Van's Train of Thought...

Short Stories are Tall Tales

2012-02-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

I've been writing a page by page story, and today; I was indirectly told that no one was interested in ever reading it. Indirectly have you, and that may not actually be what they meant, but that is how I heard it, and they're probably right, if that is what they meant. And that kinda kills my steam to keep writing in it. However, I started writing it, to pass time at work when there's nothing I can do. I have been getting severe headaches and back pain recently, tied to the stress at work, so that limits what I can do. Which leaves me sitting in the office a whole lot. And, I am very proficient with my tasking that I've made it so I have very little actual work to do in the office. And that little work I do have to do, is self updating to a point, so that limits what I have to do even further. Mostly, I update things in about 5 minutes and then fix my assistants mistakes and then pretend to work for the rest of the day, or until actual work comes along. But; have no fear, there are only 46 days left here at this job. This also means I am having to move and find new work. My mother does not want me to move in with Mr. Peanut, however, Mr. Peanut lives much closer to the design world than she does. It simply would not make sense for me to relocate to Riverdonkey when I hope to work in the design word, which is in LA and OC. And not even all OC, just the more populous areas... meaning; not North Orange County. But North OC is better than Riverdonkey, and if I felt there was a better, more viable option, I would seriously consider it. But; since I don't have a job yet, it makes sense to be closer to wear the jobs are. And that's another thing; I am virtually helpless to find a new job. I have next to ZERO industry experience. And I don't have the programs right now to hone my skills. Plus; no one wants to hire someone who would be happy doing Photoshop touch-ups all day. Even if that is what the job is. I dunno. This whole thing is bunk. I wish I was qualified for other things. Or something. Maybe if I could just sing. I would like that. But I don't know how to do that either. I only know that I like to sing, and the only opportunities I have to sing are at Karaoke bars and things like that. So I take those opportunities. But what else?

Good Service DOES Exist

2012-02-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

So; my laptop died. I lost pretty much all of my documents. But I got a new laptop, there were display models on sale and the OfficeMax team was great. On Sunday, my car died. I had to purchase a new battery and starter and get them installed, but the AAA guy and the PepBoys guys were all great, and friendly. I had an interview, I have no idea how it went, the interviewer seemed more nervous than I did. Afterwords, Mr. Peanut and I went to Chili's and our server was spectacular, knowledgeable and friendly. I am going to say; despite the circumstances and all the chaos going on in my life right now; I have (so far) had a great customer service week. Thank you all you GREAT Customer Service Representatives out there, I appreciate you.

A New Path To Take

2012-01-28T00:09:00.000-08:00

Do you know how it feels to know that you're letting someone down? Even before you've told them, or they find out about what you've done? Even before you do it? That's where I'm at. Not that what that person believes should be done is right, but you still don't want to disappoint them. What they think, feel and believe; matters, but you just cannot appease them this time. And this time, out of everything, may be so big that their opinion of you as a person may change... knowing that the dynamics of your relationship are about it change is hard. Especially when you have NO idea how much they are bound to change. And then there's the waiting to find out how they're going to change. waiting to see how that person will receive and react to the news that may shatter your relationship. How will the dynamics between you change? There's a lingering fear and dread there. The aura of the unknown and mounds of uncertainty. It's kinda stressful just thinking about it. People always tell you, it'll be alright, or if it's a strong bond, everything will work out... But things change. Even if it's the strongest bond, some things just can't stay the same. I'm just afraid of how it'll change. I'm not going to try and stop the change. But I'm not going to encourage it either.
On the other end of the spectrum. I feel confident that I am making a good choice, and I do not feel that any amount of reasoning or persuasion will sway me from my choice. Living with a bowling ball in your brain for several months is bound to break a person down, so I am removing myself from said bowling ball situation and choosing something else. I have found the one I believe to be the love of my life, and I am excited to start builiding our life togehter away from the unruly stress that is my current job. I do not know exactly what the future holds for us. I do know the ground is shaky when you're poised at the end of a needle, but together, we can balance out our platform by working together. I love you Mr. Peanut. SWTOR and all.

Dormant Energy

2012-01-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

Yay Energy! I can't sleep. It's not that I can't sleep because I have energy. No. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about what's going to happen over the next several weeks. I have energy because I have hope that I don't need to be here anymore. I have decided that my miserable self cannot work this job. You don't know it, because for the duration of my terrible job experience here, thus far; I have not been in this blog much, nor talking about said job experience. It basically breaks down to a few key points. 1) My assistant Manager is useless. 2) My boss does nothing about the terrible uselessness (and counter-productiveness) that is my assistant manager, though things should have been done a LONG time ago. 3) I am the face of a company I'm growing to not care about because of reasons 1, 2, and 4. 4) I have too much responsibility and not enough power. Over the next several weeks, I may get into that deeper, because it is weighing heavily on me. It is also the main reason I am losing my sanity. But I have hope that it won't be happening much longer. I have fear of what will happen until that time frame is up, and what happens after it.
I am very glad to be regaining sanity. But will I be losing a different part of sanity? Will I still be me at the end of this? Will this be the biggest mistake of my life? Will he still love me when he has to deal with me ALL the time? Will family still accept me after I make this choice? Is this dumb? Can I do it? Will I find other work? What do I do with all of my stuff? How do I tell MY family? Will the roomie see why I need to do this, and forgive me for not sticking to her side? Will I get stuck? Will a rut seize me and i'll just turn into a bump on a log and never attain any type of goal at all? Am I driving myself mad? Am I making a mistake?
It would be a bigger mistake to stay.

You are what you eat? Oh, boy...

2012-01-24T03:04:00.000-08:00

Actually; I don't have anything specific to talk about. Mr. Peanut is sleeping, and I can't sleep yet. So I'm laptopping it up in bed... whooooooo... I could talk about how I sometimes think I look like a sexy beast and then I don't. But I was not feeling it tonight. Then I saw my reflection... I'm all "Dang Girl, you's a sexy beast." in my head. Out loud, I just giggled and remarked on it when I returned from the bathroom. That's actually it for now... I have a feeling I'm going to be rather "secretive" on this blog for a while. That may change. But I don't want to spill just yet, everything. No funny business, just stuff.

Just Gotta Do.

2012-01-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

Look at all the things I miss when I go away for a long while. Everything looks different. Almost everything is different. Besides the fact, that I hate my job and would like to still live in a van down by the river... pretty much everything has changed. The layout for posting has most certainly changed... I haven't even looked at what I need to do to post this yet. It's a new year! My Bestie is getting married. (To a douche... ok, maybe not a douche, but I'm not happy with him.) My other Bestie has relocated to my neck of the woods and started life at my humble abode. AND; I have a Mr. Peanut! I don't think the world is ready for the cheese that is the love between us. That or I just don't know how to describe what I want to say. But I did not come here today to talk about him, or us. But I do want to say this! Tomorrow is our 3 monthiversary, and it has been wonderful. I think I actually came back here today, just so I could start coming back here. There's got to be a first, it's gotta start somewhere, so sometimes, you just have to power through and eat the first bite, or take that first step. Just Got To Do. 'Cus if you don't just start, then you can keep putting it off, and you'll never start. And I don't want to stay away from the blog anymore. I'm not saying that I'm coming back and it's going to be the same as it was. I'm not saying that it's going to last forever. I am definitely not saying this is a one time re-return, or the format is going to change. I'm saying this is my first step and I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know I would like to put my thoughts out there again.

Old post never posted.

2011-09-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

Boys lie. Why am I a stupid girl who always believes what boys say? Why do I anticipate what I know will probably never happen? It's days like these that I'd gain weight if I gained weight. But I don't gain it. I don't lose it. I don't get the happy ending, I don't get the fairy tale. I don't even get to be the other girl int he fairy tale. This is poopy. And I don't like this......

I wrote this a while ago... Sheesh!

I could be better than me.

2011-09-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about writing for a long while, but have yet (until now) gotten around to it.
There are so many things going on in my head. I'm surprised I haven't exploded from not writing them out. Some of these things are options I have... Including but not limited to: I could go into the service, I honestly think about it all the time. I could go back to school for something I think I might actually do. I could sell all my worldly possessions and live in a van, down by the river. I could try dating again. I could try and find a job in WI. I could throw caution to the wind and run away. I could learn motorcycle mechanics. I could play the lottery, but not really. I could invest in audio equipment, and keep working this job I dislike 75% of the time. I could rearrange my schedule again. I could eat Hardee's Biscuits and Gravy every day and then exercise, and not eat dinner. I could go on a 4 day mini vacation. I could join the military. I could focus on either learning a hobby, instrument, or language. I could go to the money managers seminar. I could tell the 'truth'. I could fall apart. I could have a nervous breakdown. I could pretend to be content with my life as is. I could walk away. I could paint more. I could get my motorcycle license. I could speculate about how I feel, and how others feel about me. I could cry myself to sleep. I could try to be a better friend to those who forget me. I could go to bed.

Why Does Rex Get the Girl?

2011-06-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

I knew better than to fall that hard. And of course I was right. Why don't I ever listen to my cynical self? Because usually she's just being cynical, overbearing and hurt. But this time: she was right. Yes; I couldn't really help it; but if I had listened to myself, I might have been better prepared for this. Why in God's green earth, should I feel like my heart is broken after 3 months of communication, and one date? Probably because of the way it ended... or, or, or; because I'm a stupid girl and let myself start feeling during those first 3 months. In retrospect, my overly cynical self tells me that he didn't like me as much as he said and his leaving for 6months is a great excuse for him to cop out of saying; "I don't like you, you crazy girl." But then my logical self chimes in and says: "Not everyone is clever enough to think like that." So it's just a happy coincidence.
I was coming to terms with not specifically waiting, as requested: but then he went and gave my number to his friend... so he's resigned himself to my not being available by trying to ensure that I won't be? Seriously; if he did like me as much as he claimed; wouldn't my talking with his friend the way his friend wants to talk, pose a conflict of interest in the future? Wouldn't that friend and him have me hanging in the balance between them after that 6 months? Or is my cynical self right, and he doesn't like me like he said he does. Did.
It probably doesn't help that I'm becoming an emotional cynical wreck again. I seriously have not liked anyone like this since Soul-Shoes; and it wasn't that quick with him either... But I think Soul-Shoes still lingers a bit. A reminder of why I don't let myself fall that hard. But then; If I never fall that hard; I'll never fall at all... and then I'll be an old maid who drinks by herself and has no friends or love interests. I don't want to be an old maid. I want someone to take me away from this. I want someone to struggle through life with, have ups and downs, and eventually be the last couple on the dance floor at our great grandchild's wedding... Dang, my martini's gone.
Maybe tomorrow I'll not listen to this heartbreak music, and I'll be ok alone again. Maybe I'll go back to content with monotony... Who am I kidding, I wasn't really content with monotony; I used to have hope. But the glass has been toppled and it's no longer half empty; there's only a puddle remaining, filling up it's side as it totters on the edge of the table.

Too soon too fast too much too deep

2011-06-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

I don't really know why I chose tonight of all nights, but I'm drinking alone. I woke up depressed after a night of bad dreams and uneasy sleep, then mood dramatically changed later in the day; It went through a few transformations due to random circumstances, or maybe not so random. And now I'm in a depressy mood once again. Only now I'm full of Martinis. I'm not crazy drunk. I'm buzzed though, and should probably just call it a night.
How is it possible that I can become so... so... addicted so fast? I don't usually have an addictive personality. But My emotions are tied to how I think this guy is thinking. And that's just it: I don't know what he's thinking, so it's all conjecture and assumption. I have a very over active imagination, and a cynical nature; so it's not usually the best that I come to. I try to find the better light of things, but I can't do it today. It's just not happening. I'm coming to the worst conclusions, and I feel terrible. I think I like him. Maybe too much too soon. He says he likes me too though; so if we're taking him at his word, then it's not too bad. But I am wary of being stabbed in the heart again.
For the past two days I've been listening to the least helpful music too... Classic Love songs of Rock'n'Roll, Ella and Luis Songs for Lovers, Dion and the Bellmonts... It's just terrible. And then he wonders why I'm the way I am. I'm a stupid girl and my emotions get all out of whack on occasion. I have little to no control over it apparently. But I really do like him. I catch myself day dreaming about the future; I never do that. I'm not a usual mushy girl. But seriously; I thought about myself in a wedding dress today. Where the Halibut did that come from?! I never think about weddings, Never this soon, not usually later even either... If this is wrong; I think it may ruin me if we say goodbye. And just thinking that; makes this whole situation worse.
Seriously; I'm considering compromising my life away for him already. So pathetic girl!

She's doing what?

2011-05-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

I have found that it is not enticing enough a thought (much like a secret diary) to post in a blog that no one reads any more. Seriously; I feel that there's zero possibility of people actually reading this. So I don't post.
But I have had lots of ideas, and I've had several things I've wanted to say; and today I have the time and motivation to be productive, so here I am.
Yesterday I started a TurboFire work out program. Actually; first I did a NYC Ballet workout, and then I did a Zumba Flat Abs workout, and I still had a little energy, and the box that my mom had left behind was just sitting there, so I put in the first disc. It was just an informational DVD, prepping you for the workout to come. My mom didn't leave the guide behind, so I put in the second DVD. I about died, and I stayed a little soar. But it's a good soar, and I found out that there is an online community designed to help people help each other through their workouts. I have no friends who would work out with me; so I went to try it. That just motivated me to continue on in the program. I, generally, am turned off by Yoga; it might just be the implied stereotype of it, but eh. It was good too. So; we'll see if this keeps on. If I do keep with the schedule that's been created for me on the website for at least a week; I'll buy myself a new bathing suit. One better designed for learning to surf. Which is another new thing. I talked an old friend into teaching me to surf; it didn't take much persuading, he actually more or less volunteered when I said "I want to learn to surf." But we both agree that I'm going to have to constantly remind him. Which I can do; I do pestering friend very well I do believe. Hopefully that will turn out good, and that'll be one more thing off my "bucket list."
And I suppose that is what it is. I am going to be a quarter of a century old in a few weeks time, and what do I have to show for myself besides some heartache and an enormous Sallie Mae bill? Not much, there is so much I want to accomplish, but circumstance and opportunity has always held me back. So I've decided to put on a take charge personality and just do it. I don't want to find that I'm middle aged and have never done anything I've wanted. I'm still relatively young, I can do this. So this summer; I'm going to learn to surf, ride a motorcycle, seriously work on my German, and look into gardening my own vegetables. I'm excited. I just hope I don't lose momentum like I'm no doubt bound to do.
I'd ask for someone to hold me accountable to this; but no one really reads this, nor is anyone around to get on me about it. I have no close friends. So it's going to take a lot of self motivating. Just gotta do it. Set goals; and prepare rewards for accomplishing them... perhaps I'll make a list, or a spreadsheet for that... monitor my progression. Wish me luck; someone call me and check up on me or something.

Where have all the books gone?

2011-03-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

I saw the most depressing thing today. Every once in a while, less than once a month, my mother and I go to visit a new library. Today; we decided to visit a few in the Riverside (city) system of branches. The first was cute, the second was disappointing, the third was terrible. We walk into this beautiful and fair sized building, the carpets are clean it's mostly quiet, and there's SO much room. There were 69 computers set up for public use in the adult section, there were computers set up in the children's section. On the opposite wall from the entrance was the Friends of the library books for sale thing. There was a television next to a bunch of chairs and couches, and another at the other end for the children. Both tv's were on. The only thing lacking in this library was books. The only books I saw were along the walls, in mostly empty book shelves. And on the about 5 book shelves in the children's section. It was more like an Internet cafe without coffee. There was no selection of books. How can it be called a library? Does NO ONE read anymore?
Generally I frown upon tv's in public to begin with. I don't like them to be in my restaurants, let alone fast food. Maybe a sports bar... otherwise; tv's belong at home. NOT in a LIBRARY. I'm a little upset. I had to leave before I cried. I have lots of opinions about this non-library, and it's connections to the deterioration of America. Don't even get me started on Online shopping; another experience I had the night before.
The fourth library we went to was beautiful. And the last library was ultra fancy and well used.

Scary Dreams Keep Me Awake

2011-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the scariest dream ever. I thought I was too old for nightmares (not really, but I was hoping). Even when I have scary dreams; they don't usually wake me up and leave me paranoid that I feel like I need to sleep with a baseball bat or mag-light. I think it was so horrifying because the most evil came from someone who looked absolutely innocent and normal. Though the neighborhood was shady, and the other persons in the vicinity were shady; who'da thunk the terror would come from an almost middle aged white guy with a letterman's jacket and a receding hair line.

The dream itself started out iffy; I was at a 'friends' party in an upstairs apartment, and I was just there to be there to cultivate the friendship; I wasn't participating. As soon as one person threw up (yes I know that's gross), they shut the party down and had everyone head home. There was a creepy cop on the curb being creepy and looking evil (kinda like the bad guy from Terminator II). So I thought it in my best interest to take my time and linger behind until the masses were gone. By the time I got down to ground level; it was morning. My two guy friends (whom the apartment belonged to) were wondering around downstairs with a couple of girls that had also lingered to 'flirt'. I headed to my car which was parked at the curb, and the one guy spoke with me (I think it was just a bunch of goodbyes/see ya laters). There was a shady character hanging out by the corner of the building to the left of the lot that held the apartment I'd just come from. I decided I didn't like the look of him. And by this time; there was a general feeling of fear in the dream. I fumbled with my keys to attempt to unlock my door. The second guy friend then came and flipped up my jacket that I was wearing just draped over my shoulders. I turned and yelled at him and he ran around in the street like an immature high school boy. When i turned back the shady character was closer. I finally got my door open and when to get in; but I had bags of stuff; like suitcases, and duffel bags, on my front seats spilling over onto my drivers seat; so I moved one to the back and got in enough to shut the door. The shady guy was at my passengers window then, and he tried to break in the window with both of his fore fingers; just poke them in I guess with brunt force. After that didnt' work; I power locked all my doors and he went back to his corner. I tried to start my car then and was still moving things out of my way to drive when a guy with thinning hair; in a letterman's jacket came by and peaked in my windows. By now I'm terrified; but this guy doesn't pose a visual threat. Then he stops and tries the same poking maneuver the first guy tried. I'm flipping out by this point, and I am flinging my things in the back seat. The guy starts clawing and pushing at my window trying to get in; I'm struggling to get my car into gear to get out of there, hoping he doesn't try to hop on my hood or doesn't succeed at getting in before I can get away. My 'friends' were still running around and flirting; the creepy guy is just watching as this is happening; and I'm thinking; "I need to keep a boom boom stick with me."

