100 meter Mash-up!

EinHundert! 100! Yep! I didn't think that learning German would be this difficult. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't anticipate the Italian getting in the way. See; with Italian, all I had was very little Spanish getting in the way. (and of course the English. Duh!) And the Spanish wasn't as ingrained into my thought process as the Italian. So; until I've completed a course or two or five of German, and feel comfortable with it. Not just with me and my computer; but really comfortable with it. Say more comfortable than I did when I went to Germany. Then I might switch back to Italian. I think I just need a goal to work towards. Like 'till I feel comfortable with it, then go there. To say fluent in; just scares me. In the long run though; I want to learn: Italian, German, and Russian. When I've completed these; I'll start thinking about others.

Read the Face Book at My Space or Yours?

How is it with all this technology geared towards connectivity; that I can feel so utterly disconnected? I'm not even kidding! With all of these avenues prepared by society for us to be able to communicate on a dime, and enlist each other in networking, I am even less connected than I've ever felt before. And there isn't much of a bridge to gap there. Or whatnot. Maybe it's not just that; but the fact that I need to rely on it/them for all of my networking. I'm not good at it in person. Nor do I have the opportunity to practice my skills at inter connectivity in the flesh. I stare at this screen all day. I would like to go out and associate with the real world; but there is no one to do these things with. If I weren't a social wall-flower; I could make those friends required to go out with; but I'm not comfortable enough to go out and find them without them. In other words; I have not, so I gain not. When I do get an opportunity to venture away from my Personal Confinement; I muddle it up. I am incapable of stepping out of my face. I put up my defenses; in all uncomfortable surroundings I carry an air of stand-off-ish-ness. Which; if I did want some guy to hit on me, would send out the "I'm a bitch" appeal; but I don't. I suppose I'm the perfect definition of an "Indie Wallflower" Bummer! And I don't try out for it. It's just happened. I've been molded by my circumstances in my own home, lifestyle, surroundings, and society. Whoopee! And I have attempted to break out of this scenario time after time; But people tend to shy away from me. I am either taken to shy; or too strong. I'm mean, but it's funny. If we were really friends, you'd understand that sarcasm is a way of life. I do care, just too much; I'm not obsessive. I think I've gotten off topic. If I even had one to begin with. Cheers!

I know you don't KNOW me, but...

I'm sick again. I know; I know; You're all sad for me. But spending a week with Toddley, who has Bronchial Pneumonia, Has extraordinary possibilities of getting one sick. Whoo hoo! I'm not sure weather I should be glad I'm sick today or sad. See; I'm supposed to go to this "Party" at Larry's friend Kitty's house. I'm not sure I want to go. It's in LM. and if you don't know already; LM hated me. And I didn't like it much either. I only say it hated me because that is the way it acted towards me. It may have, in all actuality, just not know how to take me. But I don't' want them to see me all stuffed up and congested. I don't think I want to see anyone I "knew" in LM. But if I don't go; what will I do? Sit on my aunt's couch while Larry goes. Kitty's counting on Larry putting together a crowd for her. That's another thing. If you're going to throw a party; you'd better invite more than two people. So you're guaranteed of the turnout desired; or at least more so. Larry doesn't know many in LM anymore either. So if Kitty's relying on us; She'll get none from me; and out-of-towners from Larry. One more thing; It might not be that weird seeing people that I used to know; if at the time of seeing them; I wasn't "hanging out" with people way younger than me...

Is it better to ignore you than to offend you?

Good Morning Earth! Here's a new sort of update for you. I'm addressing everyone. To talk about myself and such, yes. Anywho. I think it in order to tell of my "vacation" I left on the 18th of November. I think. Yes. When in the state of California; I attended Thanksgiving "dinner" at my grandmothers house like always. But it was just like Sunday dinner. So it didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Of course my not making the Deviled eggs like I was supposed to, probably did not help in any respects. Then on Sunday I met up with a friend from school. I wonder sometimes how we managed without cell phones. (I don't have mine back yet, so was personal cell phone less this trip) Therefore; without cell phones. One is required to be more patient. Also during this trip. I wore t-shirts. Wierd. To go from Snow to warm sunshine is a strange phenomenon. What else did I do on this glorious vacation? I was there so long, longer than planned on at least, that I was able to attend a Masquerade at a friends home. Good times. And then I was also able to meet and have lunch with some other friends during that extra week(end). Fun. But I didn't get to see my besties. I feel so vulgar saying things like that. "Girl" lingo. It just doesn't sit well with me... OH well; and then when I did get back; it was like below zero; with white everywhere. It wasn't sticking when I left. Now it's piled up everywhere. And my door freezes open when I go to drive somewhere. uuugh! OH well. Moving on. Now that I've completely bored you, I will leave you with a thought to think about. --=> in a completely non-racist thinking; If 'Black' people can say racist things about themselves and others; Then why can't 'White' people say racists things about anyone; including themselves? They are now the minority in many many American societies. Stupid Americans. I love my country.

