And my name is...?

I considering a name change. When I am married, my current names for my blogs will no longer make any sense. Van will no longer be a part of my name, unless I choose to keep my maiden name. I am also considering going only by my game tag and my first name. I have no idea yet what my blog's names will become at that point, but I am considering it. I may give up the idea all together though and simply keep the blogs as is and let them remain beyond confusing to the masses. Input please, I keep going round an round with this on my own. What would I rename my blogs to if I did change? The current names are RawCeeyena (which I would keep), Van's train of thought (aka; vanscreative.blogspot.com), DesignerVan, HealthyVan, and LiteraryVan. Ceeyena is my gamer tag, and if you know me, you know my first name. If you've read any of this blog before, you may have realized that I don't care for my soon to be married name, but I'll get over it. Ideas?

I'd like one ring to rule them all... but he wants 3.

I have been looking for rings lately. A wedding band for him, and a more proper engagement ring for me. We need to at least get the engagement ring before I move away. So I brought it up to the Mr. yesterday. Apparently he has a few preconceived ideas about the rings that he failed to tell me previously. I don't have a problem with him having his own wants and needs, I actually welcome that. But he's terrible at explaining, and I can't figure out why he wants what he wants. We've made an appointment with each other to choose rings on Friday, but I'm still not sure I understand. Are there specific things that are supposed to happen with rings? What if I don't want to wear more than one ring? I've actually mentioned this to him before. Why should we spend money on an engagement ring that's going to be put away in a box as soon as we're married for the rest of eternity? He wants our wedding bands to match, what If I don't want the same ring he wants? He also says that I can't use my engagement ring as a wedding band as well. He specifically said that. The wedding band must be the ring that he puts on my finger the day of the wedding, and not something I had been wearing before. I'm not completely opposed to the idea of matching rings, and could consider the others... I just don't understand why, all of a sudden, he has these opinions about what's right and wrong procedure for rings. Is there specific protocol that I'm missing, something that I should consider? Sometimes I wish he had a longer attention span.

Name Changing Blues

I have been thinking about this since long before we got engaged... it's going to be a real pain in my ass to change my name. Not just for legal reasons, but for personal reasons as well. I don't go by my first name, and haven't for at least 8 years. I go by a variation of my last name. That's my current last name. And I've always known that I would change my last name when I got married, but I never envisioned it being a last name that I disliked so much. So I, myself, am having trouble wrapping my head around not going by my current nickname anymore (which in and of itself is already a hassle to explain to people), and going back to my real first name (which people butcher so much, which caused me to go by my nickname in the first place). I could keep my nickname and hyphenate my last name with his last name, but my current name is already far too long as is. I have 2 first names, a long middle name and a two part last name, and his last name is actually longer than my current last name. So fully written out my name is currently 28 characters long. If I change it to his it will be 30 characters long. If I hyphenate it will become 39 characters plus punctuation. But that's not even the real issue. The real issue is I don't want to go back to my first name, but my nickname will no longer make sense. "It's short for my last name." will no longer suffice. It'll be: "It's short for my maiden name." That'll give 'em all goggely 'you're a crazy one, aren't you' eyes. *deep breath* Am I crazy? Is there a way around this? Or am I just going to have to go back to my first name and have people butcher my name for the rest of my life... "Thank you so much for letting me know I'm pronouncing my own name wrong, I had no idea it's pronounced the way you just said it and no the way it's been said for 26 years." Did I mention I don't like his last name? Does that make me a bad person? Can we change our last name to his gamer last name? I like that one.

Which reminds me, I have to throw my online personality name in there as well... CHIT!

Why Yes I am an Off Beat Bride!

It gets kinda old every time I state the fact that it's been a while since my last post, so from now on; I'll try to refrain from pointing it out. Hopefully this will be the last time. I have been posting "Journal Entries" on the OffBeatBride website, but they are almost completely wedding related. Except for the most recent one or two. Which deal with factors that have come about due to wedding planning and life in general. Instead of posting each on individually, I will post them all in this entry. Then I'll (Probably) start posting here, from here on in for things not to do specifically with the wedding. And probably those as well... So without further ado. From first to most recent; my OffBeathBrideTribe posts:

