But we’ve converted to studying the children. On our quest to further our knowledge we’ve hit a road block, and wish to know what; if anything; a child, uninhibited, un-brainwashed by a society without media will come to think of when they learn, what is their main goal? What do they take from it? Needless to say; the ideals of their parents have a tendency to show through. Things which the child could sparsely know of, but to be told by a parent, for the knowledge of that if far gone, have come out; baseballs and aprons in hues of pink. Our research has truly proved remarkable. The imagination is a wonderful thing, even when it’s controlled.

There are few cases however that are cause for noteworthy concern. Not because they’re unproductive, but rather: because they are. For instance; there is the case of two boys, who for some reason in our world of equal-ness and control, do not get along. They never have. Today during their monitored learning; coming down the belt, the one boy had a snide smirk upon his face. And he looked down at us with an unearned look of superiority (this was puzzling in and of itself). His session in the Bauble took surprisingly less time than the other children’s normally do, and when he came out for his scan, it showed only a picture of a gray earth. The other boy in question, though neutral on his journey down the belt, seemed rather resigned. His time in the Bauble took quite a time longer than his peers. His scan too, was odd. It turned on as black and after a few frames began to static. In the beginning, watching the learners attempt to fix the static, which they’d never encountered before, was highly entertaining. But it was also alarming. In this world; static does not exist. What could this mean? What was this boy leaning? What was in those books? Who was shaping their minds? 

I am Dr. Louisa Parnnasis, Head Children’s Learning Researcher at the Institute of Collective Knowledge. And I am frightened. …

Faceless texting makes me you

I do not understand this phenomena that is 'finding' 'love'. How is one supposed to get to know someone else when either one or both parties have predetermined expectations of what themselves or the other is supposed to be. And of course; then there's the whole new idea of internet dating. Which in and of itself lends itself to being the creation of such falsities. It's all become so faceless. I do not know who I ought to be anymore. I do try with all that I am to be who I am more than anything. But even that is twisted. You are expected to be someone so you give in to the inquiries that require you to be that. But that is not truly who you are to begin with. Most of my 'getting to know you' personality; is based upon gauging the other persons reactions, and being myself. Which includes gestures and other non verbal communication. Because I am not merely words. If I were; I would be drab and boring beyond all reason. and who then; would want to want me. Or I would come across as what I am expected to be, which then I would be only like what else they've encountered, and not myself, which in turn would make for a rude awakening once they actually met me. In other words. I do not want to be expected to be something I am not, and then chided for not truly being that which I was expected to be. That would be pure hypocrisy.

Who is Framed in Happy Ever After?

I think I should forewarn you: this is going to be a bit scattered. 

I'm not sure why, but I've only wanted to watch the same movie over and over agian for the last while. It's not even a movie I particularly care for. In fact; once upon a time, I hated it. But that has not stopped me from watching it 4+ times in the past few weeks. 

Maybe it has something to do with my emotional well being, and it's current state. My ego as well. It has had a few kicks of late, and those kicks have proven very detrimental. Once again I have been placed on a rather high pedestal. I don't know how I manage these things. I do not attempt to get into these things. I cannot even live up to the expectations of this post. I don't like continually falling from that height. There is too much riding on other people expectations of me.

I do not understand how I can be more than what I am. I am what I am, and do not pretend to be more than that. How is it that people come up with these ideas about what my disposition is or will be? 

I need a job. I also require a new company name. RunningMan Industries has proved quite confusing to the 'masses' and therefore now needs to be changed. 

I think I'm still lost for two persons of the same magnitude and neither one is the same in regard in return. I don't even think there's room or way to move on from here anymore. 

That settles it; I've ruined me. Good night all.

Talking to Stargazers

cir·cum·stance - noun

1.a condition, detail, part, or attribute, with respect to time, place, manner,agent, etc., that accompanies, determines, or modifies a fact or event; a modifying or influencing factor: Do not judge his behavior without considering every circumstance.

The circumstances of life define who we are, and what we become. Not definitively. We do need to use circumstances to our benefit. However; if we do not have to opportunity for some circumstances, we have no way to grow from the experiences that they create. If I had been afforded other leisure's in life, the circumstances of my existence would have changed, and therefore would have changed me.

For instance, if i would never had met Rocky, I would not have had some of the life experiences that I have experienced with him. If the circumstances had changed. Say; I wasn't proficient in Microsoft office, so I hadn't tested out of it, I would have been on time to class, and would not have been seated next to him.I would have been early, and knowing me, I would have seated myself somewhere nearer to the center of the room. A neutral position. Or If I had not been walking through the hall in HS that day, like I wasn't supposed to be. I never would have found the postcard to inquire about the school. Suppose I had had friends in HS and hadn't needed to find someplace solitary to be alone during lunch time? I would still possibly not have some of those friends that I made in college. I may have not attended that school. Suppose I'd not had my tooth broken when I was in the 2nd grade, Perhaps my peers would not have made fun of me, and I might have been able to make friends because I wouldn't have looked like a freak. Suppose I'd never moved out of Barstow to Wisconsin. Suppose I'd never fallen out of the car and had to go to the hospital? Suppose that lady at the campground had never bought me a pair of $100 shoes. What if I'd tried harder at some things? What if I'd been more outspoken? What if I'd been a little more confident? What if I hadn't been so insightful? What if I paid attention to the what ifs and continually looked at what I could have done different? Then I wouldn't be who I am. This contemplating the past thing takes on a real snowball effect, and barrels in on itself. It calls for pondering after pondering of what could have been; if only. Which is useless, You can not change the past. You can, however; learn from it. I'm glad I made the decisions I made in life. Some things, in retrospect, I wish didn't have to happen for me to learn, but I don't regret anything. I am grateful for my circumstance. I intend to take each circumstance as a gift and be who I will become.

236 missed times to say what I feel...

Wow 236 posts. I've gone from topic to topic, and from trend to trend. The last... 3 and a half years(?) have been interesting. I went from no readers to the occasional reader, to an avid reader and back to occasional readers. I don't really have a point yet, but maybe I'll come up with one. I started this when I was 21 years old. I am now 24. I have a few of the same friends. Some of them took a break from me, some of them are friendships in new or different capacities now. I've had a lot of new life experiences since I turned 21 too. Like I went to Berlin, I traveled out of this country on my own. I've been homeless, and lived in Orange County. I've driven a Cadillac and had to donate my car to charity because the transmission went kaput. I have learned things about others. And made discoveries about myself. I've graduated from College. And I've found the type of best friend I've always wanted. I recorded a few songs, and performed a concert. I've been management, and jobless. I've waited tables, and a designer, and a retailer, and an entrepreneur. I've had 'love' and I've lost. I've been heart broken, and been resolute. I've made some art, and taken some classes. I've laughed a lot, and cried a few times. I've spent quality time with family, and suffered great loss. I've changed a lot. But somehow, I feel that I'm the same in many ways. I still fall for the same lines from certain people. I still am naive enough to trust people who aren't trustworthy. I've lost some bitterness, but have gained some new cynicisms, so I feel that they even out. I still feel insignificant at times. I also still feel inadequate at my chosen profession. On the other hand lots of things have changed. Like; I want some different things for my life now. I won't get into that now though... mostly because I don't really know if that is what I want... I'm going to stop now. I've completely lost my train of thought.