You don't have to say you love me just because I have.

There a lot of things that I want to say allot of the time. But I never seem to say them. I think I don't say them because I'm afraid of what the other person(s) will do in retaliation, or how they will react. If it's not what's expected of me, will I be shunned from them? Then there's the idea of: if they react badly, maybe they're in denial of the truth. Or if I find out I'm wrong, I'll have to apologize. I don't think this is coherent. Maybe it's that there's a part of me that doesn't want to summon disappointment in me, or for others. I don't want to loose what I have, or for circumstances to change for the worse. I think it's funny that some people like about me, one of the things that I fear to do, because I do it. I suppose that I do do it sometimes, and that is where the reputation comes from. But I am only able to do it when I think I know what the outcome will be, and I perceive it to be positive. And of course, I can say whatever I want here, and not worry too much about what I've said, and how it was taken. Until I feel the retribution of someone's feelings getting hurt or what not. 

I can give advice, and tell those who ask for it, what is what. I can direct people on the path they should be on when I feel that they won't blame me if it goes wrong, or if I'm sure I'm right. I can help other people with their problems. the problems that for myself I'm afraid to ask about or fix. Because I have those same problems that others have. But I don't take my advice and act on them as I say they should. But then, do I really know what it is that I should be doing. Or am I merely attributing the scenarios as being the same? It must be true that we as people, see in others our greatest faults. Maybe that's why I can be so helpful. I see in others what I would fix of myself. 

I really should try to go back to bed. But I couldn't sleep then, that's why I'm up. 

Why are true feelings so hard to communicate? Why can't we tell people that their life decisions might be detrimental to their future? I know if people where more honest, I might not have been in some of the predicaments that I've gotten into. But then again, I'm odd, and usually ask for advice where it's not given. I don't want everyone in my life to please me. Yes, I'd like to be pleased some of the time, but what happened to hard knocks? Why can't anyone tell it like it is? 

I can't tell it like it is, because I'm not sure of what it is. But I can tell what I perceive. And I can be wrong.

Birthday Wishes Listed For the Clueless

I've decided what I want for my birthday. Besides of course, my always wanting: to spend time with friends. But seeing as I rarely get that, I've come up with a list of stuff type things:

- Cork. I love bulletin boards. Cork by itself lends itself to creativity. But I love bulletin boards. And despite my love for them, I don't have one here.

- Push Pins. To go with the bulletin board, or cork.

- Music. This is always on the list of stuff type things. I always want more. 

That's all for the specific things, but I do have a general idea of what I like: 

- Sewing stuff. If I'm going to start a clothing line, I can always use more.

- Art stuff. An artist can always use this. 

- Gift Cards. If you don't know what to get me. And don't want to spend quality time with me. I'd appreciate some sort of acknowledgment. Mostly I kid.

- Other things I like include: Pirates, Elephants, Learning new stuff, German, Italian, Water crackers, Salsa dancing, Stripes, polka dots, Cowboys, Music, Shelves, and girl stuff I usually don't buy myself.

- Spending time with my friends. (this is year round that I want this, but especially on my birthday)

Despite how it may sound. I am not selfish. I'm just putting this out there. After all; this is my train of thought.

Just another Sad Country Song.

I don't want this. I need you.  Need you to own what you want. Own what you choose.

I'm just sitting here, minding my own business. Then I lend a friendly ear. and you break my heart again. The decision is yours. The decision was always yours. Yours to break me in the first place. It's your prerogative to choose what you think is best. But don't make a decision based on what you think will be best for me, without my input. Maybe what I want isn't what you think will be best for me. 

But then again. Maybe I need to move on. and let you live in regret. 

This is why I stopped listening to Country songs. They're too sad, and speak to me too closely. Have me making up scenarios again. Everything but the part about my heart breaking again, that is.

Quoting Myself for a Pep Talk

It wasn't as bad as I thought. I wasn't expecting it, but what did happen wasn't all that surprising either. In other words; I knew it was a possibility. I'd dreamt about it recently, and some of the facts of my dream to reality have been the same. Not entirely, or in the same caliber, but similar. But I don't know what to expect now that it's happened. I suppose I should take from what's happened in the past, and use that as guidelines as what to expect. That knowledge won't make it any easier though. And I don't know how long it'll last. Other times have been so variant in lengths, I wouldn't know where to call the medium. I guess I can just take it for what I get now, and be ok when it's done again. After all, wasn't I the one who said: "And to you until the end, I will always be a friend." Yep. That was me. And the end isn't close yet. The end is when I end. I don't plan on that any time soon.

I only utter profanities at your expense.

Damn It all to Hell! What was that?!

I really had no idea you still had that effect on me. You and your stupid name. You send me into a spasm of tears. Stupid you. Stupid Love. Stupid Name.

