from whence does yonder friendship blow?

There are a few things in life that one can be selfish about. Their Family, is one of them. I think that it is only fair that I am selfish in certain respects of the children of my kin. Yes, I do know that I would only be a... Second Cousin? and not really an aunt. But, I want to be close to my "neicifew" If We are truly like sisters, Larry and I, this is only natural. Right? I think that My cousin, Her mom, and her unborn need to move out here, and live with My mother and I (and the captain too of course) and we should all buy a house together. Either that, or they should move out here, and live really really close. I think it would be better for all of us. My mom wants to buy a house, from what I understand, my aunt is not happy where she's at. Maybe, but I don't think so. I believe she would be happier closer to family. I think Larry would do better here. I think I need to be closer to Larry myself, and that the impact that we could have on each other would be good. a good interaction. I also think that I need to be close to said neicifew while they're growing up. It would be best ("") if they moved out here, before the child is born, but hey, I-personally- do not work miracles. I do know someone who does. I think they should both get out of the influence of the environment. I've been there, I know it. It's not the best. That's really it. on that subject. Another subject; Rocky is talking to me again. and not even meheh talking like before, but like real friend talk like how I would talk to him before, and the conversation was awkwardly reciprocated. but real conversation. happy good friend talk, He listened I spoke. He commented, I vented, He understood, I smiled. Yay! good times, this whole him being a friend back to me is going to take some getting used to. I've had that experience only a mite of a few times before, it's weird for me. I only worry that it won't last. but run off like it splattered before.

And that's why we're not too close.

I think I need to apologize. I should not spew my vehemence towards certain people, so soon after they scorn me. I should have waited a few hours, or days, or maybe weeks. No, not weeks. That would be harboring ill feelings. I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that I am particularly healthy anyway. I don't eat regularly, I don't sleep enough, and I can hardly exercise. My life is full of stress. I've been pretty blah... for the past few weeks. The music keeps me going. I've started glaring through my eyebrows again. That is Scary. The perfect look based solely in vile distaste. not a happy look to say the least. I also think that all of these factors can be attributed to the fact that I am not happy. or they are the factors of why I am not happy. I am a very good lier. I am quite the little actress. I make believe very well. And could fool you if I wanted to. Maybe that's what happened with him, maybe, I was too convincing, I was trying to convince everyone else but him. He obviously fell for it. Blah! Of course, I've made it better between some other 'friends' and I with my "acting" skills before. That may not be entirely healthy either. Me harboring emotions of contempt, whilst making sure that we stay friends. That makes sense. That would explain my antics as a pirate with Rocky. AHA! That still doesn't excuse my behavior. I should try and restrain my pretending just like I restrain my sarcasm with some people I guess. I'll just end up hurting myself, along with others, otherwise. Dang-na- it.

How many ways to say no?

I, Flippin, Hate, The Hedgehog. Seriously! What is he thinking? What did he expect to happen? He flippin knows where I stand, I told him. Point blank. I can't make it anymore clearer. What did he think I would do? Just be okay with it? Who in their right mind doinks "a girl I was seeing before I even met you" while said "love interest" is in the same house. What the frick was he thinking? Oh, just stay here with me, wouldn't you like to wake up like this with me? HELL NO! I DO NOT WANT THAT! It would all be purely for his own enjoyment. I would get nothing from it. "I would love it." "I can trust myself in a house full of other people, with you" What the frick about last week? with that other girl? seriously. NO, I can't say it any planer, No! I guess I just said it too nice. perhaps I have to be mean about it. NO! I can't do that, not for you not for anyone. That is what I should say. flippin' "Is it just me, would you say yes if I was some other guy?" Firstly, What says that I should tell you? Secondly, NO! Who are you? You disgust me all night with your inappropriate jokes. You ignore me, and treat me like I'm some sort of flippin' eye candy. I've got news for you buck-o! I am not your eye candy, I am not your Fuck-buddy, I am not your Girlfriend, and I am not yours at all. YOU, have NO power, or possession over me. I've been kind and courteous for the sake of all of your friends. But no more. You screwed up and shit your self by me, for the last time. I Hate you. This will be your last Valediction. Good Fickin' bye. and Good Riddance.