Then I woke up and am still thinking I should keep a club or a large dowel with me. I sit up in bed and think there's someone in my house as I listen to the creaks and noises that houses make. I just sit there for about half an hour trying to think what this could possibly mean, and wondering if I should get up to get a bat; or if that would let the person intruding in my house know where to find me. I was afraid to go back to sleep; for fear that the dream would continue and/or turn worse.

That's what I remember of it; very very vividly. I think remembering it now: I had that internal fear again. Eek!

That was quick!

2011-01-24T23:46:00.000-08:00

During the short time that this blog has been privatized; I've noticed that I'm not posting the things that the blog was designed for. I do understand that I was getting uber emotional. That was all honestly, and perhaps it should have been filtered. But if I'm not going to utilized the blog for it's intended purpose; there's no use in keeping it. So instead of deleting it; I'm just going to have to remember to not post those things that people don't need to know. I'll have to be more thoughtful before I post. If there's a way to privatize singular posts; that may need to be the way I go. Otherwise; I'm not me. :D

In other news: I have started another blog called Literary Van. Which will be where I'll be posting everything having to do with literature and art etc. from now on. It already has two posts... one of which is a recycled piece from here, but I thought it a fitting opening to a new thing. I also considered starting one for other topics and keeping this one for those private thoughts, but I've not gotten that far; it's not as concrete of an idea as the literary one.

Re-Privatization of Personal Thoughts

2011-01-19T15:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently it's my blogging that drives people away. So I have removed all my blatant honesty from FB and I plan to make this a private blog. I just wish that this had been present to me as a factor before. I have no problem keeping my thoughts to myself, but people had inquired and it took a long time; but my blog because a public thing. If I had known I was being unhealthy by sharing; I might have stopped the blatancy sooner. I am a notorious people pleaser. And yes, this person did have a point. Lately my posts have not been full of content that should be shared. Generally; it was all supposed to be whimsical and such, things like story posts; or great ideas for making the world a better place. Or asking those questions that I can't ask of people because I don't know anyone close enough. Like: What Halloween costume should i wear? That's how this whole thing started back in '07. But now an opportunity has been lost due to miscommunication, assuming, and the inability to express concern. Oh well. Just one more learning curve I guess.

But that being said; since this is going to be a private thing; I may not need to be as vague any more. I can unfilter like people do in Secret Diary's.

I really hate this.

The Heart Pleas on Repeat

2011-01-19T03:29:00.000-08:00

What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm not even worthy of an explanation? Is my ambiguity in some things coming back to bite me? Why? I don't understand this. I know that this will work out for good in the end; But that doesn't mean I understand why it happens when it does, or why it does. The unexplained 180 shift in people leaves me hurt and more cynical. Which is only worse in the long run. Why am I a person who cares so much? What do I do to deserve this from people? Yes, they are only people, and they do what's good for themselves. Do the words I chose turn around to stab me? Am I misunderstood to a point where it's too difficult to discover the truth by asking. In a way; it's good to be hurt so soon. Rather than have the pain cut too deep. But why do I care so much so soon. What did I do?

This is going to be super repetitive. But heart cries often are.

Is it because I wear my heart on my digital sleeve? Is it because I don't keep a secret diary, but rather a web log? Is that too much for people to handle when they read into what I say? Where do I begin to get better when I don't even know how I'm worse? Why have I been blindsided by this? Why can I no longer sleep again? I honestly thought I was doing better. I was mending and forgetting my cynical side more. Why whenever I get to that point where I'm almost standing; am I swiped at, lose my balance and fall of the edge again? Is it because I didn't have tears when I was born? Am I making up for lost months? Did you give me these tears so that I can always cry them?

I'm not going to wallow in a pit of desperation and try to reclaim what's not even mine. I only want to know why it always goes down like this. Who am I? What am I? What am I supposed to be? Where do I go? Where do I fit? I want to contribute to this life. But I'm barely surviving. I want to live. I can't live if I'm continually cut down without explanation. That would make me insane. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I should just give up. But what is there to give up? There's nothing left, short of becoming a street urchin.

This one hurts. I don't understand it. I'm so tired. Maybe if I could sleep. The rest would bring some perspective. Maybe I would know where to find the answers then. Right now, I read random things; and they make no sense to me. They're all the logic of my upbringing, but they're not true to me, except for the fact that I know them to be true. How do I bridge that gap? How do I get from knowledge to KNOWING? How do find out what no one can tell me?

Not Mine to Know

2011-01-19T02:52:00.000-08:00

As the sleepless tears leak from my face I ask myself what they're doing here.
They have no place, they heed no condolences.
I stare at the vibration of words before me, uncomprehending.
My teeth chatter.
My body convulses
My heart hurts
Dear GOD if there is a reason; let me know
Or is it my place to never understand the resurrection of this circumstance.
I shiver and I sigh as the too well known thoughts return.
No!
This is not mine.
I just know it well.

The Moosy Cave

2011-01-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

What happened to my mood? I was happy seeming, and cheerful this morning. I had plans for the day; I was going to be productive. Then it is over and I feel locked inside. That sad and stuffy feeling of un-accomplishment. I am drawing towards the end of my book that I'm reading. I don't like it when a story I'm involved in ends. I only left the house to pick up my brother from school, and to move the car. I stared at job postings for a long time today. I couldn't apply to any of them because I knew I wouldn't be an acceptable applicant. I thought about working on my book for a while. But then that creativity was drained from my by the stupidity of ignorant teenagers. I gazed at my paintings for a time, but was unmoved by them. I matched a man to couch set, and I was doing good still for a time after that... When is it hat I lost steam? When the sun started to set? No. It was well before that. Maybe it was reflecting on how hopeless I feel. Maybe it was that phone call I made; it could be a feeling of unresolve. It might have been the bad idea to talk to the wrong person. But I honestly thought that wouldn't affect me any more. I thought I was over it. I thought I could be the one to reach out and still be a good friend. Maybe it was the realization that I can't always be a good friend to everyone. maybe it's knowing that there are hopeless cases. Maybe it's feeling completely alone; that I'm going to be stuck in this situation until something changes, but knowing that nothing's going to change in my favor. This is all downward thinking. I know that there must be hope. But when you're searching for light at the end of the tunnel, at what point do you realize it's a cave and the only way out is to either break through a wall where there is no opening or turn around and go back. Which begs the question; do you remember the way back? Did you leave bread crumbs? Is that trail of string still there? Can you still see that string? Has your lamp been extinguished? Do you have to wait for all the man made lights to go out before you can see what you're missing?

I feel a little lost in this maze I've created, I keep running into the catacombs, and tripping over stalagmites. At this point I have to remember to not eat the moss; it's poison.

SABOTAGE!!!!

2011-01-18T00:35:00.000-08:00

I like it when days are good, and time flies. Those are good signs, no? I just wish life made sense sometimes. Why is it I feel bad about not wanting certain things. Why is it that I am attracted, or I attract rather, the slightly unconventional? What is it that I put out there that causes some to 'obsess'? And only some do. Not all. I have no idea what I'm thinking right now; my mind is on fast forward in slow motion. I'm really tired, but I'm thinking too fast, but the subjects and words are evolving slowly.

On a separate but similar note; or a slightly unrelated, but along the same train of thought note... Do I over think things? Yes. Is that ok? I have no idea. I suppose it's what I'm over thinking. For instance, if I were to over think how someone is to perceive me, I can make myself feel like I'm sabotaging things because I don't want them to know how I view me... Wait; that came out completely wrong. See what I mean: it's not flowing. There are speed bumps and jagged turns with lots of obstacles to jump before it can make it to coherent; and by that time; the thought is unrecognizable.

It's not quite early enough for bed.

2011-01-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

I often find myself posting in my blog in the late hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning. This makes me wonder if I am suffering from insomnia and am wasting the time away by blurbing onto a page; or if I'm insomniatic because I have all of these thoughts racing in my head. Is the thought the cause or the means?

Regardless; I can't sleep right now. I was so so so tired earlier. I almost fell asleep during my movie. But I can't fall asleep during a movie. Not if I'm just tired. I have to be on the verge of sleep before I start it to actually be able to fall asleep during it. Or there has to be someone else around that I trust myself to fall asleep around them. I guess I have to feel secure. I was just laying on the edge of the right side of the bed; eyes wide open, contemplating the significance of realizing that I have been sleeping on the right side of the bed for a while. I even thought back; I generally take the right side of the bed; or the one that is butted up against the wall. if it's not against the wall; I have usually taken the right. except one time. I was on the left... I take the left if it's the farthest from the door. And this has only happened at places like: hotels. But this means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Who cares what side of the bed I sleep on? My dog certainly doesn't she'll sleep wherever she fits; she would just rather it not be against the wall, close to the center of the room.

... And then What is the grand scheme of things? What does that involve?

One of my fears has been deepened when it comes to that grand scheme, sort of. I fear that I'm viewed for what I could/should/am-expected-to be. Sometimes I think that I'm the face that is desired due to desperation. I'm the easy answer. But those people who view me that way; they don't really know me. They know the face I show them. I can't always be that. Not all of the time. Yes; sometimes I even think I could be the easy answer. But that's if someone knew the truth of it. And I reflect on that truth; which proves that I couldn't be.

I don't want desperation. I want reality. Cold hard reality.

Chick flicks are so easy to lose yourself in. That may be why I generally do not like them. They have no real substance. None of their scenarios would play out successfully in real life. Which begs the question; why have I been watching them so often lately? Am I trying to escape into some form of non-reality? What am I escaping from? What am I hoping to escape to? Maybe it's feeling that this life is completely hopeless. I don't see a way of it working out properly. And the Sunday school answer to this; I know is; Have faith. And I am always hearing people say that; but no one tells you how. What does that look like?

Then of course, there are the religious people in life that tell you to let go, or surrender. How do you do that? Not that I don't believe it can be done. I just don't understand it. I'm afraid to say there is no logic to it. But right now; that's where I'm at. I've lost all logic, and I want to lose myself in a movie with a great emotional soundtrack.

I like the picture more than the girl.

2011-01-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could be an incredibly callused person and be terribly rude and crass to everyone without a thought. But then I remember that I have to consider everyone's feelings. There is this thing that people do: they get irritated, or something upsets them a little bit, but they keep it to themselves for gawd knows what reasons, and then when it's too much; they fly off the handle. They go in the complete opposite direction of consideration. How that Halibut am I supposed to know that the circumstances of the daily bases have changed. How am I supposed to know to try and accommodate someone who is so so spoiled. Not spoiled in the sense that they get all the best all the time. But they get what they want because they want it, and it's always been that way. and if they didn't get what they want; they did something drastic until it worked out for them in a way that they wanted. I gotta get out of these types of situations. I cannot stand tip toeing around with a completely inconsistent variable. If the variable were a constant; I could manage; but if I HAVE NO IDEA that the variables have changed; how am I supposed to know to accommodate them before I get my head bit off?

Yes! This is an instantaneous reaction to a small instance that JUST happened. But I have been so stressed out lately that I'm half a step from the edge. But Me; I don't take it out on that person if I can't do it nicely. I HATE being this close to losing it.

I know that if I lose it a bit; I'm out on the street. And that makes the stress levels rise even more. There is no security. I'm balanced on a high wire one wrong move; and I'm done for.

Maybe if I stay to myself and don't make a peep; I'll be ok.

Oh wait; I've tried that; and I get chastised for being too cold and not being friendly. There is no happy balance. I want to be rescued; but there's no one left to rescue me.

Who is this Mirror girl I see?

2011-01-07T01:55:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel that I've been trying to be more reflective. I'm not sure if this is chosen reflection or forced reflection. But it is reflection no less. All of this reflecting is making me feel terrible. I am terrible. I feel terrible. What have I accomplished? I had moved out, but then I believed lies and such, wound up homeless, and had to move back home, where I have less to show for myself, save for more cynicism and a longing to leave. I had purchased my own car, it was mine, I owed nothing, but it had issues and I believed my mechanic and it just kept getting worse and worse I ended up paying for it twice over until all that was left was to donate it to charity, and now I only borrow my mom's car, and it is dying around me. I Got my bachelors degree, and took a job 'under the table' got laid off, and therefore have no real experience so no one will hire me, making it so I have to work retail, which I despise, with people who don't understand my situation and make assumptions, which only reflect back on me as being unworthy to work in my field because I'm just a cashier now... I could go on, and I probably will. I do not care for southern California. There is NO reason to be here, except I can't be anywhere else.

The next problem I face, besides not being able to find work, and not being able to provide for myself on any level is this: I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I don't understand how I got here. I only suppose it has something to do with me letting people walk all over me and take advantage of me. I may be pretty, I may have some brains, but they mean squat if you can't talk yourself up, and sell it as a product. I can't be what everyone wants me to be. That only builds stress and wears me thin, and crushes me down. I want to know what I'm good for if anything. Dear GOD! Who am I supposed to be?!

Eleven is my favorite number

2011-01-06T01:03:00.000-08:00

Hello New Year! If I had written a new years post any sooner than right now; it would have been inherently negative. I had back pain. I was feeling sickly. I was upset with one friend, and miffed by another. I was feeling insecure, alone, forgotten, used, and taken advantage of. You may ask: How could you define this year so terribly on the fifth day in? I would then answer: because it's carried over from previously. And last year wasn't all that great either. I'm not going into that detail anymore right now though; I expressed my distaste for it back in November at least once. Then of course the next question you would undoubtedly want a response for is: why is it a would have been? I would then smile at you bemusedly and say something completely vague and/or misleading. Then you'd look at me quizzically and probably walk away miffed and or frustrated. So instead of going through all that; I'm writing this out so you dont' have the opportunity to ask of me such trivial questions.

There is no real reason why my mood has dramatically changed today. I don't think this year will be better because it is simply a new year. I do however, have hope that it can be better. Yes; things can always get worse; and I might be in another foul mood in a day or so, but right now I'm hopeful and happy ish. I'm going to attribute this partially to the fact that I was able to sleep uninterrupted for an extended period of time today. Though, my back wasn't hurting directly after that; it is starting to ache once more. Not at the level it once was, and I hope that it's only stress related. But it has subsided it's ferocity of attack. I'm also able to breathe fully through my nose and hardly feel the need to cough up my lungs in more recent hours. I was also useful today. I accomplished a small feat. I went grocery shopping and made dinner. These may sound like menial tasks and some people do this on the daily. I am not those people. My circumstances do not beg of me to be so domestic. It was a hint of a routine I do not have, but would like to possess.

There is a part of me that would like to be able to have the opportunity to struggle through life successfully. To have the experiences that I'm missing out on. I'd like to have a job that I worked for, something that stimulates my brain. I want to take my work home with me, and have to plan out my meals so that I can do my shopping in a timely manner, and leave my shoes in the living room, and set up my desk wherever I please. Look at me; I'm rambling and not making sense. Again.

I am thankful that I was taken in by my aunt when I was, if she hadn't taken me in; I don't know what would have happened. I am glad I can live here where I am, and I'm not being forced out, because I can't even afford this. I am thankful that I have use of my mother's vehicle. Without it; I couldn't even be working the terrible job that I do have. I am thankful for so much.

And yet; There is so much that I wish I was better at. I fret sometimes over my disposition and the faults of my personality. I'm not the best: I'm generally average. and I am no good at talking myself up. I don't know what I'm on about now. My thoughts are too disconnected to keep them straight.

Sofa King

2010-12-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

There are only a few things that will really set me off, and it seems that they have been happening a lot lately. One of these things is stupidity... I hope that this is for obvious reasons. Another is people talking down to me. Do not, for one instance, insult my intelligence. I might have to eat you alive. I am not stupid, even if I am naive. Also! I am not less of a person just because of the position I hold, the amount of money I make, or for the fact that I am female. Superiority complex' piss me off. I also don't like people to say they know me. Not know in the sense of: "Oh, yeah, we hang out we're friends." I welcome that. But know in the sense of; "this is how you are." I like to be considered a mystery. I like to think that I'm not as predictable as a Disney movie. I like to think that I'm not just like everybody else. Do not speak for me, unless you know that you can. Do not assume that I am a certain way. I am less likely to want to talk to you ever again if you 'Know it all.' So: Know it all's piss me off too. I suppose i like to be thought of like more of a mystery, because I have a sever distaste for the run of the mill and ordinary. It is safe, and I don't know it. Safe is scary. Safe as in; I can be in this grove and never step out of myself and be safe because it's easy. Then I'd be purposeless. I'd also be purposeless if people could predict my every move. Yes, I am upset. No, I don't want to talk to you right now. You, are freaking me out! And that pisses me off!

