Is there a light to this hope I want to feel?

Dang it! Why do I miss you? Why do people still want me to be with you? Why do others assume that we would be the best together? Why do I dream about you? Why do I want to talk to only you about these things? Why do I want to confide in you? Why do I think that you don't even want to be my friend anymore? Why can't I get past this? Poop! 

I learn about me everyday

Yesterday I made a few... discoveries about myself... or something. Things that I may have already known, but choose not to think about; and things that I brainstormed.

One of these ascertainment's is that I don't really do well with people all the time. Not that I'm completely anti-social. I do have friends, I am not outgoing though. And I am not a people person. That face is a facade. I'm good at acting like a people person if I put my mind to it. But I don't think I really am. I would be happy pushing paperwork full time, and then being creative an running my company in the rest of my time.

There is a part of me that still wants to have a group of friends, but after almost 24 years, the likelihood of that happening and sticking and them being real/true friends is slim. I'll take what I get, and appreciate them for what they are. Good friends.

A second thing goes along with that first thing. Kinda. I don't think I'm going to look for 'love' I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. All I know is that I want to be like best friends with the person I end up with. (and I'd like them to be a bit taller than me.) Not that I was looking for 'love' but my eyes were open to it more than ever. I'm going back to living life.

Another thing came up in church. I have spent a lot of my time helping myself understand what it is that I'm not. Those things that come up, the insecurities that come from how people treat me on the day to day. It says I am those things, and I know I'm not. But I have failed to know what it is that I am. I am not inadequate. I'm not good at everything. I'm not just another pretty face. I'm not ugly, or mediocre, or useless. I could really go on. But what am I... I am me. But what does that mean.

That means I have a lot to figure out before I move on. I'm not even 100% on what I want to do anymore. That may be from discouragement due to a few things though...

I am not confident.

Not in everything. Not in all the things I should be.

I also realized that I like to learn/be taught by step by step instruction. Like that time at the airport when I was like 11. I didn't know what to do so I freaked out. But it turned out fine. And that time at the airport in Germany when I was 21. I didn't understand so I freaked. There are so many things that I've not taken advantage of in life because I don't understand or know about them. I know that I want to be led in life. Work my way up to leader. But not the top. Except in the case of my company. Who knows, maybe I'll put someone else in charge down the road.

For now though, I may change my name. I have this idea for a sketch/note book. I think I can also make it myself. I may need get it printed somewhere else. But I can make it myself. 

I think I strayed from the topic a bit here. But then again; what's new.

Plump and Pasty Me

This is so stupid! The pool here doesn't open until 2pm! What the Heck! Whoever heard of a pool opening at 2 on a Saturday?!

Anywho... I'm feeling a little discouraged, woozy, miffed... take your pick. I have been working out since I've been back in SoCal. Just about everyday. I don't eat junk. I haven't been drinking. I don't eat candy. I don't drink soda. I eat 'healthy' food, and drink juice and water. I don't eat out either. But nothing happens. Until this morning that is. Yesterday we ran out of food. I had a salad for breakfast, worked out, and wasn't able to eat again until today, because of all of the running around, and then there's no food here to eat. I wake up at 5 am because I have to feed the dogs at six, I drink some juice while I wait for the water to boil... and bam; it doesn't want to stay down. I then ate some oat meal, and My hand was shaking. So I worked out too much and didn't eat enough. 

That's not what I was going to say...

Last summer I ate healthy food and ran. Nothing happened. My body only ever changed when I was 'homeless' living on my aunts floor, and only eating fruit and muffins, and the occasional sandwich. Then in January; I worked out everyday and nothing happened. I was eating healthy then too, but I also didn't gain any back. Until I went to Wisconsin for two weeks and basically did nothing but challenge boyfriend to see who could eat more. I can be so stubborn/stupid sometimes. But then I was back to what I was before I was homeless... which wasn't a big difference. Since I've been back, I work out about 4-5 times a week usually 5. and sometimes 6. I eat healthy when there's food available, or I can't eat. Nothing is happening. I look exactly the same. I don't know what else to do. I can't starve myself and work out. I'll die. I don't think that would work either. Woe is me.

That's all on that subject.

Oh wait; My back now hurts pretty much everyday. It might be my bed, but it might just be my back.

On another point; I wanted to get a tan this year, or at least some sunshine. But I never can. The stupid pool is closed until 2 pm. The beach is way far away, and we don't exactly have a yard to lay out in. Poopy! I guess life wants me to be plump and pasty.

Aye, tis' birthday time 'gain

There are less than 2 months until my birthday, and I haven't even thought about it yet. True, the other day I thought about how I hadn't thought about it, but that's as far as thinking got. So I've decided that I'm going to start thinking about it now. What am I going to do for my birthday? I am going with my Jenny to the Pirate Faire the following weekend. And I have opened the invitation up to my other friends. I am willing to make all the plans in order to make this a birthday 'extravaganza.' We could camp... or I could look into cabins, I could also look into hotel/motel rooms. We could go up Friday night and Come back the last night, which is Sunday night.

But that's just one idea. I will still want to plan something for my birthday day. It's on a Friday this year. So there is no reason to not do something. I'm open to suggestions. Someone get back with me. As always, I mostly just want to have a good time with my friends.