Choosing the answers to People's questions. (1)
I have been sitting in this same spot on this couch for at least a week. I'm surprised my laptop hasn't burned through my legs yet. This wedding planning stuff is keeping me busy though, I feel like I'm being productive. So far this week, we've decided on our more specific, general color scheme, a theme and added on to our wedding party. Actually this site helped me narrow down how to describe what I want, and pinpoint what exactly that was. So: Drumroll please... Our colors are Bright Sunflower Yellow, Deep Dark Blue leaning more towards green than purple, and all shades of Gray (with a hint of blue if it must.) Now I know that sounds rather specific, and I've been battling with it for a couple days now because I've been afraid of what everyone will think and how they'll react to it *Deep breaths* But then I realized I could give out this more neurotic color palette and ask people involved to stick to it as closely as humanly possible (within reason, of course). I was also afraid of choosing the colors I wanted because everyone said it wouldn't mesh well with the weather or the environment. Pah-lease! The other thing that helped say it's okay to define my colors so narrowly is the theme/style I chose. I want an 8bit Cocktail Party Wedding. The Puese (Fiancee) and I are both fans of video games, he's more of a super-fan than I am, but we do play on almost a daily basis. Mash that up with my desire to have everyone dress up, and my affinity for vintage "Finer things" fashions, I came up with the theme we now have. Now I'm going to take a break for looking at DIY tutorials for creating flowers and decorations and play some Zelda to get a better scope on what I want those flowers to look like. In the end it's our wedding and we'll do what we want.

Talking through my issues
So I had an emotional/mental breakdown last night. I'm still trying to figure out what triggered it, and why it happened, but I do think I have some contributing factors nailed down.
One; I'm not working. I can't find work. I have loads of time on my hands. I have plenty of things I'd like to do with that time. I cannot feasibly choose to do those things. Well, why not? Because we're supposed to move at the end of the year. I don't want to create anything else that would add to the number and amount of things we'll have to transport across the country. So I feel useless.  - To combat this, I could probably have Some arts and crafts time, and make some things just to see if I can. I don't have to make them for the wedding, and I can then get rid of them before we move.
Two; I feel uncomfortable in this space. At the beginning of this year it was established or determined, that my terrible job was more destructive to me than it was worth. So I quit my job and moved in with my BF. A few months earlier he'd moved back from up north and in to his brother's house (Which is a duplex with his parent's house). So it was us in his brother's house, ultra close to his parents. This paired with my personal issues with personal space and social awkwardness makes me not want to get into anyone else's space and do anything "Productive" because it might get shunned/cut short/or something.  - I have no idea how to combat this, but If I rearranged my room for the day, I might be able to find the space to do a craft.
Three; I'm doing this all alone. Because we haven't moved yet, all of the people I would enlist to assist me, don't live anywhere close to me. They are thousands of miles away. My mother is here, but she works full time and is having marital issues with her new husband. I suppose I could try and find out if any of my friends here would help me out, but I don't have a car, so I can't drive anywhere. And this is Southern California, no one can be bothered to step outside of their own bubbles and come to me.
I'm sure there's more to my breakdown. But I'm a bit better today, and Fiancee doesn't work today so I can try talking it out with him. He really is the best. He got me a chili-cheeseburger and watched the Iron Giant with me last night; Two of my favorite things.

Whirlwind of WoW ideas on my Anniversary
I am feeling much better now. I am no longer curled up in a ball sobbing and freaking out. Yesterday, to thwart my own reasoning, I pulled my arts and crafts stuff out of it's storage place and set to work trying to create those things that I've found to create. I've been staring at DIY flower creations and have been feeling hopeless about making any of them because I don't want to make anything just so I have to move it later. But DUH! I don't have to make the real ones now. So I set out o make as many paper flowers as I could out of construction paper. I then remade some of them with a video game twist, by either adding a black line to them so they looked cell shaded or by squaring them off so they looked like large pixels. I successfully made 6 different flowers. And I think some of them are sturdy enough to make a bouquet our of. Others are good for other purposes, like boutonnieres. So there's a sense of accomplishment right there. I just need to make sure I can make them out of more sturdy/attractive paper then construction paper, and that my colors will work with my altered designs. But sitting here staring at them (paired with a little talk the Mr. and I had last night about what we want, and what inspires us.) I've been on a roll of fun ideas for our 8 bit Cocktail party.
We both play WoW and other games, and we both liked the idea of the quest, but were unsure how to incorporate it without it feeling out of place. So today; I decided that each of our mailing pieces can be a quest (Invitation, Save the date, Directions card) which would have their own corresponding "quest turn in" (Reply card, the ceremony itself, the bar). Then to go along with that (haven't worked out all of the specifics yet.) But instead of a full bar, because we can't afford that. We would have a specialty cocktail bar. We can create our own cocktails for the event or rename some standard ones. Then for a cocktail menu, we can have the ingredients listed out like item stats. The quest could also be a good way to make sure everyone knows what's going on when (I've been to plenty of weddings where people, or at least I, don't know what's going on next.)
I may need to mock a few of these things up and talk it through with a few people before I set my heart on it though. But all in all, it could be fun and has the potential to be classy.