Untitled Ramblings

2010-12-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

I'm quite certain that this is the 100th post of this year. Which is exciting for many reasons that I can create. One would be: Whoohoo! 100 posts in 2010. Another would include the fact that I've never before reached more than 100 posts in one year. Or; there is only 14 more posts until the 300th post ever. That's almost one third this year alone. And yes, each year, the number of posts has risen. But I don't really want the whole post to be about what the post is, that nullifies it's greatness. Then what will I continue this post on, you ask? I haven't the slightest. I could continue on the drab train of thought I tend towards on days like this. I hate my job, and boys let me down. I'm considering becoming a recluse. I miss my bestie. Or I could switch it up and ponder the importance of Hot chocolate on a dreary winters day/night. I don't think I will though. Of course I've not talked about how I've not been writing in a long while. I could explore they why's of why I'm unable to move on. But those thoughts have also become more commonplace, and are therefore drab thoughts to dwell on. So what do we have? I could sell; my paintings, I need money. But how would I go about that? I could do something creative, but I'm short a table. I could clean my room, but there's not a home for everything. I could quaff about food. I could rattle on about literature, or dragons and medieval nonsense of which I know nothing about. I assuredly do NOT want to get into politics or religion. Those are two topics that infuriate me because of the stupidity of people. Of course then there is the general topic of the stupidity of people. And then again; I can just leave it at discussing the possibilities of discussion because I'm in a foul mood of sorts, and I don't wish to continue this discussion at all anymore.

Vegetarian of Circumstance

2010-12-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

I thought about just updating my status, but I couldn't think of a way to fit this into 140 characters. I am both distressed and grateful for my recent appetite change. I still am unable to eat meat without feeling queasy. But I am also unable to eat my normal portions. I eat maybe 2, 3 tops, times a day. I stare at the options or wander into the kitchen when I'm hungry, and nothing sounds good. So I don't even nibble. This isn't new behavior. It's the; I should eat, that has changed. I think; "I should eat" because it's right to eat or whatnot. So I think about what I can have that is available to me before I even get up to scavenge for it. But then I think about something that would normally sound good, and I get grossed out. So I don't go look. It's not until my stomach is yelling at me and/or eating itself that I venture into the kitchen. But half the time, it still seems unappetizing so I turn around and leave again. When I finally do convince myself to have, say; a vegetable and cheese croissant, I only am able to just eat that much. I know I'm still hungry, but I can't eat any more than that. I like vegetable sandwiches and all, but in this house; meat still reigns king of the dinner table. But the thought of it = Yuck. This is very sad. As far as going out is concerned; that eliminates most fast food joints. and all of my favorite cuisines at said food venues. (the saddest thing ever: I saw a Carl's sign and thought; that looks gross, then almost cried.) I love Cheeseburgers. I really like steak. I can live without eating at Taco Bell again (that fiend that done me wrong.) But I think I'll crumble if I can't go to In'n'out or Carl's anymore. That's really all the fast food I eat besides Del Taco. I eat at Chick'fil'a when I have lunch breaks, but I don't think I can even do Chicken. This sucks! But I am eating smaller portions (not that that was my problem) and healthier snacks (but for some reason I can still eat Oreos (or their off brand equivalent "Tuxedos")). Just writing this about food: my stomach is upset. I am both hungry, but not wanting to eat food. Can I have some pan seared veggies? With a little bit of garlic, butter and salt? Oooh! Wahoos Fish Taco's Banzai Shrimp Burrito... Not sure about the shrimp, but it doesn't sound unappetizing. Too bad the closest one is way far away. But according to some Shrimp, which is fish, is not considered meat... I'll have to explore that thought a bit more. Anyways... The only thing left to wonder is this: will I ever get my appetite for meat back? or will I be a vegetarian of circumstance forever? (and I like vegan food, I just can't afford it, but that's another topic for another time.)

War is Change

2010-12-09T01:26:00.000-08:00

There are times when I wonder if we're even talking about the same things with our metaphors. On occasion; I fall in love with my metaphors, not realizing that they are being interpreted differently than I mean for them to be. Other times, I don't even know that they're not being interpreted at all. They are being taken for their literal words. Which is ok. Usually I speak vaguely for the sheer appeal of it. That, or I'm not being specific to protect certain parties involved. What it comes down to is this: I'm too nice. So I'm vague. Which makes me confusing. So I'm nice and confusing, which only begs to confuse people even more. Yippee! Maybe we should explore they whys of this... Why am I too nice? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't like it when people are upset or angry with me. I like a level playing field. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want them to have the opportunity to be better than they probably are. I have too much faith in mankind? Or maybe it's as simple as not wanting to burn bridges. If I'm at all irritable, these people aren't going to want to have anything to do with me in the future. And I've lost too many people already. I have been friendless for too many years. I don't want that to happen. As far as being vague goes; sometimes I don't know they whole truth, or I don't want to admit that it is just that; the truth. Perhaps I like the idea of a mystery. Not everything should be handed on a silver platter, you have to work for it. I may be an open book, but you have to know how to read the language to get all the answers. What if the words are a riddle. What if you aren't holding it the right way. What if you skipped a chapter... You won't get it. But then again, both my vagueness and my openness have driven 'people' away. Which that may just be my subconscious screaming at me. "You aren't ready for this." "This isn't right." "You haven't moved on yet." "This guy, seriously?" "If you say that, they'll leave you, like before."

Regardless of reasons. Regardless of what I'm too nice to do. This is all too much for me. And I don't know how to handle it. Despite what people may think; I'm not as strong for forth spoken as they may believe. I don't always say what I want/should. I may think it, but I've been conditioned to be sensible and keep the peace. Stupid peace. Stupid stupid stagnant never changing blahness.

Sometime I Used To Know

2010-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

Food poisoning is a strange awakening. It opens your eyes because you know you should eat, but nothing that is unhealthy, sounds good to eat. This is at least true for me. Actually, nothing really sounds good to me right now. But the healthy things don't look as unappetizing as those things which aren't as healthy. I do know that this will pass, and eventually I will choose the things that taste good, over the things that are good.

I wish that I could get an awakening for other things. Like; not want things that are bad for me. Or at least have the willpower to say no to them. In the very least not miss people who are no good for me. Not want to be friends with them still. There is a reason that we don't communicate anymore. We usually only remember the good things when reminiscing. Only when we reflect a bit too long may we remember those things that drove us apart.

It's strange when you don't know what it is. But then you see those things after thinking about it. But they didn't bother you then, why should they bother you now. On another leg; there are times when you're like; 'Why did that bother me? So stupid!" But it must have bothered you enough to have said something then. Or maybe you did go overboard and behave rashly. I do tend to overreact sometimes. My once 'good friends' learned to deal with it accordingly, until (I suppose) they got fed up and discontinued association with me. I do have the tendency to place the blame upon myself when I have no idea what's happened. Why are we not friends anymore. Why, when I say hi; do you completely ignore my existence?

I would continue this thought, but the smell of food is making me feel sick once more. That or I'm getting emotional, so my subconscious is being a wise ass in attempts to get me off this track of thoughts. CHoochooChoot!

Rolling a Murphy's Law

2010-12-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

I had the greatest thing to post last night, but I was far too tired and fell asleep as soon as I turned on my computer and logged onto my screen... Now I haven't the faintest idea of what it was in regards to. Then I thought of another thing this morning, that was equally as intriguing of a thought process, but it seems imperative that I am conversed with. I'm not complaining about the conversation. I am glad for it. But it's curious how when I'm not busy, nothing happens, it's not until after I am already occupied, that I become a person of interest. Isn't that true of everything though.

Like that, just now: I completely lost my train of thought. I like playing confidant. I am the greatest secret keeper. But I lost my train of thought.

Murphy's law? Yes, I think that would fall under the category of Murphy's Law. Everything that Can go wrong, Will go wrong. Or as Nickname would say: "He just rolled a one." Speaking of: I don't know how I feel about that. Rolling ones and whatnot. It's basic slapstick, the most predictable mode of action in the film. Like the Disney movies; They will kiss. it's inevitable. someone will double cross someone else, and the big scary guy is a softie at heart. In a Chinese film: Either the girl dies, or everyone does. I think I'm completely off topic now. Dangnabit. Come back to me thought process, I can't even make decisions without you.

The Importance of Dental Hygiene

2010-12-02T02:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there's a moment when you don't really know what you're going to say, there's just a general idea that something needs to be said, but then you have no idea of how to start, but you know that you just must. Sometimes there's this... thing, that's looming, just hovering over your head, sitting on the tip of your brain, waiting to be said; if only the words would form. On another hand: sometimes, you know exactly what to say, what you want to happen, or what you're expecting, and you can't bring yourself to complete the task, thought, action, revelation, or truth for one reason or another. Maybe I'm the only one, but I can't usually say these things. On occasion; I know it so intently that I start to try to say something, and in waiting for the words to come, whilst still holding the attention of my audience; I'll just say: Ok, ok.. ok ok, ok... Until I find a word to start it. But then still; sometimes I'll pause after the first words, and start all over. Sometimes I'll realize that the first way I was going to start will not have the effect I would have hoped for. Sometimes I drive myself crazy with trying to please people and still be honest.

These truths are usually about either my own personal choices, and may or may not be in relation to how they are effecting my audience. But sometimes they are about my audience themselves. Not too frequently; but sometimes. Sometimes I'm too nice for my own good. Sometimes I can't find the gumption to say; "Dude, brush your teeth." or "You kinda look like a pregnant hippopotamus." Sometimes I can't say; "I'm thinking I might want to move to the other side of the country." Because then I'll have to explore the why's of that. Each statement I make begs a thousand more questions. I don't know that I want to get to the root of the issues. I'm not certain that I want to delve that deep that soon. I may come across as irrational to do so at such a stage. But what I need to say is based in truths. Facts that I hold dear to me. Either moral, hygienic, scientific, relational, etc.

Once again, I don't know if I've put together a coherent thought, but this is what bled from me just now. Happy Thursday everyone.

4 seconds to change perspective.

2010-11-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

Last year, I decided to move back to CA for a while. One month from today; I will have been here for A year. And I've already covered this nonsense of what has changed... It has of course changed since then already. The world keeps turning, life goes on. Sometimes plans change, sometimes there is no real plan, just a general idea of what you want to happen. I'm at that place again, where I can be anywhere, as long as I find work. I was unsuccessful at finding real work here.

Sometimes our own lives aren't the important ones. Sometimes, it's the ones around us that matter. It should be what can I do for you? My life will work itself out. Maybe I'm just supposed to be there for others. Maybe my purpose in life isn't what I want, but what I can be for others.

Perhaps life throws you curve balls so you can learn to dance around them.

Just want you to notice.

2010-11-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

Who'da thunk that an ending like this would bring such high spirits? I honestly feel that I can tie my overly emotional downtrodden mood to this. Now that it's over, (it may sound cliche) I feel like a weight is lifted. I can smile freely, I think I can be my jovial, overly hyped, normal self. I may revert back to depressy, but not more than normal I feel. And these last few weeks, it's been way too much. It's been too much for even me to handle. October was terrible. But I'm good now. :D it is the 7th of November, and I'm good. It's been a good day. (I'm still up from the 6th) I was stood up today. I was broken up with (it seems like twice) today. I was asked to do what I could not do. I was accused of being two faced. But I'm good. I'm awesome. I have good friends. And I'm not the crazy one. I mean; I am crazy, but just as crazy as I know I am. Just as crazy as this girl can be. and it's a good crazy. I don't know what I want. I don't always know who I am, or where I stand. I don't have anything really figured out. I think about odd things. But I got family, and friends who care. They don't just say they care. I am better than I'm made out to be. True; I may still be in love with the past, but there's no changing the past. I can only try to move on from here. But I can now. there's nothing looming over me, judging my every move. I can open my mouth and say what I want to say. Not fearing that I'm being judged. Not caring if what I say, if it be wrong, is a deal breaker. That's too much work. I am a daughter of the most high. I need him. I don't know what that means to me yet. I may not know how to get to where I need to be. But right now, I'm surging with the confidence that I can get to the place where I know I should be. One day; I'll figure out my path. Until then, I'm happy to be alive. I love, I live, I am me.

12 months to opposite it

2010-11-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

Let us take a step back to reflect. What has this past year taught us? You may wonder why in November I would be considering the passed year. Because the beginning of how my life changed, started in November of last year. It is now November once again. It most definitely has not turned out how I would have imagined it. I would never have dreamed that I would be living pay check to pay check working as a clerk at BevMo. I wouldn't have thought that I would have had 3 boyfriends. I would NEVER have dreamed that I would fall in love with a boy across a great distance and then have my heart ripped out by him (unbeknown to him). I would not have thought that I'd be considering the consequences and whatnot of an interracial relationship. I did not anticipate not being productive at all in design. I hadn't thought I would be helpless. I was in Wisconsin a year ago, not yet planning on coming back here. Not yet having met either boyfriend one or two. I'd not thought my best friend would be so far away from me and no longer thinking she'll grow up to be a dog lady. I didn't know I'd feel hopelessly depressed at the drop of a hat. I am caught off guard by the amount of emotions that careen through me daily. Who'da thunk that I would be the girl to see a boy's face and be crushed. Who'da thunk I would be considered a 'one of those girls' because of who I associated with. Who would have believed that my social skills would be so dismally vanquished by my lifestyle. But It's not all been negative. I have a boy that confuses me with how much he likes me. Most would be running for the hills. I can not fathom why he likes me so much. I really have no idea. Also; on a lighter note; there have been some good developments. I've been reconnected with my online friends, which contributes to the delinquency of my social skills. I've also got my creative juices flowing again. not in all the ways I'd prefer, but some none the less. I suppose I'll just have to take what life has given me and be happy with it. I just don't want to be the girl in the Pearl Jam song... "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." I hope that'll never be true.

Beneath a Broken Heart

2010-10-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if you wonder like I do. Do you feel what I feel. Have you looked for what I've looked for. Are we reading the same book. Listening to the same song.Wishing on the same star, under the same sky. Then I remember you did the leaving. So it doesn't matter if you do or not. It wouldn't be the same for you. Our perspectives are different. We are on two different playing fields. Even if you wondered like I wondered it wouldn't be the same wondering. One is looking up at home one would be looking down on it. Separate sides of the same ocean maybe. It's uncrossable. Hope has departed because we are on different planes. Heading to different destinations. Even though I thought we held the same ticket. In truth, we don't even ride the same transportation. This isn't a game of cat and mouse, this isn't cat's and dogs. This is Polar Bears and Mountain Goats. Two mutually exclusive beings existing on the same earth in completely different worlds. Too bad I'm not used to the gravity of this one.

Kicking Dirt onto Year Four

2010-10-19T01:45:00.000-07:00

Another anniversary blog. Wow. It was October 19th 2007 that I started this blog with an introduction of myself. I worked at John's Place Restaurant. I was going to school. My 'best friend' was Buzzy. I has issues with the Hedgehog. I was contemplating a costume for Halloween at Jam's apartment. Now I sit here staring at this screen with a broken heart. Buzzy doesn't talk to me unless I run into him, and then he makes empty promises with his empty smile, and I don't even try to cover up my hurt and disinterest. The Hedgehog is exactly the same as he was. Working the same job, in the same city, seeing the same people at the same places at the same times. Of course there are subtle changes, but nothing to write home about. I have not seen him since graduation. Which is another new thing. I have graduated from AI with a BS degree and I was promptly laid off. As I have stated many times in this blog; I am an inadequate product of that education. I'm just in debt over my head to dear Sallie Mae, and I have no means to pay the twit. I work a sad job selling alcohol to people in a retail environment with a fake smile on daily. I'm not even sure if I'll be going out for ole hallows eve this year. I've been invited to a Punk show, and I have a costume that I don't want to wear any longer. I can't go back to Jam's she no longer lives there and is now married to another dear friend of mine. Besides, I'll probably have to work, I need to too. I have an order to appear in court today for a speeding ticket, and it's my first offense. I wasn't even criminally speeding, and they spelled my name wrong on my ticket. Maybe the judge will throw it out because of that. I wish. But the biggest thing: is my broken heart. I really never expected to be the one pining over some boy for 8 months after the fact, because he broke my heart. I never expected to be a girl to claim a broken heart. but that is all that makes sense to call it. I'd like to move past this, but I don't want to let go. If that makes any sense. I never wanted to open up that far in the first place. I never expected to be the one to give that much away, and then have the rug pulled from under me. Then continue tripping over it's threads long after it's gone. I want the rug back. even though it's found a new home under someone else's feet. I've been offered a new rug, it looks like a better rug. But I can't say yes to the rug. It's a great rug, but I don't think it matches the rest of the decor.

Valediction, Where are you?

2010-10-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

I hate that fear grips me. It pulls me to itself and rips me apart. I sinks me down to another level. One I've not known the likes of previously. I am unable to speak. Not letting out what's in my mind. Reasons evade me. I am helpless against it. I scavenge for a purpose to it. I find none but the circles looping me back to what I don't understand. Then I fear the return.

I am so cynical that this is normal to me. I am so weary that I do not scream out of the pain of it. My eyes leak the un-cried tears for something that is so far gone, I can not name it any longer. Is there hope left? Somewhere? In some space? Will I wade out of this soon? Or be left to rot here for too long a time to state it? My heart cries help. My lips refuse to move. Set in a jut of my jaw. As my eyes leak the truths I still don't begin to understand. Valediction, Where are you?

Swinging back to Redundancy.

2010-10-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

What is this? I can't really place my finger on it. I try to be upbeat and happy. But then, if I get one minute alone to dwell by myself, I revert back to my 'emo' self. Which is not my usual norm. I can smile even if my heart is heavy. I feel like there is a weight, pulling my down by my core. It's latched onto my chest, my soul, and is tugging my forward, holding me low. I can't get free of it. I want to be able to be free, and let myself feel more than I am. It doesn't happen though. I can't seem to get to that point.

I can't get to the point that someone else is at. I hold back. I am unwilling to step forward and feel. But I feel like I can't feel. That seems oxymoronic and redundant. It's the only way I can think to say it though. I dunno. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe this hormone thing is effecting more than just my blood stream. It's been 3 years. Medically, I did nothing to counteract what was wrong. Three years is enough time to silently F yourself up internally. Hmmm... but that's not what I was thinking.

