Seeping Through a Broken Filter

I'm quite certain I've already covered this, but eh. 

There is no way to be completely unfiltered and truthful. I am finding this to be increasingly true. A person cannot be totally honest without looking like a dick at some point. I would like to be able to tell and say EVERYTHING that is on my mind at times, but then I think of all the people who have the opportunity to hear or see it. So I cannot say it. What I say has an impact on others perceptions of both themselves and me, as well as the world around them. Unbeknownst to them it may be, but it still is. There are parts of me that I would love to tell the world about, but there may be a few persons that would take it the wrong (or right) way, and their knowing would either be taken completely out of context or the weight of it would crush me. And that sounds very selfish. Because it is. Either option is a selfish one. Either it will benefit me, or it will crush me. and the same for not doing it. But since they are my thoughts it is completely up to me to either share them or keep them to myself. I do not NEED to share my every experience even if I would want to. If it would help me to get them off my chest, perhaps I should. But then we come back to that shame factor. 

This was scattered and I got distracted halfway through with a sad song, and thinking about all those things that I do not share.

Sealing Fates

It had been two weeks. Two full weeks. The gnawing in her stomach would not cease. Pacing the floor, Achindra wrung her hands together as she waited. She’d already waited two weeks. She’d waited as she started to feel sick. She’d waited, willing this away. She did not want it to be true. She knew something like this would be his undoing. She could not tell him if it was true, and not just a fluke. Still she paced. Looking up at the clock frequently, she bit into her lip. She did not like this waiting. She thought about how she was usually a patient person. She tried to distract herself by thinking of something else. But she couldn’t focus on anything else. She listened to the clicking of her heels as she passed between the rug and the tile, and back again. She rubbed her forehead, and hoped a headache would not start due to all of this worry. She would not be on her best game if she had one. Two weeks, she’d been thinking about what to say. She had been thinking about if she would tell him. She had been thinking about what would happen if she did tell him. She even thought about what she would do if she didn’t tell him. She looked at the clock again. 30 seconds. Thirty seconds wouldn’t make a difference, but still. So she walked slowly back to the bathroom. She walked back to where the test lie. She walked back to see the two pink lines that sealed her fate. Now all she had to do was keep it to herself of seal someone seal Xereaux’s fate to fall as well.

Got carried away thinking.

The Glendora store is only a 15 minute drive from that house in West Covina. It is an half an hour bike ride ish. I could transfer, and then find a second job there and work on my company. I could also run in that neighborhood, and feel safe, I could work on my tan in the winter like an crazy outta stater. I could shop at Ralph's which is close to that store, I could get a motorcycle license and take classes at MtSAC. I could find a nice church and get connected. I could record using that closet space, and I could network and meet the right people. I could make my company start. Then I could make friends with a nice boy and we'll be really close, and then we'll get married and I will support him in all of his endeavors and he, me in mine. I could be lots of things. But I can see it happening, so It probably won't ever happen. Just a thought.

The Dog is out for the Cather of dogs

I added more to this an long time ago... and I just added more on a whim today. So I will share both parts:

5.11

I stood there in shock as my eyes strained against the dark to adjust. Just then; a loud crack resounded throughout the hall. I looked all around me for what could have made the disturbance. I saw nothing. Swooshing sounds came hurtling towards me, and I was knocked flat onto my back. In the next instant; the sheer terror that filled me erupted into a deafening scream that never escaped my lips. Everything went black.

Part 6.1

When I opened my eyes, everything was still black. I tried to open them again. I still could not see. Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I tried to remember where I was. I gasped when I remembered the events that had happened, and tears stung at my eyes. Supposing I was still in danger, even in the dark; I still tried to be as quiet as possible. I whispered "Scotty." I heard his paws on metal which sounded down to me. I then realized I was not hearing anything else any more. Where had Boyd gone to? What about his guests? Where they in the room I had just escaped from? How long had I been unconscious? Was I safe? Had they gone?

Then I heard a loud scrape as if a chair were being dragged across the floor. I tried to place where it had come from, but the sound was too short for me to recognize it. I tried to gently get up from the floor, but when I rose. There were bright lights and immense pain in my darkened vision. My head stung in two places. Both; where I had been hit, and where I had landed. I bit my lip to keep from making any noise and held my head in my hands, willing the white lines of pain to leave me.

When Swim is No Longer an Option

Where do you go when you're scared? Where would you go if that place was not there anymore? What would you do if all your options were exhausted? How would you hope if there was nothing left? 