Just give me a minute to breathe. We aren't friends, so it doesn't matter. We don't communicate. But now I know where to find you. I know your mother's address. I know your employer. I know your MySpace address. I even know your phone number, it's burned in my brain. But now that I know where to find you always. I don't think I can handle that. It's bad enough that I live this close and have restrained myself from trying to keep the promise of friendship to you that I made. Why?!

I can do this. Just don't think about it anymore. I'll be good. 

I think I didn't really react as bad as I typed out. But it was fun over-venting!

Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady

After some deliberation I've come to this conclusion: I am not always going to be talkative. Some of you are now taken aback I'm sure. "No! Not possible." you say. But it is true. I think that if you are truly comfortable enough with someone, they're a person that you can just BE with. Yes, fun times should also ensue. You should be able to talk and get along, and have oodles to say. But if you can also be comfortable not filling all of the silences together, that's good too. 

Plus, I'm a little shy, and I don't always know what to say. Whether it be because I'm feeling intimidated, or I merely just don't know what to say. 

Another thing is: I, like most girls, want someone who'll fight for me. Will try to pursue me. So, maybe he's still out there, and just hasn't found me yet. I'm not too worried that it will happen. It's not my timing to decide. 

SO; I'm settling for finding good friends for now. 

On the other hand: If I'm given enough sugar, or carbohydrates, or caffeine, I will be talkative... but that's just being hyper.

Nothing Profoundly Spoken

I had something really profound I wanted to say, but I decided that I should not get out of bed again. So I didn't. Now I'm not 100% about what it was.

I don't like stuff. knick knacks make me angry. Not having them. It's the stuff that means nothing that just sits there and takes up space and collects dust. The stuff in the junk drawer that is useless. The stuff that you don't even know you have it until you see it again. The "oh look at this, it's so cool..." stuff that is nothing. That's the stuff I don't like.

When I have children. If one of them turns out crazy... They will not be in charge.
I don't think I'm completely attached to the city anymore. I could really live anywhere. I'm not set on living in any location. Nothing has me tied. I could live in the country, I could live off the grid, I could live in a high-rise. I'm very adaptable. I also don't think I'm tied to having any specific work. I do think I should work for a living, make an earning. I think I could even do well as a stay at home. That doesn't mean that I don't want to do RunningMan Industries. On the contrary; I do. But the origins of it may be different. And the running of it may take a different coarse than I'd originally imagined. 

I'm kinda bummed that I've not been able to find work yet. Ok, I'm really bummed. I feel very inadiquate and useless because of it. That's not cool. I've both willing and able to perform any profession I've applied to. I also want to learn more. 

I've also not been able to pay my bills since I've had no income. That makes me very nervous, and upset. I really want to pay those that I'm indebted to. But as of right now. That's an impossibility. Which in turn makes it more difficult to find work because it effects my credit score, which employers look at to hire. I seriously need to find some sort of employment. 

This really has nothing to do with the profound point I was going to make, but eh. 

Adding whole branches to a tree

The wedding was good. It was fun. And a little strange. We've gotten this whole new family, not just one more member... a whole slew. Good, fun people too. Not pretentious in the slightest. Which makes me think: Why don't I know my own family this well? Is it due to pretense? Is it some sort of deterrent based on a family affiliation? I know I'd like to know them more, even if I don't fit that well. But relationships, are not one way. Both parties need to at least be interested in it. I would like to at least make an attempt though, so that the offer is out there. So I now have to decide: do I go up north to see my mom's new family, whom I already know I get along with, and are fun. Or do I head back to Indy to see my dad's family whom I've 'known' my whole life, but still don't really know... decisions decisions. I also don't have that long to choose. Both take place on Pie's birthday. Poor him. And technically, I could choose either at this point; I still am not working. I have all the time in the world. 

Lately I've been spending that time a little more frivolously. Well, just this week. Up until last weekend, I was dealing with family things; funeral, burial, visitors, wedding, etc. But this week, I got me a bit of a sunburn. Only a bit though, it doesn't hurt. only when I scratch my leg where it's red in the tungsten light. It's a little uneven, and I don't really know how that happened. I laid out evenly. but one of my legs has two lines and the other has the appropriate 4. I'm glad I laid out when I did though. I think I'm getting whatever Joseph had yesterday. Whohoo! Spring Cold! Speaking of spring fever; I've been in the mood to bake lately. What is that? I made chocolate zucchini cupcakes (thank you Robin) the other day, and frosted them with cream cheese frosting. They're a little dry. But good none-the-less. I was thinking of trying my hand at a layer cake, and homemade butter frosting (via Erica's direction) But I don't know if I will. We should probably finish off the cupcakes before I start another confectionery treat.

I think I'm just rambling now, I start sneezing about a minute into this, now my head feels like it's starting to congest. I'm going back to bed. Yeah, that sound good. a little warm/hot, but gooder than this wooden chair.

