The Ideology of a Revolving Door.

So I'm not wanting to just come here today and be all emo. But that may be what comes of this. I often say I have no friends. When I say this; I'm not talking about all of the people I'm friendly with. Or the people who occasionally agree to be seen in public with me... I mean; there is no one that I can just call and do things with. No one who knows me well enough to be called my close friend. In my Webster, there are three definitions of friend; 1. a person whom one knows well and is fond of. 2. an ally, supporter, or sympathizer. 3. A member of the society of friends; Quaker. Close has 2 titles and the first has 11 definitions; 8. intimate; familiar [close friend]. Taking this as my definition... there is no one I feel I connect with on an intimate level. No one is familiar with the real me. There are a few people who are closer than others, but overall; They're still distant. It's not like I want them to be distant. I don't want to be left alone 100% of the time. A close friend could feel comfortable to invade my space at times... A close friend could feel confident to call me out on things that I'd need to be called out on. A close friend might even get my sense of humor, ideologies, theories, tastes, and ideas... regardless if we agreed on them. But no. No one has the time of day to spend on me. I am to remain always forgotten. I am the one that everyone smiles at but doesn't get to know. I am the company you enjoy as an alternative to standing by yourself, until a better option comes along. I am she who sits at home every night until I feel it safe to suggest myself as an addition to the party. I am the one that you may call a friend, but you do nothing to cultivate the friendship for. I don't require that much work... Just talk to me. do something with me every once in a while. and don't act like you're pretending. I don't really know what I want. Poo! (A friend would retort to my saying; Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door... "Chuck Norris could slam a revolving door") That's it; I am destined to be my own best friend. Van and Johanna; BFF's!

More scenes on a vacant timeline.

I had an idea for this one... kinda... and a little after the fact. Sooo... actually, I guess it's not just for this one. I'm also not sure it would work either. I thought; 'Hey, what if I show the progression of the psyche of my main character by journal entries?' It could work... I could start out in a quasi-sane literary style and as time progresses; I could make it either more convoluted, or screwy. Like I could go from first person entries to third person... or something. Normal everyday lingo, to a Medieval styled poetic angst. An everyday conversational tone to a methodical rhyme and meter... who knows. It's at least something to think about. Any who.

To escape the conversation of the locals, she walked out of the building and headed for the car. The night proved to be a typical one of the region, arm and muggy. So she stealthily slipped off her cardigan without removing the bag now slung across her body. Caring not that if anyone were about at this late hour, they would see her spots and button at the absence of cloth that was the back of her halter dress. Wiping the bugs away with her newly removed cardigan from the side of the car, she quickly got in to wait for her party to realize she'd left, and then join her. While she waited she pondered the existence of the tiny almost transparent teeny white bugs that now decorated the outside of her window. They had tiny feelers that were continuously twitching as they hung on to the side of the car in the light. One bug had gotten inside the vehicle and was menacingly twittering against the window in a feeble attempt to reach the outside. As she methodically squashed it with the heel of her hand and wiped it's remains on the carpet, her party finally reached the car and opened the door. Still in full conversation with the locals, they were backing in. Not wanting to seem in too much of a hurry so as to be thought of as rude, but to still give off a hint to her passenger. She stuck the key into the ignition loudly, and kept her hand there. Waiting for her first opportunity to turn it... Her party; still slowly moving in the direction of an exit from their current company, finally sat and had a hand on the door. she turned the key and they finally said their goodbyes as the door shut. Not giving in to her impatience she made time to wave goodbye as their recent company retreated back indoors, before kicking the car into reverse and high tailing it out of there. This was one place she loathed to come back to. she desperately did not enjoy the company of these former and long winded hippies who barely gave her a smidgen of respect and failed to hint at common decency towards her. Sh did not look forward to her necessary return the following week for the collection of the project she'd needed to mission them for. But this was the only place to find what she needed without having to go the extreme measures. As she turned the corner, she thought; 'These measures seem pretty extreme.'

And here's some more of my lovely idea towards a beginning... perhaps I'll incorporate flash backs... if I do use the journal entries, perhaps I won't use only journal entries. Maybe I'll have a general narrative, and incorporate the journal entries for the purpose of letting us see into our 'heroines' mind... or not. Here's a one liner type flashback either way.