Hi there; I'm ME.
After reading several posts today, I realized I too had not appropriately introduced myself.

Hi! My name in JohannaJoy. But I go by Van. (For family and people I've known my whole life, or at least since HS call me Johanna). Van is short for my last name. Current last name. *Squeee." I am currently unemployed and pretty much unemployable in our current local and situation. I do, however, have a degree in graphic design. I have been blogging since 2007, but when I realized no one really reads my blog, I kinda only post when I really have something specific to rant about, and I have the time to do it. I'm socially awkward and uber quirky. Usually I'm the odd one out in my family, and my "friends" (Those people whom I've spent time with, but never talk to me... Welcome to L.A. people) know me as being the sporadic nonsense driven, eclectic, crazy one. I don't know if any or all of those things are true, but it's better than being the lame one. I am a nerd enthusiast... I may need to explain this later.
My Fiance is my best friend, my soul-mate, if I were to believe in that, and all around favorite person in the world. Kevin. He's been married before (which I was once friends with both him and his ex-wife. No, I didn't break up their marriage) which sometimes bugs me, but only when he talks about it. He's a game-nerd and beer enthusiast. He's got personality up to whazoo, has amazing ideas, and truly loves me and understands me.
We have both known we wanted to get married since very early in our dating relationship (For him it may have been the day it started...He's said some things) For the past 7+months we've been talking about getting married but nothing has happened. When we first started talking about it, he said next June. So it's become and ongoing joke with us to say. "Wait; are you proposing?" then the other will get a happy derp face... Finally; we were in WI visiting my family and at my best friends wedding, and I asked him why we weren't engaged yet.(I didn't want to plan something until it was official because of my family and their noses getting stuck in my business all the time) So; long story shorter, we bought a ring and have set a date for 1 year after the "proposal" to the date. (I already wrote a blog post about the proposal and don't feel like rewriting it.)
More about us: I'm 26 and he just turned 30. We're planning to move out of Southern California back to the small town I grew up in, in Wisconsin and have the wedding there. Our colors are Sunflower Yellow, and Gray Scale with an accent of Deep Sea Blue (yellow and gray are my favorites). Our theme is called the 8 Bit Cocktail Party, which basically means the whole thing will be a cocktail party with a ceremony in the middle with a video game twist. I don't like real flowers because they die, so I'll be DIYing the floral arrangements. I don't like real diamonds and all that that imply's, so my current engagement ring is a $12.50 ring from the Icing in a setting I like, coated in clear nail polish so I don't get a green finger. I've decided that I NEED my 2 best friends in my wedding party. 1 gets me and keeps me calm, the other is an organizational freak, in a good way and understands that this will be my wedding. Which is good, because Kevin wants his Best friend and his brother. The only issue with that is; I'm not sure I have any other friends than that, so only family will attend the wedding, and my family is a giant mash up, hodgepodge of drudgery and whatnot. We play video games together. Last week we got our Alliance characters up to level 80 (Which is the last expansion I have). So we just made Horde and are working on getting them up there as well. I LOVE Minecraft, we have our own server. I like to think I have a little style. I enjoy retro styles from the 20s-early 60's but can't really take all the hippy stuff (mostly) even though my personal ideals are a bit more in line with that than not. Lastly; I'm a firm believe in Buying local. Supporting my local economy before anything, and then If I can be eco-conscious, Do IT!
I've rambled on now; Thanks for reading.