Forgetting Steel

I'm grasping for the surface in this, Your suspense beckons me Will I find, in the end, that it was of naught? Will I be forged of the steel, That requires my thoughts of you? Can I breathe now? The lack of substance in your glare. The glance that cautions me to follow. Over tried as the victim, Of your lust.

combining metaphors? certainly not.

Don't you think it's funny how, your teeth don't hurt until after the dentist "fixes" them? It doesn't even hurt where the "problem" was, just on the same side. NOT Cool! It's kinda hard to enjoy oneself when the mouth is full of pain. LAME! Another thing that's lame, okay not really lame. just humorous. People without rhythm. people without rhythm who in fact, think they have rhythm. pretty funny to watch. Cho was like that, actually, she admits to it. so it's not quite the same. hahahaha. Something that's not so funny; really drunk people, when you're completely sober. sure you might laugh at their antics right then and there. But it's not that funny. Think about how they'll be the next day, or just in a couple of hours. not funny. Well, sometimes it is. Now, I get to decide what I'm going to do tonight. I think I'll go to the parties, but which do I hit first? and if I go to one, will I be able to make it to the other? or will I get sidetracked and such? So, with one is more imperative that I attend? Once I know that, maybe I can make a decision. I have a few hours, so I don't have to freak out yet. Or maybe I should just cuz. I haven't really done that in a while. There are pros and con's to each. Which has pros that out way the con's? I don't know. One is BYOB, The Other has the Hedgehog. One has Rocky, the other has a Keg. hmmmm... I like combining metaphors...

The definition of this is that.

There is a question... I don't know what it is. I think it is in regards to music. Mystic. What is mystic? Dictionary.com defines mystic in this way; mys·tic [mis-tik] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	involving or characterized by esoteric, otherworldly, or symbolic practices or content, as certain religious ceremonies and art; spiritually significant; ethereal.

2.	of the nature of or pertaining to mysteries known only to the initiated: mystic rites.

3.	of occult character, power, or significance: a mystic formula.

4.	of obscure or mysterious character or significance.

5.	of or pertaining to mystics or mysticism.

–noun

6.	a person who claims to attain, or believes in the possibility of attaining, insight into mysteries transcending ordinary human knowledge, as by direct communication with the divine or immediate intuition in a state of spiritual ecstasy.

7.	a person initiated into religious mysteries.

-> I like how dictionaries define words, using the word that you are looking up. That's always good. Really clears things up. Not that I disagree with the definition. Or that I can think of a better way to define some of these words. Seriously, I tried. just now, I was lost in space, thinking of how else one could define mystic. but then I got side tracked, listening to this song; The End, by The Doors. It's pretty crazy. I just blanked out listening to the words. Yeah, it's a really happy song. ;/ no not really. sarcasm runs deep. that is all I have to say about that. One time I took one of those chain e-mail quizzes, because I was soooo bored in class. One question was; Do you use sarcasm allot? and the cliche is to answer the question with a sarcastic comment, right? I wonder if anyone could just write yes, and be taken seriously in that answer... I mean, if you really are sarcastic (allot) then wouldn't you be sarcastic then too. wouldn't you want to show off that crazy wit and commentary. You'd think so.

Sugar, Oh honey honey...