She had thought of the idea as menacing. Secretly the idea was growing on her. She dared not make this known though. For in the past; everything she could see coming to pass, with he minds eye, didn't ever come to fruition.

Just a little something... Was Superman a Vampire?... 'More powerful than a locomotive... Faster than a speeding bullet... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.... It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Edward Cullen?'

His stares continued to plague me for sometime, unwavering... Until I realized the screen had frozen.

Brought forth from the ashes of the Pyre...

I've been reading allot of 'amateur' posts lately. Including; stories, poetry... Non-fiction stuffs. And it's inspiring to say the least. People just going out and doing it. Or sitting down and doing it. And it gets me to thinking... Why can't I just take the initiative and just do, or at least work towards what I aspire to? Nope, no real answer that can't be immediately dashed away as moot points, or have an opposing statement that should cause me to hang my head in shame. Soooo... I've decided I will start again on the progression of my VanPyre Mansion. No it has nothing to do with Vampires, and I have been contemplating even attempting this story... I have to foundations for it as of late, due to the lack of change in my circumstances to gear myself in the direction of the plot and the characters plight. So... (gee I say that allot) I will be trying to hammer out more unrelated scenes again that may, or may not make it into the final story... I can't just start; I still don't have a specific direction that I want this to go... There's not plot or storyline per say. Just the fact of that I know; It is a story of a girl who eventually gives herself over to the inter workings of her mind. It may continue of from there. I'm not sure about conflict. Or resolution yet... So, I'll stop now, with all of these words, and just get to thinking.

Only Fear of Self

My dad sent me an e-card. He sends me a lot of e-cards. But this one, it was an e-card with an attached song. The song attached always makes me cry. I knew the song was attached to the e-card, but when I pressed play; I started crying anyway. Both times I watched it. It's one of those songs that makes you question yourself. It says, I want to be this. I want to Be more than I am, and then you feel convicted because you're not that. You're not more. You're not enough, and you could be so much better.

"... I want to leave a legacy How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things? ... "

I'm not more, I'm not enough. So, this is my call to action (mostly for myself). I will be more. I will choose to love. I will not be only what I am currently. I will make the most of my life. This whole thing goes along with my new five year plan... But; why am I only who I am and not more, not who I want to be? Because, sad to say; I am afraid. I am so afraid of the judgement of others. Mostly the judgment of those who are supposed to not cast judgement. Not supposed to by who they say they are. But I feel inadequate. Therefore, I've cast a judgment on them. Poo! No one is perfect. It's been my argument in defense of these same people to others; They're just people, they too are only human. But I want to expect more from them, and I want to expect more from me, and I want them to expect something from me, and to walk with me and lead me, and to guide me, and to care, all at the same time. When I'm in their presence, I am merely gripped by fear. Fear due to all of my past transgressions and sins, even those forgiven and repented. They will still judge me. They've done it before, How could any of them be different... I could maybe be myself in other circumstances, around other people... which I have been closer too. But it's not the best me, it's just the me that is. The me gripped by different fears. The me afraid to tell them, because they will stereotype me into the same heap as the them from before, and I am only human. As they too are only human. And they cycle continues...

But I will be better. I can get passed this. I will be more.

"... And now that I'm here Should I tell them that You are the one who has made me And saved me and set up a home there inside Should I tell them that I am a perfect example Of all You can do with a life. What should I say to them? What if I'm failing them? What should i tell the tonight?... "

Life as a new lightweight.

I don't know how accurate this is; but they say this is post 150. That seems like a pretty consequential number. But what I have to say may seem a little inconsequential. Only because I wish to remain an inconsequential nobody in most peoples lives. Like I just told my dad. MOST of the time... Most of the time, I don't want to be looked at like a 'girl', I would prefer to be seen as just another person. I think this may be because of the way I was raised. No, seriously. Growing up, I had to go everywhere with my brother. I.E; He would want to go out with his friends, So to ensure that they were good boys; I was sent along. I was also not allowed to go almost anywhere without him. Not such a bad sentence for him, I never went anywhere, because I had no friends. In turn, on occasion, His friends became my friends. I get along better with guys, because I knew how to interact with them better, and I simply have just spent more time with them. So I think I'm more or less programmed to think that way; these guys are my friends, and/or I am just 'Pie's sister' or 'Ent's cousin' and am not a 'sexual' or hormonal threat to anyone.