I Freakin' cried at a Bark Off commercial. There is most definitely something wrong with me. People around me notice my horrid mood swings. What the F is wrong? I have not changed. Maybe being peaceable and ambiguous is getting to me. Maybe I was meant to be the ass that I am in my filtered thoughts. Maybe I'm crazy. maybe maybe maybe.

Oh look! another post where I have no point, and say basically nothing. Joy, Rapture!

I guess it just comes back to the same ole same old, I don't know what I want. I am afraid to let anyone in. But then again. If you'd had your heart ripped out after finally letting someone hold it, you'd be a little hard pressed to let go again, at least so soon.

Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I am so bitter, I am unwilling to let go. No, I want to let go. I would like to move on. But there's a part of my that just won't. Poop. That there is also Oxymoronic and Stupid. Woe is me. I'm going to bed... wake me up when I don't have to decide before feeling the right answer anymore.

Blind Anger Festering

2010-10-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

If someone makes you angry, by them just stating their opinion, who is the one at fault? The one stating their opinion? or you? Is it then alright to tip toe around someone because they might get angry at you for having an opinion? Is it not wrong to let them remain the same? Wouldn't they then never learn to co-exist in the real world? If you are allowed to go off because of what one thing says, and the people around you are careful not to upset you? How do you expect to have everyone in the world be so cordial to you? I think that doing something like that for someone is a hindrance to their growth as a person. True friends stab you in the face. And if you are a big enough person to understand that they are being themselves, and only want you to be a better person, life will go on, and you will be a better person.

The Apocalypse led to Love

2010-10-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

I know that this will be out of the norm, I have a consistent look for these posts: But I did not want to type this up again. I told in a Chat Box and I am just going to retell it via Copy Paste.

[09:41:53] * Van did have an new interesting dream though

[09:42:25] @ Van : it was much like the Family Trompiere dream

[09:42:39] @ Van : except it had nothing to do with HS and pretending to be something that you're not

[09:43:26] @ Van : Some of the other people in the house were my coworkers, others were completely made up.

[09:43:34] @ Van : It was a river house... and it was HUGE

[09:44:35] @ Van : After much debate I took the bedroom that was more like an insulated patio... (it had a tiny pool) there was another pool that was huge, and outside

[09:44:39] @ Van : OOOOHHH

[09:44:46] @ Van : And this was all after I died

[09:45:56] @ Van : The Apocalypse came like an atom bomb in the sky, the sun exploded and it sent shards out that destroyed the earth. And in my 'consciousness' I awoke in a white van. With lots of people I knew

[09:46:07] @ Van : (I don't remember if I knew them in RL)

[09:46:27] @ Van : And the side doors swung open and we were presented with an option.

[09:46:34] @ Van : We were offered a redo

[09:46:56] @ Van : We would go back to a certain point, and if we chose to go back, we had to live our lives better.

[09:47:18] @ Van : We would have to be more open and share the truth with people, both that we knew and we didn't

[09:47:46] @ Van : I chose to go back, This one guy was still sitting in the Van fraught with the decision

[09:48:25] @ Van : Before that my Jenny told me she was getting married... and I feared we wouldn't be friends anymore, but my brother was a famous animator... *shrugs* anywho

[09:48:42] @ Van : After selecting my room, I looked down at the river, which was rising

[09:49:29] @ Van : And There was a Volkswagen that had been parked on the grass, next to the dock of my neighbors house and I watched as the water rose and started to carry it away.

[09:49:44] @ Van : so I ran to my neighbors house and pounded on their side sliding door

[09:50:02] @ Van : and a girl came out and found a rope that was tied to it and started pulling it back in.

[09:50:37] @ Van : So I helped her, but the brunt force of the two of us pulling made it fly and land on a pile of grassy hay stuff

[09:51:11] @ Van : She said: "It's not a beetle (because I had called it that when I knocked on her door) it's a converted Buss"

[09:51:29] @ Van : And it was, the roof had been redone so I couldn't tell it was a Volkswagen bus

[09:51:42] @ Van : And then her brother came out of the house...

[09:51:50] @ Van : The scenes picked up from here

[09:52:08] @ Van : Eventually: He and I 'fell in love'

[09:52:21] @ Van : and I met more of the people that lived in my house.

[09:53:01] @ Van : There was one guy, who became friends with my 'bf' and I discovered he lived on the fourth floor, but would be leaving for school in a few days.

[09:53:08] @ Van : I'm sure there was more.

[09:53:20] @ Van : But they consist of details about the house.

[09:53:37] @ Van : Like the door-less rooms of the finished basement

[09:53:51] @ Van : Or the roughhousing boys who chose rooms down there.

[09:54:53] @ Van : Or the fact that I went to Billy's house to jump in the pool from the balcony a few times and each time, and automated voice told me something along the lines of "This is a restricted area" But it did not use those words.

[09:54:55] @ Van :

[09:55:31] @ Van : That is all for now.

Dragon Lady Magus

2010-10-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

So... I was doing an 'improv' RP... and got a little carried away. Enjoy

*** The year is 1472, somewhere in the mountains of what is now a European country. Angana has just been summoned to the high court by the Kings personal guard. She had known that war was imminent, she had even warned the king that she could be of assistance in their time of need. He would have none of that. He raved about the need to keep war fair. As if war could be fair. He didn't want the help of her magic to interfere with fate. Where did he get all of this garbage? He had been a strange child, he'd shied away from her when he'd started his schooling. It must have been those strange philosophers that were his teachers, putting strange and foreign ideas in his head. These philosophers were the fall of this kingdom. Angana knew it in the core of her being.
Upon entering the throne room, Angana picked up on the tense emotions that flooded the royalty and spilled over to their tenants.
"You called for me sire?" She hissed.
A pained expression flashed across the kings face. She almost smiled when she read in his features that he knew he needed her now. But she stopped when she also realized it might be too late. The loud sounds of battle were drawing close to the palace.
"You know I hate to ask a favor of you, Angana. And I do so now begrudgingly. I still do not believe that what you offer..."
She cut him off with her hand, silencing him. She could not bear to listen to him to go on and on about fairness and the unnaturalness that she was. "It is my purpose in my life to serve this kingdom, it's people, and most of all it's royal line. What will you have me do sire? The enemy is already passed the gate? You may have waited too long to see the error of your previous choice. I do hope you have a good strategy and plan." She spoke as a serpent would, her words melted from her lips, asking for something to devour.
The king looked incredulous. "I" he began, "Would have you tell me how to win."
"That is cheating sire."
He sat down hard and set his jaw. "It is not your place to tell me these things. I am king."
"Then rule as one. Don't act like a spoiled child, your 37 years of life should have taught you something."
The king glowered at her. "Guards!" immediately there were guards on her, shackling her limbs. The fighting sounds died down, and the prince from their enemies court appeared through a side door.
"What is this? You have become traitor to your own people?!" The Guards gagged her, and her skin started to glow.
"I told you she was the spawn of Satan, you should have done away with her long ago."
Hearing these words from the enemies lips and seeing her sire smiling at the imbecile, she grew hot with anger. The shackles broke from the pressure of her growing arms and she was soon a large dragon jutting through the walls. She spoke with an eerie vehemence to her once king. "You sleep in the bed of the unwise, and your kingdom shall now fall, as the walls of this palace is now." With this she breathed a breathe of blue hot flames and erupted through the ceiling.
As she flew away to her secret lair in the mountains, her heart cried for those of her people who she had just caused deaths for. She hoped that the kings siblings who'd not neglected her would not now neglect their duty to their people. As Angana landed, she cried one large dragon tear that became the most perfect ruby, she howled as only a dragon whose heart is broken can roar, and then slowly became her self again. She could see the smoke in the distance as her beloved city, and it's people burned.

Ranking on a totem pole.

2010-10-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

I was going to say I missed you, and write it on your wall. But when I got there, someone else had already done it. Someone who, I feel, is not as important... that's the wrong word, but I'll use it anyway. That made me a little angry. I, an important person, cannot look like I'm copying someone of a lower stature than myself on your totem pole.

This of course causes me to explore why I am feeling this way at all. Being angry for something like this is ludicrous. I find that it is a seed of jealousy. Why should I be jealous of them? Because I want to feel important. and someone else was there before I could be.

I want to matter to someone that matters to me. I cherish my friends. I know that my friends have other friends. But when you are forgettable to most of them, it gets to you after a while, and you start to feel unimportant. This is probably another one of those hollow things that I feel. But I feel it nonetheless.

In attempts to rectify this world from it's selfishness. To make sure that I am not a hypocrite. Whenever I think of someone who is important to me, I try to let them know. That may make me seem crazy. But I want people to feel important. I guess this falls under the train of thought: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Dismal Water

2010-10-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a specific mood? A mood where you don't want to listen to anything but a certain band? A mood were no movie will do, but a certain one? Where you don't want to hear a specific name or joke? You don't want to see a person? Where the only way to get away from that mood is a distraction? But you are incapable of creating that distraction yourself? You know that you need a distraction, and those who are capable of pulling you out of said mood are unaware of how to help?

I've been there a few times. All I needed was a distraction. It's all hollow. Each mood has no center. It has no base. It's shallow and depressing. It comes from letting yourself over-think things. The antidote is to think of something else. To pick yourself up by dwelling in another realm of thought.

Very few people understand this. I believe that there could be another way around it. But I have yet to find it.

Until then I will wade in the waters of my own demise.

Sin is Sciscm

2010-10-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

I had an idea. I thought I could add scenes to the Dog Catcher, and then complete it.

I also noticed that I tend to not have happy endings. I realized today while thinking in the shower that I do not tend towards the typical story line. I have been contemplating a 'song' about the other girl in the movies. The girl that the guy uses until he realizes that the main girl is his. Well What the Heck?! When does Drunk Girl 2 get hers? Who finishes her story? Does she get to live happily ever after? Probably not.

Then I started thinking about 'Happily Ever After' and I realized the only way to show that would be to hit on a few high points of how they choose to live and work together and end it when either one or the other dies. It's not all friggin sunshine and roses people. Not everyone gets the dream story. Not everything works out in the end. Sometimes there are more hard knocks than happy endings. In all the movies; the average people happy at the end is 2. Two people. The odds don't look too good for everyone else. Stupid Disney movies based in predictability, giving girls (or anyone for that matter) a false sense of hope for a happy life by the time they're old enough to 'fall in love.'

I'm sorry, I think my cynicism is showing. But I would rather be cynical than hopeless. At least I still have hope. I have the common sense to tell myself that the fairytale won't happen, but I let myself believe that it can. Look! I lost my topic again. On some levels; everyone is cynical... maybe not the same cynical as me... that would be hopeless for mankind as we know it. I'm going to stop now... now that I'm in a mind rut.

Seeping Through a Broken Filter

2010-10-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm quite certain I've already covered this, but eh.

There is no way to be completely unfiltered and truthful. I am finding this to be increasingly true. A person cannot be totally honest without looking like a dick at some point. I would like to be able to tell and say EVERYTHING that is on my mind at times, but then I think of all the people who have the opportunity to hear or see it. So I cannot say it. What I say has an impact on others perceptions of both themselves and me, as well as the world around them. Unbeknownst to them it may be, but it still is. There are parts of me that I would love to tell the world about, but there may be a few persons that would take it the wrong (or right) way, and their knowing would either be taken completely out of context or the weight of it would crush me. And that sounds very selfish. Because it is. Either option is a selfish one. Either it will benefit me, or it will crush me. and the same for not doing it. But since they are my thoughts it is completely up to me to either share them or keep them to myself. I do not NEED to share my every experience even if I would want to. If it would help me to get them off my chest, perhaps I should. But then we come back to that shame factor.

This was scattered and I got distracted halfway through with a sad song, and thinking about all those things that I do not share.

Sealing Fates

2010-09-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

It had been two weeks. Two full weeks. The gnawing in her stomach would not cease. Pacing the floor, Achindra wrung her hands together as she waited. She’d already waited two weeks. She’d waited as she started to feel sick. She’d waited, willing this away. She did not want it to be true. She knew something like this would be his undoing. She could not tell him if it was true, and not just a fluke. Still she paced. Looking up at the clock frequently, she bit into her lip. She did not like this waiting. She thought about how she was usually a patient person. She tried to distract herself by thinking of something else. But she couldn’t focus on anything else. She listened to the clicking of her heels as she passed between the rug and the tile, and back again. She rubbed her forehead, and hoped a headache would not start due to all of this worry. She would not be on her best game if she had one. Two weeks, she’d been thinking about what to say. She had been thinking about if she would tell him. She had been thinking about what would happen if she did tell him. She even thought about what she would do if she didn’t tell him. She looked at the clock again. 30 seconds. Thirty seconds wouldn’t make a difference, but still. So she walked slowly back to the bathroom. She walked back to where the test lie. She walked back to see the two pink lines that sealed her fate. Now all she had to do was keep it to herself of seal someone seal Xereaux’s fate to fall as well.

Got carried away thinking.

2010-09-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Glendora store is only a 15 minute drive from that house in West Covina. It is an half an hour bike ride ish. I could transfer, and then find a second job there and work on my company. I could also run in that neighborhood, and feel safe, I could work on my tan in the winter like an crazy outta stater. I could shop at Ralph's which is close to that store, I could get a motorcycle license and take classes at MtSAC. I could find a nice church and get connected. I could record using that closet space, and I could network and meet the right people. I could make my company start. Then I could make friends with a nice boy and we'll be really close, and then we'll get married and I will support him in all of his endeavors and he, me in mine. I could be lots of things. But I can see it happening, so It probably won't ever happen. Just a thought.

The Dog is out for the Cather of dogs

2010-09-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

I added more to this an long time ago... and I just added more on a whim today. So I will share both parts:

5.11

I stood there in shock as my eyes strained against the dark to adjust. Just then; a loud crack resounded throughout the hall. I looked all around me for what could have made the disturbance. I saw nothing. Swooshing sounds came hurtling towards me, and I was knocked flat onto my back. In the next instant; the sheer terror that filled me erupted into a deafening scream that never escaped my lips. Everything went black.

Part 6.1

When I opened my eyes, everything was still black. I tried to open them again. I still could not see. Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I tried to remember where I was. I gasped when I remembered the events that had happened, and tears stung at my eyes. Supposing I was still in danger, even in the dark; I still tried to be as quiet as possible. I whispered "Scotty." I heard his paws on metal which sounded down to me. I then realized I was not hearing anything else any more. Where had Boyd gone to? What about his guests? Where they in the room I had just escaped from? How long had I been unconscious? Was I safe? Had they gone?

Then I heard a loud scrape as if a chair were being dragged across the floor. I tried to place where it had come from, but the sound was too short for me to recognize it. I tried to gently get up from the floor, but when I rose. There were bright lights and immense pain in my darkened vision. My head stung in two places. Both; where I had been hit, and where I had landed. I bit my lip to keep from making any noise and held my head in my hands, willing the white lines of pain to leave me.

When Swim is No Longer an Option

2010-09-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Where do you go when you're scared? Where would you go if that place was not there anymore? What would you do if all your options were exhausted? How would you hope if there was nothing left?

If fear was the dominant driving emotion in your life, how would you handle that? What do you trust in, when everything you've had faith in seems to fail? How do you hold on when all you've held on to seeps from your grasp? Who do you turn to when there is no one there?

What decisions do you make when all the choices are gone? When there are no more opportunities, how do you make a way? How do you keep living?

At least I have the World Wide Web

2010-08-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about trying to work on my novel. But I can't manage to be productive with it. I keep formatting the pages and staring at it. Then I re-read the part I'm 'working' on and I think of scenes that I could add but they aren't concrete enough to make into scenes yet and then I start thinking of why. Which leads me to think of Real Life scenes that will never come to pass. And that depresses me and makes me not want to work on my Novel anymore. Another vicious circle comes to fruition.

Then my stomach starts to growl and grumble and complain, but there's no food. And I don't have the Caddy yet, Oh how I miss the Caddy, so I can't go anywhere to get food. I don't want to eat all my banana bread in one day. I had to get banana bread because they did not have banana nut muffins at either Kwik trip we stopped at yesterday. They also did not have 1% milk, so I got Skim, which isn't really the same, and then BP does not carry wildberry pull'n'peels anymore. Which is the most depressing thing on the planet.

So I get to sit here, and stare at a page I won't be able to add to, with a growling stomach and think about something/someone I can't have or see.

Everybody Hurts, Few Bleed

2010-08-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Who am I really hurting by this?

I think I am the only one effected by my stupidity on the regular. What am I trying to prove and to whom? Who is it that I am rebelling against? I know that it is a guilt trip that causes people to justify their actions. It is those who need to justify to themselves what they do that are the ones running their mouths off with justifications at a simple comment, whether directed at them or just stated in general.

So who am I running from? I feel like I am. I feel the need to justify my actions. I think I might be running from the me I think I should be, for the me that I think I could never be. Just to prove me wrong. But I could be that girl. I could also hate her for all eternity. I already don't approve of most of her actions.

And why, when I analyze this psychologically, is it justified by the pain caused from misdirected emotions. Why do I let this still hurt me? How is it possible that I am not letting myself completely move past this? Maybe because I know that there are things that cannot be undone here, and they will always reside. That; coupled with the lack of other wants I'm holding onto, I am a miserable wreck.

In other words. I am a girl. I am a female. I am a woman. All baggage and drama included no matter how hard I fend it off.

You So Did Not Just Post That

2010-08-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to attempt to cover some old topics that were never typed up, as well as some new ones if I can remember them...