If fear was the dominant driving emotion in your life, how would you handle that? What do you trust in, when everything you've had faith in seems to fail? How do you hold on when all you've held on to seeps from your grasp? Who do you turn to when there is no one there?

What decisions do you make when all the choices are gone? When there are no more opportunities, how do you make a way? How do you keep living?

At least I have the World Wide Web

I keep thinking about trying to work on my novel. But I can't manage to be productive with it. I keep formatting the pages and staring at it. Then I re-read the part I'm 'working' on and I think of scenes that I could add but they aren't concrete enough to make into scenes yet and then I start thinking of why. Which leads me to think of Real Life scenes that will never come to pass. And that depresses me and makes me not want to work on my Novel anymore. Another vicious circle comes to fruition. 

Then my stomach starts to growl and grumble and complain, but there's no food. And I don't have the Caddy yet, Oh how I miss the Caddy, so I can't go anywhere to get food. I don't want to eat all my banana bread in one day. I had to get banana bread because they did not have banana nut muffins at either Kwik trip we stopped at yesterday. They also did not have 1% milk, so I got Skim, which isn't really the same, and then BP does not carry wildberry pull'n'peels anymore. Which is the most depressing thing on the planet.

So I get to sit here, and stare at a page I won't be able to add to, with a growling stomach and think about something/someone I can't have or see.

Everybody Hurts, Few Bleed

Who am I really hurting by this?

I think I am the only one effected by my stupidity on the regular. What am I trying to prove and to whom? Who is it that I am rebelling against? I know that it is a guilt trip that causes people to justify their actions. It is those who need to justify to themselves what they do that are the ones running their mouths off with justifications at a simple comment, whether directed at them or just stated in general. 

So who am I running from? I feel like I am. I feel the need to justify my actions. I think I might be running from the me I think I should be, for the me that I think I could never be. Just to prove me wrong. But I could be that girl. I could also hate her for all eternity. I already don't approve of most of her actions. 

And why, when I analyze this psychologically, is it justified by the pain caused from misdirected emotions. Why do I let this still hurt me? How is it possible that I am not letting myself completely move past this? Maybe because I know that there are things that cannot be undone here, and they will always reside. That; coupled with the lack of other wants I'm holding onto, I am a miserable wreck. 

In other words. I am a girl. I am a female. I am a woman. All baggage and drama included no matter how hard I fend it off.

You So Did Not Just Post That

Today I'm going to attempt to cover some old topics that were never typed up, as well as some new ones if I can remember them...

Does anyone know how it comes about that some people want to be in control so much? For example, I am a nerd and am a part of a role playing website. Some members of said website continually have characters with the same exact personality. They talk like they are better than everyone and seem like they have more power than everyone else, like they are fighting to have control. This sort of behavior makes me ponder why. Why do they feel the need to hold that power? Why do they have to be better than everyone else? These thoughts lead me to consider other persons that I know in real life. Some people like to be the center of attention, they thrive on the belittlement or control of others. These persons, I believe are lacking in other areas on the same level. Meaning: perhaps they are the lowest member on the totem pole in their own home, or perhaps they have been in their victims place before under different circumstances. Regardless of reason though, I do believe that it is psychological, and maybe not even on purpose. Which leads me to believe that they may be struggling with other issues as well. Like issues that they cannot see beyond themselves. For instance; It has been said that the faults we pick on in others, are our greatest insecurities in ourselves. But that's not what I'm saying. OK: the posting notes thing. The: Do this thing because I don't want to have to do it. In some cases, this is not an unfounded thing. But, if you are wrapped up in yourself and your own plights only, you may not see that others are unable to react the way you want them to, and in turn do that thing that you do not want to do. An old example would be the thing with the lights. I would leave the lights on because I was not the only one using the space and I was thinking of someone else. Said lightswitch was hard, if not dangeraous, to find in the dark. If I had been questioned directly, this knowledge would have been found out and we could go on with our lives. But, I was not questioned, a note was posted as a continual reminder and I was attacked with a "Why did you leave the light on" in an anything but friendly tone. In other circumstances; I would be happy to help and have even tried. I make it a point to stay out of the way so that things are easier for others. But then it is stated that, and with angry words too, One person is unable to continue to do something as a martyr. You're not a fecking martyr, put your damn crap away and I will be more than happy to make the surfaces spotless. 