A Friend is a Friend is a Foe indeed

For once I know, not what to say My thoughts just seem, to get in the way I hold my tongue, for fear of blurting Or perhaps, it’s a fear of hurting My foot smells bad, in my nose I search my mind, for the proper pose My foot tastes good, in my mouth Why else would I, not take it out My movements feel, the pain I prick If only these, few words would stick I fall on my face, but don’t hit hard I cannot seem, to play this card My ears behold, the wondrous sounds Of unsung heroes, falling down My nemesis, and I have come To see the fault, before the fun Do I stay? To touch this moment Feel this pain, and all it’s torment See the stares, of people watching Waiting for me, to stop punching But if I do, the torment ceases And then returns, after it increases Come back to me, oh friend of mine If you wish, I’ll drink your wine I’ll change my ways, if you’ll come with me Call my name, don’t let me be Follow, toss, turn complete A friend is a friend is a foe indeed. Return the favor, these tastes I savor Sweet then salty, my life seems faulty What did I do? To deserve this from you I hear the phones, inside my mind Could I call you? Another time Would you answer? My desperate pleas For this valiant heart, down on it’s knees And to you, until the end I shall always, be a friend The torment, pain, freedom, love Am I just someone? You can shove Tip turn the dials, on your brain Before you make, me go insane Complete this void, inside my soul Tell me what, will make me whole Perhaps it’s in, a sacred melody Or maybe it’s, a famous symphony The tears in my head, wail and tear My ear’s can’t take it, it isn’t fair I taste deceit, I smell fear I hear nothing, I see clear Follow, toss, turn complete A friend is a friend is a foe indeed.

The face value of Helmet hair.

So I was going through my stuff; since I'm back in SoCal, and I found a poem I wrote for College English like 3.5-4years ago. and it struck me as odd; This poem is exactly the way I feel about a certain situation that I had no idea I'd me in back then. I'll just write it out here in another post. (the next one... so above this one.) I'm not sure what significance this has; but it does have some very poignant lines that could have the possibility to mean so much. If you haven't figured it out yet. Since I've been back; I've had a lot of time to think; to just sit by myself and think; but since there's nothing specific to think about... I think about things like the subconscious meanings of poems; and what it really means to take someone at face value. and why I always end up with a helmet haircut... but the poem needs work; I'm sure you'll see an update of it at some point. It's already changed from it's original version a few times. think about it this way; first half of the line one voice, second half of the line; another. On the bridging thought, one line the first voice, then the indented line the other... lemme know how it goes.

This Heart Can Love You... But For You!

It's really a treacherous thing. I can't help it. And I know I shouldn't want it. I don't think I really do. SOME people say; if you can't stop thinking about someone, then maybe you shouldn't. That's So Juvenile. Romance is Juvenile. I have proven myself a hopeless romantic; as all girls tend towards. But I do not understand it. I've said it before. I'll be one of the first to share my cynicisms with anyone towards romanticism and pretty words. And yet, Here I am, worse than most. Yet; no one really understands why I say I'm worse. A few could venture a guess. But I'll not let on all the truths of my lies. Epic Failure! an Epic Failure to an Epic tale of stupidity and hypocrisy. Buttered with lies and jealousy. I think I sound a little vehement. Just a bit. I'm not really. There's a huge smile on my face. Or maybe that's because of the Gas. Teehee! In the words of the Dresden Dolls; "missed me, missed me, now you've got to kiss me... you must think I'm pretty... you must want me... you must love me... you would never leave me, It's as simple as can be..." so What I'm saying is; If it's true: all of your unspoken words: then it's time that I should have you give me a reason to continue on like this. It's a lot of work. Trying to keep you off my mind.