Does anyone know how it comes about that some people want to be in control so much? For example, I am a nerd and am a part of a role playing website. Some members of said website continually have characters with the same exact personality. They talk like they are better than everyone and seem like they have more power than everyone else, like they are fighting to have control. This sort of behavior makes me ponder why. Why do they feel the need to hold that power? Why do they have to be better than everyone else? These thoughts lead me to consider other persons that I know in real life. Some people like to be the center of attention, they thrive on the belittlement or control of others. These persons, I believe are lacking in other areas on the same level. Meaning: perhaps they are the lowest member on the totem pole in their own home, or perhaps they have been in their victims place before under different circumstances. Regardless of reason though, I do believe that it is psychological, and maybe not even on purpose. Which leads me to believe that they may be struggling with other issues as well. Like issues that they cannot see beyond themselves. For instance; It has been said that the faults we pick on in others, are our greatest insecurities in ourselves. But that's not what I'm saying. OK: the posting notes thing. The: Do this thing because I don't want to have to do it. In some cases, this is not an unfounded thing. But, if you are wrapped up in yourself and your own plights only, you may not see that others are unable to react the way you want them to, and in turn do that thing that you do not want to do. An old example would be the thing with the lights. I would leave the lights on because I was not the only one using the space and I was thinking of someone else. Said lightswitch was hard, if not dangeraous, to find in the dark. If I had been questioned directly, this knowledge would have been found out and we could go on with our lives. But, I was not questioned, a note was posted as a continual reminder and I was attacked with a "Why did you leave the light on" in an anything but friendly tone. In other circumstances; I would be happy to help and have even tried. I make it a point to stay out of the way so that things are easier for others. But then it is stated that, and with angry words too, One person is unable to continue to do something as a martyr. You're not a fecking martyr, put your damn crap away and I will be more than happy to make the surfaces spotless.

I am going to walk away from this post now and fix my filter.

Another Crazy Dream

2010-08-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

Wouldn’t it be funny if we all knew each other in Real Life? I think so. I also think that my dreams are weird. I see them like a film in my head; scene transitions, steady camera shots through photos to live action, panning, etc. This is the movie I watched in my head last night. It is kind of hard to describe; but I will do my best.

It started on the Year book. The Family B______ had their own section in said year book instead of a picture like the others. First entry you zoom into a sepia family portrait, when it becomes full frame, it changes into a silent family film. First of the 70’s style parents, free spirits, then it goes to color film of the children. The frame pauses on each to give us a name, like opening credits; First Beaut, then Shiney, then everyone else as well.

These Children were all the parent’s foster children. Orphans and playing a part. I was the new addition to the family. We all lived as a family did; but the story starts on the bus to school.

Each of us are masquerading as sophomores in a small town. The first bus ride to school, all of us rode the bus to school together. The girls more towards the center front and the boys center back. After many seat changes, we settled in and Shiney and I sat next to each other, with Beaut across the aisle in front, and Moony across from her, All the boys were behind and I’m not sure where everyone else ended up.

School itself was odd. Since everyone else had already been. I was led around and showed the ropes. I had classes with everyone. Beaut, Moony and I had Gym together directly before Lunch when we all ate together. At the end of the day there was a ceremony in the Gymatorium. 'Mom and Dad' were there, being honored for taking in yet another new orphan.

Then all us ‘kids’ had to walk home. When we all got to the corner gas station, we were cut off by this sports car convertible speeding in. This Red-Neck of a black woman, and her Red-Neck of a white man, began to spray themselves off with the power hose. In all the chaos of them yelling at each other, not angry yelling, just yelling; we discovered they’d gotten a notice from the school district that said everyone should be clean for an upcoming event. She also made it known it’d been a while saying "It’s been two months for me" and she was surprised he’d not had one in the mean time. I figure it was because dirt would show more on his pasty white skin, verses her dark complexion. She hosed him off in the car, he fell over the seats, but she also got water all over the convenience stores floor, it was an open air market set up. And then my brother woke me up.

Hollow Mood

2010-08-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

It seems that lately I am hopelessly depressed. I can be in a good mood; but that mood is hollow. One thing taken the wrong(or right) way can completely shatter it, and I'm slung back into a hopeless vortex of nothingness. It's not fun. I'm not too excited about it. I also don't know why it is; nor how to change it. I can do the whole: pretend to be happy and you'll be happy thing. But that is the easily shattered rouse that I've been attempting lately. It is not happening. I know that happiness is a choice. and I want to be happy. Maybe it's clinical. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe there really is no hope.

Another Empire's Fall

2010-08-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

In the late 21st century; The United States Empire began to waver. It had reached a height in immorality comparable to no other. Not even Rome in its day held a candle to it. The country had become so self centered they did not notice that they had outsourced themselves out of work. The poor of the country welcomed all the foreign products unknowingly. They were happy for the ‘lower prices’ that until they themselves lost their jobs to those other countries, they savored the junk. Eventually the only jobs open to Americans who were not born to opportunity; were retail, food services and entertainment. But even entertainment was leaning more towards the new blue blood. There was of course still White Collar Americans who were caught up in their own plights of what the next thing the Jones’ would acquire. The rich got richer, the poor got poorer, and the media corrupted all. Soon enough; poverty was so rampant in some areas that violence and theft reigned supreme; it was like a riot every night. Without the income of the lower classes though, the upper classes were starting to feel it. They had no way to fight it. China would not give back what they had received, and America had no means to recreate what they had given away so willingly. Slowly but surely; the economy fell. There was a state of panic in the people. All the people. The Government made rash decisions and one president blamed the previous president for each downfall that occurred during his term, and then made their own terrible decisions. Each of them preached hope and a uniting of their nation to equality. Before long the people realized that the only equality left for them was to all be equally unfed and poor. So each class rose up individually against the government. There was modern warfare on the streets.

When it was clear to the rest of the world that America was no longer the so called strongest nation; China stepped in with Russia on their heels and calmly reclaimed that throne. In all the confusion the transition was seamless. But was not long lived. Soon, with treaty after treaty, and the help of the media; China lost control of their power. Russia had main control, but each country now had a more equal control in this new world of theirs. Some countries started uniting with others in attempt to tip the balance in their favor. That is where our story begins.

Like a Tramp

2010-07-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

Virgin: 5. any person who is uninitiated, uninformed, or the like. 12. first. 15. without experience of; not previously exposed to.

According to this: I am still a virgin in many more things than I would have thought.

I am Virgin to skydiving, and flying an airplane. I am virgin to a loving relationship, where I love, and that love is reciprocated. I have virgin eyes; in that I've never watched pornography, nor set foot in an adult store. I am still virgin in regards to most of the products we sell at my work. I am virgin to becoming a rock star; for lack of knowledge. I am virgin to a sorority. I am virgin to car payments. I am virgin to waking up in a strangers bed, not knowing the events of the previous night. I am a virgin of being a published author. I am a virgin homeowner. I am a virgin company owner.

What I am saying; Virgin is not a dirty word. Just like those old commercials said. But I do believe they were only referring to one context.

In Person-

2010-07-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

"I shared my Fecking bed with you!" She always tried to lighten the mood when she was furious, while still spouting her anger. It didn’t work very well. All I could do was stare at her expressionless. Tears began to brim in her eyes. I felt nothing. When she continued; her voice shook. "I gave you all I had, and more than I ever thought I would." She paused again, seemingly to collect her thoughts, looking away. "I let you in. I don’t let anyone in. But I believed the promises you told." She glared into my eyes for a moment before letting out an exasperated sigh. "I can’t believe I was so foolish." She waved her arms about, like I was unable to fathom what she was saying. "Of course this would happen. All boys lie." The tears had begun to stream down her face. I could only look at her, now with a slightly pained expression.

"I never meant to hurt you." I said firmly, but quietly.
"Yeah." She rolled her eyes at me. "And I suppose you never meant for us to fornicate either."

"I didn’t." I could feel the anger rising in me as she reacted. I clenched my teeth to keep from yelling at her stupidity.

"Right." She folded her arms across her chest and looked through me.
Through my clenched teeth, trying to sound calm: "I thought it would work. But it won’t." I said enunciating each word. She focused for a second casting an evil glare at me, then averting her eyes again. "I am truly sorry for hurting you. But I feel I am doing the right thing." I was starting to feel the pain I had buried before coming here and confronting her. She turned from me.

"Whatever." She said meekly. "Just go. Go be happy. Be happy with someone else." I could see she was no longer open to discussion, and I had said my piece. I’d told her my heart wasn’t in it. It was not my problem she didn’t want to believe it. I truly had never meant to use her.

As I walked past her I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks and a part of me wanted to console her. As I shut the door behind me I could hear her break down and cry. But I could not turn back. The damage was done.

The only Lie told was; OK

2010-07-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

Tip toeing around carefully worded phrases

Letting not a single word slip

God forbid the truth is told

Giving only that which is expected

Taking nothing back

Fearing the inevitable

Posing for the pictures

Living out the answers

Responding to the halves that sound easy

I lose myself in this.

Now no one knows me

Not one lie was told

Save where we decided I was fine

I am that Talented of a Liar

2010-07-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

I know this may come as a shock to you. But I have, for some time now, known that I didn't want to be just friends. But, I wanted to keep you close, and happy. So I said OK. The distance between us was a perfect camouflage for the turmoil I felt at it. But when we're so far apart; If I don't think about it, perhaps it's not real. It is not your fault that the words you type rip my heart out. You could not have known my reactions in our discussions, because text is faceless, and I'm a good liar. I chose to not say the truth at the advice of others, and that is something that I regret. Maybe one day we could be friends. Or if I hadn't let you so far in. Though, that's something else you could not know. Maybe one day I'll find direction and I'll mend fully. I thought I had. The tears were a surprise even to me. So I'm not searching anymore. I'm not planning. I'm not plotting, and I'm not thinking. Love is a strong word. But it was at the tip of my tongue. Now it's drowning in a pit somewhere. There it will remain until someone comes along and helps me rescue it. Could be next month, could be years from now. I don't want to mislead anyone anymore. Not even me.

Easton and the Dragon

2010-07-21T01:27:00.000-07:00

This is the newest scene from Raising an Overlord (WT):

"You can not defeat us young one. You are too weak." The dragon lord spat, and smiled his scaly smile. Hi forked tongue licked the air as he hissed his evil laugh.

The boy, who was meant to be king, held his sword aloft at these words. "I will surly defeat you. It was written in my destiny. Die coward!" Easton jumped from his rally point yelling at the monster. He darted over the ruble at his feet and jumped over his fallen comrades, charging at the weakest point of the beast’s chest.

He was too quick for the dragon, which slashed at him with his great tail. He rolled just shy of a deadly blow, and leaped onto the dragons back. He began to scale him, and climbed up until he was even with his heart. As he delivered the final blow to his foe he screamed; "Die winged beast of death! I rule you!"

Hamaliel worked in the garden not far off listening to the boy play. He looked up and saw him scaling a half fallen tree trunk in time to see him stab it with a long stick he’d been using as a sword. The older man laughed to himself at the boy’s game, and his use of imagination, and went back to the weeds before him.

His head jerked up as he heard a large crash and scream from where the boy just was. Within seconds Hamaliel was on his feet rushing to the boy’s side. The tree had continued it descent under the weight and blows of the child. It had crumbled beneath him. When Hamaliel arrived at his side; Easton’s leg was twisted at an angle that did not look unnatural but rather painful. He had stopped his screaming, and had subsided into shallow sobs. "Easton my boy, Give me your arm." He instructed. "You’ll be alright." Taking the boy into his arms he carried him back to the house. "We’ll just get you cleaned up and have your mother here, right quick. Don’t you worry. It’ll be alright." Tears continued to flow from the now silent boy’s eyes as he was doted upon.

Everything would be alright. Everything had to be alright. It must.

Rejecting the Rejection that Rejects

2010-07-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

Rejection stings. I don't know how I know it's rejection, and I may not. It may just be an assumption. But it feels like rejection. When you put your ideas, your creativity, your self; on the line and get no feedback. That is like rejection. You feel that you've been deemed unworthy of even a response. I think a flat no would be better... no, it wouldn't. I want a reason I am not good enough. Why my ideas are terrible. What is wrong with my creativity. If I don't know what's wrong; and obviously I don't; I keep getting 'rejected,' Then I can't fix the problem.

I hate the feeling when I don't have the answers. When I don't have the slightest idea of how to start working towards rectifying a situation. When I don't have the means or knowledge to solve a problem. Eventually I branch out in ideas and try something. But then I'm rejected and I lose the will to try again. Because I don't like it. Can't someone just come back with an "I'm sorry, but that is a terrible idea. This is what WE can do to make it better." Would that be too hard? I supposed yes. Because it's not only my idea that's been shunned it's me.

Why is the best friend heart always broken?

2010-07-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

A good friend is someone who'll drive you to work everyday because your car won't start.

A good friend will also drive you back home and then to work again because you forgot your keys without getting mad.

A good friend will stay up with you till all hours on the couch, watching movies because you don't want to drive all the way home.

A good friend will remove the creepy dolls from the spare bedroom before you crash there.

A good friend will take you out the night before your last day of work because they can see you're upset.

A good friend will let you rant and rave and not make a point.

A good friend lets you drink too much and then yell into a karaoke mic, a song you barely know.

A good friend lets you yell at the TV when the players on it upset you.

A good friend will wake up and take you to breakfast when you just show up early in the morning.

A good friend will feel up wine labels with you in the supermarket.

A good friend will drive with you an hour out of the way just so you can eat good food.

A good friend will give you a third of their birthday cake because the amount of sugar in your body is more entertaining then eating it themselves.

A good friend visits you.

A good friend texts you randomly.

A good friend cares.

A good friend is someone you can be 100% yourself around.

I'm Not Cranky; I Was Born This Way

2010-07-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

So I thought I was cranky because I hadn't eaten. It helped a little; these 2 pieces of french toast, but not entirely. I don't want to be cranky, but I can't seem to stop. Maybe it's the fact that We didn't get home until almost 2 am, and then the loudness of my families departure woke me up at 5. Maybe it has something to do with the sunburn I acquired while trying to kill time being by myself for the better part of the day yesterday. Maybe it is fueled by the rage of the road and having to drive for almost 5 hours total yesterday, and my passengers not knowing where to go. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my family is gone again, leaving me alone to clean up the gawd-awful mess they left in the kitchen. Perhaps it has something to do with being looked at like you're unwanted and/or crazy for a few hours straight. Maybe it involves the not knowing what is going on in the heads of people you care about. Maybe it's wanting something/one that doesn't want you. Maybe it's feeling completely forgotten. Maybe it has something to do with the immense heat from the past few days. On the other hand; I could just need to eat more.

More to do with Rheana Nymph

2010-07-14T01:34:00.000-07:00

As we get further into the story; my characters have to interact with other peoples characters. So I've also included those interactions...

After walking in silence for quite some time, Narkissos became curious as to the direction they were traveling. Before he could say anything, Rheana read his thoughts.
"No I’m not kidnapping you. Firstly you came of your own free will." She said as she jumped a fence. "Secondly; you are free to leave whenever you like."

"Then tell me where it is we are going please. I do not read minds like you, but I do know that Perth is that way." He said pointing north of them.
She laughed at him. "You are wise my friend, This is not the way to Perth."
"But you still have not told me where we are heading, nor why we head on foot."
She gasped as him and rolled her eyes. "We head whichever way my fancy takes me. I do not feel the need to have man made transportation take me, because I am in no hurry to be anywhere, I am truly free." She put her arms out and began to dance and run in the moonlight. Then she fell and lay staring up at the stars. "I can walk where I want, I can rest when I want, and can be whatever I want. I am part of earth, and she part of me." She leaned up on her elbows and looked at Narkissos looking at her. "You should know this. You are part of each other too. But not as much a part as I." She smiled at him wryly and laid back down. "Come watch the sky with me and watch as the earth does what she does best."
He made his way over to her carefully, watching her breath. Then he knelt down at her head. When she looked at him he asked: "And what is it that you think the earth does best?"
She smiled a devious smile at him upside down. "Why, she merely exists."
He smiled back at her words then lay with their heads next to one another. He listened to her breathing still as she soon fell asleep.

When Rheana awoke the following morning, the sun had just begun to rise. Narkissos was watching her from a few feet off. She stretched then sat up, then she yawned deeply.
"I see deep sleep still reverts you to your true form." Narkissos said to her. She cast a glare his way. "Still as bright and cheery in the mornings as ever." He laughed. She continued to glare.
Narkissos got up from where he sat and walked over to her. "Shall we?" he asked extending his hand to her, which she took begrudgingly and stood up. They started to walk again as they had the night before, in silence as the sun rose. As they continued on Rheana began to transform herself into a different redhead from the night before. Though Narkissos loved her true form, he agreed that it might cause a stir as they drew closer to civilization. But did not say as much, she already had read his thoughts.

Long before midday, when there was still a fog, the two arrived at Loch Leven. "have friends here?" Narkissos asked her playfully. She smirked and laughed shortly. "As a matter of fact I do dear Narky." And she began to wade into the water. He watched her and as about to speak. "No Narky, I will not strip for you. The clothes I wear are as much of an illusion as the current color of my hair." He laughed. "We are here because I made a deal with Nessy many many years ago. I’d be the mysterious woman to throw off the truth of her whenever I’m in the area. I’m sure you’ve heard the legends about it." She said. As she turned back away from him, she transformed into a blonde beauty bathing in the waters. He watched as she waded around the foggy lake, smiling to himself.

They stayed at the lake until the fog began to lift, and continued on their way. Traveling in a southward direction because Rheana could hear Narkissos’ thoughts continually reverting back to London, she asked him when they were crossing water; "What is it that’s so important in London?" He looked at her quizzically then dropped his head. "You do keep thinking about it, why else do you think I’m heading south?"
"Do you remember Volta at all?"

"That silly old man? How could I ever forget him?"
"Well, he’s in London, I’d been meaning to go and see him." She raised her eyebrows at him, willing him to continue. "The war is drawing close Rheana, you cannot be ignorant of that."
She laughed at him. "I am not ignorant of it. I welcome it. It has been far too long since there was trouble caused enough that would hold as entertainment."

"You want this war?"
"I want to be entertained." She smiled and he sighed. Then both continued without speaking again.