Where does this red stuff come from? I have this random red stuff between my ring and middle finger on my left hand. Weird... It's kinda sticky... icky.... Stack said it was from my sweets, but how do you hold a cupcake between those fingers? seriously. It wasn't from my soda, even though it was in a red can, I don't think the paint rubbed off. it's not from my pizza, I would have noticed it sooner. Those are the only reddish things I have here. There's red on my shoes. I'm not bleeding. Yeah, I don't know. I think I need to sleep, I slept maybe like hmmmm... well, actually maybe 5 hours, but maybe not. I am so tired. It's the continual lack of sleep that's getting to me, then not sleeping and eating mucho sugar is way too much. I had two pieces of chocolate satin pie, I've had a piece of cheese pizza, and then a CocaCola, and am staring at a cupcake. Yummmmm,... Sugar... (guuuh). ...

The comedy is a dangerous liason...

The Comedy of errors... this comedy is serious. My so called life, is like comedy. It could be misconstrued as drama, definitely not action, Hardly romance, and though; it may be foreign to me, it's not. So Comedy. Ha Ha Ha Haha. Just laugh about it. Why did she say those things? does she not realize that when I told her those things, it was in fact, in confidence. Since the facts were pried from me in the first place. wouldn't that be a direct indication that I didn't really want anyone to know. Even though I wanted to tell. What was she fishing for. Searching for substance in an endless oblivion that contains not of that which she seeks. Oh Bother! And as for pacing myself. I've slowed back to my snails pace. even though the snail only lives in that aspect of my life. I'm fast at EVERYTHING else otherwise. It may now be too slow of a pace. I just don't want to push myself over the edge due to some dispute that has no real discrepancy's. As I've said it is the "death of this child never created" nothing happened. It was over before it began, and I. now punish myself over monotony? I don't think so. I deserve better, I know it. and I tell everyone. actually no. I tell few, but they don't seem to get it. it takes a huge misunderstanding/unveiling to reveal that they HAVE NO IDEA because they have not LISTENED. what a bummer, He had so much going for him. seriously. If I were him, I'd be kicking myself for ruining the best thing, for an okay thing that is familiar. LAME! Just because it's familiar doesn't mean you need to keep it. If I only did what was familiar, I would not have my new paintings, I would still have no friends, and I wouldn't have this new blog. Change is good. Granted; it need be for the right reasons. Overall. I don't think he considered the options, and now he's lost. just lost.

Wee willie winky

you want to know something that's really creepy? Winking... Just think about it... Everything that it insinuates, and proposes. all the creepy (and not so creepy) people who partake in the action. all the words it gives out... and innocences it takes. seriously... uber creepy. and ultra unnatural. I mean, is your one eye supposed to close without the other? I don't think so, I don't think so. Creepy. Unnatural. Winking.

The Iceman a-cometh...

It's getting pretty cold in here, I don't understand why Cathrine said it was an iceberg, I haven't felt it as an Iceberg yet this quarter. It's not quite iceberg-esque yet. It's been pretty warm in here comparatively. Whatever! Rocky didn't come to class today. Probably decided to skip because he didn't have all his work done for that class. Stack didn't come either. Travel, or lameness. I need to talk to Rocky about tonight, I also need to know if may is coming. She said she was last week, but hasn't mentioned it this week. Don't know! OH well. The combination of how tired I am, and the air conditioner blowing on my fingers is not a good combo. I feel like my fingers will either break, or just keep numbly moving until the end of ages crashes in upon us. I guess that's due to the pain running all throughout my whole body. The feeling is mutual in many aspects. and what's up with that giant bruise on the back of my leg. Where did it come from? How did it get there? What is the purpose. did i do that at the symphony? with the wooden chairs? did it happen this morning doing plieas? (sp) did I pop a blood vessel or something whilst amidst an agonizing muscle cramp? When will I get my test results back? what is wrong with me? The pains not the bad, but the gross feeling every morning, come on... I'm a little over it already. Maybe I should just eat more, and go to the gym. Or not. What the Heck?!