I pulled a line from you for a title.

Well, I'm not "sick" anymore. but I am. Just up and about because The Captain is now sick. Despite all of his protests to it, and denial that he should have any part in it. He is now sick. But if we go to my Aunt's house tonight, and he seems sick still; She's keeping him. Simple as that. I've also made a discovery. It's something I already knew; but nevertheless, with all of this "weather" it's been more like put to an experiment. I, me myself, am cranky when I wake up without daylight. This is perfectly logical. makes complete sense. The other night, I slept on the East side of the building, and left the shades open to test this. I woke up early; and was chipper, and not cranky. Still sick; but not cranky. The following day; I wanted to see if this would work again. But, alas, the sun was not shining that morning. I wasn't exactly cranky, but I was definitely not chipper. Last night I slept on the West side of the building; and I couldn't open the shades all the way. I was cranky. Now I'm sitting at my computer staring out my window into the dreary day. It's the same color it was when I woke up about 2hours ago. gross. I also know that I'm cranky when I wake up; and I don't have control over the sensory details that are going on around me. Like when I wake up and my mom's put on her radio. Not that it's bad music. Generally; it's not that bad. But I've no control over it. Or when someones left the door open. Why did they open it? if it was closed when I went to bed... or the light is on... or something stinks... or the neighbors are being loud... or I'm somewhere that I'm uncomfortable... There's a slew of them. But; I don't always show that I'm being cranky. Because; after all, Happiness is a decision. (Joy is not; it is strived for and possibly attained, but happiness is a decision). So is being angry all the time. Why waste your time being glum; even if you feel glum. You choose to act that way.

Senile, ZeNile, De Nile, The Nile.

Alas, I am sick again. I said I was going to be. Didn't I? Well, It's been since; Monday I started, but Tuesday really. I've not been able to work; or do anything but read. Which, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows in about three days (in between sleep and stuff) is not bad. But now I don't have anything to read. So I'm trying to force myself to get up and do stuff. Hence; this blog. I was, sad to say, not able to attend the Design Madison event this past Thursday. Which saddens me. (a-duh; sad to say/ saddens me... Oi!) But today is Saturday; and I've only left this building once; to go to my aunt's house, since Tuesday. and that was Thursday. Whoo hoo. If I keep relaying to myself what happened on certain days, I may be able to get them straight. But then again, maybe not. I am tired of sleeping. I am sick of being unwell. ha. Apparently it's been raining. I wouldn't know. I've been cooped up. Besides; I don't have anyone to talk to about the rain anyway. Oh well. Time goes on. And now that I've wasted a good amount of time to say absolutely nothing. I leave you with this thought: Who did Teddy go to live with? Who raised him? Oh yes; I'd like to stop dreaming about you.

Who will judge our changes?

Life is quirky. I'm not sure what I mean by that. But it really is. It's strange having been away for such a long time, and coming back to a place where you once felt completely unwanted, and it not being exactly the same. Being thrust into a situation without any forewarning whatsoever, and therefore having no expectations to meet or break. It's cause for no disappointment. Simply interesting. I wonder if I've changed for it. If there has come to pass; a significant difference in the person. Either myself, or them. And then; who'll be the judge of it. Is there a fear here that keeps you from venturing out on this limb due to it? Is it there for myself? I won't judge you; I'm sure you and I are guilty of the same sins, and misfortunes. Most likely a change in the same direction that no one wants to cop to. Admitting this change would ensue an unjust failure that is truly non-existent. This makes absolutely no sense if you've not felt the fear of the stated.

-A Copious Sin-

I want to sing out how I feel, I miss you. My mind plays tricks that I need you. Your deceit and lies of trickery, You've dooped me once again. Why I believe you? Why should I need you? You're only the worst thing for me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. After seeing life acted out in stages; I have come to understand. Almost see your meaning. Barely see the man. You've become transparent, A window and a wall, The door to pass my moments through, The end of us and we. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin. The music man pleases. Giant squid to my soul, Retracting in horror, Selling my love lusts to the boy, Stealing the moments, The freedom to be. I was not yours to hold, The worst friend to me. Never to be, Shouldn't have been, I wasn't for you. A copious sin.