After several stops and forms of transportation, The two arrived on the outskirts of London in the early morning of the next day. "perhaps we should find lodging for the evening. Or for the little amount of evening that is left." Rheana said. "I really need to sleep. That little bit on your shoulder of the last train was not restful at all."

"Of course it was, you even drooled a bit." He laughed back at her, leaning in and holding her chin. She glared at him. "Very well, I have a flat not far from here. I am sure you remember." He said straightening up. "if you’ll follow me, I think we can go the rest of the way on foot" unless you’d rather I carried you?" he smiled as she stomped off ahead of him again.

"What bloody way do I go?" she said when he stopped on a corner and she continued on. He nodded his head and started down the correct long street.

Once they were inside, she went straight to his bed and crashed. "don’t wake me, and don’t think about it... you get the couch." She was out by the time she hit the pillow.

"of course my love", he said to the door as he shut it for her.

Narkissos’ ears perked up all of a sudden. Then he smiled wryly. And thought to himself "Seems my dear friend Volta has come to pay me a visit." He went and opened the door quietly, so to not wake Rheana, even though only a change in the earth could wake her. He stood waiting with the door open, waiting for His father’s friend to appear at his stoop.

Volta Parked the Vanquish in plane sight of Nark as he got out in his Human form. It was almost dawn so he had to go back his human form. He changed Bane into his credit card form and Life and Death into there Drivers license and MI6 badge form. He then walked up to the Door and said "Long time so see. And What ever you do don't try and steal my car this time."

Narkissos laughed out loud at Voltas comment, remembering clearly the incident that he was referring to. "I believe it was an emergency and I did return the pieces. But seeing as you are my guest, I will do what I can to control the urge. Please come in. to what do I owe this visit?"

Volta walked in and said "Pieces yes but I rather liked that car. It was my 69 sting ray correct?. Anyway i am here to ask you to come and help. The war is less then Twenty-Nine days away now. I know Rehana won't help but i figured you might. You know i have unlimited resources. You also know trying to read my mind is useless." Volta felt him press against the outer ridges of his mind. But not past his mental walls.

"You are correct. And it was a beauty, until it slipped on the ice and careened into that wall. But I did accomplish my mission in record time." He said as he smiled. "You may be wrong about her. She is interested in the war. It is a game to her to cause trouble. You know this though. If you word an offer correctly, she may be willing to help. Yes I do know. I have all but given up trying to read minds. If you feel you mind is being read, perhaps our dear Rheana is no longer sleeping." He went and peeked in on her. She looked like she was sleeping, but she was still in her redheaded form. "It’s no use pretending to sleep now. Come, Volta is here." She growled at him as she rolled onto her back refusing to open her eyes. "fine, I’ll come out."

Volta had a smug grin as Rheana came out and Nark was still standing there. Volta then Said "Long time so see Rheana. You look well or your current form does." Volta Grinned as he muttered something under his breath out of anyone's hearing range. It was a spell that cause Rheana to go to her ture form. Volta Grinned as Nark saw it.

Rheana fought to control her rage as she transformed back to her real self. With an indignant smirk she said to him: "More parlor tricks to amuse the masses no doubt. Tell me how has it been with no one so great to pick on?"

Narkissos’ face flushed, as much as a half vampires face can flush, when he saw Rheana in her true form for the second time in 24 hours. He loved her as she was, but was not used to seeing her this way in front of others.

He then moved to interrupt their discord before a fight erupted. "Please Volta, tell us what it is that has brought you here to ask us for our help."

Volta Smirked clearly unphased by by Rheana's true form. Volta then corrected Nark "Not help. I came seeking a alliance. Help would imply everything depended solely on you and that it does not. But your alliance would be a great help. Rheana i am sorry. But i figured that you keep it hidden form Nark and now see that you don't. Anyway i came by to give you an offer which it is up to you. Here is the location to my base, the choice is yours." Volta walked up and got in his car and speed off back to the base.

Both Rheana and Narkissos stood in his wake for a long time not moving. Narkissos then looked at the directions he held in his hand and was about to speak. But Rheana interrupted him. "No, I don’t think he meant to speak with me at all, but I do like that you thought it was a good idea to attempt to enlist me." She walked back towards to the bedroom. "And yes, he does know how much you like me, but then again; it doesn’t take a mind reader to figure that out." She said smiling at him.
"Will you ally though?" he asked her.
"I will sleep on it. Now; I’m far past tired. You still get the couch." She said closing the door on him.

Onto Matters A'Foot

2010-07-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

It's not the depression itself that hurts, it the emotions that come with the train of thought that cause pain. Forgive me for starting off topic, but as I've stated before; this is how my train of thought goes.

I don't know why I keep trying to think of a way to get back to someone/thing that is trying to move on without me. Nothing in it is logical or probable. And yet I am logically thinking about the most probable way to accomplish it. It's not that life is unhappy or whatnot the way that it is, nor was it better, or will it be better if I were to accomplish what I want. Maybe it will be... but that remains to be seen.

I keep playing scenes in my head of what will happen if I were to do one thing or another. and I know that these scenes will never play out, even if I did do that which in my thoughts made it happen. I realize that I am full of wishful thinking. and that wishful thinking has left me feeling used. And feeling used in one thing, makes me think of all the things I feel used in. Which in turn, makes me slightly depressed. And with depression come the unfounded feelings of being unwanted. But these are all biased. and determinate upon a single character. When the whole crashes, the single entities strengths and play are completely blown out of proportion and I fall deeper. Therefore: I've not been trying to move on. I don't want to fall deeper into myself. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into something with all of this babble.

One day I'll figure out the truth. One day I'll think of myself as truly happy. One day I'll be someone better than me.

Planning a Plan that Plans my Day

2010-07-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

I keep contemplating a new plan. But I can't act on it because there are too many unknown factors, and those unknown factors are key to it becoming a success.

Wow, I really thought I had more to say than that on this when I started.

Oh well. I'll think of something else... Got something;

Recently, I have been considering reverting back to what I was doing the only time I've ever lost weight. (and I'm not talking about having an appendectomy) I am talking about the few months that my home was the floor at my aunt's house. I ran when I could, I worked, I went dancing twice a week, and I hung out with my besty. Also during this time, I ate no grease, nor did I drink soda (unless we went to breakfast at Hardees or something, otherwise). It's not like I do eat or drink what's bad for me now, it's just more-so than then. I mostly ate muffins, I walked everywhere, at lunch I'd have a sandwich, and fruit. I drank water. I still do these things, except there's no where to walk to. And in the stress of life, I eat where I'm taken. I did that there too. But it's more often here.

I think what I'm attempting to say is: I am going to eat muffins and fruit again. Only as often as I did. and I am going to try and find someplace to walk to in this Gawdawful heat. And maybe I'll start running again. Maybe I'll change my whole schedule around so I won't have to be awake during the hottest part of the day in my room.

The problem with that is; I don't know where to get muffins, I have nowhere to walk to, and I have no friends to hang out with or dance with.

Mediocre Means of Being Average

2010-07-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

I need a new plan. I had an old plan, but there were other players in that plan that pulled out. And I haven't come up with a new plan since then, because, I'm a girl and I like to live in this place called denial.

Perhaps my new plan will me to work my life away being mediocre in Southern California. Or maybe I'll work enough at being mediocre to get back to a life that I'm not sure will be still waiting for me. I know it's not waiting for me now, but I still hope.

Truth is; I don't know how to be more than mediocre. So I may be destined to always be mediocre. I'm just okay at most things. Those who are worse than me think I'm good. I'm just mediocre. I excel at nothing. I don't make friends easily. I am friendly with everyone, but I'm that friendly person that is forgotten. But we have been over this before. I am mediocre, average, forgettable.

In other news, besides my mediocreness... I also make mistackes. Yes, mediocre mistakes, but they have come to haunt me. Oh, maybe not haunt, but I think about them. But then again; before commiting these mistakes, I knew they were the type of thing that sticks with you. I'd heard stories.

I HATE BEING MEDIOCRE. I HATE BEING FORGOTTEN. I immensely dislike that I'm not exceptional at anything, or to anyone.

That's enough emotional out-bursting for one night.

Rheana Nymph

2010-07-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

So; my online friends have talked me into participating with some of their RolePlays. This one; since my character was in Scotland alone; I've written it like a story thus far: Enjoy:

Masquerading as a Redheaded twenty something, Rheana was currently trolling the pubs in Falkland, Scotland, looking to cause trouble.

As a troublesome Nymph she enjoyed playing the part of a not so local looker for these primitive folk in the local pubs. Yes, it was small trouble when it started, but she knew it could well get out of hand. It was true that this small city had come to be known the first conservative city in Scotland, but before that it was known for some violence. Rheana was sure she could find that violence in the people again, even if it meant taking down their tourism.

Rheana ducked into the Lomond Tavern and scanned the room for an empty seat. She saw an empty table butted up against another, filled with 2 gents and their dates. She smiled and made her way over to her newest victims.

She could feel every pair of male's eyes on her as she took her seat. Rheana of course was used to, and expected this. She had perfected the walk that attracted the attention. She maneuvered her body in a way, so as to draw attention, but not be obvious about it. She placed herself in the seat against the wall with her profile turned so both men at the table next to her could ogle her curves just right.

When the waitress stepped over she gave her most award winning smile, and let local the accent seep in her voice. "Aye, Aam passin' ben tonecht, takin' in mah bonnie coontry. coods ye teel me whaur Ah micht fin' lodgin' aroond haur?" She could hear all the thoughts in the room taking in what she'd said, and grinned when she was given directions to the next street over. then the waitress asked what she'd have. "Teel me; whit is yer hoose speacialty? i'll hae 'at.." As she waited for the lady to return with her drink, she focused in on the most lustful thoughts in the room. Not surprising to Rheana, they came from one of the gents next to her.

At the table next to her, the ladies stepped off to the bathroom. In their absence, to two gents began to speak lowly to eachother, either not knowing Rheana could hear them or not caring.
"Swatch at th' body oan 'at lassie. she's ripe fur th' pickin'.""Dae ye hink she'd pull th' auld radge?" The two continued on in this manner. Rheana called out to the waitress, playing the part of a little too drunk. "Hey! Can ye top me aff?"

"Hink she's hud enaw tae please me yit?" They laughed with eachother."Guid day quine, fancy a winch?" The taller one called over to her.
She turned then with a smile. "Ur a body ay ye braw gentlemen addressin' me?"

"Aye."

"Whit is it ye woods loch?" She said turning to them, leaning over just right.

"Ye dornt happen tae fancy a roll wi' me?"
"Sae blunt, an' strang, jist hoo Ah loch them. but whit woods yer lassie say?" She toyed with him. The discord went on for quite some time. She smiled evily when she saw the girls return, and heard the outrage that was in their heads. This is when she leaned in and Kissed the man. The hoots and hollers started, and he kissed her back. All head were turning in their direction. Until Rheana determined it was time for them to come up for air and see what damage would become.

"Ye dobber. ur ye cheatin' oan mah sister?" One man called from the other side of the bar. It wasn’t long before a brawl broke out and She was able to step back and watch it all.

After a long while she became bored with the debacle and found her way outside. In the alley way she though out loud. "That was far too easy... and rather dull."

After a few streets into her stroll away from the pub, Rheana sensed a presence behind her. She could feel someone walking along behind her. She assumed it was the lad from the pub, and started working out a sub-plot. She waited until he was close enough, and pretended to trip on the cobblestone. But before she could hit the ground and fake helplessness; she was caught from behind. The arms which caught her were eerily familiar and warm. But she could not place their owner.

"You’re not that clumsy my dear. And you’ve a higher tolerance for alcohol than even I."
At his words, Rheana knew it was Narkissos, and began to scowl. "My, your aura is dark this evening. Who exactly are you pretending to be?" Rheana pried herself free of his grasp and spun on him.

"What do you mean I’m dark Narky? And I’m just out for a stroll. Stopped in for a pint on my way to Perth."
He only smiled at her words.

"How long have you been following me and what do you want?" Rheana asked. She had already got it in her head to have the closest branch smack him from behind.

"I don’t know what you mean. But I would advise against that, put the branch down Rheana, I mean you no harm and you know that." She growled as she lowered the branch. "I was just thinking that since I was traveling from Buckhaven as well, we could go together."

"Very well. But I’m warning you" don’t get in the way of my dastardly plans." He put his hands up in surrender. Then followed her as she stomped off.

FACELess Ladies; a dialogue. -

2010-07-06T01:14:00.000-07:00

"Oh my gosh, I thought she’d never leave."

"Oh I know, it took forever."

"I would have said something, but I didn’t want to seem rude."

"Me either. She’s just so eeh."

"Exactly. Her presence just irks me sometimes."

"I know what you mean."

"We should really do something about her coming back."

"Yes, no one wants her here. Do they?"

"Well, I certainly don’t. Do you?"

"Of course not. Why should I want her here? I just try to be nice to her when she is here."

"You are too kind."

"I know. But I do what I can."

"I just wish there was a way to block her from coming back here, without saying it directly to her."

"Why can’t we say it directly to her? I would, but I don’t want to be the only one saying it."

"Oh, I’d back you up, 100%."

"Really?"

"Really. If you tell her, I’ll stand with you on it."

"Ok then. If you’ll stand with me. Next time she comes in, I’ll tell her we don’t want her anymore."

"You’ve got a deal."

"Deal."

"What are you going to say?"

"I’ll just say: I’m sorry, but you are not welcome here anymore. And leave it at that."

"Ooooh, that’s cold. But good."

"You think it’s too cold?"

"No, just cold enough, or else she might not get it, and try hanging around."

"We can’t have that. So I’ll be cold enough."

"Oh, oh, here she comes. You’re on."

"Hello ladies, I just came back for my jacket."

"Um, she has something to say to you. Go on."

"What? Um, I... I just wanted to say I liked your haircut."

"Thank you. That’s nice of you to notice."

"You’re welcome."

"What, what about?"

"Well, I will see you two later. I have to go now. Bye."

"Bye."

"Later... Why didn’t you say it?"

"I kinda just froze."

"Uugh! She’s just going to come back whenever now."

"I’m sorry. I just couldn’t be that cold. You do it next time."

"Fine. I’ll do it. Which way did she go?"

"What? Now?"

"Yes now. I can’t stand that little twerp."

Driving Complications

2010-07-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

The day had been long, and the three passengers traveling in the red car speeding along in the carpool lane were more than weary. In the back rode Christof, a boy of 20 with no track in life but the whims that he was feeling. And today, he was not feeling his on-again-off-again girlfriend as a need. He had just finished relating to his companions his eagerness to be rid of the shrew.

Isaiah, in the passenger’s seat, remained silent, though he couldn’t agree more. He had been against any union between the two since the first time. However, being Christof’s junior by 2 years, he could not bring him to see reason, and rid himself of her permanently.

The two of them seemed a grim pair, each minding themselves, staring blankly out of their own windows. And thought the day had been long and weary, though she despised the wretch that was her brother Isaiah’s friend’s girlfriend. Elizabeth had a slight smirk emerging onto her face as they drove on. She watched the lines of the road as the oncoming traffic blinded her in the windscreen. That sadistic smile grew unknowingly to the others, as she contemplated what it would be like to careen the vehicle into the center dividing wall of the interstate they traveled.

Tears of a Beached Whale

2010-06-29T02:16:00.000-07:00

It's so strange feeling this way. Not that the feeling is strange. Or why I do. It is more strange because of it's origin.

I know that people are insensitive in general. I also know that online is not the same as real life. I know that people do not always pay attention. I realize that not everyone has the same moral capacities for being 'nice' that I have.

It is more in the fact of what had just been said. Followed directly by opinions. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I understand that people like what they like. But do they have to consider what they don't like as wrong? I am what I am, and I can't change it. The things that I should be able to take control of physically do not change regardless. I have killed myself trying. I continue to. I refrain from what I should refrain from, but I am still no less than I am.

I also understand that everyone's frame of reference is different. But when some peoples are voiced so convictedly from their own mouths... I feel like I am less in mine than I should be. I hate that.

I can only be who I am. I don't want to feel put down due to it.

I am Van, around one hundred and seventy to one hundred and eighty pounds since the end of eighth grade. I am at least a double D.

Raising an Overlord

2010-06-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

My original intents were only to keep the child away from his father. But it transformed into something so much more. As time went by; I knew it would be impossible to share his existence with anyone from the court, and so I kept him to myself. (rule #46 Never trust anyone fully.) I named him, I trained him, I created what he is becoming… and it is magnificent. But I digress.

The boys father is a powerful man, radiant with energy the makings of a true villain. He could have made it. He even wrote the book on how it could be done. But his damned pride keeps him from achieving ultimate greatness. He is loved by all; a ladies man, a Man’s man, a beautiful creature of fortitude. But as I must impart to you now; all of his intentions lead to evil. And a corrupted evil of that sort does not make the best ruler. So I keep his child secret. I let the court believe I had miscarried, and I could no longer bear children. My reasoning for this being twofold; one: so that they would believe the child dead, and two: to make it so I would go untouched. (on some levels, I do regret thwarting the touch of a great man. But that was a pleasure I have to deny myself, for the good of our son.)

I see in his son; a greatness that even Xereaux could never accomplish. Not even in his most sadistic dreams. My son is Easton, and he will grow up to be the greatest overlord the world has ever seen.

World of Gray Working Title

2010-06-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

So I'm working on another dream I had...

In a world of gray and no major emotions, where children are taught everything in the form of a drab comic style book; there is an interesting phenomena occurring.

...

I’m not sure whose idea it was in the first place, though I’m sure all intentions were pure. But we’ve converted to studying the children. On our quest to further our knowledge we’ve hit a road block, and wish to know what; if anything; a child, uninhibited, un-brainwashed by a society without media will come to think of when they learn, what is their main goal? What do they take from it? Needless to say; the ideals of their parents have a tendency to show through. Things which the child could sparsely know of, but to be told by a parent, for the knowledge of that if far gone, have come out; baseballs and aprons in hues of pink. Our research has truly proved remarkable. The imagination is a wonderful thing, even when it’s controlled.