I don't have a lable for you people anymore

It's been a long and trying week. A week ago yesterday gramma was up, talking and walking around. Her funeral was today. It's that concept right there that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. And I'll get over it eventually. I also will get over my displaced anger at my 'friends' as well. I want to thank you in advance for your patience with me, even though we may not have communicated on any level in recent weeks. Instead of dealing with my loss on hand, I've been attempting to get past some other grief that I'd put on hold for too long. The letting go is leaving me feeling numb. I'm no good with the stress I've been 'dealing' with lately, I have no buffer, no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to confide in. No one to just sit with and be. That's a loss that I don't know how to handle. (I forgot the train of thought I was going to go with on this one, so bear with me.) I may have overreacted and said something in my disparity that came off the handle. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone or push them away. Just the opposite is true. I want someone to be closer to me. Someone who'll really know me, and deal with me accordingly. I'm also trying to be 100% honest and the lack of support in the matter by way of response (or me knowing about it) is insurmountably astounding. It leaves me feeling like I'm here all alone. No one cares enough to show they care. I understand that everyone has their own wants and needs, and I try to be sensitive to that on their behalf. But I'm thinking This sucks. I've gone through life without and it still hurts so much. I'm not used to it. I won't ever be used to it enough, so that it won't hurt anymore. I can only become more cynical and numb, and then no one will want to be near me. and the viscous circle will continue on. Spiral on down, and crush me more.

See, one of the problems is; I didn't want to let go of what I had. I was deluding myself with hope that it would work out. and today's lack of response tells me that I was absolutely correct in my disparity. No one wants me. I miss, but am not missed. I want, but am not wanted. I am a friend, but am not befriended. I don't believe this true of EVERYONE. but four kind words at this junction in my life isn't enough to get me through.

I no longer think I'm being coherent. Nor do I know if each sentence goes on with the next. I am not slighting anyone, but those people who care and don't show it. I'm upset that people are selfish and wrap themselves up in their own problems. I hate that people lie to me with their good intentions, and no one follows through. It angers me that people don't keep their words. It's not cool that I have to feel alone so much. Even in a group of people, do I feel alone. Even in the presence of those who claim to be his hands and feet do I feel forgotten, unloved, unwanted, and displaced or judged.

Doom on You!

Ok, I'm done venting for now. 

I love my friends. I really do.

Skipping over the first stage of grief

Correct me if I'm wrong but; I think I've been in denial this whole time. I may have acted out what I thought I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to react. All the while making believe that it'll all work out, so I've not been dealing with it for real. I now realized that you don't want me, and that hurts.  I thought it was odd that I was able to put on the persona of a rock so easily. I was given the false hope that it would someday work out and the problem would go away. But it won't. The problem is left only with me. It took my grandmother dying for me to realize that. The false hope was just your letting me down easy, you don't want me.

I want someone who'll fight for me. Someone who'll pursue me. Someone who'll care for me in the ups and downs. For better or for worse. And I them as well.

Why Can’t I Have Hope as My Mantra?

I really don’t want to seem selfish here. But I am really feeling unappreciated. Maybe unappreciated isn’t the right word, but I’m not feeling especially loved. There’s just something about impending death that brings out the best and worst in people all at the same time. I think it makes people vulnerable, just enough to be themselves. It takes a physical and emotional toll on people. It wears them down to that person that they would be without filters, and then lets them apologize because they know that they’re not filtering. And yes, Everybody filters. Not everyone knows that they filter, nor does everyone filter the same. But no one is 100% honest 100% of the time.

What I’m saying is; I don’t know what I’m saying.

I’m feeling emotionally and physically drained. I have found in the last few days that I truly believe that knowledge is power. I also believe that the spoken word has power. For example; If people are always telling you that you’re ugly, you may soon believe that you’re ugly, and then you may fail to continue to take care or take precautions so as to detour yourself from being ugly. Likewise, if people all around you are talking like you are going to die any day now, or any month/week soon, your subconscious will convince your body that it may very well be true. I do not like the defeatist attitude. I do not appreciate the lack of faith in that demeanor, and that the household as a whole has taken on. What is all this just accepting your fate crap? What happened to fighting to live? Choosing life, making your own way? I believe that grandma is giving up because she’s seen that others have started to wilt in resolve, and have decided that she’s started to give up. I think she has been feeling discouraged at the slow recovery and wants to now give in and give up. But if the people around her would come together with a like mind, and truly believe in her; I think she could make it. I think she could pull through. Romans 4:17 says this: (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. (KJV)

On another note… I don’t cope the same way as ‘everyone’ else. With anything. Ever. I’m tired of people becoming angry/upset/off put/miffed with me for not grieving the way they want me to, or whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. My philosophy is to deal with things as they come, analyze whatever’s happened, to death, vent it out in a rant and then get over it, but all the while maintaining hope that something may change. That may just be an overzealous what if factor playing out its role, but it could also just be the mantra: ‘Never give up, never surrender!’