Naming friends

I think, just to be fair, I shouldn't name name. But then, if I don't name names, what will I use to identify everyone? I'll have to use "aliases" but then how will I keep them straight? I can't post it in a blog. Then they could read it. I also can't use names that they'd know. but fitting names. Like the Hedgehog, and the Moose. I could try and continue with animals, but that wouldn't be fitting for everyone. and if I use names that I would know them as like Laura, there's a chance she wouldn't remember, but she might, and then I might get her confused with someone who's really named that. I just don't know. I guess I could name each person when I cross their bridge. I'll just have to remember who's who. You wouldn't think this was such a big problem, after all, these are my thoughts. We'll see. And I might just need to change names from instance to instance.

Focus, Focus... Fo..cu..ssss... Ooooh!

So, I'm not that good at focusing. At work, I can work... and finish it all really fast. just do. But at school, and/or on my own time, I can't. Like now. I'm writing this, I should be doing something for tomorrows or Thursdays class, or even Monday's class. But no. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts. thoughts about the Hedgehog, and not so much The Moose anymore. just stuff. I'm glad that the Hedgehog doesn't like me anymore. I'm not glad that he doinked another girl. But, I wasn't going to. and he knew that. I knew that would only last so long. I am kind of surprised it took this long. I don't see what anyone sees in him. But then again, that argument may be entirely based on biased. I really hate him. I really "have a heart" for his friends. Weird. And he doesn't actually look like a Hedgehog, more like an obese Prairie Dog. On another topic... or a previously unstated topic anyways. I now have lots of Library books. I am not "in love" with him. I just want to make sure that he doesn't forget about me and our friendship. Yes, I did say that I was "in love" with him. However, I'd had 2 shots of vodka, with a beer chaser and a couple of other drinks. I think in doing that, I absentmindedly convinced myself that the love/feelings, that I felt were in fact that sexual love. but they're not. I love him like I love my best friends, like Joe, or Dan, or Cho, or or or... my other friends that I consider like kin. That's all I've got to give.

The inevitable costume...

It's taken a long time this year for me to come up with good ideas for a costume. go figure. I who dress thematically daily. can't come up with a good Halloween costume. Last year I was a flapper. the year before, I was a flapper. I've been a pirate, Mary Poppins, Barbie, a flapper (duh), an evil sprite, a ballerina, and some other things, On a daily basis, I dress as 50's, 20's, 70's, 80's, punk, goth, prep, country, school marm, and fashionista... among other things. I wanted to be Jessica Rabbit, my natural rack is almost big enough, and in several of my "garbs" I can get my waist down to really small. But I was freaking out about the dress, so no. I could also have been a punker. but that's tooooooo boring. I would have done that, if I decided to go to the punk show on Saturday. which I still haven't decided if I will or not. That's another thing, I went from having nothing to do, to having three things to do, all on the same night. I can go see TSOL with Erik and Clyde, Go to Janelle, Kristin, and What's her names Halloween Party, or go to Christine and Brian's Halloween party. but that's the only night anything is planned, I don't know what to do. Anywho. I was thinking that I wanted to do my makeup like I do for my photo shoots, or something similar, my mom thought I should be a geisha girl, but I don't want to do that. So I thought hey, 80's punk, though I don't think it's that extreme. So I thought "what clothes do I have" I thought of my thigh high fishnets, my Asian robe, cowboy boots, flapper dress, 30's sequin dress, black wings, all my hats, tutus, etc. So now I think I've got it. I came up with it while doing my makeup... a Punk Rock Ballerina. I still am not sure what all that entails, but it should be good. NO? yes!

This is me

This is your first introduction to me.... Hi, I'm Van. I would say that I'm pleased to meet you, however. I haven't met you. I may be the only one to ever read this. I can't very well meet myself, now can I. I believe we've already met. Long long ago. What would I do if I'd forgotten myself. Next time I see me on the street, what would I do? Hi, I am me. That wouldn't go over very well at all. People would suppose that I am crazy. Talking to myself and all. I just won't have it. On the other hand. Do I even have a say is this? Well, That's it. Van