Just a few fears...
I realized the other day, at a Halloween party, (again) that I am extremely socially awkward. Which led me to thinking...
1) Nobody ever comes to my parties, why would anyone come to my wedding. For instance, my last birthday party, only 2 people came to. The first came incredibly early, I hadn't even gotten ready yet. The other came 3 hours late and stayed for half an hour.
2) When I'm around a lot of people I don't know at all, or don't know well, I shut down.
My fear now is that the only people who will come are going to be the Mr's guests. Then I'll shut down, maybe cry and little, and end up not enjoying myself at all.

He Finally talked to his parents and other things.
 Yay! So the Mr. finally spoke to his parents. Which was like pulling teeth for me. (I mean seriously; I spoke to both of my parents in person, and neither of them live close. We live in the other half of a duplex as his). Granted; I know that he didn't want to tell them because of how they would react. They know we're engaged, but he needed to tell them we're planning on getting married after we move to Wisconsin from California, so the wedding will NOT be here in SoCal. And Lo; they reacted just the way he expected them to. Super negatron. At least he's told them, and now they know, and the fretting over telling them is now over. So now I am just waiting for them to give me their quest list requests.

In other news, I've sent out thank you notes to everyone that's agreed to help me plan the wedding. I put together notes for the bridesmaids, both my parents, and my MOH's mother. I'm super excited about them. I made them look like a quest from WoW! and I aged the paper myself. I used regular printer paper, and envelopes I already had. The only thing I had to buy was the string that is my wedding colors and the postage, which was 5 stamps. I like it enough that I will most likely make all the rest of our stationary this way. I'll probably put together a tutorial when I make the next thing. Yay! So the Mr. finally spoke to his parents. Which was like pulling teeth for me. (I mean seriously; I spoke to both of my parents in person, and neither of them live close. We live in the other half of a duplex as his). Granted; I know that he didn't want to tell them because of how they would react. They know we're engaged, but he needed to tell them we're planning on getting married after we move to Wisconsin from California, so the wedding will NOT be here in SoCal. And Lo; they reacted just the way he expected them to. Super negatron. At least he's told them, and now they know, and the fretting over telling them is now over. So now I am just waiting for them to give me their quest list requests.
In other news, I've sent out thank you notes to everyone that's agreed to help me plan the wedding. I put together notes for the bridesmaids, both my parents, and my MOH's mother. I'm super excited about them. I made them look like a quest from WoW! and I aged the paper myself. I used regular printer paper, and envelopes I already had. The only thing I had to buy was the string that is my wedding colors and the postage, which was 5 stamps. I like it enough that I will most likely make all the rest of our stationary this way. I'll probably put together a tutorial when I make the next thing.

Moving 2,000 miles alone
I may have just realized why I'm in the funk that I'm in. It's something that I think I have known in the back of my mind for some time, and I just didn't want to accept as the best possible option for the Mr's and my current predicament. Let's take a step back a moment to help clarify...
We (FH and I) have been planning to move out of Southern California. We have also been planning to have our wedding in Wisconsin. Ergo; we're planning to move to Wisconsin. Not really brain surgery that. However, the getting there is proving a bit more elusive of a task. FH works Part-time Retail I have been out of work since March of this year. We need to save up enough money to relocate over 2,000 miles away. So that's the cost of a movie van/truck, 1st/last mo's rent on whatever we can find, plus other moving expenses. I have been looking for work for a long while here, but in this "Wonderful" economy; No such luck. So we're still living paycheck to paycheck and not making any headway, and at this rate; it won't be until after the wedding, and then some, before we can move... and that would be a step backwards in a way. SO! The only way I can see for us to get out there, is for me to go out there now, and for him to follow me when we have enough. I have family out there that I can stay with for a while. There are more opportunities out there to find work, and the cost of living is much much less (one reason for us wanting to move in the first place.) I have not been wanting this to be the choice, because I don't want to go alone. The amount of time that will be in between myself and FH coming out there is unknown. But we do have enough money right now for me to fly out there.
In a perfect world, this is how it would work: I book my flight for the week after Thanksgiving. Then; while we wait for me to go, We go through all of my stuff in storage and sort out what we will need for him to bring with him, and what we can get rid of. I will also start applying to jobs out there in the city where my aunt lives. Then; when I'm earning as much as FH is now, we can look into renting our own place and he would come out with our stuff.
...
But wait! My dad just called and had an idea. I can come ASAP. (My dad is there, but not an option to stay with) He will help me find a car and FH and I a place to stay. So we can find places to work at the same time. THEN; my mom can bring our stuff out to us. (My mom would much rather be out there, and takes any excuse to venture that way.) My dad says he'll ask around about places, jobs and vehicles. If we did it that way, we'd both be out there round about the same time. AND we would have Christmas in the SNOW!
But then I got off the phone and realized that my dad is always full of good ideas, and the reason my mom and I are back in CA is because he has almost zero follow through (BUT THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE). So back to my depressy idea of going alone. (FH and I have barely been apart more than a few days since October of last year, and not more than a day since probably March.
All this to say; it's really difficult to worry about all these things, and plan a wedding from 2,000 miles away with our present circumstances. If anyone has ideas I'm missing; I'd like to hear them.