There are few cases however that are cause for noteworthy concern. Not because they’re unproductive, but rather: because they are. For instance; there is the case of two boys, who for some reason in our world of equal-ness and control, do not get along. They never have. Today during their monitored learning; coming down the belt, the one boy had a snide smirk upon his face. And he looked down at us with an unearned look of superiority (this was puzzling in and of itself). His session in the Bauble took surprisingly less time than the other children’s normally do, and when he came out for his scan, it showed only a picture of a gray earth. The other boy in question, though neutral on his journey down the belt, seemed rather resigned. His time in the Bauble took quite a time longer than his peers. His scan too, was odd. It turned on as black and after a few frames began to static. In the beginning, watching the learners attempt to fix the static, which they’d never encountered before, was highly entertaining. But it was also alarming. In this world; static does not exist. What could this mean? What was this boy leaning? What was in those books? Who was shaping their minds?

I am Dr. Louisa Parnnasis, Head Children’s Learning Researcher at the Institute of Collective Knowledge. And I am frightened. …

Faceless texting makes me you

2010-06-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

I do not understand this phenomena that is 'finding' 'love'. How is one supposed to get to know someone else when either one or both parties have predetermined expectations of what themselves or the other is supposed to be. And of course; then there's the whole new idea of internet dating. Which in and of itself lends itself to being the creation of such falsities. It's all become so faceless. I do not know who I ought to be anymore. I do try with all that I am to be who I am more than anything. But even that is twisted. You are expected to be someone so you give in to the inquiries that require you to be that. But that is not truly who you are to begin with. Most of my 'getting to know you' personality; is based upon gauging the other persons reactions, and being myself. Which includes gestures and other non verbal communication. Because I am not merely words. If I were; I would be drab and boring beyond all reason. and who then; would want to want me. Or I would come across as what I am expected to be, which then I would be only like what else they've encountered, and not myself, which in turn would make for a rude awakening once they actually met me. In other words. I do not want to be expected to be something I am not, and then chided for not truly being that which I was expected to be. That would be pure hypocrisy.

Who is Framed in Happy Ever After?

2010-06-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

I think I should forewarn you: this is going to be a bit scattered.

I'm not sure why, but I've only wanted to watch the same movie over and over agian for the last while. It's not even a movie I particularly care for. In fact; once upon a time, I hated it. But that has not stopped me from watching it 4+ times in the past few weeks.

Maybe it has something to do with my emotional well being, and it's current state. My ego as well. It has had a few kicks of late, and those kicks have proven very detrimental. Once again I have been placed on a rather high pedestal. I don't know how I manage these things. I do not attempt to get into these things. I cannot even live up to the expectations of this post. I don't like continually falling from that height. There is too much riding on other people expectations of me.

I do not understand how I can be more than what I am. I am what I am, and do not pretend to be more than that. How is it that people come up with these ideas about what my disposition is or will be?

I need a job. I also require a new company name. RunningMan Industries has proved quite confusing to the 'masses' and therefore now needs to be changed.

I think I'm still lost for two persons of the same magnitude and neither one is the same in regard in return. I don't even think there's room or way to move on from here anymore.

That settles it; I've ruined me. Good night all.

Talking to Stargazers

2010-05-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

cir·cum·stance - noun

1.a condition, detail, part, or attribute, with respect to time, place, manner,agent, etc., that accompanies, determines, or modifies a fact or event; a modifying or influencing factor: Do not judge his behavior without considering every circumstance.

The circumstances of life define who we are, and what we become. Not definitively. We do need to use circumstances to our benefit. However; if we do not have to opportunity for some circumstances, we have no way to grow from the experiences that they create. If I had been afforded other leisure's in life, the circumstances of my existence would have changed, and therefore would have changed me.

For instance, if i would never had met Rocky, I would not have had some of the life experiences that I have experienced with him. If the circumstances had changed. Say; I wasn't proficient in Microsoft office, so I hadn't tested out of it, I would have been on time to class, and would not have been seated next to him.I would have been early, and knowing me, I would have seated myself somewhere nearer to the center of the room. A neutral position. Or If I had not been walking through the hall in HS that day, like I wasn't supposed to be. I never would have found the postcard to inquire about the school. Suppose I had had friends in HS and hadn't needed to find someplace solitary to be alone during lunch time? I would still possibly not have some of those friends that I made in college. I may have not attended that school. Suppose I'd not had my tooth broken when I was in the 2nd grade, Perhaps my peers would not have made fun of me, and I might have been able to make friends because I wouldn't have looked like a freak. Suppose I'd never moved out of Barstow to Wisconsin. Suppose I'd never fallen out of the car and had to go to the hospital? Suppose that lady at the campground had never bought me a pair of $100 shoes. What if I'd tried harder at some things? What if I'd been more outspoken? What if I'd been a little more confident? What if I hadn't been so insightful? What if I paid attention to the what ifs and continually looked at what I could have done different? Then I wouldn't be who I am. This contemplating the past thing takes on a real snowball effect, and barrels in on itself. It calls for pondering after pondering of what could have been; if only. Which is useless, You can not change the past. You can, however; learn from it. I'm glad I made the decisions I made in life. Some things, in retrospect, I wish didn't have to happen for me to learn, but I don't regret anything. I am grateful for my circumstance. I intend to take each circumstance as a gift and be who I will become.

236 missed times to say what I feel...

2010-05-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

Wow 236 posts. I've gone from topic to topic, and from trend to trend. The last... 3 and a half years(?) have been interesting. I went from no readers to the occasional reader, to an avid reader and back to occasional readers. I don't really have a point yet, but maybe I'll come up with one. I started this when I was 21 years old. I am now 24. I have a few of the same friends. Some of them took a break from me, some of them are friendships in new or different capacities now. I've had a lot of new life experiences since I turned 21 too. Like I went to Berlin, I traveled out of this country on my own. I've been homeless, and lived in Orange County. I've driven a Cadillac and had to donate my car to charity because the transmission went kaput. I have learned things about others. And made discoveries about myself. I've graduated from College. And I've found the type of best friend I've always wanted. I recorded a few songs, and performed a concert. I've been management, and jobless. I've waited tables, and a designer, and a retailer, and an entrepreneur. I've had 'love' and I've lost. I've been heart broken, and been resolute. I've made some art, and taken some classes. I've laughed a lot, and cried a few times. I've spent quality time with family, and suffered great loss. I've changed a lot. But somehow, I feel that I'm the same in many ways. I still fall for the same lines from certain people. I still am naive enough to trust people who aren't trustworthy. I've lost some bitterness, but have gained some new cynicisms, so I feel that they even out. I still feel insignificant at times. I also still feel inadequate at my chosen profession. On the other hand lots of things have changed. Like; I want some different things for my life now. I won't get into that now though... mostly because I don't really know if that is what I want... I'm going to stop now. I've completely lost my train of thought.

If you snear at me, I'll sick my fraidy dog on you.

2010-05-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

First I can't find the cooking oil, so my dinner is drowned in butter instead. And I was told to fend for myself for dinner, so that is what I was doing, and then; She who told me to fend for myself, brings me home half a sandwich. I already make more than enough every time I cook, and still eat it all. And I can't not eat what was brought to me. So I'm over stuffed. I don't usually eat that much anymore. Not to mention, I had a large bagel sandwich for lunch. With all the fixin's. I'm not complaining. I am grateful for the sandwich. It was tasty. And my food was good too... But bleh...

I also couldn't find bed risers, or face paint today. Not too big a loss in the grand scheme of things. But frustrating none the less. I had free time to devote to creativity, and I had no ideas that did not include either one of those items. Mostly the face paint. Granted; I have not used it in quite some time, and we've moved since then, not to mention, I've moved a few times since then. But alas, I still wanted it.

I have also figured out the standard size charts. I don't know if everyone knows this, but some time ago; between my mother's childhood, and mine; They changed American sizes. This confused me a lot with pattern making. My materials were printed prior to the change. Hahaha... I was so confused. Thinking "I don't wear a 16... or a 14." Turns out, a 10 now was a 16 then. And a 10 then, is now a 4. Mom! You weren't Fat! You wore a 4!

So, Now that I have a size chart that makes sense to me, I'm going to start on standard sizes. Yay! I've also come up with some prices for that vintage stuff I can sell, I still need to go through it though. I have to decide what I want to keep. If anything. I still feel that I'm unqualified to work in my degree field, but if I can make this business thing fly, I won't have to. Uber exciting.

I also have to get ready for this party. Which will have more than 2 people! It will Gall-Darn-It! Muahahahahahahaha!

I digress.

La Primera Untitled

2010-05-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

So this is the first poem I've written about/for/because of Soulshoes... funny, it's so short, and not what I would have expected. But these things kinda just come on us suddenly. I've also not been able to title it. There may be more in me to come eventually. I hope it helps with the numbness that lies there. Anywho; Without further adieu:

- -

I'm not sure why the water wells
Behind my eyes it does swell
I see your name and falter some
For all that we cannot become.

30 years of dust sheds light on an idea.

2010-05-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure; I have enough vintage accessories to open up an Etsy shop. One that would then finance a start up RunningMan clothing line. I have so so much costume jewelery, gloves and scarves from Bossie, Aunt Pat, and Aunt Jeanette combined, that I could, if I could bring myself to part with it, sell it as vintage, and make money. I might go through it, and choose my favorite, and those things that I'd actually use, and then sell the rest. That's a good idea if I would ever do it. I also need to decide what I'm going to do about this dress I designed. What sizes should I make? I have enough green material to make several green dresses. After I perfect the pattern I made for my yellow dress, I could then make 'standard' sizes and sell those as RunningMan originals. Ooooh, that sounds good. But which sizes do I make? I have to draw up a pattern for each. I guess I can go by the sizes from the book, but they're European from back in the day. So I could figure it out comparably to what they would be today. But I still need to decide which sizes to make? 4? 6? 10? 14? The sizes in the book are listed as; 8-22. But it also said I'm from an 8 - 16 depending on the measurement. And even then, the book is from back in the day, so it's a different fit. ... hmmmmm... I dunno, I'll figure it out eventually. Sooner would be better than later so that I can purchase the right size zippers. etc. But I do think I will sell some of my vintage/antique stuff here sooner. I've also been told I should sell some of my art as well, and not just have it all over my room for only me to see... but art is so hard to both part with, and price appropriately. More thinking and decisions to make.

Now I'm alone... left in the darkness, setting within.

2010-05-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

This will be the ... millionth Saturday in a row that I've had nothing to do. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But seriously. I do nothing, Ever. I'm not really the sort to invite myself out places, nor am I one to instigate or go alone. I am wary of other people and their plans that they may have already made, and I never assume that people have the time or energy to be spent willy nilly on me. I am not really complaining. I enjoy the alone time. It's just become a humdrum aloneness that leaves me feeling meh. I guess I'm better off being alone. Doing everything alone. There's less to give up that way. And I know what to expect. I don't have to interfere with making plans, and breaking plans if one plan disrupts another plan. I can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, to do whatever is beckoned of me by family or whatever it is that I think I am in need of. Being alone gives way to sounding like I'm very selfish. I don't have to worry about anyone else's schedule. That is until I actually have something to do. Then it's five thousand things at once. And then I can't accommodate all or everyone because I'm out of practice. I think I should have one friend that I do everything with. Oh wait, I had that. But it didn't end well. I'm going to go back to being alone now. Maybe think this out a little bit more, so that it seems a bit more concrete. Merky mehrky meh bleh blah.

You don't have to say you love me just because I have.

2010-05-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

There a lot of things that I want to say allot of the time. But I never seem to say them. I think I don't say them because I'm afraid of what the other person(s) will do in retaliation, or how they will react. If it's not what's expected of me, will I be shunned from them? Then there's the idea of: if they react badly, maybe they're in denial of the truth. Or if I find out I'm wrong, I'll have to apologize. I don't think this is coherent. Maybe it's that there's a part of me that doesn't want to summon disappointment in me, or for others. I don't want to loose what I have, or for circumstances to change for the worse. I think it's funny that some people like about me, one of the things that I fear to do, because I do it. I suppose that I do do it sometimes, and that is where the reputation comes from. But I am only able to do it when I think I know what the outcome will be, and I perceive it to be positive. And of course, I can say whatever I want here, and not worry too much about what I've said, and how it was taken. Until I feel the retribution of someone's feelings getting hurt or what not.

I can give advice, and tell those who ask for it, what is what. I can direct people on the path they should be on when I feel that they won't blame me if it goes wrong, or if I'm sure I'm right. I can help other people with their problems. the problems that for myself I'm afraid to ask about or fix. Because I have those same problems that others have. But I don't take my advice and act on them as I say they should. But then, do I really know what it is that I should be doing. Or am I merely attributing the scenarios as being the same? It must be true that we as people, see in others our greatest faults. Maybe that's why I can be so helpful. I see in others what I would fix of myself.

I really should try to go back to bed. But I couldn't sleep then, that's why I'm up.

Why are true feelings so hard to communicate? Why can't we tell people that their life decisions might be detrimental to their future? I know if people where more honest, I might not have been in some of the predicaments that I've gotten into. But then again, I'm odd, and usually ask for advice where it's not given. I don't want everyone in my life to please me. Yes, I'd like to be pleased some of the time, but what happened to hard knocks? Why can't anyone tell it like it is?

I can't tell it like it is, because I'm not sure of what it is. But I can tell what I perceive. And I can be wrong.

Birthday Wishes Listed For the Clueless

2010-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've decided what I want for my birthday. Besides of course, my always wanting: to spend time with friends. But seeing as I rarely get that, I've come up with a list of stuff type things:

- Cork. I love bulletin boards. Cork by itself lends itself to creativity. But I love bulletin boards. And despite my love for them, I don't have one here.

- Push Pins. To go with the bulletin board, or cork.

- Music. This is always on the list of stuff type things. I always want more.

That's all for the specific things, but I do have a general idea of what I like:

- Sewing stuff. If I'm going to start a clothing line, I can always use more.

- Art stuff. An artist can always use this.

- Gift Cards. If you don't know what to get me. And don't want to spend quality time with me. I'd appreciate some sort of acknowledgment. Mostly I kid.

- Other things I like include: Pirates, Elephants, Learning new stuff, German, Italian, Water crackers, Salsa dancing, Stripes, polka dots, Cowboys, Music, Shelves, and girl stuff I usually don't buy myself.

- Spending time with my friends. (this is year round that I want this, but especially on my birthday)

Despite how it may sound. I am not selfish. I'm just putting this out there. After all; this is my train of thought.

Just another Sad Country Song.

2010-05-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want this. I need you. Need you to own what you want. Own what you choose.

I'm just sitting here, minding my own business. Then I lend a friendly ear. and you break my heart again. The decision is yours. The decision was always yours. Yours to break me in the first place. It's your prerogative to choose what you think is best. But don't make a decision based on what you think will be best for me, without my input. Maybe what I want isn't what you think will be best for me.

But then again. Maybe I need to move on. and let you live in regret.

This is why I stopped listening to Country songs. They're too sad, and speak to me too closely. Have me making up scenarios again. Everything but the part about my heart breaking again, that is.

Quoting Myself for a Pep Talk

2010-05-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

It wasn't as bad as I thought. I wasn't expecting it, but what did happen wasn't all that surprising either. In other words; I knew it was a possibility. I'd dreamt about it recently, and some of the facts of my dream to reality have been the same. Not entirely, or in the same caliber, but similar. But I don't know what to expect now that it's happened. I suppose I should take from what's happened in the past, and use that as guidelines as what to expect. That knowledge won't make it any easier though. And I don't know how long it'll last. Other times have been so variant in lengths, I wouldn't know where to call the medium. I guess I can just take it for what I get now, and be ok when it's done again. After all, wasn't I the one who said: "And to you until the end, I will always be a friend." Yep. That was me. And the end isn't close yet. The end is when I end. I don't plan on that any time soon.

I only utter profanities at your expense.

2010-05-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

Damn It all to Hell! What was that?!

I really had no idea you still had that effect on me. You and your stupid name. You send me into a spasm of tears. Stupid you. Stupid Love. Stupid Name.

Just give me a minute to breathe. We aren't friends, so it doesn't matter. We don't communicate. But now I know where to find you. I know your mother's address. I know your employer. I know your MySpace address. I even know your phone number, it's burned in my brain. But now that I know where to find you always. I don't think I can handle that. It's bad enough that I live this close and have restrained myself from trying to keep the promise of friendship to you that I made. Why?!

I can do this. Just don't think about it anymore. I'll be good.

I think I didn't really react as bad as I typed out. But it was fun over-venting!

Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady

2010-05-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

After some deliberation I've come to this conclusion: I am not always going to be talkative. Some of you are now taken aback I'm sure. "No! Not possible." you say. But it is true. I think that if you are truly comfortable enough with someone, they're a person that you can just BE with. Yes, fun times should also ensue. You should be able to talk and get along, and have oodles to say. But if you can also be comfortable not filling all of the silences together, that's good too.

Plus, I'm a little shy, and I don't always know what to say. Whether it be because I'm feeling intimidated, or I merely just don't know what to say.

Another thing is: I, like most girls, want someone who'll fight for me. Will try to pursue me. So, maybe he's still out there, and just hasn't found me yet. I'm not too worried that it will happen. It's not my timing to decide.

SO; I'm settling for finding good friends for now.

On the other hand: If I'm given enough sugar, or carbohydrates, or caffeine, I will be talkative... but that's just being hyper.

Nothing Profoundly Spoken

2010-05-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

I had something really profound I wanted to say, but I decided that I should not get out of bed again. So I didn't. Now I'm not 100% about what it was.