I am going to walk away from this post now and fix my filter.

Another Crazy Dream

Wouldn’t it be funny if we all knew each other in Real Life? I think so. I also think that my dreams are weird. I see them like a film in my head; scene transitions, steady camera shots through photos to live action, panning, etc. This is the movie I watched in my head last night. It is kind of hard to describe; but I will do my best.

It started on the Year book. The Family B______ had their own section in said year book instead of a picture like the others. First entry you zoom into a sepia family portrait, when it becomes full frame, it changes into a silent family film. First of the 70’s style parents, free spirits, then it goes to color film of the children. The frame pauses on each to give us a name, like opening credits; First Beaut, then Shiney, then everyone else as well.

These Children were all the parent’s foster children. Orphans and playing a part. I was the new addition to the family. We all lived as a family did; but the story starts on the bus to school.

Each of us are masquerading as sophomores in a small town. The first bus ride to school, all of us rode the bus to school together. The girls more towards the center front and the boys center back. After many seat changes, we settled in and Shiney and I sat next to each other, with Beaut across the aisle in front, and Moony across from her, All the boys were behind and I’m not sure where everyone else ended up.

School itself was odd. Since everyone else had already been. I was led around and showed the ropes. I had classes with everyone. Beaut, Moony and I had Gym together directly before Lunch when we all ate together. At the end of the day there was a ceremony in the Gymatorium. 'Mom and Dad' were there, being honored for taking in yet another new orphan.

Then all us ‘kids’ had to walk home. When we all got to the corner gas station, we were cut off by this sports car convertible speeding in. This Red-Neck of a black woman, and her Red-Neck of a white man, began to spray themselves off with the power hose. In all the chaos of them yelling at each other, not angry yelling, just yelling; we discovered they’d gotten a notice from the school district that said everyone should be clean for an upcoming event. She also made it known it’d been a while saying "It’s been two months for me" and she was surprised he’d not had one in the mean time. I figure it was because dirt would show more on his pasty white skin, verses her dark complexion. She hosed him off in the car, he fell over the seats, but she also got water all over the convenience stores floor, it was an open air market set up. And then my brother woke me up.

Hollow Mood

It seems that lately I am hopelessly depressed. I can be in a good mood; but that mood is hollow. One thing taken the wrong(or right) way can completely shatter it, and I'm slung back into a hopeless vortex of nothingness. It's not fun. I'm not too excited about it. I also don't know why it is; nor how to change it. I can do the whole: pretend to be happy and you'll be happy thing. But that is the easily shattered rouse that I've been attempting lately. It is not happening. I know that happiness is a choice. and I want to be happy. Maybe it's clinical. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe there really is no hope.

Another Empire's Fall

In the late 21st century; The United States Empire began to waver. It had reached a height in immorality comparable to no other. Not even Rome in its day held a candle to it. The country had become so self centered they did not notice that they had outsourced themselves out of work. The poor of the country welcomed all the foreign products unknowingly. They were happy for the ‘lower prices’ that until they themselves lost their jobs to those other countries, they savored the junk. Eventually the only jobs open to Americans who were not born to opportunity; were retail, food services and entertainment. But even entertainment was leaning more towards the new blue blood. There was of course still White Collar Americans who were caught up in their own plights of what the next thing the Jones’ would acquire. The rich got richer, the poor got poorer, and the media corrupted all. Soon enough; poverty was so rampant in some areas that violence and theft reigned supreme; it was like a riot every night. Without the income of the lower classes though, the upper classes were starting to feel it. They had no way to fight it. China would not give back what they had received, and America had no means to recreate what they had given away so willingly. Slowly but surely; the economy fell. There was a state of panic in the people. All the people. The Government made rash decisions and one president blamed the previous president for each downfall that occurred during his term, and then made their own terrible decisions. Each of them preached hope and a uniting of their nation to equality. Before long the people realized that the only equality left for them was to all be equally unfed and poor. So each class rose up individually against the government. There was modern warfare on the streets.

When it was clear to the rest of the world that America was no longer the so called strongest nation; China stepped in with Russia on their heels and calmly reclaimed that throne. In all the confusion the transition was seamless. But was not long lived. Soon, with treaty after treaty, and the help of the media; China lost control of their power. Russia had main control, but each country now had a more equal control in this new world of theirs. Some countries started uniting with others in attempt to tip the balance in their favor. That is where our story begins.