ReDesigning DesignerVan Again

While re-designing my DesignerVan website, I discovered that in order to finish/really start, I have to re-design my stationary first. Which is something I have to do anyway. But I don't know what I want to do with it. Maybe since I already have a new resume, and portfolio. I could match everything else to them. That sounds like a good idea. I will also need to output all of my work a different way to do this idea. I'm very excited. I have things to work on while I'm sitting around doing nothing. Instead of doing nothing though.Now if only I can figure out the html for this stupid thing. I think I can manage it. Otherwise I can just do slices like the last one. I'm not sure yet though. I'll have to get everything else finished and up on the board before I worry about outputting and whatnot.

The Opposition of Holidays

I love holidays. I hate holidays.

I love that people get together with their families. I love that there is a searching for a higher meaning to living that comes with each. I love that there are opportunities to investigate into those meanings. I love that people wish each other well. I love the sense of camaraderie that comes from a centralized celebratory state of mind.

I hate that people don't know the deeper meanings behind what they are celebrating. I hate that people want to be satisfied, and look towards all the wrong things to satisfy them. I hate that people are left empty. I hate that camaraderie ends. I hate the media hype behind holidays. I hate that we are expected on these specific days to uphold some form of character that may or may not be a natural characteristic of ourselves, and on that holiday, all good form is attributed to it. I hate the excess of waste that comes from decorating, and advertising, and disposable knick-knacks.

Now, if you know me. I am not bad mouthing holidays. I do appreciate the good that comes from them. I also understand the media point of view and what-not. I am not saying we should do away with them, or traditions that come with them. I just don't want to be expected to do something because it's a holiday. If it's expected. It doesn't truly come from the heart. No wait; it has the potential to not come from the heart.

I think before we do something that is attributed to the holidays, we should reflect and see if we would do those things otherwise. Like spending quality time with our families. Or smiling at the people we pass on the street. Do we do these things regularly? Do we try to make every day special for the people we care about? Do we care enough to be a better person on Wednesday? Not just Easter?

Interacting with Life

I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. Now; I know this is not a new development. I usually can be caught thinking about any number of random topics. I know I need a job. And I know I feel that I am inadequate for most positions. I also know I don't have the personality for others. But where does that leave thinking? I'll tell you. Nowhere. I don't know anything else after that. I can speculate until I'm blue in the face about everything else that is/isn't going on in my life. But I don't really know anything.

I'm pretty sure I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. And I don't know why I dream what I dream. Nor do I understand why I dream of who I do. I don't know if there's a deeper meaning that my subconscious is coming up with without me. Or if it's merely a product of over thinking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to want anymore. I don't know what I'm expected to know. I don't know how to get through these trials that I'm faced with. I don't know how to be motivated. I don't know how to relate. I don't know if I even care anymore. 

I think I'm in need of good friends. Not that I don't have good friends. I need good friends who'll talk to me. And I can do things with. I think I'll go crazy if I am left to my own devices, cooped up here. I do nothing. And I lack that vital human interaction that makes us well rounded personalities.

Learning To Be Useless

I still need a job. At this point, I think I don't really care what it is... mostly. I think I could work at data entry, or as a file clerk. I don't think I'd be good at commission still though. Maybe I'd do it anyway. I am fairly certain I don't have the personality for it though.

On another hand. I am flying through this HTML book. I don't think I'm retaining much. But I am understanding it. And I'm not entirely sure about everything I'm taking in either. I am hopeful though. I can figure this out. And then I'll have another unused skill under my belt.

Speaking of unused skills; I've found I have the uncanny ability to radar in on doughnut shops. In the last week I've discovered maybe 20 in and around the Riverside area. I've only been to a few of them... my workout routine does not approve of this. It feels like it's being taken advantage of, and is putting out a whole lot of effort for nothing. I should try and convince myself that I don't like doughnuts again. then maybe this ability will slow to a stop. Maybe I should get a job at a doughnut shop.