I don't like stuff. knick knacks make me angry. Not having them. It's the stuff that means nothing that just sits there and takes up space and collects dust. The stuff in the junk drawer that is useless. The stuff that you don't even know you have it until you see it again. The "oh look at this, it's so cool..." stuff that is nothing. That's the stuff I don't like.

When I have children. If one of them turns out crazy... They will not be in charge.
I don't think I'm completely attached to the city anymore. I could really live anywhere. I'm not set on living in any location. Nothing has me tied. I could live in the country, I could live off the grid, I could live in a high-rise. I'm very adaptable. I also don't think I'm tied to having any specific work. I do think I should work for a living, make an earning. I think I could even do well as a stay at home. That doesn't mean that I don't want to do RunningMan Industries. On the contrary; I do. But the origins of it may be different. And the running of it may take a different coarse than I'd originally imagined.

I'm kinda bummed that I've not been able to find work yet. Ok, I'm really bummed. I feel very inadiquate and useless because of it. That's not cool. I've both willing and able to perform any profession I've applied to. I also want to learn more.

I've also not been able to pay my bills since I've had no income. That makes me very nervous, and upset. I really want to pay those that I'm indebted to. But as of right now. That's an impossibility. Which in turn makes it more difficult to find work because it effects my credit score, which employers look at to hire. I seriously need to find some sort of employment.

This really has nothing to do with the profound point I was going to make, but eh.

Adding whole branches to a tree

2010-05-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

The wedding was good. It was fun. And a little strange. We've gotten this whole new family, not just one more member... a whole slew. Good, fun people too. Not pretentious in the slightest. Which makes me think: Why don't I know my own family this well? Is it due to pretense? Is it some sort of deterrent based on a family affiliation? I know I'd like to know them more, even if I don't fit that well. But relationships, are not one way. Both parties need to at least be interested in it. I would like to at least make an attempt though, so that the offer is out there. So I now have to decide: do I go up north to see my mom's new family, whom I already know I get along with, and are fun. Or do I head back to Indy to see my dad's family whom I've 'known' my whole life, but still don't really know... decisions decisions. I also don't have that long to choose. Both take place on Pie's birthday. Poor him. And technically, I could choose either at this point; I still am not working. I have all the time in the world.

Lately I've been spending that time a little more frivolously. Well, just this week. Up until last weekend, I was dealing with family things; funeral, burial, visitors, wedding, etc. But this week, I got me a bit of a sunburn. Only a bit though, it doesn't hurt. only when I scratch my leg where it's red in the tungsten light. It's a little uneven, and I don't really know how that happened. I laid out evenly. but one of my legs has two lines and the other has the appropriate 4. I'm glad I laid out when I did though. I think I'm getting whatever Joseph had yesterday. Whohoo! Spring Cold! Speaking of spring fever; I've been in the mood to bake lately. What is that? I made chocolate zucchini cupcakes (thank you Robin) the other day, and frosted them with cream cheese frosting. They're a little dry. But good none-the-less. I was thinking of trying my hand at a layer cake, and homemade butter frosting (via Erica's direction) But I don't know if I will. We should probably finish off the cupcakes before I start another confectionery treat.

I think I'm just rambling now, I start sneezing about a minute into this, now my head feels like it's starting to congest. I'm going back to bed. Yeah, that sound good. a little warm/hot, but gooder than this wooden chair.

I don't have a lable for you people anymore

2010-04-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a long and trying week. A week ago yesterday gramma was up, talking and walking around. Her funeral was today. It's that concept right there that I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. And I'll get over it eventually. I also will get over my displaced anger at my 'friends' as well. I want to thank you in advance for your patience with me, even though we may not have communicated on any level in recent weeks. Instead of dealing with my loss on hand, I've been attempting to get past some other grief that I'd put on hold for too long. The letting go is leaving me feeling numb. I'm no good with the stress I've been 'dealing' with lately, I have no buffer, no one to turn to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to confide in. No one to just sit with and be. That's a loss that I don't know how to handle. (I forgot the train of thought I was going to go with on this one, so bear with me.) I may have overreacted and said something in my disparity that came off the handle. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone or push them away. Just the opposite is true. I want someone to be closer to me. Someone who'll really know me, and deal with me accordingly. I'm also trying to be 100% honest and the lack of support in the matter by way of response (or me knowing about it) is insurmountably astounding. It leaves me feeling like I'm here all alone. No one cares enough to show they care. I understand that everyone has their own wants and needs, and I try to be sensitive to that on their behalf. But I'm thinking This sucks. I've gone through life without and it still hurts so much. I'm not used to it. I won't ever be used to it enough, so that it won't hurt anymore. I can only become more cynical and numb, and then no one will want to be near me. and the viscous circle will continue on. Spiral on down, and crush me more.

See, one of the problems is; I didn't want to let go of what I had. I was deluding myself with hope that it would work out. and today's lack of response tells me that I was absolutely correct in my disparity. No one wants me. I miss, but am not missed. I want, but am not wanted. I am a friend, but am not befriended. I don't believe this true of EVERYONE. but four kind words at this junction in my life isn't enough to get me through.

I no longer think I'm being coherent. Nor do I know if each sentence goes on with the next. I am not slighting anyone, but those people who care and don't show it. I'm upset that people are selfish and wrap themselves up in their own problems. I hate that people lie to me with their good intentions, and no one follows through. It angers me that people don't keep their words. It's not cool that I have to feel alone so much. Even in a group of people, do I feel alone. Even in the presence of those who claim to be his hands and feet do I feel forgotten, unloved, unwanted, and displaced or judged.

Doom on You!

Ok, I'm done venting for now.

I love my friends. I really do.

Skipping over the first stage of grief

2010-04-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

Correct me if I'm wrong but; I think I've been in denial this whole time. I may have acted out what I thought I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to react. All the while making believe that it'll all work out, so I've not been dealing with it for real. I now realized that you don't want me, and that hurts. I thought it was odd that I was able to put on the persona of a rock so easily. I was given the false hope that it would someday work out and the problem would go away. But it won't. The problem is left only with me. It took my grandmother dying for me to realize that. The false hope was just your letting me down easy, you don't want me.

I want someone who'll fight for me. Someone who'll pursue me. Someone who'll care for me in the ups and downs. For better or for worse. And I them as well.

Why Can’t I Have Hope as My Mantra?

2010-04-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

I really don’t want to seem selfish here. But I am really feeling unappreciated. Maybe unappreciated isn’t the right word, but I’m not feeling especially loved. There’s just something about impending death that brings out the best and worst in people all at the same time. I think it makes people vulnerable, just enough to be themselves. It takes a physical and emotional toll on people. It wears them down to that person that they would be without filters, and then lets them apologize because they know that they’re not filtering. And yes, Everybody filters. Not everyone knows that they filter, nor does everyone filter the same. But no one is 100% honest 100% of the time.

What I’m saying is; I don’t know what I’m saying.

I’m feeling emotionally and physically drained. I have found in the last few days that I truly believe that knowledge is power. I also believe that the spoken word has power. For example; If people are always telling you that you’re ugly, you may soon believe that you’re ugly, and then you may fail to continue to take care or take precautions so as to detour yourself from being ugly. Likewise, if people all around you are talking like you are going to die any day now, or any month/week soon, your subconscious will convince your body that it may very well be true. I do not like the defeatist attitude. I do not appreciate the lack of faith in that demeanor, and that the household as a whole has taken on. What is all this just accepting your fate crap? What happened to fighting to live? Choosing life, making your own way? I believe that grandma is giving up because she’s seen that others have started to wilt in resolve, and have decided that she’s started to give up. I think she has been feeling discouraged at the slow recovery and wants to now give in and give up. But if the people around her would come together with a like mind, and truly believe in her; I think she could make it. I think she could pull through. Romans 4:17 says this: (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were. (KJV)

On another note… I don’t cope the same way as ‘everyone’ else. With anything. Ever. I’m tired of people becoming angry/upset/off put/miffed with me for not grieving the way they want me to, or whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. My philosophy is to deal with things as they come, analyze whatever’s happened, to death, vent it out in a rant and then get over it, but all the while maintaining hope that something may change. That may just be an overzealous what if factor playing out its role, but it could also just be the mantra: ‘Never give up, never surrender!’

Is there a light to this hope I want to feel?

2010-04-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dang it! Why do I miss you? Why do people still want me to be with you? Why do others assume that we would be the best together? Why do I dream about you? Why do I want to talk to only you about these things? Why do I want to confide in you? Why do I think that you don't even want to be my friend anymore? Why can't I get past this? Poop!

I learn about me everyday

2010-04-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a few... discoveries about myself... or something. Things that I may have already known, but choose not to think about; and things that I brainstormed.

One of these ascertainment's is that I don't really do well with people all the time. Not that I'm completely anti-social. I do have friends, I am not outgoing though. And I am not a people person. That face is a facade. I'm good at acting like a people person if I put my mind to it. But I don't think I really am. I would be happy pushing paperwork full time, and then being creative an running my company in the rest of my time.

There is a part of me that still wants to have a group of friends, but after almost 24 years, the likelihood of that happening and sticking and them being real/true friends is slim. I'll take what I get, and appreciate them for what they are. Good friends.

A second thing goes along with that first thing. Kinda. I don't think I'm going to look for 'love' I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. All I know is that I want to be like best friends with the person I end up with. (and I'd like them to be a bit taller than me.) Not that I was looking for 'love' but my eyes were open to it more than ever. I'm going back to living life.

Another thing came up in church. I have spent a lot of my time helping myself understand what it is that I'm not. Those things that come up, the insecurities that come from how people treat me on the day to day. It says I am those things, and I know I'm not. But I have failed to know what it is that I am. I am not inadequate. I'm not good at everything. I'm not just another pretty face. I'm not ugly, or mediocre, or useless. I could really go on. But what am I... I am me. But what does that mean.

That means I have a lot to figure out before I move on. I'm not even 100% on what I want to do anymore. That may be from discouragement due to a few things though...

I am not confident.

Not in everything. Not in all the things I should be.

I also realized that I like to learn/be taught by step by step instruction. Like that time at the airport when I was like 11. I didn't know what to do so I freaked out. But it turned out fine. And that time at the airport in Germany when I was 21. I didn't understand so I freaked. There are so many things that I've not taken advantage of in life because I don't understand or know about them. I know that I want to be led in life. Work my way up to leader. But not the top. Except in the case of my company. Who knows, maybe I'll put someone else in charge down the road.

For now though, I may change my name. I have this idea for a sketch/note book. I think I can also make it myself. I may need get it printed somewhere else. But I can make it myself.

I think I strayed from the topic a bit here. But then again; what's new.

Plump and Pasty Me

2010-04-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

This is so stupid! The pool here doesn't open until 2pm! What the Heck! Whoever heard of a pool opening at 2 on a Saturday?!

Anywho... I'm feeling a little discouraged, woozy, miffed... take your pick. I have been working out since I've been back in SoCal. Just about everyday. I don't eat junk. I haven't been drinking. I don't eat candy. I don't drink soda. I eat 'healthy' food, and drink juice and water. I don't eat out either. But nothing happens. Until this morning that is. Yesterday we ran out of food. I had a salad for breakfast, worked out, and wasn't able to eat again until today, because of all of the running around, and then there's no food here to eat. I wake up at 5 am because I have to feed the dogs at six, I drink some juice while I wait for the water to boil... and bam; it doesn't want to stay down. I then ate some oat meal, and My hand was shaking. So I worked out too much and didn't eat enough.

That's not what I was going to say...

Last summer I ate healthy food and ran. Nothing happened. My body only ever changed when I was 'homeless' living on my aunts floor, and only eating fruit and muffins, and the occasional sandwich. Then in January; I worked out everyday and nothing happened. I was eating healthy then too, but I also didn't gain any back. Until I went to Wisconsin for two weeks and basically did nothing but challenge boyfriend to see who could eat more. I can be so stubborn/stupid sometimes. But then I was back to what I was before I was homeless... which wasn't a big difference. Since I've been back, I work out about 4-5 times a week usually 5. and sometimes 6. I eat healthy when there's food available, or I can't eat. Nothing is happening. I look exactly the same. I don't know what else to do. I can't starve myself and work out. I'll die. I don't think that would work either. Woe is me.

That's all on that subject.

Oh wait; My back now hurts pretty much everyday. It might be my bed, but it might just be my back.

On another point; I wanted to get a tan this year, or at least some sunshine. But I never can. The stupid pool is closed until 2 pm. The beach is way far away, and we don't exactly have a yard to lay out in. Poopy! I guess life wants me to be plump and pasty.

Aye, tis' birthday time 'gain

2010-04-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

There are less than 2 months until my birthday, and I haven't even thought about it yet. True, the other day I thought about how I hadn't thought about it, but that's as far as thinking got. So I've decided that I'm going to start thinking about it now. What am I going to do for my birthday? I am going with my Jenny to the Pirate Faire the following weekend. And I have opened the invitation up to my other friends. I am willing to make all the plans in order to make this a birthday 'extravaganza.' We could camp... or I could look into cabins, I could also look into hotel/motel rooms. We could go up Friday night and Come back the last night, which is Sunday night.

But that's just one idea. I will still want to plan something for my birthday day. It's on a Friday this year. So there is no reason to not do something. I'm open to suggestions. Someone get back with me. As always, I mostly just want to have a good time with my friends.

ReDesigning DesignerVan Again

2010-04-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

While re-designing my DesignerVan website, I discovered that in order to finish/really start, I have to re-design my stationary first. Which is something I have to do anyway. But I don't know what I want to do with it. Maybe since I already have a new resume, and portfolio. I could match everything else to them. That sounds like a good idea. I will also need to output all of my work a different way to do this idea. I'm very excited. I have things to work on while I'm sitting around doing nothing. Instead of doing nothing though.Now if only I can figure out the html for this stupid thing. I think I can manage it. Otherwise I can just do slices like the last one. I'm not sure yet though. I'll have to get everything else finished and up on the board before I worry about outputting and whatnot.

The Opposition of Holidays

2010-04-03T23:19:00.000-07:00

I love holidays. I hate holidays.

I love that people get together with their families. I love that there is a searching for a higher meaning to living that comes with each. I love that there are opportunities to investigate into those meanings. I love that people wish each other well. I love the sense of camaraderie that comes from a centralized celebratory state of mind.

I hate that people don't know the deeper meanings behind what they are celebrating. I hate that people want to be satisfied, and look towards all the wrong things to satisfy them. I hate that people are left empty. I hate that camaraderie ends. I hate the media hype behind holidays. I hate that we are expected on these specific days to uphold some form of character that may or may not be a natural characteristic of ourselves, and on that holiday, all good form is attributed to it. I hate the excess of waste that comes from decorating, and advertising, and disposable knick-knacks.

Now, if you know me. I am not bad mouthing holidays. I do appreciate the good that comes from them. I also understand the media point of view and what-not. I am not saying we should do away with them, or traditions that come with them. I just don't want to be expected to do something because it's a holiday. If it's expected. It doesn't truly come from the heart. No wait; it has the potential to not come from the heart.

I think before we do something that is attributed to the holidays, we should reflect and see if we would do those things otherwise. Like spending quality time with our families. Or smiling at the people we pass on the street. Do we do these things regularly? Do we try to make every day special for the people we care about? Do we care enough to be a better person on Wednesday? Not just Easter?

Interacting with Life

2010-04-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. Now; I know this is not a new development. I usually can be caught thinking about any number of random topics. I know I need a job. And I know I feel that I am inadequate for most positions. I also know I don't have the personality for others. But where does that leave thinking? I'll tell you. Nowhere. I don't know anything else after that. I can speculate until I'm blue in the face about everything else that is/isn't going on in my life. But I don't really know anything.

I'm pretty sure I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. And I don't know why I dream what I dream. Nor do I understand why I dream of who I do. I don't know if there's a deeper meaning that my subconscious is coming up with without me. Or if it's merely a product of over thinking.

I don't know what I'm supposed to want anymore. I don't know what I'm expected to know. I don't know how to get through these trials that I'm faced with. I don't know how to be motivated. I don't know how to relate. I don't know if I even care anymore.

I think I'm in need of good friends. Not that I don't have good friends. I need good friends who'll talk to me. And I can do things with. I think I'll go crazy if I am left to my own devices, cooped up here. I do nothing. And I lack that vital human interaction that makes us well rounded personalities.

Learning To Be Useless

2010-03-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

I still need a job. At this point, I think I don't really care what it is... mostly. I think I could work at data entry, or as a file clerk. I don't think I'd be good at commission still though. Maybe I'd do it anyway. I am fairly certain I don't have the personality for it though.

On another hand. I am flying through this HTML book. I don't think I'm retaining much. But I am understanding it. And I'm not entirely sure about everything I'm taking in either. I am hopeful though. I can figure this out. And then I'll have another unused skill under my belt.

Speaking of unused skills; I've found I have the uncanny ability to radar in on doughnut shops. In the last week I've discovered maybe 20 in and around the Riverside area. I've only been to a few of them... my workout routine does not approve of this. It feels like it's being taken advantage of, and is putting out a whole lot of effort for nothing. I should try and convince myself that I don't like doughnuts again. then maybe this ability will slow to a stop. Maybe I should get a job at a doughnut shop.

Target Practice Invitation

2010-03-15T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've come up with something more to write about. HEEhee... Anyway;

I'm in the mood for a photoshoot. Now; I usually do these things on my own when the whim hits me. But I want to go bigger. Yes, we did go bigger once, but it was a rush job, and very thrown together, and it showed. What I need this time is a concrete idea. Or at least a loose idea that I can work with. I like to work with what I have. But I don't have that much anymore. And I don't necessarily want to be all things in it.

Lately I've had ideas run through my head periodically, but I've had no way to get them out.

I need someone to work with me on these visions. A partner in 'crime' as it were. I'm not even going to confine myself to a certain style. Lemme know if you'd like to get your creative juices flowing, and would like to help out. Or share ideas.