But alas, it cannot be so. UUUUGH! There's bound to be some guys that let their hormones take over and don't see me as just another person. Poo. Which is fine. Such is life. It's not like I'm completely A-sexual or anything. I've not sworn off the male species as a whole. I'm not a nun. I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even bi. I just don't want to get into that right now. Yes, society, the way that it is right now, has bred this thought process to be thought as insane, not right, or even retarded. But I'm not looking to get jiggy at this point. I want to go out and enjoy my life. I don't need the whole hormone circus to do so. So; if I come across as naive to your moves, or am not picking up on the hints, no matter how blatant. I'm either truly naive to them, or I don't want it. Which both are probably true. Sorry guys. I do want a man, just not yet. And when I have him, he'll REALLY want ME. Call me old fashioned. But I don't see the need for unnecessary heartbreak and complications. As the song says(paraphrased); 'I'm young, and I love to be young, and I'm free, oh I love to be free, live my life the way that I want free to do whatever I please...' (no that I've typed them out I don't think that's exactly right, meh)

And of course all of this is screaming in my mind more clearly now that I'm a lighter weight than I used to be. I'm talking about drinking. I used to be able to keep up with Rocky. Not so much anymore. After 2 now, I really start to feel it. After 4 my mind and stomach are like 'NO, stop!' and then my body acts drunk, but my logic is mostly in tact. In tact enough to say no before it goes too too far. Bad joojoo. (I've never typed that before, huh) If I were completely sober, No guy would try to take advantage of me I'm quite sure. I only say this because no one has in the past. Bad joojoo. Well at least I'm not a featherweight, who knows what would happen then.

I'm not sure I said exactly what I needed to, but I'm pretty sure I made a point.

My how time does fly

Only one more week until my inevitably lame birthday. Okay, that may be a tad harsh. But if I just expect the worse; I'll be pleasantly surprised if it actually doesn't suck terribly. Yes? yes. I'm still thinking about what exactly my plans will be for the day; and surrounding it. I suppose it might go something like this; Shower and do my hair and stuff Wednesday before work, Close, Next day; the 28th! Go to breakfast with dad (Oh geeze! I don't know if he'll do that again?!... it was tradition before I lived so far away from him...) Then during the day; shower and do my hair; then go out to Whitewater with Colby... then next day; open, then shower and do my hair... That's way loose for planning. I'll think about it. Oh yes; I want to thank everyone in advance for remembering me on my birthday, and helping to make it a positive, and good one (wink, wink). I hope my stomach gets better before then, it's still not 100% from last Sunday. Poo!Last year; I 'partied' harder and was fine comparatively. Come to think of it; Last weekends events were exactly a year after birthday weekend last year; that four day period that I went non-stop, and hit my zenith of... Immorality(?). That's Intense... No, not like camping.

The plan is; Curl up and be depressed.

Yay! I get to start to hunker down and prepare for what is undoubtedly going to go down as one of my lamest and/or worst birthday's ever. The only thing I WANT for my birthday mostly every year is; T0 spend time with my friends. But; lo-and-behold; This year; I Have NO friends. None who'll be around for my birthday. I've even gone down the list (small as it may be) of my 'friends': Cho=Too busy with school and whatnot; it's been however many months and still haven't heard from Cho. Holly and the wifey; same story as Cho. There's no one else left in the area from that time in my life. All of my other 'friends' are in SoCal, or moved from there, or Abroad. No one to celebrate with. Poo! Besides that. Why would someone want to do my birthday with me, if they don't want to see me/hang out any other time? Lame. Here's another one for the History books. I'll get over it someday. maybe. Probably not anytime soon. There are only about 15 days till my birthday and it's not planned because I can't plan anything. I'm about 2 and a half months behind on my planning. Poo! I just want My Friends. So I get none.

Excrement!

I think I'm over it, and that I can be normal finally, but then I let it all get to me once again. Insanity! Well, poo... I do apologize for my crazy antics. I don't mean to sound/be crazy. But I do/am. I don't know where to go from here... I don't know if I've ruined it. Again. I can be such a poop! Crap! And I'm not even trying to. If anything; I am making an attempt at the opposite. This is all nonsense.

What I could retrieve of a thought.