Target Practice Invitation

I've come up with something more to write about. HEEhee... Anyway; 

I'm in the mood for a photoshoot. Now; I usually do these things on my own when the whim hits me. But I want to go bigger. Yes, we did go bigger once, but it was a rush job, and very thrown together, and it showed. What I need this time is a concrete idea. Or at least a loose idea that I can work with. I like to work with what I have. But I don't have that much anymore. And I don't necessarily want to be all things in it.

Lately I've had ideas run through my head periodically, but I've had no way to get them out. 

I need someone to work with me on these visions. A partner in 'crime' as it were. I'm not even going to confine myself to a certain style. Lemme know if you'd like to get your creative juices flowing, and would like to help out. Or share ideas.

A Little Change

I think it's great that not everyone sees me as the same person I was. I hope that these changes are for the better. And I hope that it's not a false identity that they either saw or are seeing. I know I'm not the same as I was. I've gotten out of my shell a bit. Granted; it's still a natural reaction for me to be that way. But I choose to be more. I don't think I had anywhere that I was actually going with this. So: That's all folks.

Thinking Over Waiting

I'm all wedding-ed out. I don't care about the shoes. It was just me to choose for, following my mothers guidelines. Now I have choosy people to choose for, and I have to consider what will work for them and whatnot. I'm just done. There is no way to appease everyone. I also don't know a think about flowers. I'm ok if they're just close to the perceived colors that we've chosen. I don't think I could care any less. It's all very frustrating. But I'm also thankful that it's kept my mind busy. With an active mind, I've not had a chance to over think what has happened. yet, I have enough free time to move past it. But now that I'm worn out; I don't know if I want to move on. I'm not sure if I feel it necessary to wait either. I don't know if I should. I know I could. And I think I'd be willing to. But I also don't want to be waiting around for something that is never going to happen. Needless to say; I'm confused.

I am stronger than Me.

Right now: I’m going to clarify. I am not angry. Yes, on some levels I am hurt. Not by anyone else but me. I am upset that I opened myself up. No, that’s not entirely true. I would feel more hurt if I thought that to be absolutely true. I am grateful that for a time; I was accepted for me. I am surprised at how ‘easy’ it was for me to drop my guard. Even though it did not seem like an easy task. I wanted to let someone in. Because I do not want to always feel alone. That is something I need to work through on my own. I do feel like a whole person on my own. And it’s odd to me that I think I can move on already. However; I don’t want think I want to. I don’t think I want to be that vulnerable again. Even though I think, no, I know I will need to be again someday. For now; I am going to focus on me, the relationships that come into my life, my business, and my God. I am sorry for my friends in Wisconsin. It seems that I no longer have a concrete reason to come back. I don’t have a concrete reason to do anything, or be anywhere. I do have abstract reasons to continue living. I thought I would just exist for awhile from that point. But even I know just existing doesn’t work; I don’t want to waste away. I will survive, and more. If life changes again, I want my friends there with me as much as they were before. I appreciate the positives attitudes that were volunteered in regards to the situation. I love you, and thank you.

The Bricks The Shadows Keep

Opened myslef up.
Ripped out the pieces.
It's not that I'm broken hearted.
I have merely retreated.
Retreated to my keep.
The walls are high.
The deadly moat is deep.
I know it's not a healthy place.
Nor a place I want to be.
I'll put up my mask.
Forage the unknown kingdoms.
Then sit.
Alone.
Again.
For times unknown.
I will wear a cloak of daggers.
To prick the pain away.
Come in my dear.
Eat me whole.

Cross the River

I don't want to hurt
I don't want you to hurt
I want to hurt you
for hurting me
Having naught hurts more
than the pain of not knowing
The depth of which I have you
Numbness is overwhelming
Shallow breathing burns
crush me like a can of soda
I crumple to the sides
In and out of myself
The emptiness is filled
by a shorter distance
the chasm of half a nation
It's not close enough to conquer
Only for the long run
Not worth the effort
of rescuing
from the hurt

we can't help but cause.

Ending the Beginning.

This is what I get for thinking. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...and now I'm done.