Rediscovering a First Love

You know how you can fall completely in love with a song all over again? Well, the first favorite song I had; that was by my first favorite artist: Head Over Feet by Alanis Morissette, was mine. I loved that song sooo much when I was in, what(?), the second grade? Well, I've just recently discovered a new (to me) acoustic version of this beloved song. And I've fallen back in love with it all over again. There are a few other songs, that I've rediscovered after long discontinuances with them; But This one. This one takes the cake. It might be one of my favorites again. Go Acoustics!

I was foolish to belive

I want to apologize for being difficult. I'm sorry CrapBag that I was difficult with Do You Want to Know a Secret. I repent of the difficulties that I created in not acting exactly the way I should. I do not know the reasons for that instance. Perhaps it was the initial fear. But As for this new instance and looking back on that one; I feel there was nothing actually running through my head to spur on my actions (or lack of actions rather). I realize that it came across as utter stupidity. But I suppose it is a matter of instance, and the abnormality of which the circumstance presented for me. There is no fear as great, as that of not knowing why you're afraid I guess. I don't know why I do what I do. I'm uncertain of the reasoning behind my actions; where I was once so confident, and then I stand still and refuse when the actual situation is presented at me. I guess I just need to talk myself into things sometimes, and that doesn't always coincide with the timings of other peoples wants needs and agendas. So for no being what I think I should be; and for being unable to justify my not being what I think I should be for you at certain intervals: I do apologize.

P-retty M-uch S-tupid

These days don't come very often. It's less frequent than a month and a half most times, and when it does happen; it last very few days. It is not supposed to be taken seriously. It is not supposed to be retorted. and I am not supposed to have to deal with the Captain acting the same way. I'm sorry. But then; I have a REAL excuse... What's yours? Seriously! Just because he's a stupid teenager; doesn't mean he needs to act like it. He tries so hard to act like a normal Teen. And ALL that that implies.

Romanticism and the Underexperienced.

So I'm ecstatically happy. Stupid Hormones. Sometimes I like it better when they're imbalanced as per usual. It's more predictable. But then I have to go and do something that gets them all into whack again. And Wham they're back. Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited that there's nothing wrong. This really makes no sense without details. But I'm not giving details. Just colors, emotions, and theories. I'm pretty sure that this time, the inanely stupid thing I did was read a "romantic" story. And I'm not usually one to be girly girly. It's a lot of work for me. and ever so slowly it's becoming pretty naturally. I jest partly. Well, at least it was reading an insanely juvenile chick-flick of a book that did it. Verses what usually does it. Or at least has done it previously, more recently. I think it would be better if I didn't go to that extreme again for a long time. Until it's due time. I do understand though, that my body understands the female logic better than my comprehension does. And of course I appreciate that. Otherwise I'd be a caveman. Let me know when I make sense again. It'll be after I stop giggling for no apparent reason.

This viscous cycle keeps on turning...

Want to know how much life hates me? Well?... My stupid school for one, with it's awkward set-up and non-helpful help, had mad opportunities for me become almost non-existent. I've not been made aware of most opportunities for myself, which they're supposed to help with. So now that I've found them on my own... It's too late! Bastard! And then there's the whole; No money, to get money, viscous cycle. Very similar the the cycle of not having experience, no gaining experience one. I need a good job, but I've no experience. So I look for an internship, but I graduated more than 3 months ago. I can't get into a master's program because I don't have enough money, but I can't make the money to get in. I can't even get a non-industry job, because I have no experience. But they wouldn't give me the chance for experience when I was younger, and now they think I'm too old to be in that position. This Sucks! So I'm stuck here. In my office, working for my dad, and not getting any money. Maybe I'll move to MN, and in with Pie. Just for a few months to look for a job there. Or with G-ma, there, or something like that. Why the frick! uuugh!

Falderal And Fiddlede Dee Fiddlede Faddlede Foodle...

So I've closed both my facebook, and myspace accounts. Yep. It's over. Four years was a good run. I had a little fun. Mostly though, it just wasted my time. Yes, I did get back in touch with some people, that I wouldn't have otherwise. But some of the others are just as fake, phony, and plastic as they are in real life. And I don't want to have to feel bad for turning away people I know. But I don't like them. We are not friends. Why should we be "friends?" seriously? That and it just wasted my time. I'm a great procrastinator. I don't need help doing it. I can feel just as disconnected and get just as little done without the help of "networking" sites on the Internet. Thank you. If someone wants to actually talk to me, which they don't; They can find me through e-mail. Or through friends the old-fashioned way. "hey, do you remember Van?" "Yeah, I remember her, what ever happened to her?" "I dunno... We should find out." "yeah, do you have her number?" "I dunno..." "I have her e-mail".... Etc. etc. etc... I'm not saying this would ever actually come about. But there is the potential for me to be found. Even if no one's looking. I may go back to one or both of them in the future. And only "friend" people I know, and talk with, and like. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I could make it so private that the only way people could find me is if they really know me. And I could then deny them. I just feel so like I'm slighting people when I do that. If they actually took the time to request me. Them maybe they actually want to be friends. But then again; maybe not. This by far, is the lamest, stupidest, most inane post, that I think I've ever written.