I've lost so many thoughts waiting for the computer. What was the reason for this? I'm tired of lots of things... I think it would be wise to not live somewhere where I'm not supposed to live. I gave myself until March, and it is now coming towards the end of April. Why do I let so much leeway for these empty promises? Why can I not bring myself to disrupt the 'lies' with the truth when it is for the good of 'many'? I would make an attempt at self proficiency, but I am not financially self proficient. I could try to find a place on my own, but so many factors come into play then. I would need my own transportation, I'd have to pay insurance, rent, for the car, food expenses, utilities... And that's if my credit didn't suck ASS... Thank you Pie. So any of my options would then be limited even further to; sharing a space with someone else, and living under the radar, as it were. How am I expected to make payments of a certain amount and live, if I only make a certain amount. And Why does the AI want to know my 'Success Story' if they had no hand in helping me after I racked up my bill to them? And it's anywhere but a Success Story. I want a home. I feel that if I could be sufficient, That Willy should go on without me. Yes that would leave me in WI for ONLY my job. And that seems retarded. I could go back to school. I could do something for business. I want the RMI business anyways... I should really write out my business plan for that. How can I write out a business plan? if I can't even think of a plan for my actual life? Oh bother!

What Qualms are there for the Standard?

Hello Blog world. I do believe it's been a short while. time passes slowly, and the weather, it does change. Heavy jackets are now getting ready to be stored away soon. and Rain gear is in heavy demand. Summer apparel will soon be flying off the shelves, and I will be buying close to none of it. Less than I was capable of purchasing last year. Granted; I know that I am in fact, still capable of purchasing the items, but I am boycotting them, which hinders me 'morally' from doing so. I've yet to be able to find sunglasses that are made in the USA. And the more I search for American made products the more I realize I'm not going to be able to be a 'cheap scape' anymore. On another note; same song. I was so very excited to find a hair product line which is made entirely in the USA. The company recently pulled all of their foreign manufacturing and is now only Houston based. Very exciting; since I'd already resigned myself to not being able to find any small appliances that were not, in fact, made in, say, China. I've also been able to find random articles of clothing in some stores that are actually fashionable which are made in the USA. But I'm still looking for sun glasses. And I will be in need of 'tennis' shoes shortly as well. There is much more to talk about; like the fact that I'm a member of management of a store that doesn't sell anything that is manufactured in the USA, and my qualms with that fact, or how I'm not sure about transportation now; or weather or not I can purchase something when it's only partly 'made' in the USA like; the fabric is made here, but assembled elsewhere or the fabric is imported but assembled here. If I were to make my own clothes I would have to purchase American made fabrics, NO? And then there's the whole electronics and appliances, and are there bikes made in the USA? How far am I willing to take this whole USA thing? What price (Literally) am I willing to pay for a principle? What price would you be willing to pay for your principles?

A tisket a tasket, to Hell in a handbasket

Being economically conscious comes in different ways to different people. For some people it means saving money; giving up some of their luxuries. For others it can be purchasing local/organic foods. Still for others it's simply not shopping in certain places; IE: Wal-mart. For me, I already don't shop in Wal-mart, I don't eat fast food, If I buy food; I purchase local and/or organic. I also don't have luxuries to give up. So any change at all would have to be a major/dramatic lifestyle change or something. I have decided that I am going to help our economy by purchasing American made products. I made this decision for several reasons. One reason is that ever since I found out that big business was moving their factories to other countries for 'more affordable' labor; I've been saying "America's going to Hell in a Hand basket." Because; if you take the jobs to another country, you take the jobs away from the Americans who had them, and if they don't have those jobs, they don't have that income, if they don't have that income, they can't purchase the products, if they can't purchase the products, the economy dies. Yes, I know it's a little more complex than that. But essentially; that is what happens over time. Like what's happening now. Another reason is to curb my own spending. This is kind of having a reverse effect on me though, all the products now available for me to purchase since making this decision, are more expensive. But I don't buy as many products. One more reason is that my Running Man Industries is going to be a completely domestic self sufficient company, from the raw (renewable) materials, all the way through production, design, marketing and distribution. RMI will also be an Eco friendly company. An Eco squared company, as it were, being friendly to both the Eco-system and the economy. All this to say; it's hard to find clothes and other products made exclusively in the US. And yes, that means we're on our way to Hell, in a hand basket.