A hold on planning and a checklist of things to do
We may have to put a hold on wedding planning. We've decided that I'm going (Moving 2,000 miles). But before I go there are some things that we have to get done. Some of these things we've already accomplished.
- Buy a plane ticket. I'd like to leave November 29th.
- Find a place to stay. I've called my aunt, and close friend to see if I can stay with them for a while. My dad is searching for apartments and rooms for rent for me as well.
- Design the wedding website. I won't really have time once I'm gone to work on designing the site, I will, however find time to update it. So I finished designing it this morning. It's not as fancy as any of those pre-made wedding website thingies, but I wanted it to match our stationary. The only way to accomplish that was to put it together myself.
- Re-pack all of my things from my last apartment and have them ready to move. We started this yesterday. We went through all of my kitchen and dinning room stuff, and were able to consolidate it all into One and a Half boxes by way of donation to both thrift stores and people we know. We still have the rest of my stuff and all of his stuff to go through. Luckily, most of my stuff was kitchen stuff and clothes.
- Pack. Since I'm going alone, and will be flying, I have to be able to consolidate my belongings into what I'll need only.
- Find a job. I need to earn as much as possible as soon as possible, so that FH can come be with me.
- Gather guest list requests from my mom and his parents.
I don't think I'm forgetting anything. :/

The Engagement of my lifetime!

I know I haven't posted in a while, and I know this because I just realized that I haven't mentioned anything about my wedding! I haven't gushed, or (heads to the dictionary/thesaurus to find the right words) Blabbed, or Gibbered, or Jabbered, or Prattled, or Raved, or Spilled the Beans, or Squealed, or Talked Nonsensically about it at all yet here. As of September 28th, 2012, BF and I were officially engaged. We'd been discussing it for a long time and I finally asked him what we were waiting for. Neither of us could come up with a good enough reason for putting it off any longer, so we made a plan while we were in WI visiting. We went to the mall, stopped in at the Icing by Claire's and chose a style costume jewelery ring that we both like the looks of. We both knew it would be a temporary ring, but it didn't make sense to wait on getting engaged because of such materialistic trivialities. So he paid for it, ($12.50) unwrapped it, held it out to me in the middle of the mall and asked me if I'd like to marry him, and I said I would... yay! Then the process of enlightening the interested parties ensued and before we got back to my aunt's house, my phone died. Directly after that (meaning the next day) we drove down to Indiana to see some of his friends and the even was forgotten amongst them. But then we drove further into Indiana to visit some more of my family and the whole thing came back full force. My sister even took me to a full service wedding dress salon to look at dresses. Which, I found an amazing dress and was able to purchase it! Then we spent a few days in Florida as he took an intensive, then we drove all the way back to SoCal where I've been perusing wedding sites ever since, trying to narrow down all those things that I want in our wedding. Our original plan was to get married in June, because that's what we'd joked about when we first started talking about the wedding, but then we decided it would better suit us to have it later in the year. Our current (and hopefully permanent) date for our wedding will be September 28th, 2013. Somewhere in Wisconsin. That's all I know for certain besides who've I've already asked to be in it. So there's that. I am quite happy and will hopefully remember to keep everyone in the loop as I progress through this. Until next time, Good Night!