Disclaiming Your Images

I suppose I should write in a disclaimer somewhere. Most (not all) of the images used in this blog are found exclusively through Google image searches. I merely search a word, phrase, or idea related to the blog it appears in, and choose one from whatever appears. I do not claim those pieces as my own. If there is a dispute to be settled due to it; Please confer with Google. Thanks! (But some of them are mine.)

100 meter Mash-up!

EinHundert! 100! Yep! I didn't think that learning German would be this difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't anticipate the Italian getting in the way. See; with Italian, all I had was very little Spanish getting in the way. (and of course the English. Duh!) And the Spanish wasn't as ingrained into my thought process as the Italian. So; until I've completed a course or two or five of German, and feel comfortable with it. Not just with me and my computer; but really comfortable with it. Say more comfortable than I did when I went to Germany. Then I might switch back to Italian. I think I just need a goal to work towards. Like 'till I feel comfortable with it, then go there. To say fluent in; just scares me. In the long run though; I want to learn: Italian, German, and Russian. When I've completed these; I'll start thinking about others.

Read the Face Book at My Space or Yours?

How is it with all this technology geared towards connectivity; that I can feel so utterly disconnected? I'm not even kidding! With all of these avenues prepared by society for us to be able to communicate on a dime, and enlist each other in networking, I am even less connected than I've ever felt before. And there isn't much of a bridge to gap there. Or whatnot. Maybe it's not just that; but the fact that I need to rely on it/them for all of my networking. I'm not good at it in person. Nor do I have the opportunity to practice my skills at inter connectivity in the flesh. I stare at this screen all day. I would like to go out and associate with the real world; but there is no one to do these things with. If I weren't a social wall-flower; I could make those friends required to go out with; but I'm not comfortable enough to go out and find them without them. In other words; I have not, so I gain not. When I do get an opportunity to venture away from my Personal Confinement; I muddle it up. I am incapable of stepping out of my face. I put up my defenses; in all uncomfortable surroundings I carry an air of stand-off-ish-ness. Which; if I did want some guy to hit on me, would send out the "I'm a bitch" appeal; but I don't. I suppose I'm the perfect definition of an "Indie Wallflower" Bummer! And I don't try out for it. It's just happened. I've been molded by my circumstances in my own home, lifestyle, surroundings, and society. Whoopee! And I have attempted to break out of this scenario time after time; But people tend to shy away from me. I am either taken to shy; or too strong. I'm mean, but it's funny. If we were really friends, you'd understand that sarcasm is a way of life. I do care, just too much; I'm not obsessive. I think I've gotten off topic. If I even had one to begin with. Cheers!

I know you don't KNOW me, but...

I'm sick again. I know; I know; You're all sad for me. But spending a week with Toddley, who has Bronchial Pneumonia, Has extraordinary possibilities of getting one sick. Whoo hoo! I'm not sure weather I should be glad I'm sick today or sad. See; I'm supposed to go to this "Party" at Larry's friend Kitty's house. I'm not sure I want to go. It's in LM. and if you don't know already; LM hated me. And I didn't like it much either. I only say it hated me because that is the way it acted towards me. It may have, in all actuality, just not know how to take me. But I don't' want them to see me all stuffed up and congested. I don't think I want to see anyone I "knew" in LM. But if I don't go; what will I do? Sit on my aunt's couch while Larry goes. Kitty's counting on Larry putting together a crowd for her. That's another thing. If you're going to throw a party; you'd better invite more than two people. So you're guaranteed of the turnout desired; or at least more so. Larry doesn't know many in LM anymore either. So if Kitty's relying on us; She'll get none from me; and out-of-towners from Larry. One more thing; It might not be that weird seeing people that I used to know; if at the time of seeing them; I wasn't "hanging out" with people way younger than me...

Is it better to ignore you than to offend you?

Good Morning Earth! Here's a new sort of update for you. I'm addressing everyone. To talk about myself and such, yes. Anywho. I think it in order to tell of my "vacation" I left on the 18th of November. I think. Yes. When in the state of California; I attended Thanksgiving "dinner" at my grandmothers house like always. But it was just like Sunday dinner. So it didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Of course my not making the Deviled eggs like I was supposed to, probably did not help in any respects. Then on Sunday I met up with a friend from school. I wonder sometimes how we managed without cell phones. (I don't have mine back yet, so was personal cell phone less this trip) Therefore; without cell phones. One is required to be more patient. Also during this trip. I wore t-shirts. Wierd. To go from Snow to warm sunshine is a strange phenomenon. What else did I do on this glorious vacation? I was there so long, longer than planned on at least, that I was able to attend a Masquerade at a friends home. Good times. And then I was also able to meet and have lunch with some other friends during that extra week(end). Fun. But I didn't get to see my besties. I feel so vulgar saying things like that. "Girl" lingo. It just doesn't sit well with me... OH well; and then when I did get back; it was like below zero; with white everywhere. It wasn't sticking when I left. Now it's piled up everywhere. And my door freezes open when I go to drive somewhere. uuugh! OH well. Moving on. Now that I've completely bored you, I will leave you with a thought to think about. --=> in a completely non-racist thinking; If 'Black' people can say racist things about themselves and others; Then why can't 'White' people say racists things about anyone; including themselves? They are now the minority in many many American societies. Stupid Americans. I love my country.