ReDesigning DesignerVan Again

While re-designing my DesignerVan website, I discovered that in order to finish/really start, I have to re-design my stationary first. Which is something I have to do anyway. But I don't know what I want to do with it. Maybe since I already have a new resume, and portfolio. I could match everything else to them. That sounds like a good idea. I will also need to output all of my work a different way to do this idea. I'm very excited. I have things to work on while I'm sitting around doing nothing. Instead of doing nothing though.Now if only I can figure out the html for this stupid thing. I think I can manage it. Otherwise I can just do slices like the last one. I'm not sure yet though. I'll have to get everything else finished and up on the board before I worry about outputting and whatnot.

The Opposition of Holidays

I love holidays. I hate holidays.

I love that people get together with their families. I love that there is a searching for a higher meaning to living that comes with each. I love that there are opportunities to investigate into those meanings. I love that people wish each other well. I love the sense of camaraderie that comes from a centralized celebratory state of mind.

I hate that people don't know the deeper meanings behind what they are celebrating. I hate that people want to be satisfied, and look towards all the wrong things to satisfy them. I hate that people are left empty. I hate that camaraderie ends. I hate the media hype behind holidays. I hate that we are expected on these specific days to uphold some form of character that may or may not be a natural characteristic of ourselves, and on that holiday, all good form is attributed to it. I hate the excess of waste that comes from decorating, and advertising, and disposable knick-knacks.

Now, if you know me. I am not bad mouthing holidays. I do appreciate the good that comes from them. I also understand the media point of view and what-not. I am not saying we should do away with them, or traditions that come with them. I just don't want to be expected to do something because it's a holiday. If it's expected. It doesn't truly come from the heart. No wait; it has the potential to not come from the heart.

I think before we do something that is attributed to the holidays, we should reflect and see if we would do those things otherwise. Like spending quality time with our families. Or smiling at the people we pass on the street. Do we do these things regularly? Do we try to make every day special for the people we care about? Do we care enough to be a better person on Wednesday? Not just Easter?

Interacting with Life

I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. Now; I know this is not a new development. I usually can be caught thinking about any number of random topics. I know I need a job. And I know I feel that I am inadequate for most positions. I also know I don't have the personality for others. But where does that leave thinking? I'll tell you. Nowhere. I don't know anything else after that. I can speculate until I'm blue in the face about everything else that is/isn't going on in my life. But I don't really know anything.

I'm pretty sure I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. And I don't know why I dream what I dream. Nor do I understand why I dream of who I do. I don't know if there's a deeper meaning that my subconscious is coming up with without me. Or if it's merely a product of over thinking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to want anymore. I don't know what I'm expected to know. I don't know how to get through these trials that I'm faced with. I don't know how to be motivated. I don't know how to relate. I don't know if I even care anymore. 

I think I'm in need of good friends. Not that I don't have good friends. I need good friends who'll talk to me. And I can do things with. I think I'll go crazy if I am left to my own devices, cooped up here. I do nothing. And I lack that vital human interaction that makes us well rounded personalities.

Learning To Be Useless

I still need a job. At this point, I think I don't really care what it is... mostly. I think I could work at data entry, or as a file clerk. I don't think I'd be good at commission still though. Maybe I'd do it anyway. I am fairly certain I don't have the personality for it though.

On another hand. I am flying through this HTML book. I don't think I'm retaining much. But I am understanding it. And I'm not entirely sure about everything I'm taking in either. I am hopeful though. I can figure this out. And then I'll have another unused skill under my belt.

Speaking of unused skills; I've found I have the uncanny ability to radar in on doughnut shops. In the last week I've discovered maybe 20 in and around the Riverside area. I've only been to a few of them... my workout routine does not approve of this. It feels like it's being taken advantage of, and is putting out a whole lot of effort for nothing. I should try and convince myself that I don't like doughnuts again. then maybe this ability will slow to a stop. Maybe I should get a job at a doughnut shop.

Target Practice Invitation

I've come up with something more to write about. HEEhee... Anyway; 

I'm in the mood for a photoshoot. Now; I usually do these things on my own when the whim hits me. But I want to go bigger. Yes, we did go bigger once, but it was a rush job, and very thrown together, and it showed. What I need this time is a concrete idea. Or at least a loose idea that I can work with. I like to work with what I have. But I don't have that much anymore. And I don't necessarily want to be all things in it.

Lately I've had ideas run through my head periodically, but I've had no way to get them out. 

I need someone to work with me on these visions. A partner in 'crime' as it were. I'm not even going to confine myself to a certain style. Lemme know if you'd like to get your creative juices flowing, and would like to help out. Or share ideas.

A Little Change

I think it's great that not everyone sees me as the same person I was. I hope that these changes are for the better. And I hope that it's not a false identity that they either saw or are seeing. I know I'm not the same as I was. I've gotten out of my shell a bit. Granted; it's still a natural reaction for me to be that way. But I choose to be more. I don't think I had anywhere that I was actually going with this. So: That's all folks.

Thinking Over Waiting

I'm all wedding-ed out. I don't care about the shoes. It was just me to choose for, following my mothers guidelines. Now I have choosy people to choose for, and I have to consider what will work for them and whatnot. I'm just done. There is no way to appease everyone. I also don't know a think about flowers. I'm ok if they're just close to the perceived colors that we've chosen. I don't think I could care any less. It's all very frustrating. But I'm also thankful that it's kept my mind busy. With an active mind, I've not had a chance to over think what has happened. yet, I have enough free time to move past it. But now that I'm worn out; I don't know if I want to move on. I'm not sure if I feel it necessary to wait either. I don't know if I should. I know I could. And I think I'd be willing to. But I also don't want to be waiting around for something that is never going to happen. Needless to say; I'm confused.