The Degree of Unnecessary

Mike Tracy - Former Ai Teacher

So I have been hearing some rather unpleasant things lately about the "college" I attended for my "degree" in Graphic Design. And I have to say: I'm not that surprised. Some other students have been speaking out against their system lately and that makes me smile. (More Links Links Links)

For me: After I was convinced that I should go to this school by some crafty salesmen, and told that my lack of funds wouldn't ever become an issue, I enrolled. I made it far enough in my program to realize that the major I'd chosen wasn't what I'd wanted at all. The Multi-Media program I'd chosen turned out to be a web-design based curriculum with very little to hardly any video production involved. So I changed majors (to something "good enough") under the continued assumption that I wouldn't lose out on anything. In the long run though, the school continued to mess up my classes, schedules, and credits from that point on. For instance; I was enrolled in a class, finished the quarter and found out the last day that I was no longer enrolled in that class. (The staff had put me in that class themselves, I did not enroll personally). Turned out I was required to take another class, then retake that first class and not receive any credit for being there at 7:30am every week for Eleven weeks straight. I was displeased but I soldiered on.

I did enjoy and respect a handful of my teachers there. I did learn a lot from them. But near the end; the forces that were, were making the "don't worry about the money" fairy disappear. I was so close to the end, and I'd been promised so much. I couldn't give up having received nothing... To make a long story a bit shorter; When I graduated I was unable to find work, and six months after I finished; the school refused to continue to help me. Not that they were much help prior to that. So here I am; a college graduate with thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt, with a piece of paper (actually; they never sent me my diploma, so without a piece of paper and no way to pay dear old Sallie Mae.

In hindsight, if I could have taken maybe a max of 10 of those classes with those teachers, and only those; I'd be well off and know that helpful information I know now. But I'd still be in an industry I didn't care for in the first place. In other words: I just wish someone had warned me before I dove headfirst into this mess called the Art-Institute. 

Motivating a Motivator

I don't know if anyone has to deal with this, the way that I do, but I'm sure other people have to deal with motivation. They say that humans are creatures of habit, but I don't think that's entirely accurate. There are some who say that if you do something long enough, "routinely," it will become second nature and habit forming. They say if you do something for three weeks, or for a few months. But for me, I have to force myself to do things everyday. I still have to talk myself into brushing my teeth. Which, I do, every day. Starting this spring, I was going swimming every day. And every day, I'd get ready and get out there, and then; standing at the edge of the pool, I'd have to hype myself up to jumping in. This started back in April, it's now July, and I still have to talk myself into jumping in. Last year, I put myself on a strict exercise regime, and I did it from May until September. That whole time, I had to talk myself into it every day. Yes, some days were easier than others, but as soon as life got stressful, I was unmotivated to motivate myself to keep trying. As some know; I'm trying again with the exercise thing. Since my circumstances of living are significantly different now, It's much more difficult to actually Do what I think I should and to stay on track. In other words, this time around; my self conscious self gets in the way. Though I recognize this, that doesn't make it any less difficult on a daily basis. I'm also not receiving any outside motivation either, actually; at times, it's quite the opposite. That's actually part of the reason for me making my healthyvan.blogspot.com blog. Also the reason for the 10 day check-in videos on my Ceeyena account on Youtube. It's also the reason I'm putting actual photos up of me in all my fatness as well. I'm trying to trick myself into being motivated and just do it. Hasn't really worked yet though. 
However, I have assumed the role of the motivator for Mr. Peanut. I can figure out the right, true, things to say when he needs it. Most days it's easy for me to motivate someone else, especially if I believe in them. Maybe that's the issue, right there... I don't believe in me. 

I Sleep with Spiders Bro

I am considering revamping the Look and feel of this here blog. Not sure if I'll go through with it. But it does "need" to be done. Some other things that need to be done; I need to screen those shirts for Client #1, and I need to deep clean the bedroom. There are spiders under my bed. BF likes to put the pillows on the ground next to the bed when he goes to sleep. Ergo; when I make the bed, there are now spiders ON the bed. This is definitely not good. What I'd like to do is get in there and take everything out and then vacuum  and mop and sweep and dust and all that jazz and then reorganize all the stuff, but the room is too small for that, and I'm not feeling dedicated enough to start a task like that, one which requires it all to get done in one day; or else I WILL go crazy. And I kind of like my sanity... The little bit of it I have left. 
And Now I'm just going to say this; Some people make me uncomfortable. Why the SamHill would a damn "Bro" try and hit on me?! My BF is the fourth wheel to this tiny party. It must be my mesmerizing Double D's.

Drunk and Unclean

I rarely do this anymore; and the thought just occurred to me; if for no other reason than this, one shouldn't drink until they're drunk... Hygiene. There is no drunk person (that I've ever come in contact with) who is passing out, falling over, stupid drunk who says; "Hey guys, wait a minute, I need to wash up before going to bed." No! They just plop. Depending on the level of drunk, they may consider this as an option. But if they are wholly drunk; ain't gonna happen. Personally I hate the feeling of waking up in an aura of funk. Besides the funk of your body, stomach, and head disagreeing with the amount of alcohol you consumed the previous night. The added funk of fuzzy teeth and unwashed face is enough to send a person to the porcelain god and regret their actions. Then again; that may only be if you think about it too much. Either way the unclean feeling probably contributes to, what we call, the hangover.

Creating Characters Based on Pictures

Sometimes I have great ideas. Sometimes I just feel like being creative, but cannot find an outlet. Sometimes, I have no idea how to motivate myself to do/be what I would like to. Sometimes I wonder why I can't sleep, if I'm not going to be able to be productive if I stay awake. So I'm going to try and put this insomnia to use right now. It is after 2am, and I'm going to put together a character. I've decided to form/mold/create a character for an RP I'm going to be a part of. However, I don't even know where to start. Developing their personality takes time and precision, and you have to know where you're going before you start off with these sorts of things, or your character will change part of the way through and everyone will be like: who is this?! Generally, for these sorts of characters, I first find an image to stem my inspiration from. Most RP's I've been a part of have called for an appearance, and a photo/drawing/image of some sort is the easiest way to go about this. I have, on a number of occasions found an image via Google Search and photo-shopped it to look just right. Why? Because while I'm looking at images, I'm ruling out some and considering others, so before an image is even found, the character is being developed. Then you need to find a personality that exudes those traits you've now founded in your head and then combine the two and create something fantastic... or not so fantastic; however you're inclined. After all of this though, a name needs to be chosen. I like to give my names meaning, or choose names with meaning rather, but then the names of all of my characters turn out sounding foreign or old or just plain strange. But then again, I don't really care for everyday names... not that they're bad, I just don't want my characters named them... Unless of course, everyday is what we're going for. After we have a name we actually develop their personality through either a personality section or a biography section, or both. Yes, these are both usually rather short, I don't think I've every written more than a paragraph for each. But because they're so short, each word that goes into it, must have meaning and, for me at least, the ideas presented have so much more background implied in them than is needed to be said. The worst thing about this process is: You put all of this time and energy into creating your perfect character for the given plot and then you have to wait until you can use it. Worst case scenario; the RP's never started and your character lingers in a feed to get passed over until it's forgotten and never used. To avoid this; I save all of my characters for future use. This has come in handy a time or two. I'm sure the characters appreciate it. 

Choosing a Dream

Recently, in one of my more vegetative states, I found myself perusing Netflix in an attempt to entertain myself. What I stumbled upon that day; still has me thinking, nay; it has me pining for dance once again. The Australian TV show Dance Academy is the only thing that caught my attention that day; so I proceeded to watch 12 episodes in a row. It made me remember all those feelings I had towards dance and ballet, and had me questioning why I stopped. I can't for the life of me come up with a good enough reason why I would have. Only reasons that are blaming others for my own misfortunes. Granted; they were legitimate reasons. But if I had wanted to dance as much as I thought I did; those reasons wouldn't have prevented me from finding a way to do it. So what was the actual cause of the discontinuation of my passion? Probably the same reason that plagues me to this day to make anything of myself or keeps me from obtaining any sort of passion. I simply don't believe in myself. I don't actually think I'm capable of being good enough at something to pursue it fervently. The deep and foreboding feeling that no one will think I'm good enough, or that I simply won't be more than mediocre circumvents the desire to want to accomplish. The hope that is fueled by the passion is squashed my by low self esteem and those who would see me fail. So in the end it is ultimately my own fault. No matter what anyone said to me so that I didn't feel good enough, worthy enough, or special enough; I didn't pursue it. I let their words get to me, and now only I have nothing to show for it. 
So perhaps now, the recognition of this, today, will help me to change? What I can do today is choose to be better than someone else may think I am. And if anyone says that I can't (Even me) The first thing out of my mouth should be "Why not?"